Jung and the Magic 8 Ball

Is it weird that I've never had a racy dream about my husband? Ever? I've had my share and they range from men whose face never quite comes into focus to friends to co-workers to boys who I had a crush on in 6th grade (only in the dream they were grown up, I assure you, I'm not into 12 year old boys).

I recently found a site that does a Gaelic Tarot Card reading (can't find the link anymore). Asked whether John Dear and I would have a baby this year or next, the signs were negative. Of course, when I was thinking of my question, I spent a lot of time revising, so that the English would be correct or so that the cards would know that I was thinking of the year between August 2008 and August 2009, rather than just the year 2008, as it's a little late for that. Maybe the cards were thrown off by my revising? In any event, asked two separate ways, the cards came back with different answers for my future, the Hermit and the Stargazer. Neither of these sounded all too promising.

Spurred on by Antigone's post this morning and Mrs. Spit's helpful link, I determined to ask the Magic 8 Ball whether we might have a baby this year or next. Apparently, signs don't look too good for John Dear and I to have a baby this year or next, but it is likely that I will become pregnant in 2009. Will John Dear be the biological father of the baby? No. Will we use a sperm donor? Unlikely.

Well, how is this going to work Magic 8 Ball? Am I going to have an affair? No. Will I sleep with someone else? Maybe. Will I sleep with unnamed coworker that I had a dream about last night? Very likely. Isn't that an affair, Magic 8 Ball? Plus, he's married, and so am I, so that ain't happening. Magic 8 Ball is stupid.

The rationalist in me (a large part of my mind) is saying, "um, hello? You are actually thinking that the outcome of your life is determined by a computer randomizer?" I know, I know, it's so crazy, and I shouldn't allow myself to get depressed about something so silly, but what if? What if the cards and the Magic 8 Ball are right?

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but things are not right. I'm sleepy all the time, yet I'm sleeping 10-12 hours a night. I'm turning inward and through my own making and the fact that I'm not awake, John Dear drifts further and further away from me.

Actually, the cards and the Magic 8 Ball are right, we won't have a baby this year. I'm unlikely to get pregnant this year too. I have to lose a little over 40 more lbs to do IVF and realistically, I won't be able to drop that before November 2008. Then, LovelyRE says I'll need to go on The Pill and Lupron and all that jazz so that they can control my cycle in order to do IVF. Even if we do get pregnant on our first go round with IVF, we may not even have a baby in 2009.

It seems like everyone else has babies or is pregnant or is at least well on their way to becoming pregnant. I hate this. I hate that I'm too fat to go ahead now. I hate that my husband and I can't have a baby naturally. I hate that my husband has so many illnesses and ailments besides the baby-making related ones. I hate that our very young marriage has had to go through so many trials already. I hate that I've ever had to contemplate divorce. I hate that the fact that my husband and I can't have a baby naturally almost spurs me to dream about scenarios with other men, men who would be able to give me children. I just hate all of this.

UPDATE: Not only am I not able to have a baby, I also can't subtract. I have a little over 30 lbs to lose, not 40.