Back That Up

Finding a good daycare center was not a troublesome process for us.  I looked at several online, picked the one I liked best, and after visiting a short while, we were set.  I've been really happy with our choice, and feel secure that Lil' Man is in great hands.

Really, the only problem with our daycare is that because it's religiously-based, it's closed for a lot of holidays, not to mention various teacher conferences, breaks, etc.  Last week, we were out on Monday due to illness, then Wednesday and Thursday because of a holiday.

My job is secure (I work for the family business), but I hate having to take so much time off.  Then, I feel guilty for wanting to be at work instead of at home with Lil' Man.  It's a vicious cycle.

I do need to get together some sort of backup system.  Both our parents are in the area, but I'd prefer to not rely on them all the time for care.  Not to mention that I'm not 100% trusting of my MIL with the baby even when I'm around, let alone when I'm not there.  Wish I was; I'm not.

I did leave Lil' Man with MIL and FIL two weeks ago for JD and I to go out to dinner as grownups, so that's progress.  This experience, however, did not alleviate my trust issues.

People tell me, "How bad could your in-laws be?  They raised two kids!"  Yeah, that's not something in their favor.  I'm married to one of their kids.  :)

Anyway, we'll figure something out.  I'm sure this will get easier once Lil' Man is eating more food and nursing less.

The Forest, The Trees and Freak Napalming Incidents

I've always been a worrier -- full of anxiety, ready to see that Parade of Horribles wherever I go.  My mom used to call me "Very Worried Walrus" after the Sweet Pickles book.  My list of worries is long-lived and long-limbed, like a giant tree, well, many trees to go with the many different, yet inter-related worries.  Or, maybe it's a web of webs.  I'm sure there's a metaphor in here somewhere.

My biggest worry changes from day-to-day, hour-to-hour, and minute-to-minute.  Here's the top few currently:

1. I'm eating like there's no tomorrow; I'm going to gain back all this weight; I've gotta stop.
2. R has had the never-ending daycare cold with alternating runny and stuffy nose and cough for 2 weeks.
3. I need to make sure that I have my parents and JD's parents record a story or something for R so that he has something to remember them by when they pass.  (Not that this will happen soon, G-D forbid, I'm just worrying about it).  Really, this extends to all family members and friends cause you never know when they will die in some freak napalming incident.
4. Need to write letters to R and a document detailing all I want for him and want for him to learn in the event of my early death in some freak napalming incident.
5. The baby's clothes will never become clean and are horribly stained with spit-up.  (Deeper meaning: I am a horrible mother; This is a large section of the forest/web/whichever metaphor you prefer).
6. I am neither able to iron nor light matches and what does this say about me as a person?

I do have faith, though.  Faith in myself; faith in G-D; faith that somehow I'll muddle through all of this.  I just think, somehow, this will all work itself out because it has to.  It may not end how I wish it, but there will be an end somewhere.

The Lazarus Project

I'm here.

The last seven months have been a tremendous struggle, but R is the absolute light of my life.  He is worth all of this.

I haven't posted until now because I:

• didn't have the time, juggling the baby, housework and full-time job;
• was dealing with some issues that I didn't feel free to post about;
• felt guilty that I hadn't posted anything;
• prioritized all tasks over me time;
• etc., etc., etc.

Yet, I've always found this blog to be a great outlet for me.  I'm hoping that I will be able to post on a regular basis -- making use of a spare ten or fifteen minutes to at least check in.

I've missed you all desperately.  I'm back (sheepish grin).