Unsaid

I've tried to update several times the last few days, but found myself at a loss for words. I'm OK, I think.

I was passing some small clots throughout the weekend, but didn't begin "actively miscarrying" (as I'm calling it) until Sunday night. The cramps have been very bad, but as long as I stay on top of the Advil dose, I can live through it. Very heavy flow and lots of clots. My nurse said to expect that, so I haven't been worrying.

My beta is going down faster and faster. From a high of 160 to 149 (Friday) to 136 (Sunday) to 99.8 (today). Since it's moving down the way that it is supposed to, I don't need to go back in for another blood test till next week.

I took off of work yesterday and today. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow.

More drama on the marriage front. We had another huge fight/incident/who knows on Saturday at a family dinner. I don't/can't talk about it. We spent most of Saturday night and Sunday morning talking and crying. I don't know what will happen.

I think about leaving, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make that decision. Then, with all these health problems, I just want to tell him, "Go home to your mother and when you get fixed, then come back." It's just never ending.

His reality is not anyone else's. He bitches about how he gives and gives and gives and that nothing he does is ever good enough for me; that he's sick of always being the bad guy. I almost wish that there were a court reporter or a camera crew around, so he could see the difference between his truth and everyone else's.

The reality is that he does very little, but wants a medal for the stuff that he actually does accomplish. The reality is that he screams at me in public and in private, he throws tantrums, he acts and reacts like a child. He is the bad guy. If he's sick of being the bad guy, he could try stopping his behavior.

He says repeatedly that he doesn't know how to help me, what do I want him to do. Take care of me, dammit! Sometimes think of me before yourself! Wake up to the fact that the universe does not revolve around you!

I think my requests, though, give him too much credit, in that his Asperger's prevents him from seeing the world from anyone's viewpoint but his own. For him, the universe does revolve around him and, for example, when my mother calls, she's obviously calling to hear about all of JD's aches and pains (not to check up on her daughter whose married to an asshole and is in the middle of a miscarriage).

I try to use the analogy that our household is a boat and that all the activities that we do involved with the house and work helps to row the boat forward. I want JD to help me row. It's not about 50/50, it doesn't have to be exactly equal and probably couldn't be. It's about each person doing tasks to help propel the boat. But, rowing one stroke while I'm rowing the life out of me doesn't cut it either.