27 Weeks

Just wanted to update on some stuff, so this post will be all over the place.

So, last week I thought I was having preterm labor, but it turns out that I was just on the toilet for so long that my digestive system started cramping.  I'm figuring (from the soreness) that I did the equivalent of 13 million situps, so you know, it's all good.

My mom and BFF have been helping me declutter my house most weekends and we've really been accomplishing a lot.  No before pictures, just imagine Theo Huxtable's room when he was in junior high.  I now have access to a sliding glass door that had been blocked with stuff, and we can now see carpet in the bedrooms!  We threw out a ton of stuff and were able to donate many huge bags of clothing and household items to Goodwill.  Mom and BFF each deserve gold stars!

Work has been really stressful lately, as I try to complete Mission Impossible.  Today I just completely broke down in tears and it was hard for me to calm down.  I think that I have been trying to do too much all by myself, and I really needed to ask for help earlier.  I now have some more help on the project and my boss was able to relax on the deadline when he realized just how much work this mission comprises.

I gained 6 pounds from Month 5 to Month 6, and my doc really wanted me to make sure that I not gain as much in subsequent months.  I've been trying to be really conscious of my food choices and increase my activity level, and I think I've only gained 2 lbs this month!  Hopefully, I can keep making good choices the rest of the pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday!  Yay her!  We got her an awesome gift, if I do say so myself; I just hope that it arrives on time.  :)

Keyser Snowsze

The title was my favorite name in the running for the current snowstorms.  I think it was beaten out by Snowpacolypse or Snowmageddon, but I like the goth feel of Keyser Snowsze.
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I'm in my office today for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was really nice to have a break, but I had to get out of the house to get away from JD (who is still home from work).

We got a little over 29 inches by us, which I (90% me, 10% JD) shoveled off of my car and parking spot pretty quickly.  I went out for about 30 minutes on Saturday and then did another 45 minutes on Sunday and I was done!  I was motivated for bagels and also because BFF's dog had surgery last Thursday and was not doing well.  (She is since doing better - major thanks to SIL who thought to have us give the dog some Pepcid!).

JD did 5 minutes of shovelling on his own car (he wouldn't let me do anything).  So far, you can see the back of his car, but cannot get into the car.  (Apparently, bagels are not motivating factor for JD).  This car, currently encased in 29" of snow, is about to get another 20" thrown at it.  We may see JD's car moving again around April.
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This 2ww really hasn't been all that bad, basically because I think it's not gonna work.  Right now, I'm just going through the motions of the wait and waiting for my period/negative beta so we can get to another cycle and then hopefully, one that will work.

I am really dizzy right now.  The reason for this is:

A) I'm pregnant. (Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Excuse me while I die laughing)
B) My body is fucking with me.
C) Differentials in air pressure in my office.
D) Not enough caffeine in the hot chocolate this morning.
E) Any of or a combination thereof of B, C and/or D, but certainly not A.
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My unfulfilled due date is coming up soon - Saturday, to be exact.  I've been feeling pretty down about it, but I'm trying to hide it from JD.  If I remind him of it, he'll go all Sarah Bernhardt on me and I just can't deal with his DRAMA right now.

BFF and I came up with a plan to light candles for Shabbat on Friday night and to use that ritual internally as a memorial.
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Since I worked on MLK Day, I get to take off for President's Day.  Getting inspiration from Mel, JD and I will be spending the 3-day weekend in Hershey, PA (assuming Keyser Snowsze doesn't blow it for us).  I will hopefully be getting a chocolate massage, going to a chocolate brunch and will definitely be going to a hockey game on Valentine's Day.  Yay, chocolate!

Rainbow Connection

A bunch of items, none of them long enough for a single post...

-There's a rainbow on my living room ceiling.  The rainbow is cast from a glass sculpture that JD and I purchased on our honeymoon.  I know that rainbows are just scientific phenomena, but they always give me hope.  I wish that this rainbow would be a sign for me.

-JD started a new job last week.  The commute is much better and we hope it will be a good fit for him.  JD's biggest complaint is that he has to wear a tie most days.  As a programmer, he usually was not expected to be dressed so formally.  I think he looks sexy, told him so, and he replied, "You think dumb looks sexy."  When I related this to BFF, she said that I should have told him, "Yes, well that's why I'm married to you."  :)

-This weekend, BFF and I went on a girls' weekend with my sister and her best friend, my mother and my grandmother.  We drove out to the beach and had a great weekend despite the snow.  We laughed ourselves silly.

-While driving out to the beach on Friday night, I received a call from my Fairy Godmother's daughter.  My Fairy Godmother passed on Thursday.  Mary's death was as I would have wished it -- peaceful and surrounded by her children and the love that we all have for her.  There are times when I feel her presence.  She must be looking over my shoulder and watching.

-I'm going in for the first procedure of Cycle Six now.  New motto: "Cycle Six: It's More Than Five, But At Least It's an Even Number!"  I'm usually pretty good about maintaining zen for the first week.  It's in the second week of the wait that the Hope-o-Meter goes all over the place.

-I'm looking for a good shampoo and conditioner.  I have really thick, coarse hair that paradoxically is oily yet feels like straw.  Any suggestions?

Support

Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the last few days.  This negative was tremendously disappointing, given all of the symptoms I had been experiencing and the fact that I was not on Prometrium to give me false hope.

When I got my period on Friday, it was the full flow, there was no mistaking this for implantation spotting, and that has continued over the past few days.  It's obviously the real deal.

My nurse was wonderful and suggested that I have a follow-up appointment with my RE, in order to decide what's next.  In the meantime, we'll do another natural cycle.  I'm concerned about what the next step might be.  If it's IVF, I've got a ton of weight to lose in order to get down to my clinic's limits.  My nurse suggested we might do stimulated IUIs though, and I'm at the right weight for that.

Inspired by Mel and some of the other bloggers, I went and ordered the Wii and the Wii Fit Plus on Amazon.  The Wii came last week, and I'm hoping to receive the Fit part today (right in time for me to go away on a business trip early tomorrow).

I'm hoping to increase my activity (from zero to something) and I'm working with a fertility nutritionist on my food plan.  More on that soon.
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This weekend, I went out with family and BFF, got my hair done, and laughed myself silly at a TOOTPU brunch.  I also prepared to send out almost over $9,000 in claims to my insurance for stuff for which I paid out-of-pocket.  Here's hoping!

Fullness, Resolve and Hot Air Balloons

We stood in our new house and knew that this was the home we would raise our family in. The stars had finally aligned and the time was finally right to add a little one to our family. We were, at long last, both ready. And, this house felt right. It even had the most perfect little nursery. In fact, from the moment we laid eyes on that room, we knew that it was meant to be our baby's room. It wouldn't be long until that cozy, beautiful, joyous room was filled with the cries and laughter of baby.

Month after month, the room lost more and more of its beauty, its joy, the coziness that a baby would have brought. Instead, it slowly became cold, empty and taunting. We stopped calling it "the nursery" and referred to it as "the purple room." We decided that it might be less painful if it were less empty, so we started storing some things that that might otherwise have found their way to the attic. That made it less empty, but nothing more. It still silently taunted us.
On the day that we got the toughest news of our journey so far, I decided that it was time to take a stand. I could no longer take the silent taunting. There was that voice from somewhere in my head, that the nursery seemed to symbolize, that said we wouldn't be parents and this would never be a nursery. It was time to find a symbol of my own. I would, in my own quieter way, stand on the rooftops and proclaim to the Heavens that this would still, one day, someday soon, be a nursery.

My next act required nothing less than the effort of climbing to the rooftop...a trip to the children's department at Ikea....to buy a crib mobile. There were many things about this that seemed crazy. How weird it is to buy a crib mobile for a room without a baby, much less a crib.

And yet, this symbolic act, on this toughest day, was so powerful for me. I chocked back tears as I walked through the cribs, stuffed animals, changing tables and high chairs. But, I got all the way to the checkout line and then all the way home without tears, without a breakdown. It was all so raw, in the wake of our first bad news, that I had yet to be able to cry. I had yet to mourn the loss of our chance at a natural conception.

I got home and was grateful to find that I had the house to myself. I paused at the door to the nursery, mobile in hand, and took a shielding breath. I didn't bother doing anything special to hang it. Why did it matter where it hung if there was no crib to hang it over? I found a random nail the old owner's had left in the wall and hung in there.

As soon as it was hung, I fell in a heap on the floor and cried. For the first time, I cried about the emptiness, the stillness, the left-behind feeling, the loss of "conception by romantic evening," and, mostly, the unknown. I sobbed. And then, when I had cried all I could cry, there was nothing left but resolve. I said, aloud to this empty room--to the baby that will someday, somehow call it home--that we would not give up until our baby, from whatever path was necessary, found its way here.



The nursery still serves as a halfway point to the attic, rather than a haven for baby. It is still absent the sounds of babies' laughter or tears. But, it taunts me less than before. Mot days, it's less of a cruel reminder and more of a source of determination. Most days, I smile at the dreams my mobile represents, rather than cry at the empty room. This lone baby item, my hot air balloon crib mobile, is a silent reminder of what will be. In many ways, that room is filled will our hopes and dreams and everything we want for our family.

As it turns out, our nursery isn't quite as empty as it once seemed.
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This post is brought to you by Geohde's Great Cross-Pollination. Can you guess the author? You can find my Cross-Pollination post for today at Lin's blog, Our Someday Family.

Bless the Brown Cows of the Desert That Give Us Hot Chocolate Milk

I had a Venti (read: horse trough) Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream from Starbucks.


It was the best fucking hot chocolate that ever was.


Amen.
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No ill effects from that part of Un-detox (Retox?) Day #1, but then I ate cheese and it was like the Yokohama Bullet Train.(*)(**) So, I'll be continuing the good decision made a year ago to only partake of cheese in rare circumstances.


For lunch, I had chicken and mashed potatoes and creamed spinach (I heart Boston Market). The mashed potatoes were OK, but the creamed spinach was an explosion of love and joy that I haven't experienced since the last episode of Glee.


I'm planning to refrain from dairy the rest of the day, though, so that I can sort of act like I was un-detoxing with moderation whatever that is.
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*Is there a bullet train to/from Yokohama?


**Please excuse my nastiness. I was born in a barn -- New Jersey.(***)


***Again, please excuse my insulting demeanor. I'm sure New Jersey is fine, really. No, really. They've got Bon Jovi doing their ad campaign, it can't be all bad.(****)


****Does my state even have an ad campaign? I mean, my real state, not the Shmomonwealth of Shmurshminia. I'm going with the absolutely no-evidence-basis, uneducated guess answer of: No - my state doesn't have an ad campaign. We don't need one. People know how awesome we are without Bon Jovi or Arnold. We have our own state cake! We have many malling options. Goldie Hawn is from here. Plus, our most well-known state song is about our lottery.(*****) Deal with it, people. You wish your state was that awesome. "It could be." If you lived here.


*****Five bucks says that Mel and Lindsay are currently humming our song.
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Um, I think the sugar (or the manic chapter of the depressive episode, take your pick) kicked in somewhere around Bon Jovi.

Food, Folks, Fun, Fearsome Anger, Fehr Scores, Furniture Care

I hope that everyone in the US had a happy Thanksgiving, or at the very least, you've survived the long weekend. To everyone else around the globe, hope you had a nice weekend!

Our Thanksgiving was pretty good. We spend odd years with my family, so of course, that's always great. I successfully stayed on detox diet, but it really sucked to not eat stuffing or the four million desserts that were served.

For Thanksgiving, I had:
-Turkey (expertly made by my mom)
-Salad
-Butternut Squash Soup (also made by my mom, which I thought was awesome and everyone else thought demonstrated how long it's been since I had good food)
-Quinoa with Dried Fruits & Nuts (made by me)
-Butternut Squash Brown Rice Pasta Bake (made by me, not successful, will not be repeating)
-Baked Apples with Oats & Almonds (made by BFF, so I had my own dessert, yay!)

I did prevail upon my mom to give my containers of stuffing, green bean casserole and the pumpkin bread made by the Princess (my brother's wife), all of which are residing in my freezer awaiting post-detox feasting.
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On Friday, BFF and I finally made it to the tailor's, to get a bunch of stuff altered (hems, zippers, what have you). We then got lunch and braved the mob at DSW to get some shoes. Then, we just hung out at her house. We always have such a great time together and it was nice to just chill.
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Saturday, SIL and her family came over to use our pool. Then, we all met up with JD's parents to have lunch and celebrate SIL's birthday. My in-laws have now successfully ruined another one of my favorite restaurants. All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. Nothing is ever right. I love them, but sometimes they really suck. Then, we had to sit at the mall's play area with them and four million little kids and babies to watch my nephews frolic in the chaos. It was not fun.

The night improved though, because we had Chinese food and I watched Eric Fehr (whom I met at Hockey 'n' Heels) score a goal 10 seconds before the end of the third period, helping the Caps win in an overtime shootout against Montreal. Yay!
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Sunday was spent in lounging around, picking price stickers off our china, washing our china, putting away our china (one day my house will be clean and organized; I hope) and watching TV. Oh, and we had Thai for dinner.

The Usual

Nothing really exciting going on around here, so I haven't been posting. Here's what I've been doing the past couple of days.

On Sunday, I went to Mel's reading at a local bookstore and got to see some TOOTPU (The Order of the Plastic Uterus, that is, DC area infertiles) gals there and meet Mel's husband, Josh. It's nice to have a face to go with all the stories of the guy who patiently handles Mel's 11 PM anxieties. :)

Monday and Tuesday, I was at an industry conference on leadership training and strategic decision making. A new season of The Biggest Loser was taping at the same hotel. We were just sitting around eating lunch and seeing people with walkie-talkies pass by every couple seconds, then a big bunch of people wearing the show's t-shirts walked in and we finally got it. I didn't get to see Bob or Jillian, but a couple other people did.

Last night, I went over to BFF's house where she made me a fabulous dinner (including cupcakes!) and coffee in exchange for building her Ikea furniture. Not only am I an attorney, I'm also a semi-professional Ikea construction contractor.

Tonight, TOOTPU is gathering for ice cream to see Murgdan while she's on her DC vacation! So excited!

Holiday Weekend

The weekend was fine overall. Some of the highlights/notables follow:

-I'm not a huge fan of driving over bridges. I have this fear that I will go crazy and drive off the side of the bridge. Yes, I'm crazy. Anyways, based on where we went through the E-Z Pass lane, I had to drive on the one lane of the westbound bridge that was going eastbound. AAAHHH! I was pretty nervous, but doing OK with my breathing exercises and JD saying, "You're OK. You're OK. You're OK." Well, I was OK until my eyes started tearing up, I got sunscreen in my eyes and was blinded. I started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!" JD grabbed the wheel and ripped off his shirt so that I could use it to wipe my eyes. Thank G-D he was there. I would've crashed into oncoming traffic or off the bridge otherwise.

-About 15 minutes after the bridge fiasco, The Boy goes crazy and starts running all over the car. JD and I are both "What the heck?!" The Boy jumps onto my lap and, as JD pulls him back over to his own lap, The Boy proceeds to poop on my left leg, the steering wheel, my right leg, the gear shift and JD's legs. Ew. Ewww. Ewwwww!!!! We were able to stop at a gas station a couple of miles down the road and clean up the car and ourselves.

-Dr. Chai was content to let me stay off the drugs while I felt that I was responding rationally and this weekend was really my test of that. Big FAIL. I was so filled with anxiety on Thursday that my mother said that she could actually see me shaking with stress. I felt like I was vibrating. After bursting into tears on Friday morning because my open suitcase had spilled out onto the floor (I thought it was closed when I moved it), I decided, along with the counsel of family and BFF, to get back on the drugs. The suitcase incident was followed by worry that BFF's boyfriend didn't like me because there weren't enough beds at the beach place and an incident with my mother because I felt that she liked everyone else better than me. It's not all in my head; what I mean is, there are actual examples I can point to, to show why I start thinking in a certain way, it's just that my head misinterprets and misjudges and just makes everything worse. My mother and I have talked about it and I feel better now. I am back on the drugs now and hoping for "normal" reactions soon.

-We had lots of wonderful things to eat all weekend. I read a lot. We got to see real fireworks! Not the lame-o ones that JD, wannabe pyro, sets off at inappropriately late hours, angering the neighbors, but a government-sponsored fireworks display! Yay!

-I don't feel like I was able to relax enough, but am hoping to do so soon.

Weekly Update

Well, that's what this is turning into -- the once-a-week apology for not posting and the update on my life. Work and life have been spinning me around like a record (baby, right round, round, round).

-My friend is home and the complications continue (the new episode features DVTs [deep vein thrombosis - a blood clot in the leg {what David Bloom died from}] and a rash and swelling [from one of the drugs]). But at least she's home with her family. I've spoken with her a couple times and she sounds better each time. She tells me that she is in less pain and that her hearing is improving. She does have some memory loss, which she finds very inconvenient. It is frustrating that she has to go through so much to get better from this freak accident.

-The appointment with the RE went very well. He's totally on board with dIUI and covered the process and our protocol. John Dear was up and participating and very engaged in the discussion, asking several pertinent questions. I was really happy with him and told him so as we left the doctor's office.

-In terms of choosing a donor, JD and I have had a couple of conversations regarding what our must-haves, would-likes and must-not-haves are. I'm going through the initial search and will present a small group to JD for us both to go through. Being the incredibly anal lawyer that I am, I'm making a spreadsheet for ease of comparison. JD and I will go through it this week.

-JD and I met with the fertility clinic's social worker on Friday and it went really well. Again, JD was up and engaged and talking a mile a minute. The social worker mentioned several times how impressed she was with us and that we had overcome a lot of problems and had really covered possible issues with donor sperm and that we were ready to proceed.

-Once we've got a donor picked, we'll be ready to start at the next cycle!!

-In other health news, JD may need to undergo another surgery on his foot. The physical therapist (who's been a real help lately) has mentioned that JD's currently high degree of pain might be irritation from the three surgical screws in JD's foot. Now that enough time has passed and the bone has fully healed (used to be three bones, but is now one SUPERBONE), the screws could be removed. I hope that this surgery (if that's what the doctor decides to do) will alleviate JD's pain and will be less traumatic than the original surgery. I don't know if we can live through something as bad as the first one without beatings divorce murder MIL moving in. Course, if MIL moves in, all the previous options might still be on the table. ;)

Typing at A Mile a Minute

Thank you to so many who sent their prayers and good wishes out for my friend. We found out on Saturday that she was awake, breathing on her own and talking a mile a minute. Thank G-D.

She is still in the hospital as they are concerned about some swelling in her brain and she still cannot hear out of her right ear.

Right now, we're praying for a speedy and full recovery so that she can come home soon.
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John Dear and I had a nice time at our families' seders for Pesach. We've been pretty observant in our own house and had a fun time at KosherMart yesterday, finding kosher for pesach vegetable oil (yes!).

Our joint therapy session yesterday really focused on JD -- how he was feeling about being a father, using donor sperm, his depression, the job search, etc. I think it was a good conversation. Our relationship has been going really well lately, and I'm glad that something seems to be settled for now.
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I am just waiting for JD to pick me up so that we can head over to our appointment with the Doctor to set up our dIUI cycle. OMG, it's really happening! We haven't picked a donor yet, so I'd like to get on that. JD is kind of being passive about everything, and I'd like to not push him, but come on, things need to be decided.

I talked yesterday at therapy that I'd like to narrow down our choices to a small group, then order the info packets on those donors so that we can then pick the one we want. I'm also interested at looking into the photo-matching option that the bank has (they take a photo of JD and look at your choices and pick the one that goes best with JD).
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Never did my Sock It To Me post because I was overwhelmed with work and Pesach stuff. Let's leave it at I LUUUUUUUVVVVE my new socks from KateDaphne at Sadness/Euphoria and I love all the wonderful people that I've met in the blogosphere. Hugs to all of you!

Must run.

Prayer

I just learned some terrible news. My coworker, my mentor, my friend, was on vacation with her family this week. Last night, while at dinner with her husband, my friend tripped over a chair and hit her head against the concrete sidewalk. She is currently unconscious and on a respirator. Please send prayers and good thoughts for a speedy recovery into the universe.

Under Threat of Violence

BFF is quite ticked with me as I have not been updating regularly. Apparently, her position as one of Liberty's Champions (she's a lawyer too) requires that she read my updated blog constantly.

Nothing happening here and that's really all the news. Nothing is happening. I'm

1. Still alive
2. Still in my depression
3. Still trying to lose weight
4. Still trying to decide between IVF with John Dear's sperm and an IUI with donor sperm
5. (and therefore) Still no baby
6. Still uncertain about my marriage (giving some explanation to #2, but giving confusion to #4 and #5)
7. (which is mostly unrelated to) Still having an unemployed husband in a terrible economy.

Boo hoo, woe is me. How do I blow raspberries at myself?

Smooth Jazz and Choose Your Own Adventure

Oh, yeah (must be said in the Kool Aid guy's voice).

Within 5 minutes of my sending a Friend request (it turned out that I hadn't done it the first time), HS boyfriend accepted my request AND sent me a note. Man, is he desperate. (j/k).

I still got it. (blows on fingers and rubs them on shirt).

Hips swivelling a little more this morning.

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If I was an actual writer, this post would now go into an articulate and poignant essay on how Facebook and similar sites draw you back into the past and ask the question, "can you ever really go home again?" Unfortunately, I am not an actual writer, so you're going to get an inarticulate and rambling essay.

The problem is that as quickly as you are drawn back into your past self, you really can't go back there. Not while you're still in the here and now.

I often wonder if I could go back and change my actions/words, would I? I think my life would have ended up differently. I would not be the person that I am today. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. It's not about regrets, for me, these questions are more about what if?

Except, when would I go back, what would I change? Something big? What if I went through life as a thin person? That's major. What if John Dear and I had broken up when we had first started going out and he revealed some definite breakup-caliber things, or later, when he almost called off the wedding?

Yet, everything affects everything else. Who talked about the butterfly effect? It could be something as trivial as missing a train, like in that Gwyneth Paltrow movie.

It was so much easier with those Choose Your Own Adventure books. No decision was final because I could hold my place, see what happened and if I didn't like it, just choose the opposite path. I guess what I'd love is a save and restart option on this life of mine.

Mea Culpa (Maybe)

Gave into the Facebook demons and added High School Boyfriend as a Friend. I think.

Facebook help needed! Is there a way to keep track of who I've added prior to them accepting me? Cause that way, I can really keep track of the rejections. Also, cause I think I clicked on "Add a Friend" but then the person keep showing up in the sidebar as "You May Know this Person."

I used to get stuff done at work, you know. (Stop laughing).

Other Voices

It's extremely difficult for me to articulate my thoughts regarding the "situation" in Israel these days. My friend, Shtetl Fabulous, wrote a post on this topic earlier, and I'd like to use her words to describe how I feel:

Just as I love America, despite her faults, I love Israel in the same way. Enthusiastically and unconditionally, but still with a few questions. And maybe that's why when times are tough in Israel, I will defend her to our enemies but will shrink from the front lines of rhetorical battle. Besides, healthy criticism is much easier when the rockets aren't raining down on you.

I find myself turning to the prayer that our congregation chants aloud during Rosh Hashanah services every year. This "Prayer for Our Country" often moves me to tears, especially when hearing everyone speak the last few lines. (H/t to Margalit for the quote and her wise post, prayer from Siddur Sim Shalom for Shabbat and Festivals.)

Our God and God of our ancestors: We ask Your blessings for our country — for its government, for its leaders and advisers, and for all who exercise just and rightful authority. Teach them insights from Your Torah, that they may administer all affairs of state fairly, that peace and security, happiness and prosperity, justice and freedom may forever abide in our midst.

Creator of all flesh, bless all the inhabitants of our country with Your spirit. May citizens of all races and creeds forge a common bond in true harmony, to banish hatred and bigotry, and to safeguard the ideals and free institutions that are the pride and glory of our country.

May this land, under your providence, be an influence for good throughout the world, uniting all people in peace and freedom — helping them to fulfill the vision of your prophet: ‘Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they experience war any more’ (Isaiah 2:4). And let us say: Amen.

Round One

Summary: Jendeis is an utter loser. She is aware of this fact.

Facebook pulled up high school boyfriend and asked if I wanted to Friend him. I'm not doing anything unless he tries to Friend me or slips me a note in study hall that looks like this:

Otherwise, am setting myself up for rejection and I went through that the first time around.

At least I got to see his picture. I'm pretty sure I've won this round (aka Who Has Better Hair?). Though the more I consider his hair in the picture, I can't decide whether it's improved from high school or not. Mission Impossible: must find a solo picture of myself where I (1) don't look deranged, and (2) definitely resemble attractive non-deranged movie star.*

In the absence of those pictures so far, have posted interesting pic from my wedding as was clearly last time I looked non-deranged, though was on heavy drugs at the time, so maybe drugs are the answer for my non-deranged look.

*Assuming there are any attractive non-deranged movie stars left.

Belly Up to the Bar

Those who know me in IRL are often in situations where I am the victim of my inner ear's complete inability to maintain balance (i.e., I get motion sick. And nauseated. A lot. A lotta lot).

Apparently, my body has chosen to view the sites of my fair city by vomiting at all the major (and some not-so-major) tourist attractions. See (non-inclusive list) Airport, Dulles International; Airport, Washington National; Capitol Building, House Side; Capitol Building, Rotunda; National Archives; National Gallery of Art, East Building; National Gallery of Art, West Building; Rayburn House Office Building; University, George Washington; University, Georgetown; Verizon Center; Washington Monument, The; White House, The. Well, today we can add the United States Supreme Court to the list.

BFF got sworn in to the Supreme Court bar today (presumably to litigate my appeals when I finally kill someone). In order for this to happen, bar applicants (and their guests) must show up at the court between oh dark thirty and WTF-o'clock. So, the still dark and really freakin' cold morning found me putting on my suit, taking the Metro (where I saw a guy I went to law school with who completely did not see me) to BFF's stop, walking over to her apartment, taking a cab to the court, finding the attorney's entrance (yes, we're special), going through security, sitting around, then throwing up in the marble-tiled and quite echoey bathroom. Tried to hold it in for the oral arguments (I coulda been on the news!), but couldn't make it.

I wound up calling John Dear just before we had to file into the courtroom so that he could pick me up. There was no way I'd be able to last on Metro. ONE HOUR IN THE 29 DEGREE COLD LATER, I walk 6 blocks to the train station for him to pick me up. Have I mentioned that JD is completely unable to handle directions, traffic and geography?

To sum up: I'm incredibly proud of BFF, I'm getting JD a GPS for his car, and no, I don't have frostbite.

Please excuse my utter inarticulateness tonight. Will do better tomorrow.

Cross Pollination

Due to technical difficulties, my honored guest author was not able to send me her post until now, so without further ado...

A Guest Entry Brought to You by the Great Blog Cross-Pollination!!

I was not always a slob. That happened quite by accident. Completely unintentional. In fact I used to be quite the Nike advert. When I was younger A few years ago I used get up before sparrows fart, fumble in the dark to get dressed in my running togs and I used to set out before the sun smiled for the day. I used to meet up with other crazy assed like minded people and we used to stretch and get ready for our morning run. We would set off like a gaggle of geese all talking and loosening up our muscles while finding our rythym.

Then the stronger runners would pull ahead of me and I would find myself lagging behind with the not so strong runners. I would hang out at the back of the pack with the old guys and the newbie runners. Cos that is where I was comfortable.

Then I got ITB (itibial band syndrome) for the first time. I was told to rest it for five months then get back to running. I rested it for five months and went back to the group I used to run with. Now instead of being able to hang with the old guys and newbies I found myself being left in the dust of even my back of the pack mates. I was completely not fit enoguht to run with this group anymore. I got completely left behind cos while I was resting my ITB getting better, my back of the pack mates were getting fitter and running harder and realising their dreams of becoming one of the super strong.

I was gutted and too embarrassed to go back – I stopped running. In many ways I feel like my infertility is similar to my running history.

When I first started trying to have a baby with my husband, we were the first couple of our group to tred on this ground. I started temping and peeing on OPK’s to track ovulation *laugh ass off here – right ovulation in the worst PCOS case I’ve ever heard of* and we had sex. Lots of it. We were really good at it. We enjoyed it. We did not conceive. Then came lots of tests for both of us. Clomid. Gonal F. IUI’s both failed and cancelled. Very little sex . Herbal remedies. Acupuncture. Reflexology. Reiki. IVF. Very little sex.

I feel like our infertility is a lot like my ITB. While we’ve been “off tending to our injury” every single one of our friends who were around at the start of our trying to have a baby journey has achieved the holy grail of parenthood. Some of them twice over. They’ve got stronger and have become one of the elite.

And we’re still at the back of the group – eating their dust.

While I’m in no way prepared to give up trying to have a family like I gave up running, I do find myself considering it at times when I feel glum. Why not just give this up? Find something else to do with my life? Focus on oversea’s holidays and get a nice hobby. Spend money on something other than ART…

Then I look into the distance and I see the group and the fun they’re having. The joy and the rush they get out of running the race. And I know. I know that my race is no where near over.

I will cross that finish line. I will find a way to become one of the elite.

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Not Dead Yet

This day, this past week, has been a tough one. Thank you so much for all your support and concern and love. It just means so much to me.

Just in case I start to scare you with what I'm going to write, I'll put the ending first. I'm alive, I'm not hurt, I have an appointment with Dr. Chai in the morning to discuss increased meds vs. different meds and her overall plan for me right now.

I tried to go to my mikvah appointment today, but just couldn't get there. I talked to John Dear, but wasn't really able to resolve anything. I told him that I was going to cancel the mikvah appointment and that I would call Dr. Chai (my psychiatrist for those just tuning in). I wound up stopping in a parking lot, hysterically sobbing and tried to call her. I listened to her voice mail, but just couldn't leave a message. So, I tried my mother and my brother, but was not able to reach them. I couldn't face talking to my father. I know that he would be there for me, but I was just too overwhelmed at the time.

I couldn't see going home (too afraid of running off the road (I drive over a big bridge in between work and home) or rear ending somebody), and I just couldn't be around JD at the time, so I drove myself back to work. A shaky drive, wondering exactly how I was going to get through this day, my life, would going to an ER or a psychiatric ward help, and worrying that my mental issues would stand in the way of anyone letting me have children; anyways, I made it back to work in one piece.

At work, I was able to speak with both my brother and my mentor. John Dear checked in with me periodically. I spoke to my mother at about 4:30 PM. She was finally able to get me to call Dr. Chai and leave a message.

Dr. Chai called me back very quickly and, after ascertaining that though I was having thoughts of death, I was not making plans or taking action to kill myself, scheduled me for an appointment early tomorrow morning.

I have not spoken to Fairy Godmother (my therapist) yet, but imagine that I'll talk to her tomorrow as well.


The Realization
In talking with my brother, I had an AHA moment. In the past, I always used food as my drug of choice. I was so sad and in so much pain, I just felt too much. I wanted to feel nothing, so I used food to numb myself.

Well, I've stopped doing that, so I really have lost a major coping mechanism. Now that the world is too much with me again, I've been having a much harder time of dealing. This is something I'll be speaking with Dr. Chai and Fairy Godmother about tomorrow.