Tuesday, June 30, 2009

At Zero

Went in for blood work today and beta hcg is down to zero. The blood work merely confirmed what I thought already, given that the bleeding had stopped by Saturday. We're cleared to start dIUI #2 as soon as I start my next cycle.

JD and I have been working to be happy, with ourselves and each other. Our joint therapy session on Sunday was somewhat traumatic for me. I felt that both therapists were ganging up on me, either blaming me for JD's behavior or saying that I was elevating it due to the grief from the miscarriage and the pregnancy hormones, OR somehow saying that I wasn't really grieving the miscarriage, like I wasn't showing the right emotions or something (a la Camus' L'Etranger (please excuse the lack of accents - I just don't feel like looking up the code)).

Going to see Jim Gaffigan tonight and I'm quite excited about it. I need to laugh.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Honest Scrap

I've been awarded Honest Scrap by a few wonderful bloggers, but never got around to remarking on it before. In any event, thank you for this honor.

Rules for the Award:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs you find brilliant in content or design.
2. Show the 7 winners' names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
I'm awarding Honest Scrap to...
Honest things about me:
1. I love my job. I get to interact with lots of people on lots of different issues. My day is always changing and I love that I get to use my education and my brain for my job.
2. My weight loss ultimate goal was to be able to buy a suit at JCrew, but my law school friends have convinced me that I should change that to Anne Klein.
3. I'm afraid that I'll never lose the weight, because I've been fat all my life and so why bother? As we read in The Little Prince, it's a viscious circle.
4. My new goal is to be happy and content. Not resigned, content. To me, content doesn't me that you abandon striving or working towards other goals, it means being happy in your own self and situation or working towards that.
5. I'm afraid that because of this miscarriage it means that we'll miscarry again.
6. I'm attracted to dorks and geeks.
7. The best problem that I have is that I have too many books to read.
8. I'm having a miscarriage and my marriage is exceedingly difficult, but I was cheered today because the library sent me a notice that the audiobook of the fourth Twilight book that I've had on hold for many moons is finally in for me.
9. I heart carbs. A lot.
10. I LOVED The Hangover.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I've tried to update several times the last few days, but found myself at a loss for words. I'm OK, I think.

I was passing some small clots throughout the weekend, but didn't begin "actively miscarrying" (as I'm calling it) until Sunday night. The cramps have been very bad, but as long as I stay on top of the Advil dose, I can live through it. Very heavy flow and lots of clots. My nurse said to expect that, so I haven't been worrying.

My beta is going down faster and faster. From a high of 160 to 149 (Friday) to 136 (Sunday) to 99.8 (today). Since it's moving down the way that it is supposed to, I don't need to go back in for another blood test till next week.

I took off of work yesterday and today. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow.

More drama on the marriage front. We had another huge fight/incident/who knows on Saturday at a family dinner. I don't/can't talk about it. We spent most of Saturday night and Sunday morning talking and crying. I don't know what will happen.

I think about leaving, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make that decision. Then, with all these health problems, I just want to tell him, "Go home to your mother and when you get fixed, then come back." It's just never ending.

His reality is not anyone else's. He bitches about how he gives and gives and gives and that nothing he does is ever good enough for me; that he's sick of always being the bad guy. I almost wish that there were a court reporter or a camera crew around, so he could see the difference between his truth and everyone else's.

The reality is that he does very little, but wants a medal for the stuff that he actually does accomplish. The reality is that he screams at me in public and in private, he throws tantrums, he acts and reacts like a child. He is the bad guy. If he's sick of being the bad guy, he could try stopping his behavior.

He says repeatedly that he doesn't know how to help me, what do I want him to do. Take care of me, dammit! Sometimes think of me before yourself! Wake up to the fact that the universe does not revolve around you!

I think my requests, though, give him too much credit, in that his Asperger's prevents him from seeing the world from anyone's viewpoint but his own. For him, the universe does revolve around him and, for example, when my mother calls, she's obviously calling to hear about all of JD's aches and pains (not to check up on her daughter whose married to an asshole and is in the middle of a miscarriage).

I try to use the analogy that our household is a boat and that all the activities that we do involved with the house and work helps to row the boat forward. I want JD to help me row. It's not about 50/50, it doesn't have to be exactly equal and probably couldn't be. It's about each person doing tasks to help propel the boat. But, rowing one stroke while I'm rowing the life out of me doesn't cut it either.

Friday, June 19, 2009


JD and I made it to our appointment this morning with no incidents. The only thing that showed up on the ultrasound was a blood clot. So, we were just in a wait and see till my blood work came back.

My nurse just called and said that my number has started going down on its own, from 160 on Tuesday to 149 today. I'm glad. I much preferred my body to handle this naturally rather than having to go through intervention.

Given the strong cramping that I've been feeling for the past two days, it's likely that I'll begin my period soon.

I'm doing OK. The tears sneak up on me every one in a while, but it's more upset about how many things in our life are screwed up, as opposed to being upset solely about the miscarriage.

JD tried and mostly succeeded at not falling apart on me. It's not that he can't be upset, just that he takes it to the extreme. He's trying. We're both trying.

I'm going to go back in on Sunday for a repeat blood check. My nurse said that if it keeps coming down, they will probably only have me come in once a week till it goes down to zero.

I'll have to lose at least 10 pounds to get back down to the BMI limit for IUI at my clinic. We've got 5 samples in storage. We'll be ready for round 2 soon.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


First, thank you so much for your comments and caring. Your notes truly get me through my days and I turn back to them again and again.

I got a lot accomplished last night and this morning so I thought I'd write it down, not to brag, just to remember that I can accomplish lots when I try.

Last night I:
-Created a new "intention" - telling the baby "You can go if you need to go. You don't have to stay because I want you to stay. You can go if you need to go. I'm letting you go. I love you." Concentrated on my intention several times during the evening and before bed.
-Cleared the table after dinner
-Took out trash and recycling
-Rinsed all dishes and loaded the dishwasher
-"Fluffed" the clean load of laundry sitting in the dryer
-Loaded a load of towels and the Pesach tablecloth (only 2 months after Pesach) in the washer)
-Folded and put away the equivalent of 4 loads of laundry
-Made the bed
-Put my shoes in the closet
-Laid out workout clothes and work clothes for this morning
-Took down old, ripped shower curtain and bad shower curtain rings and hung up new shower curtain with new rings
-Deadheaded flowers
-Put plastic footstool that had been holding giant pile of laundry in bedroom onto the balcony to live with its matching chair
-Walked The Boy
-Washed my face
-Flossed and brushed teeth
-Went to sleep at 10 PM

This Morning I:
-Got up after only two snooze cycles
-Concentrated on my intention
-Took myself on a half hour walk in the rain (I am HARD CORE!) and blissed out to my C-SPAN podcast on Lincoln's time as a president-elect (I am HARD CORE DORK!)
-Took a nice shower
-Got dressed for work
-Made tea for me and JD and put his tea (covered) on his nightstand so it's ready for him when he wakes up
-Made a healthy breakfast for me of Greek yogurt, blueberries, banana and walnuts
-Ate my breakfast and drank my tea while reading a book
-Cleared off table, rinsed dishes, loaded them in dishwasher and started the dishwasher
-Remembered to bring SIL's Kale and Salmon Quiche with me for lunch
-Took The Boy to doggie daycare
-Put on makeup
-Took my pills (Zoloft and prenatal vitamins)

Now I'm at work. I'm hoping to finish comments on the monthly financials and "attend" several conference calls. On one of the calls, my boss is trying to surpass the world record in how many times he uses the F word on one call. Will let you know how that goes.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Who Knows

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes calm, sometimes teary. Right now, I'm crying my eyes out.

My body is all over the place. Sometimes pg symptoms, sometimes pd symptoms, sometimes no symptoms. The only thing constant is the cramping, but even that is not constant.

I tried to research D&C today, so that I could go in with at least some knowledge of what to expect on Friday if that's what the doctor thinks we should do. Started bawling. Currently holed up in my office, door closed.

JD is so depressed that he's barely functioning. He's going in for a kidney x-ray and an abdominal sonogram tomorrow to see if he's having a gall bladder attack. As for his foot surgery recovery, he's basically up and walking, for short periods of time. Otherwise, he's reading, watching TV or playing on the computer. He's whining and when he does speak, he's mumbling.

I have absolutely nothing to give him. Will he ever be healthy? Will he ever be able to be there for me? It just feels like everything was fine with him until we got married and now he's constantly breaking down physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, I really hate him. And utterly resent him. For everything. The infertility, the perversions, the inability to relate emotionally, the inability to keep a job, the inability/refusal to do anything housework-wise. I'm left to shoulder these burdens by myself.

I just spoke with BFF and she told me (as we've discussed many times) that JD will not change and cannot change. I either move on and try to have a family with someone else, or accept that JD will not and cannot be a man or any part of the man that I need and that that is the way it is.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Running the Numbers

In order to help keep score:

5/23/09 & 5/24/09: dIUIs

6/7/09: BFN on HPT

6/8/09: 16 days past iui ("16 dpiui"): Beta = 40.8

6/10/09: Beta = 78.9 (Based on what I've been told, so talk to your own doctor about this, the beta level, i.e., the amount of "pregnancy hormone" in your blood, should double every 48-72 hours for the first few weeks of pregnancy).

6/12/09: Beta = 113 (slower than normal rise)

6/15/09: Beta = 152 (inadequate rise)

6/16/09: Beta = 160 (inadequate rise); Ultrasound shows intrauterine sac

Next blood work & ultrasound: 6/19/09
I spoke with my nurse this afternoon who agreed that it was good news that we were basically ruling out an ectopic, and that if the beta had not appreciably risen or lowered by Friday, that the doctor would want to discuss a D&C (scheduling it for Monday).

The TP Tango is showing some brown-colored discharge. It seems like I'm going to start my period soon. My nurse said to be sure to mention that to the doc as they would likely hold back on intervening if it looked like my body was going to take care of this naturally.


First, my morning, then the forecast.
6:12 AM Get up and get dressed

6:30 AM Wake JD and inform him that if he wants to take a shower before we leave for the Giant Fertility Clinic, he'll need to get up now

6:45 AM Wake JD (again) and let him know that I'm taking The Boy to doggie daycare and that he needs to be ready when I get back and that I cannot wait for him, he must be ready.

7:05 AM Call JD after dropping off The Boy and inform JD that I will be home in 10 minutes and could he please be waiting out front for me.

7:15 AM Pull up in front of house. Shocker - JD not there. Call house and JD picks up. I say, "I asked you to be downstairs ready for me. I can't afford to wait for you." He says, "I'm coming down right now!"

7:20 AM Still not there. I am fuming. Decide that if he doesn't come down in the next 5 minutes, it's over. Because if he doesn't come down, he doesn't give a crap about me or our family. And eff him, I'm done with his B/S.

7:25 AM He finally gets in the car and I drive like a maniac up to GFC. He apologizes for making me late. I alternately silently fume and rage at him, saying that I woke him several times, spoke to him last night and this morning of the importance of not being late and being ready, and that the fact that he was still late demonstrated to me that he doesn't give a crap about me, is utterly insensitive and is not supportive of me.

He tries to apologize for taking so long and making me mad; I yell that it's not that he takes so long, it's that he doesn't give a sh-t. If he gave a sh-t, he would've made sure that he was up and ready and downstairs waiting. EX: (which I didn't use at the time), if it's something he cares about, like cartoons, or his f-cking computer games, he's up and ready.

I tell him that I feel alone in all this and his actions just give more demonstration to that effect.

7:55 AM Averaging 80 mph the whole way, we get to GFC late for our appointment. They take us back to ultrasound after about 10 minutes, but then make us wait for 20 minutes while I have no pants on. JD says that he's sorry that he let me down again and that I'm not alone and that he's here for me. We are OK, but I am so sick of him only caring about himself. I realize that he has Asperger's and that it prevents him from understanding the world outside of his own point of view, but sometimes, I don't think it's Asperger's, I think it's just that he's an a--hole. Course, the two are not mutually exclusive.

So, we met with SuperDoc (our doc is on vacation), his assistant and the Sonographer Extraordinaire. They are awesome.

We saw a small sac in the uterus. Thank G-D. This brings our chances of having an ectopic down considerably. There was a line of fluid next to the embryo which may be the cause of the cramping.

Here's our chances:

80% Non-viable intrauterine pregnancy
18% Viable intrauterine pregnancy
2% Ectopic pregnancy

SuperDoc said that he could not rule out the possibility of an ectopic totally, and that we would do another ultrasound on Friday to see what was happening. No methotrexate (drug used to help the body terminate a non-viable pregnancy) for me today!

Monday, June 15, 2009

An Answer?

My beta is up to 152 from 113 on Friday. Obviously, not a good rise.

My doc and nurse are concerned that this is an ectopic pregnancy. I'm going in for blood work and an ultrasound tomorrow (thank goodness that parking is free at my clinic, they'd be making a fortune off me). If we see a sac in the right place, we'll try and let it go on for a couple more days, see what happens. If we don't and it's tubal, we'll have to terminate.

I feel like an ectopic would explain the mild cramping I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. I've been passing if off as gas, but it could be tubal.

JD has gone off the deep end with worrying and depression; a difference from his way calm stance before that everything would work out because he had willed it to be so. I'm surprisingly calm. I guess I feel like we now have an answer.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Slower than Normal

Today's beta result was 113. This is less than they wanted to see. They really wanted to see over 150, but would have settled for a 66% rise, which would have put me at 130.

They are having me come in on Monday for another beta to see if the number is still going up or if it starts to go down.

I'm a complete wreck.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Cow Time

I resemble a large cow (more than I usually do) because I'm chewing gum to ease the heartburn. Not sure why this works, but it does and I'm sticking with it.

I'm feeling very, very fat. Found out my weight on Tuesday night after a long time of not knowing (we don't have a scale at home). It's high. Not the highest it's ever been, but it'd be nice if it were lower. Must start walking regime.

Nausea is basically mild, nothing I don't experience on a regular daily basis anyways.

Dizziness is still there. This merry-go-round is so low budget. There aren't even those lame horses that don't go up and down.

Other symptoms are ongoing, but nothing funny or notable to report on them.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Rise

My 2nd beta is 78.9, basically doubling over a 48-hour period. Good news.

My nurse says that you don't usually see the large amounts and jumps that you see in IVF when you're doing IUIs, and that my clinic looks for rises of 66% over 48 hours, which I'm more than doing.

I'm going in for a 3rd beta on Friday morning and will probably go in for an ultrasound sometime next week.

For all the laypeople who read my blog and don't know betas from gammas, I'm in a family way at the moment.

Who knows the news aside from you, dear Readers? Obviously, John Dear. Also, my mom, BFF and Roger. My mentor knows, as does my shrink.

Who doesn't know? My dad, JD's parents, our siblings, the rest of the world. Trying to keep the news in to surprise the parental units at my MIL's birthday party next week.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Holy Fucking Hell

Got a call from the Big Doc himself.
Beta is positive.
Good? Bad?
The Big Doc says, "I'm a greedy man; I always want it higher, but I'll take what I can get."
We'll see on Wednesday; that's the second beta.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Test 1 - BFN

I had a strong feeling not to test this morning, and just should have listened to my instincts. But I thought that first-morning pee was the strongest so I just went ahead and tested.

It could just be early days; it could be the dollar-store tests that expired last month; it could be a lot of things.

I'm going to ask for monitoring and prometrium next cycle. Should have been more insistent this cycle.

Still nauseated, still all of the symptoms I listed on Friday, still no period.

I dreamed of how I would tell JD and put that plan into action. I tempted fate. Fate's a b*tch.

We have so many things not going for us in our life; can't we just have this? Can't I just have this?

Is this G-D telling me to leave JD? Pretty much everyone else has. Why not G-D?

I can't do anything to hurt myself until I take a shower and eat some breakfast. By then, I'll be too depressed to hurt myself.

I hate this.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Not Yet

I am continuing to battle the forces of darkness and not google pregnancy symptoms (even though Chez Perky said it was OK and my right as an infertile). I'm also successfully resisting the siren's call of home pregnancy tests (especially since I've only got dollar store ones at home which are not the nice digital ones that answer my question with a word as opposed to shading a line).

Really wanna know what I'm feeling? I mean, physically? If you don't, stop now.

I mean it.


Cause it's TMI Time.

Last chance.

The following are a list of the continuing symptoms that I've been experiencing over the past week or so:

Mood Swings
Back Pain
Sore Boobage

The emotionalness and nausea are my common symptoms for everything. All the other symptoms are new, or at least, not usual for me. I've never experienced the last one, so I had no idea what other people were talking about when they said they had it. They hurt, man!

Anticipated CD 1 is tomorrow. Beta is Monday. Going to try and hold out on P'ingOAS until Sunday. It's all about the TP Tango now.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Did I ever mention that JD was having foot surgery again? Today, he had surgery to remove the three screws that have been residing in his right foot since October 2007. Hopefully, this removal will also remove the pain that he's been experiencing since October '07.

The surgery went well, though they did find a tick on JD's arm (holy wildlife Batman!) and the surgeon's fellow truly screwed up the giving of the Baby Blues prescription (oxycodone).

We're home; JD is sleeping and I'm exhausted.