Who Knows

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes calm, sometimes teary. Right now, I'm crying my eyes out.

My body is all over the place. Sometimes pg symptoms, sometimes pd symptoms, sometimes no symptoms. The only thing constant is the cramping, but even that is not constant.

I tried to research D&C today, so that I could go in with at least some knowledge of what to expect on Friday if that's what the doctor thinks we should do. Started bawling. Currently holed up in my office, door closed.

JD is so depressed that he's barely functioning. He's going in for a kidney x-ray and an abdominal sonogram tomorrow to see if he's having a gall bladder attack. As for his foot surgery recovery, he's basically up and walking, for short periods of time. Otherwise, he's reading, watching TV or playing on the computer. He's whining and when he does speak, he's mumbling.

I have absolutely nothing to give him. Will he ever be healthy? Will he ever be able to be there for me? It just feels like everything was fine with him until we got married and now he's constantly breaking down physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, I really hate him. And utterly resent him. For everything. The infertility, the perversions, the inability to relate emotionally, the inability to keep a job, the inability/refusal to do anything housework-wise. I'm left to shoulder these burdens by myself.

I just spoke with BFF and she told me (as we've discussed many times) that JD will not change and cannot change. I either move on and try to have a family with someone else, or accept that JD will not and cannot be a man or any part of the man that I need and that that is the way it is.