Not Dead Yet

This day, this past week, has been a tough one. Thank you so much for all your support and concern and love. It just means so much to me.

Just in case I start to scare you with what I'm going to write, I'll put the ending first. I'm alive, I'm not hurt, I have an appointment with Dr. Chai in the morning to discuss increased meds vs. different meds and her overall plan for me right now.

I tried to go to my mikvah appointment today, but just couldn't get there. I talked to John Dear, but wasn't really able to resolve anything. I told him that I was going to cancel the mikvah appointment and that I would call Dr. Chai (my psychiatrist for those just tuning in). I wound up stopping in a parking lot, hysterically sobbing and tried to call her. I listened to her voice mail, but just couldn't leave a message. So, I tried my mother and my brother, but was not able to reach them. I couldn't face talking to my father. I know that he would be there for me, but I was just too overwhelmed at the time.

I couldn't see going home (too afraid of running off the road (I drive over a big bridge in between work and home) or rear ending somebody), and I just couldn't be around JD at the time, so I drove myself back to work. A shaky drive, wondering exactly how I was going to get through this day, my life, would going to an ER or a psychiatric ward help, and worrying that my mental issues would stand in the way of anyone letting me have children; anyways, I made it back to work in one piece.

At work, I was able to speak with both my brother and my mentor. John Dear checked in with me periodically. I spoke to my mother at about 4:30 PM. She was finally able to get me to call Dr. Chai and leave a message.

Dr. Chai called me back very quickly and, after ascertaining that though I was having thoughts of death, I was not making plans or taking action to kill myself, scheduled me for an appointment early tomorrow morning.

I have not spoken to Fairy Godmother (my therapist) yet, but imagine that I'll talk to her tomorrow as well.


The Realization
In talking with my brother, I had an AHA moment. In the past, I always used food as my drug of choice. I was so sad and in so much pain, I just felt too much. I wanted to feel nothing, so I used food to numb myself.

Well, I've stopped doing that, so I really have lost a major coping mechanism. Now that the world is too much with me again, I've been having a much harder time of dealing. This is something I'll be speaking with Dr. Chai and Fairy Godmother about tomorrow.