Sunday, June 7, 2009

Test 1 - BFN

I had a strong feeling not to test this morning, and just should have listened to my instincts. But I thought that first-morning pee was the strongest so I just went ahead and tested.

It could just be early days; it could be the dollar-store tests that expired last month; it could be a lot of things.

I'm going to ask for monitoring and prometrium next cycle. Should have been more insistent this cycle.

Still nauseated, still all of the symptoms I listed on Friday, still no period.

I dreamed of how I would tell JD and put that plan into action. I tempted fate. Fate's a b*tch.

We have so many things not going for us in our life; can't we just have this? Can't I just have this?

Is this G-D telling me to leave JD? Pretty much everyone else has. Why not G-D?

I can't do anything to hurt myself until I take a shower and eat some breakfast. By then, I'll be too depressed to hurt myself.

I hate this.

19 comments:

LJ said...

Ugh, that fucking sucks. I'm not gonna dispense any assvice, just give you lots of hugs later.

Jen said...

Grrr. I hope it is just too early. I'll keep the fingers crossed.

Fertilized said...

Still crossing my fingers! Hoping it is early!

Melissa G said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN. Hopefully it was just too early.

Hang in there.

PJ said...

I would totally go out and spend the money on some good pregnancy tests like First Respose Early Detection, just to be sure.

I hope you get better results with either more tests or the beta!!!

Thinking of you.

calliope said...

dang! I vote you had a wonky test and that it was too early. have ALL crossables crossed.
xo

tireegal68 said...

wow- that's sh#$#y news and I am not surprised you sound so bummed out. I am sorry other stuff is not going well and that people are not being supportive of your relationship. I hope so much that things turn around. Take care. Do you have other supportive people in your life that can be there for you? I hope so. ((HUGS))

Rachel said...

Ugh. I really hope you get good news soon (whether later this cycle or the next).

becomingwhole said...

shitshitshit
so sorry
hope it's not the last word on this cycle
shit

~Jess said...

*hugs*

Clare said...

boo. it sucks. but perhaps there still some time?? Thinking of you. Hugs.

JamieD said...

I hate it for you, as well.

Thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

Hillary said...

Ugh, that sucks. I'm sorry, sweetie. Hoping for better news tomorrow and I'm thinking of you!!

Liddy said...

I am so sorry sweetie. You are always in my thoughts. HUGS!

Meghan said...

Hugs, thinking of you tomorrow

Leah said...

Well that sucks donkey balls. I am going to WILL a 2nd line to be there tomorrow morning. It simply must be there.

Jill said...

Still keeping up hope. ((hugs))

A Few Good Sperm said...

Still hoping for you.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm hoping it's still early and that you get a different result next time you test, too. BUT in the event that this cycle is a negative, I have this to say, for what it's worth - for me, my first cycle with DI was the hardest BFN. By far. Not that the others weren't hard, but the first one was the worst. I think because of the way I had built it up in my mind, that it was our first "real" try, that this time there actually was hope.

I know you can get through this, no matter what. You are so strong, my friend, even in the midst of all the hurt and uncertainty. Holding you in my prayers today.