Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Who Knows

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes calm, sometimes teary. Right now, I'm crying my eyes out.

My body is all over the place. Sometimes pg symptoms, sometimes pd symptoms, sometimes no symptoms. The only thing constant is the cramping, but even that is not constant.

I tried to research D&C today, so that I could go in with at least some knowledge of what to expect on Friday if that's what the doctor thinks we should do. Started bawling. Currently holed up in my office, door closed.

JD is so depressed that he's barely functioning. He's going in for a kidney x-ray and an abdominal sonogram tomorrow to see if he's having a gall bladder attack. As for his foot surgery recovery, he's basically up and walking, for short periods of time. Otherwise, he's reading, watching TV or playing on the computer. He's whining and when he does speak, he's mumbling.

I have absolutely nothing to give him. Will he ever be healthy? Will he ever be able to be there for me? It just feels like everything was fine with him until we got married and now he's constantly breaking down physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, I really hate him. And utterly resent him. For everything. The infertility, the perversions, the inability to relate emotionally, the inability to keep a job, the inability/refusal to do anything housework-wise. I'm left to shoulder these burdens by myself.

I just spoke with BFF and she told me (as we've discussed many times) that JD will not change and cannot change. I either move on and try to have a family with someone else, or accept that JD will not and cannot be a man or any part of the man that I need and that that is the way it is.

25 comments:

meandbaby said...

Holy crap I'm so sorry. To have to deal with a bad situation with JD as well as the beta hell - I cannot imagine. I'm hoping for you that things turn around very soon. Thinking of you.

Shinejil said...

Beta hell is a torture even with profound, loving support. But you're being asked to support him.

Though my situation was very different, when I decided to end my first marriage, it was because I realized I couldn't bear raising a child as well as a child in a man's body. That I just wouldn't be able to manage it. Not saying that my choice should be your choice, but that it's a very painful place to be, when you see that you can't change the man and he's never going to be able/willing to step up seriously.

Sending you all the love and comfort in the world.

Jen said...

This sucks. I hope something good happens for you soon.

Delenn said...

[Hugs]

~Jess said...

*HUGS* In all honesty, I don't know what to tell you (PG/not PG aside)it JD isn't giving you at least SOME support as you're going through this (all of his past history aside) and is only reacting to how he's feeling that sucks. I hate to tell anyone what to do in their relationships, but if he's not being there for you (physically, emotionally, mentally) then it may be time to move on, as hard as that is...to just give up and throw in the towel on someone you love *HUGS*

I'm thinking about you...

PJ said...

Hugs!!!

Kymberli said...

(((HUGS))) I wish that I had something better, something productive to say. But know that I am here for you and that you are in my prayers.

FunkyFrum said...

totally sucks. sorry

andhereweare said...

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I am thinking of you.

Jen said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. It is hard enough dealing with all of this, but to have DH problems on top of it all is tough. My only assvice, take it or leave it, is that is is true that people generally do not change and you either have to accept them or move on. You are most definitely in my thoughts.

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, Jendeis - my heart just hurts for you. What you are going through right now is so very hard - of course you are all over the place. Your BFF is right, of course, about your choices, but I know that knowing what your choices are about something this big don't make it any easier to pick one.

I am keeping you in my heart today, and wishing you peace and clarity and strength.

annacyclopedia said...

Um, I believe I owe you a correction - knowing your choices DOESN'T make it easier. Sheesh. I blame the thunderstorm looming outside my window for this momentary lapse in grammatical excellence for which I strive to be known.

satto said...

No words. Just ((((HUGS)))))

becomingwhole said...

((((hugs))))
I wish I could make it all go away for you

Liddy said...

Jen, my heart is just aching for you. I wish I could make it go all away. Know that I am thinking of you and sending lots of love to my IF sister.

Email me if you need anything.

HUGS!

Me said...

I'm sorry about the chemical. ((HUGS))

As for JD... well, I don't totally agree with your friend. My husband is still not a rockstar. Not all that I hoped and dreamed for in a husband. But he is miles and miles away from who he was a year ago at this time. I thought he was incapable of change. I was wrong. He just needed the proper motivation.

Fertilized said...

you are constantly on my thoughts! I am so sorry!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, this all just sounds so incredibly painful.

Parenthood For Me said...

I haven't been blogging much lately. I read all of your recent posts. I am so sorry for what you are going through, all of it. You are in my thoughts.

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry. I am just so sorry - this is all horrid and for you not to have your man be there for you has to be so, so hard.

I have been through three early losses - one from a DIUI - but I have never had to have a D&C. My sister just had one and she said that it was not painful, just a long process. She did not have bleeding for about 5 days after but she has been spotting since then - for about 4 days now.

Again, I am so sorry.

Jo said...

Jendeis, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like, although our situations are different, we are in a very similar place right now. Not knowing what the future holds is terrifying, especially when it seems like what we long for is so damn close we could grab it -- if only our significant other would make the effort.

*sigh* I'm thinking of you, and sending virtual hugs your way.

Jo

Leah said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Either one of these are hard enough to deal with, but trying to tackle them together is just impossible.

Here's my 2 cents worth on the JD thing. My ex-husband was a child who needed me to constantly take care of him, support him, and tell/show him what to do. It got old quickly when I realized it was never going to change. We are still friends, and I love him as I would another family member, but I definitely wasn't "in love" with him anymore. And that was no way to live. So we got divorced (thankfully before children entered the picture because that terribly complicates matters), and I now have a kick-ass husband who is a true partner in every sense of the word. It sucks that divorcee is part of my personal resume, but if I had to kiss that toad to meet my prince (although that's a stretch to call Kevin a prince, but you know what I mean), then so be it.

Listen to your heart (and your friends, and your therapist) and you will figure out what to do. But I implore you to think about what kind of partner and role model JD will be for you and your child(ren).

As for the D&C, I've had 3 of them. Physically they were never that difficult for me, but emotionally, they sucked. Although I was thankful to just have the ordeal over with and be able to move on with the healing.

Please email if you want to talk. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of warm hugs. xo

A Few Good Sperm said...

I'm sorry, as if you don't have enough to deal with. I hope things look up soon. :(

niobe said...

Thinking of you.

Shelby said...

Lots of hugs coming at you Jen! I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you (including take you out for a big, stiff drink when you're ready).

As for JD- it doesnt' sound like you're really happy. Unfortunately he won't change. Just keep in mind that we all want to see you happy, and the fact that he's making you miserable makes me want to go to your place, smack him in the head with something hard, and tell him to grow the fuck up.

Best of luck at your appt tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you all day.