Monday, November 3, 2008

Not Dead Yet

This day, this past week, has been a tough one. Thank you so much for all your support and concern and love. It just means so much to me.

Just in case I start to scare you with what I'm going to write, I'll put the ending first. I'm alive, I'm not hurt, I have an appointment with Dr. Chai in the morning to discuss increased meds vs. different meds and her overall plan for me right now.

I tried to go to my mikvah appointment today, but just couldn't get there. I talked to John Dear, but wasn't really able to resolve anything. I told him that I was going to cancel the mikvah appointment and that I would call Dr. Chai (my psychiatrist for those just tuning in). I wound up stopping in a parking lot, hysterically sobbing and tried to call her. I listened to her voice mail, but just couldn't leave a message. So, I tried my mother and my brother, but was not able to reach them. I couldn't face talking to my father. I know that he would be there for me, but I was just too overwhelmed at the time.

I couldn't see going home (too afraid of running off the road (I drive over a big bridge in between work and home) or rear ending somebody), and I just couldn't be around JD at the time, so I drove myself back to work. A shaky drive, wondering exactly how I was going to get through this day, my life, would going to an ER or a psychiatric ward help, and worrying that my mental issues would stand in the way of anyone letting me have children; anyways, I made it back to work in one piece.

At work, I was able to speak with both my brother and my mentor. John Dear checked in with me periodically. I spoke to my mother at about 4:30 PM. She was finally able to get me to call Dr. Chai and leave a message.

Dr. Chai called me back very quickly and, after ascertaining that though I was having thoughts of death, I was not making plans or taking action to kill myself, scheduled me for an appointment early tomorrow morning.

I have not spoken to Fairy Godmother (my therapist) yet, but imagine that I'll talk to her tomorrow as well.


The Realization
In talking with my brother, I had an AHA moment. In the past, I always used food as my drug of choice. I was so sad and in so much pain, I just felt too much. I wanted to feel nothing, so I used food to numb myself.

Well, I've stopped doing that, so I really have lost a major coping mechanism. Now that the world is too much with me again, I've been having a much harder time of dealing. This is something I'll be speaking with Dr. Chai and Fairy Godmother about tomorrow.

17 comments:

kirke said...

I'm so glad to hear you are alright, and so sorry to hear that you had such a hard day.

It's difficult when our coping mechanisms are stripped of us. Sometimes I just crave a cigerette. A signal that the end of the day is here...

I will be thinking of you and sending prayers and positive thoughts.

Jen said...

I am sending you lots of love.

bendingbackwards said...

Sending you a hug and lots of love!

Wishing you easier days.

Fertilized said...

Jendies.I am late reading and I just wanted to send you my love.

theclam said...

Jen, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you loads of love and hugs!

xxx

annacyclopedia said...

This is a very good aha moment you had. Having had similar realizations in the past, I find they often precede a major shift in a healing direction. Although shifts like that are almost always painful and turbulent and difficult, they are a move towards greater peace and understanding (for me - just apply that disclaimer to everything I write.) So I will be thinking of you today and keeping you in my prayers that it is the same for you.

When we change something we've done for our entire lives to cope with emotions, it is very hard to know what to do with those emotions without whatever filter we've been using. But I know you can do this, Jen - you will find a way to handle those feelings in a new way that is healthier for you and does not overwhelm you. Even just seeing the connection between the feelings and the coping mechanism can shed huge light into the dark corners and help the panic to dissipate.

Much love, huge hugs, and wishing you peace, as always.

Io said...

Oh Jen. I hope your appointment with Dr Chai today is good. You are too awesome of a person and I don't want you to feel so much pain. If I could take some of your burden I would.
xo

Leah said...

Sending you love and support. Loads of it.

Chelle said...

I know what it feels like to have a major "outlet" taken away. I hope that your appointment goes well, and I am glad you are okay.

Sending you a million hugs.

Meghan said...

Sending you lots of love. And you know if you ever need anything, I work about 5 minutes away from your work and live super close too. If you ever need anything at all, please don't hestitate

Me said...

In the past I have used a variety of... ahem, things ... to aid me in coping with a painful reality. The last few years have been rough as I've been learning to cope all by my lonesome. It's a hard road and I empathize with you completely.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm glad to hear you are alive. Sending you a BIG HUG!

Shelby said...

Glad you're working through this. I am here for you, friend. Sending lots of hugs.

Bean said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending love and hugs.

~Jess said...

I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time: I am glad that you're all right though. Hopefully thinks will look up.

Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way!

Jen said...

Lots of (((Hugs))) my dear. You will make it through this!

JJ said...

Just wanted you to know Im sending you lots of prayers and hugs...xoxox