Note: I wrote this a couple days ago, but forgot to hit "publish".  So here's what I was thinking about a couple days ago...

I'm still going back and forth between feeling okay-not-great-but-okay and sick, sick, sick.  For the most part, the Zofran is at least allowing me to eat, even if it's not getting me to feeling fine.  Thank G-D for Uncle Ben's 90-second rice pouches. Love 'em!

I'm now throwing up about every other day.  Quick gross tip: don't use a toilet for your vomiting needs.  Use a trash bag.  I've been able to avoid (knock on wood) blowing any blood vessels in my eyes this time around, and I credit it to avoiding the porcelain.

And now for something completely different...LM has officially started swim lessons at the local JCC.  This isn't so much as a swim lesson as a Let's All Get Used to Being in the Water By Singing Songs lesson, but I'll use "swim lesson" for short.  JD went in the water with LM (each child goes in with a parent), and I sat on the sideline with some very pregnant mamas.  I'm so glad JD was there because there is no way I would have been able to stomach all the bouncing in the water.

LM went in the pool a number of times this summer, so we both thought he'd do pretty well.  LM did fine, but got upset a couple times when he saw me and wanted to be with me.  I think that I will skip the lessons from now on, so that LM just stays with Daddy.  Out of sight, out of mind.

The Nanny Adventure

So, I'm still dealing with lots of nausea, but for the most part, the oral Zofran is allowing me to eat.  Since I was already on the pump by this time when I was pregnant with LM, it looks like -- NOT TEMPTING FATE HERE -- we may not enter hyperemesis-land this time around.

Still nausea stinks and I feel guilty that JD has to carry the huge burden of dealing with LM, The Boy, and running our household virtually by himself.  I'm trying to do as much as I can, but that, admittedly, is not all that much.  JD has really been wonderful and hasn't complained a bit.

Since we're all for embarking upon huge adventures simultaneously 'round these parts (see: week of our wedding, when we: bought a house, sold a house, moved, car broke down, SIL broke her foot and got married), we have decided that we're going to have a nanny.

Now, JD and I have been pretty happy with LM in full-time daycare.  We loved the daycare that he attended in Virginia (although the scheduling sometimes stunk), and like the center that LM currently attends in Maryland.  (I can't love it because it's the rebound daycare.  It's not that there's anything wrong with it).  Daycare is a choice* that has worked for our family (even though I occasionally struggle with mommy-guilt because I don't stay at home with LM).

JD and I had thrown around the idea of having a nanny rather than having two kids in full-time daycare, when we started cycling for #2.  Given my hyperemesis with my first pregnancy, we knew that this was something that needed to be taken care of sooner rather than later.  I had sort of been putting it off for whatever reason, when a family friend (who is a nanny) called to let me know that her current position was ending and that she was looking for a new position.  Talk about meant to be!

Though I do feel that we're making the right decision, I am concerned about this transition in LM's life.  He is used to "going to school" and being with his teachers and children and activity all day.  He is so amazing and personable and talkative and I don't want to do anything that would screw that up.  We've looked into LM attending his daycare on a part-time basis, but that is really prohibitively expensive.  What I am planning to do is enroll LM in a swim class and some other sort of Mommy & Me-type class so that he's exposed to other kids at least twice a week.  (Due to his late birthday, LM won't start preschool until next September).

Any advice or suggestions?

*I use the word "choice" in a looser sense, as both JD and I need to work outside the home for financial reasons, among others.

Undeleted!!

For whatever reason, Blogger deleted my blog for a few days, but it is now back up.  Yay!!

Now, go do this -- read Mel's instructions on how to back up your blog and do it now!  I didn't have anything saved and was trying to cope with the loss of everything I've written over the past five years.  Please do this.
___________________________

I am fine.  Very nauseated and on Zofran, but fine.

JD is fine.  Exhausted from having to take care of most things now, but fine.

LM is fine.  Still struggling with giving up the binky, but fine.

Back to our originally scheduled programming in a bit...

Spotting, Counting, Teething?

I had very light spotting this morning.  Freaked but figured it was more than likely nothing.  Still, went downstairs to double-check Dr. Google and called my nurse at Giant Fertility Clinic.  I've decided that I'm faced with too many decisions.  :)

Here's the scenario:
Nurse's voicemail says she'll be in from 7 AM to 4 PM.  (It's currently 6:45).  You can leave a message or if it's urgent call the main line.

The main line voicemail says they don't answer the phone till 8 AM, but if you have a medical emergency, call 911, or if it's not an emergency but urgent that you speak to someone, you can call the answering service who will page the doctor on call.

So, you've already got this web of choices that you have to go through when you are freaking out but kind of maintaining but kind of freaking.

You can:
A) Leave a message on Nurse's voice mail.
B) Leave a message on main line voice mail.
C) Wait for main line to answer their phone.
D) Call 911.
E) Call answering service and have on-call doc paged.

Where's the line to reach someone that answers in one ring and immediately tells you it's fine, no worries?

Well, I left a message on Nurse's line and she called me back a little after 8.  She thinks it's probably nothing but is going to have me come in for an u/s on Friday as opposed to waiting till the 30th.  I figure if she was really worried, she'd be having me come in today, right away, not waiting for several days.  I'm basically calm now.  No more spotting since this morning.

Sort of related only not question about dates: I'm following the convention of dating since LMP; I think Nurse/GFC is dating from dIUI.  Following my convention, I was 6 weeks this past Saturday.  Following Nurse's convention, I'm not 6 weeks till this Friday.

It doesn't really make a difference except it totally does because let's say someone's family was planning on going on a D-s-n-y cruise and they won't let you on at 24 weeks (like, they'll literally prevent you from getting on the boat) and by my count, I'm 24 weeks the day that we go.  But by Nurse's count, I wouldn't be 24 weeks till the middle of the trip (in which case, I don't know if they'd let me on).  And this probably doesn't matter anyways because: a) the count that really matters is my midwifery practice cause I won't be with GFC past 8 weeks (G-D willing) and it's more likely than not that they will go by LMP, and b) remember how sick I was last time?  I didn't get off the Zofran pump till I was 26 weeks.  Combining my severe motion sickness with hyperemesis?  No thank you.
______________________

In other news, LM is fine.  Whatever fever he might have had was gone by the time we picked him up from daycare.  We took it easy Wednesday night and during the day on Thursday (had to keep him home due to daycare policy).  He was fine by Thursday afternoon.  I suspect it was just a teething fever.

Batting Over 1000

I had my repeat beta (#3 overall) and we got a 1455!  Nurse says we're "off the charts wonderful" and no more blood tests needed.  Hooray!

Now, we just have to wait till our u/s.  Nurse pushed it off a bit (to the 30th) to up the odds that we'll see a heartbeat.  So, we'll just be on pins and needles till then.

It stinks to have to go in so often for the blood tests, but it really is nice to get that validation every other day that things are going well.

Nausea is increasing.  Blech.

JD just called.  LM is running a 100° fever at daycare right now.  JD is going to pick him up and we'll all meet up at the house.  I'm hoping this is just a tooth coming in or too much activity and not the beginnings of something yucky.

Back That Up

Finding a good daycare center was not a troublesome process for us.  I looked at several online, picked the one I liked best, and after visiting a short while, we were set.  I've been really happy with our choice, and feel secure that Lil' Man is in great hands.

Really, the only problem with our daycare is that because it's religiously-based, it's closed for a lot of holidays, not to mention various teacher conferences, breaks, etc.  Last week, we were out on Monday due to illness, then Wednesday and Thursday because of a holiday.

My job is secure (I work for the family business), but I hate having to take so much time off.  Then, I feel guilty for wanting to be at work instead of at home with Lil' Man.  It's a vicious cycle.

I do need to get together some sort of backup system.  Both our parents are in the area, but I'd prefer to not rely on them all the time for care.  Not to mention that I'm not 100% trusting of my MIL with the baby even when I'm around, let alone when I'm not there.  Wish I was; I'm not.

I did leave Lil' Man with MIL and FIL two weeks ago for JD and I to go out to dinner as grownups, so that's progress.  This experience, however, did not alleviate my trust issues.

People tell me, "How bad could your in-laws be?  They raised two kids!"  Yeah, that's not something in their favor.  I'm married to one of their kids.  :)

Anyway, we'll figure something out.  I'm sure this will get easier once Lil' Man is eating more food and nursing less.

The Forest, The Trees and Freak Napalming Incidents

I've always been a worrier -- full of anxiety, ready to see that Parade of Horribles wherever I go.  My mom used to call me "Very Worried Walrus" after the Sweet Pickles book.  My list of worries is long-lived and long-limbed, like a giant tree, well, many trees to go with the many different, yet inter-related worries.  Or, maybe it's a web of webs.  I'm sure there's a metaphor in here somewhere.

My biggest worry changes from day-to-day, hour-to-hour, and minute-to-minute.  Here's the top few currently:

1. I'm eating like there's no tomorrow; I'm going to gain back all this weight; I've gotta stop.
2. R has had the never-ending daycare cold with alternating runny and stuffy nose and cough for 2 weeks.
3. I need to make sure that I have my parents and JD's parents record a story or something for R so that he has something to remember them by when they pass.  (Not that this will happen soon, G-D forbid, I'm just worrying about it).  Really, this extends to all family members and friends cause you never know when they will die in some freak napalming incident.
4. Need to write letters to R and a document detailing all I want for him and want for him to learn in the event of my early death in some freak napalming incident.
5. The baby's clothes will never become clean and are horribly stained with spit-up.  (Deeper meaning: I am a horrible mother; This is a large section of the forest/web/whichever metaphor you prefer).
6. I am neither able to iron nor light matches and what does this say about me as a person?

I do have faith, though.  Faith in myself; faith in G-D; faith that somehow I'll muddle through all of this.  I just think, somehow, this will all work itself out because it has to.  It may not end how I wish it, but there will be an end somewhere.

The Lazarus Project

I'm here.

The last seven months have been a tremendous struggle, but R is the absolute light of my life.  He is worth all of this.

I haven't posted until now because I:

• didn't have the time, juggling the baby, housework and full-time job;
• was dealing with some issues that I didn't feel free to post about;
• felt guilty that I hadn't posted anything;
• prioritized all tasks over me time;
• etc., etc., etc.

Yet, I've always found this blog to be a great outlet for me.  I'm hoping that I will be able to post on a regular basis -- making use of a spare ten or fifteen minutes to at least check in.

I've missed you all desperately.  I'm back (sheepish grin).

Still Alive

First chance I've gotten to get online.  We're still alive and doing relatively well.  These first few days have been a muddled nightmare of sleeplessness, hormones, bossy in-laws and emotional breakdowns due to said sleeplessness, hormones, and bossy in-laws, etc.  Hoping we'll eventually get it together.

Our baby could have been named C-SPAN

Fitting for a total politics junkie mom, Raphael Max was born on Election Day at 6:38 PM.

He's 9 lbs 2 oz. and measures 21 inches long.

We're all doing well.