Untethered

I'm writing this post without my constant companion of the last few months, my sub-Q pump providing anti-nausea meds.  Over the past several weeks, I had been weaning off the pump, hoping that the hyperemesis would have abated this late in the pregnancy.

My weaning went slower than the averages, driven by a few bouts of severe nausea from which I had to recover before dialing down the meds another level.  One of these bouts happened last week during a tour of our hospital's maternity ward, where I passed out and, eventually, vomited.  It sucked to pass out, but if you're gonna have to do that, where else but in the hospital?  We were able to do a "test drive."  :)  (The nurses checked out my blood pressure, which was fine, and the baby's heart rate, also fine.  After a consultation with my OB, we concluded that I hadn't eaten enough prior to the tour, and that the heat and humidity was getting to me.  I was discharged a couple hours after I checked in).

My insurance company had been working actively to get me off the pump since I reached 12 weeks, and had only dialed up the shrieking in the past few days.  Now, at least, getting me off the pump makes sense, since: a) my hyperemesis has abated, b) my nausea is, for the most part, under control, c) I'm no longer having issues with dehydration, since I'm able to eat and drink, and d) my weight has finally stabilized after a way too rapid weight loss in my first trimester (total weight loss of 45 pounds in 12 weeks; 35 of those happened in only 4 weeks).

So, I'm off the pump.  It's pretty cool, and I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to stay off of it.  :)

People Who Hate Me: The Fat Haters

Welcome back to another edition of People Who Hate Me, now with more hate.  Who's hating me this week?  The incompetent sonographer (we'll call her "Dum Dum") and her azhat supervisory doc at the testing site for my week 20 scan.  Why?  Because I'm fat, have bones and require the Zofran pump for my hyperemesis.

As you know, I'm receiving Zofran through a subcutaneous pump.  Here's how it works (in non-technical language):

1) Infusion site: This is a plastic disc about the size of a quarter that sticks to my belly.  The disc has a spiked, fixed tube on it that goes into my skin (hence: subcutaneous).

2) Tube: The disc is connected to a thin, 2 ft. long tube that attaches to a syringe of meds on the pump.

3) Pump: The pump is about the size of a remote control and you wear it in a purse-like bag with an arm strap.  You put a syringe of meds in the top of the pump and the pump's computer pushes on the syringe plunger, thus pushing the meds through the tube and into me, stopping me from doing my never-ending Exorcist imitation.

So, I can't stop the meds and remove the site for you, Dum Dum.  You are not worth continuous vomit.  You'll have to work around it.  This totally threw her.

Also throwing her was that I was fat.  Now, I am aware that extra padding does make it a little more difficult to do a sonogram; it does not, however, make a scan impossible.  In addition, I don't think it was my fat, I think it was Dum Dum's lack of knowledge of anatomy.  See, no matter how much you shove on my hip bone with the transducer, the bone will not move out of the way.  It's bone, that's how that works.

After Dum Dum finished the scan, we were sent back to speak with her azhat supervisory doctor.  He told us, "Your baby is really big.  It's something we're worried about and you should be too.  You're going to have to have a c-section because you're so big and because the baby is so big.  In fact, we've included a note on our report that the scan was technically difficult due to your fatness."

Fine, asshole, but is the baby okay?  Are all the parts in the right place?  Are all the parts there that are supposed to be there?  Oh, yes.  The baby is perfectly healthy.  F-ck you, you prick.

Thank goodness I was seeing my doctor that afternoon anyways.  She's awesome and was like, "don't listen to that asshole, he doesn't know what he's talking about.  You're measuring a few days ahead, the baby is a little larger than average (baby is 14 oz.) and you're not automatically going to do anything.  You're only at week 20.  The baby is fine.  Your weight looks great and your blood pressure is fine.  We can all calm down."  I love my doctor.

19 Weeks and the Ongoing Saga That Is JD's Search for a Job

Nothing really going on here, so I haven't felt that much motivation to update.  My nurse insists that what I think is gas is actually the baby.  I think that at least half of what I think is gas is, in fact, actually gas.  Who knows?

I'm still on the Zofran pump, but I'm in the middle of weaning off of it.  I seem to be doing ok on the weaning, so hopefully that continues and I can get off the pump soon.

JD is still without employment or a plan.  Some history: JD told me (in response to questioning, at some point in the last year) that he was happiest and most fulfilled in terms of work when he was programming, as opposed to the more computer administration stuff that he's been doing for the last several years.  To me, that says that what JD should be doing is programming.  Find the work that makes you happy.

Now, in our area, in order to find a job as a programmer, you need to know and have experience in Java.  JD does not have this.  Why?  1) He says that Java is a stupid, inefficient language.  2) He doesn't want to go to school anymore, he doesn't want to be graded, he doesn't want to be "judged" (his words).

Here's my trying to answer as rationally as possible to his BS:
1) If all you speak is Latin and everyone else in the world speaks English, wouldn't it make sense to learn English so that you could communicate with others?  I told JD that it was as if his college degree was in being a Roman gladiator.  Well, there are no more jobs available for Roman gladiators, so you've gotta do something about that.

2) There are few jobs or even kinds of jobs available that don't require some type of continuing education or need to learn new skills or improve upon current skills in your life.  Really, I think that if you foreclose any job that would require new learning, you limit yourself to retail.  I don't think that JD would enjoy or even be successful at a job in retail, but assuming that's what he wants to do, fine.  Now, apply for jobs.

After meeting with his therapist yesterday, JD came up with another reason for not taking a class: "It's not that you need to know Java, it's that you need to have work experience with Java."

OK, well, you're not going to get any work experience with Java if you don't freakin' know it, so why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?

He seemed yesterday as if he was on the precipice of agreeing to sign up for classes.  This morning, he said that he would be doing job searching today and when I asked about the classes, he said that he was still thinking about it.  When I asked what his therapist had said, JD told me that his therapist thinks he should "volunteer and network to figure out what he [JD] wants to do."  This is utter BS.  JD knows what he wants to do.  He wants to do nothing all day long.

As my Fairy Godmother once told me, "The problem with responding to JD in a rational manner is that he is not in his rational brain.  This is all emotional stuff for him."  But what do I do?  Rant and scream and cry?  That doesn't change his lazy, irresponsible ass either!

Any suggestions/comments you might have would be appreciated.

Don't F**k with Me

That's what the insurance company learned this week.  :)

After several hours spent in the ER receiving IV fluids, a diagnosis of a UTI probably caused by severe dehydration, and a serious threat from my boss* that our company would find a new insurance company to work with, I'm currently at home wired to an IV with fluids and a subcutaneous pump providing Zofran 24/7.  YAY!

My home health care nurse showed up yesterday evening and spent about 2 1/2 hours with me, going through the routine, checking vitals and setting up everything, plus teaching me how to do everything myself.  I had been pretty worried about the realities of the pump, as I'm not a huge fan of needles (who is).  Turns out, the pump set is realitively nothing to worry about, especially compared to the fact that I passed out and vomited when my nurse got my IV in.  It's always an adventure here, folks.

Hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon.  I replaced the IV bag this morning, but am not sure that I did it correctly, so I'll be calling the nurses' line to have someone talk me through it.

*Did I mention that I work for my family's company and that my boss is my dad?  That's right, insurance company, keep f**king with me, watch what happens.

The House That Nausea Built

Please don't read if you are in a bad mental space, since this will mainly be bitching.  But, don't worry, I tell myself "eff off, you're pregnant, you arsehole" on a regular basis.

Have been laid up with the nausea since my last post, as in flat on my back, except for the retching, can't do anything, no, really, anything, except for listen to C-SPAN on the radio because I don't have a working TV in my bedroom, nausea.  Got in to see an OB earlier this week, who recommended we try a subcutaneous pump with anti-nausea meds as I'm spilling ketones and they are worried I'm becoming dehydrated.  Waiting for the insurance approval to come through.  Hope this comes through soon, because I haven't had my happy pills in quite a while and I started to cry while listening to President Obama speak about health care.  He's inspirational, he ain't that inspirational.  I need the happy pills.  Going to try grating them onto my toast.

If I never drink ginger ale again, it'll be too soon.  I'm currently subsisting on water mixed with apple juice, cinnamon toast (regular bread toasted with a little butter, cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it) once a day and white rice once a day.  There are some other things to try in my fridge (popsicles, Jello, Kozy Shack (rice pudding)), but something smells in there (or at least, I smell something in there, no one else does, so when I open the fridge I feel sick and then don't eat anything).

Too dizzy to shower.  The last time I showered, JD had to hold me up and I vomited anyway.  I am gross.  Going to see if I can get my mom to wash my hair in the sink.

My day is divided amongst four main segments:

1.) Moaning/Vomiting/Writhing while listening to C-SPAN Radio (not because of the C-SPAN, just cause I need a soundtrack)
2.) Rereading all of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series
3.) Thinking about what food I'd like to eat if I wasn't too nauseated and could actually eat something (hint: everything)
4.) Sleeping

Will now call doctor to see if they can encourage the insurance company to approve the dang pump.  Am concerned that the insurance company is just trying to wait out the first trimester, thinking that I'll stop being sick at week 12, so they've only got to stall another month.

Have not read blogs in many a moon, but I think about all of you and pray that you are doing OK.

Quo Vadis

Yesterday, JD and I met with the RE for our Quo Vadis meeting, aka "What's Next, Doc?"  My feelings on are all over the place.  I feel sad that we're even in this position (i.e., infertility in general and, specifically, about to embark on dIUI #6).  I feel angry that it's taking so long.  I feel positive that my doc is responding to us and our concerns.  I feel frustrated with my inability to stay away from gluten.  I feel embarassed that I have such a struggle with taking my meds.  I feel happy that I have rocked my Wii Fit Plus every day since we set it up (see my other blog for more details).

I told the doc that, given our record (5 dIUIs (3 with Prometrium), 1 miscarriage, 0 take home babies)  my hope level for this upcoming IUI is pretty low.  My unfulfilled due date is coming up in mid-February and I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it.  I'm ready to move to the next level.

From a completely biased position, it seems like my doc would like me to do unmedicated dIUIs from here to kingdom come.  (Those were probably not his exact words).  Really, he thinks that we should keep doing what we're doing for a little while more, but he was aware that we were not going to want to hear that.  My response was to semi-joke, "No, I want to hear what you would do, then I want to ignore that and do what I want to do."

His proposal was to do two more unmedicated cycles after #6 and then add meds, probably Clomid.  The idea of the meds would be to get my body to release more than one egg at ovulation, providing more targets for the sperm, thus increasing the odds of getting at least one baby out of this.  Of course, increasing the number of eggs also increases the chance of multiples, which JD wanted to discuss back, forth and sideways, but my feeling is that we should wait to cross that bridge if and when we get to it.

My compromise was to do #6 and #7 unmedicated, then maybe go for medicated cycles or another unmedicated round, depending on my thoughts then.

I'll start the OPKs tomorrow for Cycle #6.  Our power song for this cycle: "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Offspring (off my CAPS playlist).  Our inspirational song for this cycle: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, as adapted by Glee.

Negative Again

My nurse called at 10:45 to let me know that this cycle was another bust. I'm glad that she called so early in the day.

I asked her if we could skip the Prometrium next time around, seeing as how I was not on it during my first cycle (which was a positive till it was a negative) and ever since I've been on the Prometrium (three cycles), I've gotten straight negatives.

She responded positively and said that it was no problem to shake things up a bit and that after I got a positive, we could get a progesterone level and add in the Prometrium then, if I needed that support.

So that's what we'll be doing the next time around.

This blows.

In Which I Drink Chalky Liquids

For the past couple of months, my weight has been yo-yo'ing up and down -- I gain a lot during the 2WW and then have to lose it all before the next cycle. In order to get past that, I'm going to try something new. Well, I've done it before, but this time it's sort of different.

Anyways, remember how I started seeing a nutritionist for fertility and did a detox diet and lost about 25 pounds earlier of this year? Well, my nutritionist moved and I had completed the detox and then I started cycling, so I was just eating like normal (normal for me, not normal for average humans). Guess what? I gained weight. duh. Then, we got pregnant, had a miscarriage, waited to cycle again, yada, yada, yada. I went low carb for the few weeks before the next IUI, then would gain the wait back, then lose, etc., etc.

So, I'm trying to get off that train. There's a new nutritionist in town (read: my integrative care for fertility place) and I'm starting a new and improved, fertility-friendly detox with her. "Fertility-friendly" in that you can be on this while cycling, even while pregnant.

It's a lot of cutting out of bad foods and incorporating good foods and drinking supplements and downing vitamins.

What I'm On:
-My standard happy pills (1/day)
-Prenatals (6 horse pills/day)
-Vitamin D (2/day)
-Probiotics (1/day)
-Chalky Liquid shake #1 (Nutritional Support for Healthy Body Composition) (2/day)
-Chalky Liquid shake #2 (Organic Superfruits and Greens dietary supplement) (1/day)

Food I Can Eat:
-All fruits and vegetables
-All beans and legumes (except soy)
-Rice, oats, quinoa, amaranth, teff, buckwheat
-Lean proteins (chicken, fish, lamb, turkey, small amounts of lean red meat)
-Healthy oils (olive, flaxseed, sesame, almond, pumpkin, etc.)
-Condiments (vegetable salt, sea salt, vinegar, tamari, herbs & spices, brown rice syrup, fruit sweetener, stevia, limited amounts of honey)
-Herbal tea, non-caffeinated tea, green tea
-Water, unsweetened juice

Foods I Am Not Eating:
-Caffeine
-Sugar
-Wheat & Gluten
-Dairy
-Eggs
-Beef
-Soy
-Standard Bad Foods (anything fried, processed or fried & processed)

PWHM - Part 2

Thank you for all of your good wishes for John Dear and myself. We really appreciate all your good thoughts. :)

It's time for part 2 in our four hundred fifty seven thousand part series...

People Who Hate Me

The people hating me today are the makers of Pr.om.etri.um. I just started it this morning and am already feeling incredibly dizzy and nauseated.* Blech. My mind keeps going to the group vomit scene in The Office. I could've totally nailed that scene. Heh.

In other news, we saw our RE today who told me that a) we do have a plan in case this cycle is negative (4 more OPK-predicted dIUIs) and b) I can get a flu shot. So, I'll be doing that on Wednesday and hopefully not puking.

I woke up at 6 AM so that I could get my walking in before work. It was freezing. I did not know this before going out, so wasn't wearing a jacket. It became fall in like a day and a half here. I am an iceberg; I am awesome.

*Just for my own notes: I had regular nausea early this morning upon waking. Heartburn around 10 AM. Major nausea throughout lunchtime. Dizziness starting after lunch and continuing this afternoon.

Thank You House

***Possible spoilers from House, so if you are planning to see it, come back later.***

Dear This Week's House,

Thank you for helping me to realize that, in order to act normal become sane get better, I must actually take my pills.

Unlike House's roommate, I was not refusing to take my pills this time because they stop me from being me. (Though G-D knows that we've gone down that road so many times they are dedicating a rest stop in my honor. Now with a Bob Evans!) I also was not not taking my pills out of some scheme to turn all the patients in the asylum against their doctors. Instead, I went through one of my periods of just not taking them.
Yes, this is stupid. And reckless, and unhealthy. Yes, this caused me to become a weeping, snivelling, ill-tempered, non-coping mess.

So, I'm back on - because I do want to get better. And with only one dose in me, I feel like I can actually handle life. I took my meds yesterday, I'm taking them today and I plan to take them tomorrow. That's as far as I'm going to go with my planning, because the longer term promises have not been working for me.

Resting & Cooking

Who knows what my body is doing? I sure don't. The pink streaks stopped after two hours yesterday.

I kept taking my Prom.etri.um, thinking it can't hurt to keep taking it.

My nurse confirmed my thoughts that this really could be anything: random spotting, my period, who knows. She said that I should keep taking the Prom.e.tri.um and I should not exercise or do anything strenuous and that hopefully, we'll get a great beta result. The beta will remain on Friday morning as previously scheduled.

Will be on my feet a lot all this week at night since I'm doing lots and lots of cooking for Rosh Hashanah. I'm going to try to modify my actions so that I'm taking good breaks and putting my feet up as much as I can.

Yesterday, I made two Carrot-Zucchini Kugels (pudding/casserole). I had hoped to get in a Potato Kugel in there, but I started cooking too late in the evening to throw that in as well. I'll cook that tonight and I also plan to make an Apple-Banana Cake recipe that I found at Sugarlaws.

Tomorrow, I plan to make Honey-Walnut Cookies from a Mahtha (aka Martha Stewart) recipe that went over well last year. Thursday night, I'm planning to make two different versions of challah, one from Baking & Books, the other from The Meatless Chulent.

Wish me luck!

TP Tango

TMI Post - so look away if you wish...

So, we're 11 dpDIUI (that's 11 days past the donor IUI, well, 10 or 11, depending on where you start counting). I've been feeling increasingly dizzy, and increasingly nauseated. I also have intermittent bouts of breast tenderness.

I've been trying not to compare this 2 week wait to my last one since:
1) This time, I'm on prometrium (progesterone suppositories) and that may change things;
2) I can't remember when I started feeling early pregnancy symptoms and in what intensity last time;
3) Every pregnancy is different; and
4) Last time, we really didn't get a great outcome, so why measure using that yardstick?
Of course, it's impossible not to compare symptoms.

When I just went to the bathroom, I got some yellow/pink streaks and a very small red clot. Not sure if that means something or anything. I haven't called my nurse because what's she gonna do? It's wait-and-see mode here.

Any suggestions? Should I be calling my nurse?

Beta (pregnancy blood test) is scheduled for Friday morning, 8:30 AM.
________________________
Edited:
An hour later, a trip to the bathroom revealed red streaks. On a regular cycle, I'd be getting my period today (my ovulation was much later than expected), so I'm pretty sure that this is the end for this cycle.

No use in calling my nurse today, as she doesn't return calls after 3:30 and, clearly, this ain't an emergency.

Holiday Weekend

The weekend was fine overall. Some of the highlights/notables follow:

-I'm not a huge fan of driving over bridges. I have this fear that I will go crazy and drive off the side of the bridge. Yes, I'm crazy. Anyways, based on where we went through the E-Z Pass lane, I had to drive on the one lane of the westbound bridge that was going eastbound. AAAHHH! I was pretty nervous, but doing OK with my breathing exercises and JD saying, "You're OK. You're OK. You're OK." Well, I was OK until my eyes started tearing up, I got sunscreen in my eyes and was blinded. I started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!" JD grabbed the wheel and ripped off his shirt so that I could use it to wipe my eyes. Thank G-D he was there. I would've crashed into oncoming traffic or off the bridge otherwise.

-About 15 minutes after the bridge fiasco, The Boy goes crazy and starts running all over the car. JD and I are both "What the heck?!" The Boy jumps onto my lap and, as JD pulls him back over to his own lap, The Boy proceeds to poop on my left leg, the steering wheel, my right leg, the gear shift and JD's legs. Ew. Ewww. Ewwwww!!!! We were able to stop at a gas station a couple of miles down the road and clean up the car and ourselves.

-Dr. Chai was content to let me stay off the drugs while I felt that I was responding rationally and this weekend was really my test of that. Big FAIL. I was so filled with anxiety on Thursday that my mother said that she could actually see me shaking with stress. I felt like I was vibrating. After bursting into tears on Friday morning because my open suitcase had spilled out onto the floor (I thought it was closed when I moved it), I decided, along with the counsel of family and BFF, to get back on the drugs. The suitcase incident was followed by worry that BFF's boyfriend didn't like me because there weren't enough beds at the beach place and an incident with my mother because I felt that she liked everyone else better than me. It's not all in my head; what I mean is, there are actual examples I can point to, to show why I start thinking in a certain way, it's just that my head misinterprets and misjudges and just makes everything worse. My mother and I have talked about it and I feel better now. I am back on the drugs now and hoping for "normal" reactions soon.

-We had lots of wonderful things to eat all weekend. I read a lot. We got to see real fireworks! Not the lame-o ones that JD, wannabe pyro, sets off at inappropriately late hours, angering the neighbors, but a government-sponsored fireworks display! Yay!

-I don't feel like I was able to relax enough, but am hoping to do so soon.

Accomplishments

First, thank you so much for your comments and caring. Your notes truly get me through my days and I turn back to them again and again.

I got a lot accomplished last night and this morning so I thought I'd write it down, not to brag, just to remember that I can accomplish lots when I try.

Last night I:
-Created a new "intention" - telling the baby "You can go if you need to go. You don't have to stay because I want you to stay. You can go if you need to go. I'm letting you go. I love you." Concentrated on my intention several times during the evening and before bed.
-Cleared the table after dinner
-Took out trash and recycling
-Rinsed all dishes and loaded the dishwasher
-"Fluffed" the clean load of laundry sitting in the dryer
-Loaded a load of towels and the Pesach tablecloth (only 2 months after Pesach) in the washer)
-Folded and put away the equivalent of 4 loads of laundry
-Made the bed
-Put my shoes in the closet
-Laid out workout clothes and work clothes for this morning
-Took down old, ripped shower curtain and bad shower curtain rings and hung up new shower curtain with new rings
-Deadheaded flowers
-Put plastic footstool that had been holding giant pile of laundry in bedroom onto the balcony to live with its matching chair
-Walked The Boy
-Washed my face
-Flossed and brushed teeth
-Went to sleep at 10 PM

This Morning I:
-Got up after only two snooze cycles
-Concentrated on my intention
-Took myself on a half hour walk in the rain (I am HARD CORE!) and blissed out to my C-SPAN podcast on Lincoln's time as a president-elect (I am HARD CORE DORK!)
-Took a nice shower
-Got dressed for work
-Made tea for me and JD and put his tea (covered) on his nightstand so it's ready for him when he wakes up
-Made a healthy breakfast for me of Greek yogurt, blueberries, banana and walnuts
-Ate my breakfast and drank my tea while reading a book
-Cleared off table, rinsed dishes, loaded them in dishwasher and started the dishwasher
-Remembered to bring SIL's Kale and Salmon Quiche with me for lunch
-Took The Boy to doggie daycare
-Put on makeup
-Took my pills (Zoloft and prenatal vitamins)

Now I'm at work. I'm hoping to finish comments on the monthly financials and "attend" several conference calls. On one of the calls, my boss is trying to surpass the world record in how many times he uses the F word on one call. Will let you know how that goes.

The Pledge

A new spin on the pledge that's circling the finance industry: (left hand raised - go lefties!) I refuse to take part in this depression.

To wit:
1.) I am wearing high heels.
2.) I am wearing makeup.
3.) I took my meds AND vitamins (good for pre-conception, pregnancy and beyond)
4.) I brushed my teeth AFTER breakfast AND used the window cleaner-tasting prescription mouthrinse after.
5.) I am wearing my reading glasses.
6.) I am doing my work as opposed to reading blogs (well, I was, until this break).
7.) Tonight, I will walk with BFF's dog (whom we're dogsitting) on a newly-checked Google Pedometer route of 1.3 miles. (Not sure if The Boy can go on this route, it might be too long for his little legs).

Deep Thoughts - The James Joyce Version

Not enough to merit separate posts, so here's a bunch of little stuff together.

--John Dear and I drove up to NY this weekend to visit his aunt and uncle and we had a nice time. Saw Hair. I'm glad I saw it, but I didn't really enjoy it. Voices were gorgeous, but you couldn't understand the words and the songs were not memorable (except for "Aquarius" cause up until an age that I will not mention because it is embarrassing I thought that the song was about my mom because she's an Aquarius). The nudity was not artistic as I believe was the case when the show first came out, it just seems gratuitous now. Just, OK everyone, strip!

--Incidentally, this was my first look at an/many un.circ'd you-know-whats. Looked odd to me. When I mentioned this to JD, his response was, "Um, I really wasn't looking that closely."

--Also, the naked human body is a beautiful thing, but there was a whole lot of not-beautiful (male and female) going on.

--Been off my pills for three days because I couldn't find them. Thought I had left them in my office desk drawer, but it turns out that I had put them in my new toothbrush bag (dentist has me brushing and using prescription-strength Listerine-type stuff after breakfast, which I keep in a bag that goes in my work bag) so the pills were with me all along, I just hadn't looked closely in the bag. Emotional freakouts occurred late last night (partially attributed to low blood sugar) and this morning, but I figure they will go as soon as the pills kick in.

--Took JD's car to work today since he volunteered to take my car in for an oil change. Also took my car keys with me, so JD is home all day with no car. That and the ensuing parade of horribles (he's got no car, no job, he's not going to do anything all day but play the effing computer, he's such a f*ckup) were the emotional freakout this morning.

--In order to be emotionally honest, I told him with the caveat that without the pills there was no real voice of moderation in my head, that I almost felt like he should just take any job so that I wouldn't hate him for not doing anything. (And it's not that he's not doing anything, just that the house is so bad and he's doing the bare minimum. And he says it's that he doesn't know what to do or that he needs my help for what goes where or what to throw away/giveaway and I'm like be an adult, suck it up and just do it). SO, I gave him a rundown on things that needed to be accomplished and didn't require a car; hopefully, he'll do some of those.

Got to the end of that?! Nice job. Understood it? You get a gold star!!

Sober

Or something like that. I've now taken my pills for 2 days in a row.

Yeah, I figured out that the Lifetime movie rant-style that I was doing was due to an over-absorption of serotonin in my system. So, while I've got problems (don't we all?) it doesn't seem so dire now.

So, I'm listening to this very apt and funny song from Avenue Q, "It Sucks to Be Me." Take a look and a listen...

Belly Up to the Bar

Those who know me in IRL are often in situations where I am the victim of my inner ear's complete inability to maintain balance (i.e., I get motion sick. And nauseated. A lot. A lotta lot).

Apparently, my body has chosen to view the sites of my fair city by vomiting at all the major (and some not-so-major) tourist attractions. See (non-inclusive list) Airport, Dulles International; Airport, Washington National; Capitol Building, House Side; Capitol Building, Rotunda; National Archives; National Gallery of Art, East Building; National Gallery of Art, West Building; Rayburn House Office Building; University, George Washington; University, Georgetown; Verizon Center; Washington Monument, The; White House, The. Well, today we can add the United States Supreme Court to the list.

BFF got sworn in to the Supreme Court bar today (presumably to litigate my appeals when I finally kill someone). In order for this to happen, bar applicants (and their guests) must show up at the court between oh dark thirty and WTF-o'clock. So, the still dark and really freakin' cold morning found me putting on my suit, taking the Metro (where I saw a guy I went to law school with who completely did not see me) to BFF's stop, walking over to her apartment, taking a cab to the court, finding the attorney's entrance (yes, we're special), going through security, sitting around, then throwing up in the marble-tiled and quite echoey bathroom. Tried to hold it in for the oral arguments (I coulda been on the news!), but couldn't make it.

I wound up calling John Dear just before we had to file into the courtroom so that he could pick me up. There was no way I'd be able to last on Metro. ONE HOUR IN THE 29 DEGREE COLD LATER, I walk 6 blocks to the train station for him to pick me up. Have I mentioned that JD is completely unable to handle directions, traffic and geography?

To sum up: I'm incredibly proud of BFF, I'm getting JD a GPS for his car, and no, I don't have frostbite.

Please excuse my utter inarticulateness tonight. Will do better tomorrow.

Back Home

John Dear and I are back home from our Caribbean cruise vacation with my parents and my sister. A lovely time -- only 24 hours of really bad sea-sickness and 1 major panic attack (induced from very rough seas and me not taking my meds - will I ever learn?). I had a massage and also had my first acupuncture treatment! Fabulous and will definitely do it again.

JD was off his meds all week, at the instruction of his doctor, so that they could determine a new baseline for him. Except for one instance of miscommunication, when he blew up, but quickly calmed down, he was wonderful. More like himself than I've ever seen him. I always suspected that he was wrongly medicated and I'm pretty sure this week proved it.

Am now catching up on everyone's news - over 600 posts for me on Google Reader. Yikes! Hoping that everyone out there continues to have happy holidays and a very happy new year.

Vent

The following is just me venting and doing a brain dump, so please take it with a grain of salt.
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BAD THINGS
I hate everyone and everything. Eff all y'all, you g-dd-mn shiny, happy people.

I'm cold, my feet are freezing. I feel like I'm taking the Bar again. It was so cold in that arena, you could see your breath. In July, people!!!

I'm supposed to take this new pill in the morning and in the afternoon, and I'm just not managing it. I'm a total f-ck up. Plus, I'm getting better without it (HA), so I'd like to stop it.

My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts. Depression hurts, I'm not on Cymbalta, so it ain't helping me.

My nails are short and I can't find the time to polish them.

I came up with a great idea for homemade holiday gifts and it's not as easy as I wanted it to be and I think it's going to take a lot longer than I thought to do them all and I'm worried about it. But if it works it will be awesome and it's a good gift and even though I'm spending money to make it, it's still a LOT less than I previously spent and the savings will go to the Debt Snowball. (Not that we're in a bunch of debt, just that I'm going to add it to the next car payment).

I need to take a shower desperately. My hair hurts and itches because it's dirty. I am disgusting.

John Dear returned my audiobook to the library because it was 3 days late and earning fines. I wasn't able to renew it because someone had the book on hold. Except I was on disc 32 of 36 discs. I don't know when I'll be able to get the book back and I was loving it. Darn it.

JD started work yesterday (yay!) and I'm concerned that there will be a reversion back to me doing everything. I expressed that concern yesterday and he said that he will do his best to continue the partnership we've had going the last couple of months. I'm waiting. I'm not even guardedly or cautiously optimistic -- I'm just waiting.

I don't know why bad things happen to good people, why the caged bird sings or why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.

GOOD THINGS
I am now addicted (again) to Jon and Kate + 8. I love the current commercial that TLC is running with the Jon and Kate smiling at each other in the field. I am a tremendous dork.

Top Chef has started again. Yay! I will be watching the premiere tonight over TiVo.

JD and I exercised last night for 40 minutes. We rocked it hard-core.

I had a three-bean salad with couscous (on the nutritionist's plan) for lunch yesterday and it was legen - wait for it - dary!!! I must figure out how to duplicate this salad (from Jason's Deli). I know that it has: kidney beans, edamame, garbanzo beans, minced red onion, diced red and yellow bell pepper and cilantro. Don't know what the dressing is. If you know, please tell me! I could eat this every day.

We're having a surprise birthday party for my dad (he's turning 65) and making a video documentary about him and he has no idea!! I'm so excited!

BOTH GOOD AND BAD
I've got the Sanford & Son theme song in my head and can't get it out. It's catchy.