Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Unsaid

I've tried to update several times the last few days, but found myself at a loss for words. I'm OK, I think.

I was passing some small clots throughout the weekend, but didn't begin "actively miscarrying" (as I'm calling it) until Sunday night. The cramps have been very bad, but as long as I stay on top of the Advil dose, I can live through it. Very heavy flow and lots of clots. My nurse said to expect that, so I haven't been worrying.

My beta is going down faster and faster. From a high of 160 to 149 (Friday) to 136 (Sunday) to 99.8 (today). Since it's moving down the way that it is supposed to, I don't need to go back in for another blood test till next week.

I took off of work yesterday and today. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow.

More drama on the marriage front. We had another huge fight/incident/who knows on Saturday at a family dinner. I don't/can't talk about it. We spent most of Saturday night and Sunday morning talking and crying. I don't know what will happen.

I think about leaving, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make that decision. Then, with all these health problems, I just want to tell him, "Go home to your mother and when you get fixed, then come back." It's just never ending.

His reality is not anyone else's. He bitches about how he gives and gives and gives and that nothing he does is ever good enough for me; that he's sick of always being the bad guy. I almost wish that there were a court reporter or a camera crew around, so he could see the difference between his truth and everyone else's.

The reality is that he does very little, but wants a medal for the stuff that he actually does accomplish. The reality is that he screams at me in public and in private, he throws tantrums, he acts and reacts like a child. He is the bad guy. If he's sick of being the bad guy, he could try stopping his behavior.

He says repeatedly that he doesn't know how to help me, what do I want him to do. Take care of me, dammit! Sometimes think of me before yourself! Wake up to the fact that the universe does not revolve around you!

I think my requests, though, give him too much credit, in that his Asperger's prevents him from seeing the world from anyone's viewpoint but his own. For him, the universe does revolve around him and, for example, when my mother calls, she's obviously calling to hear about all of JD's aches and pains (not to check up on her daughter whose married to an asshole and is in the middle of a miscarriage).

I try to use the analogy that our household is a boat and that all the activities that we do involved with the house and work helps to row the boat forward. I want JD to help me row. It's not about 50/50, it doesn't have to be exactly equal and probably couldn't be. It's about each person doing tasks to help propel the boat. But, rowing one stroke while I'm rowing the life out of me doesn't cut it either.

40 comments:

becomingwhole said...

I just want it to get better for you. If I were a "real life" friend, I could help you pack (or help him pack) or help you stay, or whatever YOU want. I could cook you dinner. All I have are some words, and I'm afraid they're the wrong words. I'm so sorry. You seem to be going through two separate hells simultaneously. I'm so sorry.

S said...

I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be married to someone like your husband.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this in addition to your miscarriage. Everyone deserves someone who will not only love her, but care for her.

Melissa G said...

Becomingwhole said exactly what I was thinking.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now.

Big hugs.

Lorza said...

I too echo melissa G, and becomingwhole. I would bring the tissues and the tea. I would be there for you...unfortunately all I can do is type from my house, and tear up for you. I can pray for you. I will support you in whatever you choose to do- and cheer you on in the blogosphere.

XOXOXOXO

VA Blondie said...

I am so sorry. I wish I could be there to give you a hug in person.

Meghan said...

Oh hon, I am around so if you ever want a night away from it all, please please just call. Let me (and all of us) help you row.

Sending hugs your way

Fertilized said...

I want to take you out and help you consume chocolate and Ice Cream .... Or alcohol or SOMETHING! I am sorry

JamieD said...

I don't comment a lot but know that I think of you often.

Sending you much peace and strength . . .

theworms said...

I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

(((HUGS)))

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm so sorry! Dealing with this is so much and I wish you lived down the street because I would be over their in heartbeat with chocolates, wine, whatever would give you a few minutes of peace.

~Jess said...

oh sweetie *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. If this is how he acts now, what will he be like with children? I sometimes think that any child/children would be safer with only you as the parent- he is doing nothing to show he will be a loving dedicated parent. Now I am extra worried as he doesn't take care of my best friend and only thinks of himself EVEN when sge is going through one of the hardest things you will have to go through. I am so sorry. I am here for you. I wish things were different. Let me know what to do.

BFF

N said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of that, in addition to to the miscarriage. *hugs tight*

Lisa RM said...

You are a stronger woman than I.

ICLW

SassyCupcakes said...

I hear you. *hug*

Hillary said...

You have a lot on your plate right now and I am SO SORRY. I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs and please know that we are here for you.

battynurse said...

I'm sorry. I hope things improve.

Clare said...

I hope you can focus more on you right now and get yourself through this tough time - your body needs you to rest and recover. All the fighting and crying must be making the pain so much worse. When this part is over, maybe then you can spend the time dealing with your relationship and resolve to move forward in whatever way you decide is right for you. Thinking of you. Hugs.

Jill said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now. sending lots of hugs

theclam said...

Oh Lord honey, as if what you were going through was not hard enough?? I'm sorry the m/c is so painful (physically and mentally) and that you're having issues getting through to JD.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you're worth what you're asking for, and if you can cry it out.

Thinking of you.

xxx

Ginny said...

Oh hun, I am SO sorry! My hubby has many issues & my brother has some form of Autism, so I think I can relate to what you are saying. I am so sorry you have to go through all this, all the best for you!!!!

Searching for Serenity said...

There is one thing I know, you will not sink. You are strong and will paddle through this, with or without him.

You have a strong circle of bloggie friends who continue to send warmth and peace your way. Take a deep breath and suck it in.

Take care of yourself, dear.

Leah said...

I'm so sorry this is all terrible right now. If I didn't have 4 slices in my gut today, I'd be at your side with tea, chocolate, hugs, and tissues. Once I'm on the mend, let's get together.

In the meantime, take care of YOU. I've given plenty of assvice on the JD thing, so I think you know where I stand on that topic. I just wish that right now he could magically rise above his issues to support you during the miscarriage. The hormone crash and the grief process are debilitating. You need support, not another dependent to care for.

xoxo

chicklet said...

As someone who left her first husband, I think you put it amazingly well re the rowboat. Mine was like that, except mine when helping was also rowing us in circles, popping holes in the bottom of the boat, and doing more damage to slow us down than to help. I don't know where you're at, you have a lot going on so maybe now's not the time to make a big life decision, BUT... as someone who made a big life decision, I can say there's never a good time to make it. I really think if you keep thinking about making it, you could be ready to make it, cuz people who are happy don't think about making those kinds of decisions.

If you wanna email at all, for some support on the marriage front, I've been there and done that so maybe might be a good shoulder?

Jen said...

This all really sucks. I'm sorry.

I've been thinking about you.

perchancetodream said...

I echo what everyone else here has said. I think that it's so easy to get overwhelmed when you're dealing with so many emotionally taxing issues. Get through this miscarriage and take care of yourself. JD will have to manage on his own. You need to heal and grieve and find your own place of peace.

Then turn your view to your marriage. Some of what you talk about is typical male/female crap, some is down to his condition and there is only so much that either of those will change. But ultimately, you need to figure out what's best for you, within or without the relationship.

I wish you only the best as you move through all of this.

christina said...

so sorry for your loss and how it (and other things) are impacting your marriage. best of luck to you.

iclw

Me said...

When we were in counseling I used the "pulling a cart" analogy. I understand.

I guess I'm a dolt because I didn't realize that JD has Asperger's. I know this can be a pretty wide range... but regardless, It think you are probably right that this contributes to his egocentric myopia. I don't even know what to say about that. I'm sorry.

Martha said...

Asperger's is so difficult, I hope clarity and peace find you soon.

Jen said...

I feel so horribly for you, and like all the support I could possibly offer isn't even close to enough. Put YOU first, hon. You deserve it.

Erika said...

I know I don't know you at all, but if I could, I'd come pick you up and take you out for dinner, pedicure, and a really good movie. From here, I wish you the best of luck in sleeping well, and coping with all you're dealing with. Hugs!

LJ said...

I wish I knew what I could say to make this G-d awful time even the remotest bit better. All I know is, I'm here for you, whatever you need, whatever you choose, even if it means choosing to sit with it all.

Hope Endures said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and for everything that you're dealing with. I wish I could make it better for you. Sending many hugs, thoughts, and prayers your way.

Io said...

Seriously: If you need somebody to come be strong for you I will hop on a plane and come out there.
I am so so sad to hear your news. That JD wouldn't be doing everything in his power to comfort and pamper you is, quite frankly, enraging to me. You deserve an equal partner. You are awesome.

mommysomeday said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this! Marriage difficulties on top of a miscarriage -- I can't imagine.

~ICLW

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this at the same time. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!
~Michelle (ICLW)

Amy said...

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with disappointment on several fronts. I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

DrSpouse said...

Sad.

Geohde said...

Living with someone with Asperger's can be really tough, you have my offer of a virtual cup of tea, anytime.

It must be tough for him, too, because he truly CAN'T get a lot of things, except as a concept.

xx

g

momofonefornow said...

So, I think I already told you that your JD sounds exactly like my Jon. I mean, ridiculously similar. I know, without a doubt, that mine has Aspererger's. I just know it.

Now, here is my assvice to you. This is something that you won't want to hear, but here it is. He will make a terrible parent. I am sorry. I just have to be blunt. I know this because mine is a terrible parent. After screaming at the man for a week to mow the lawn, he chose a time when he was supposed to caring for our 3 year old. He locked our child in the house and went outside for an hour and mowed the lawn! As if this wasn't bad enough, he left a knife on the table within my babies reach. I came home and lost my mind and he looked at me as if I was a bitch because instead of heaping praise on him for mowing the lawn I was in a rage that he put our child in danger.

This example is just one of many. So, this is the thing, don't have a baby with this man. If there is anyway that he can lay claim to it, don't do it. Now that my bean is 5, and I am separated, I spend every visit that my son has with him on edge. I worry that he is going to be left in a car (has happened before) or not watched at the swimming pool (has happened before).

I know my life isn't your life, but your stories about his behavior are so similar that I can't help but think that my advice is right on target. Take your time and think it through. Sending you hugs.