Keyser Snowsze

The title was my favorite name in the running for the current snowstorms.  I think it was beaten out by Snowpacolypse or Snowmageddon, but I like the goth feel of Keyser Snowsze.
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I'm in my office today for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was really nice to have a break, but I had to get out of the house to get away from JD (who is still home from work).

We got a little over 29 inches by us, which I (90% me, 10% JD) shoveled off of my car and parking spot pretty quickly.  I went out for about 30 minutes on Saturday and then did another 45 minutes on Sunday and I was done!  I was motivated for bagels and also because BFF's dog had surgery last Thursday and was not doing well.  (She is since doing better - major thanks to SIL who thought to have us give the dog some Pepcid!).

JD did 5 minutes of shovelling on his own car (he wouldn't let me do anything).  So far, you can see the back of his car, but cannot get into the car.  (Apparently, bagels are not motivating factor for JD).  This car, currently encased in 29" of snow, is about to get another 20" thrown at it.  We may see JD's car moving again around April.
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This 2ww really hasn't been all that bad, basically because I think it's not gonna work.  Right now, I'm just going through the motions of the wait and waiting for my period/negative beta so we can get to another cycle and then hopefully, one that will work.

I am really dizzy right now.  The reason for this is:

A) I'm pregnant. (Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Excuse me while I die laughing)
B) My body is fucking with me.
C) Differentials in air pressure in my office.
D) Not enough caffeine in the hot chocolate this morning.
E) Any of or a combination thereof of B, C and/or D, but certainly not A.
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My unfulfilled due date is coming up soon - Saturday, to be exact.  I've been feeling pretty down about it, but I'm trying to hide it from JD.  If I remind him of it, he'll go all Sarah Bernhardt on me and I just can't deal with his DRAMA right now.

BFF and I came up with a plan to light candles for Shabbat on Friday night and to use that ritual internally as a memorial.
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Since I worked on MLK Day, I get to take off for President's Day.  Getting inspiration from Mel, JD and I will be spending the 3-day weekend in Hershey, PA (assuming Keyser Snowsze doesn't blow it for us).  I will hopefully be getting a chocolate massage, going to a chocolate brunch and will definitely be going to a hockey game on Valentine's Day.  Yay, chocolate!

At Zero

Went in for blood work today and beta hcg is down to zero. The blood work merely confirmed what I thought already, given that the bleeding had stopped by Saturday. We're cleared to start dIUI #2 as soon as I start my next cycle.

JD and I have been working to be happy, with ourselves and each other. Our joint therapy session on Sunday was somewhat traumatic for me. I felt that both therapists were ganging up on me, either blaming me for JD's behavior or saying that I was elevating it due to the grief from the miscarriage and the pregnancy hormones, OR somehow saying that I wasn't really grieving the miscarriage, like I wasn't showing the right emotions or something (a la Camus' L'Etranger (please excuse the lack of accents - I just don't feel like looking up the code)).

Going to see Jim Gaffigan tonight and I'm quite excited about it. I need to laugh.

Unsaid

I've tried to update several times the last few days, but found myself at a loss for words. I'm OK, I think.

I was passing some small clots throughout the weekend, but didn't begin "actively miscarrying" (as I'm calling it) until Sunday night. The cramps have been very bad, but as long as I stay on top of the Advil dose, I can live through it. Very heavy flow and lots of clots. My nurse said to expect that, so I haven't been worrying.

My beta is going down faster and faster. From a high of 160 to 149 (Friday) to 136 (Sunday) to 99.8 (today). Since it's moving down the way that it is supposed to, I don't need to go back in for another blood test till next week.

I took off of work yesterday and today. I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow.

More drama on the marriage front. We had another huge fight/incident/who knows on Saturday at a family dinner. I don't/can't talk about it. We spent most of Saturday night and Sunday morning talking and crying. I don't know what will happen.

I think about leaving, but I don't think I'm strong enough to make that decision. Then, with all these health problems, I just want to tell him, "Go home to your mother and when you get fixed, then come back." It's just never ending.

His reality is not anyone else's. He bitches about how he gives and gives and gives and that nothing he does is ever good enough for me; that he's sick of always being the bad guy. I almost wish that there were a court reporter or a camera crew around, so he could see the difference between his truth and everyone else's.

The reality is that he does very little, but wants a medal for the stuff that he actually does accomplish. The reality is that he screams at me in public and in private, he throws tantrums, he acts and reacts like a child. He is the bad guy. If he's sick of being the bad guy, he could try stopping his behavior.

He says repeatedly that he doesn't know how to help me, what do I want him to do. Take care of me, dammit! Sometimes think of me before yourself! Wake up to the fact that the universe does not revolve around you!

I think my requests, though, give him too much credit, in that his Asperger's prevents him from seeing the world from anyone's viewpoint but his own. For him, the universe does revolve around him and, for example, when my mother calls, she's obviously calling to hear about all of JD's aches and pains (not to check up on her daughter whose married to an asshole and is in the middle of a miscarriage).

I try to use the analogy that our household is a boat and that all the activities that we do involved with the house and work helps to row the boat forward. I want JD to help me row. It's not about 50/50, it doesn't have to be exactly equal and probably couldn't be. It's about each person doing tasks to help propel the boat. But, rowing one stroke while I'm rowing the life out of me doesn't cut it either.

Decreasing

JD and I made it to our appointment this morning with no incidents. The only thing that showed up on the ultrasound was a blood clot. So, we were just in a wait and see till my blood work came back.

My nurse just called and said that my number has started going down on its own, from 160 on Tuesday to 149 today. I'm glad. I much preferred my body to handle this naturally rather than having to go through intervention.

Given the strong cramping that I've been feeling for the past two days, it's likely that I'll begin my period soon.

I'm doing OK. The tears sneak up on me every one in a while, but it's more upset about how many things in our life are screwed up, as opposed to being upset solely about the miscarriage.

JD tried and mostly succeeded at not falling apart on me. It's not that he can't be upset, just that he takes it to the extreme. He's trying. We're both trying.

I'm going to go back in on Sunday for a repeat blood check. My nurse said that if it keeps coming down, they will probably only have me come in once a week till it goes down to zero.

I'll have to lose at least 10 pounds to get back down to the BMI limit for IUI at my clinic. We've got 5 samples in storage. We'll be ready for round 2 soon.

Accomplishments

First, thank you so much for your comments and caring. Your notes truly get me through my days and I turn back to them again and again.

I got a lot accomplished last night and this morning so I thought I'd write it down, not to brag, just to remember that I can accomplish lots when I try.

Last night I:
-Created a new "intention" - telling the baby "You can go if you need to go. You don't have to stay because I want you to stay. You can go if you need to go. I'm letting you go. I love you." Concentrated on my intention several times during the evening and before bed.
-Cleared the table after dinner
-Took out trash and recycling
-Rinsed all dishes and loaded the dishwasher
-"Fluffed" the clean load of laundry sitting in the dryer
-Loaded a load of towels and the Pesach tablecloth (only 2 months after Pesach) in the washer)
-Folded and put away the equivalent of 4 loads of laundry
-Made the bed
-Put my shoes in the closet
-Laid out workout clothes and work clothes for this morning
-Took down old, ripped shower curtain and bad shower curtain rings and hung up new shower curtain with new rings
-Deadheaded flowers
-Put plastic footstool that had been holding giant pile of laundry in bedroom onto the balcony to live with its matching chair
-Walked The Boy
-Washed my face
-Flossed and brushed teeth
-Went to sleep at 10 PM

This Morning I:
-Got up after only two snooze cycles
-Concentrated on my intention
-Took myself on a half hour walk in the rain (I am HARD CORE!) and blissed out to my C-SPAN podcast on Lincoln's time as a president-elect (I am HARD CORE DORK!)
-Took a nice shower
-Got dressed for work
-Made tea for me and JD and put his tea (covered) on his nightstand so it's ready for him when he wakes up
-Made a healthy breakfast for me of Greek yogurt, blueberries, banana and walnuts
-Ate my breakfast and drank my tea while reading a book
-Cleared off table, rinsed dishes, loaded them in dishwasher and started the dishwasher
-Remembered to bring SIL's Kale and Salmon Quiche with me for lunch
-Took The Boy to doggie daycare
-Put on makeup
-Took my pills (Zoloft and prenatal vitamins)

Now I'm at work. I'm hoping to finish comments on the monthly financials and "attend" several conference calls. On one of the calls, my boss is trying to surpass the world record in how many times he uses the F word on one call. Will let you know how that goes.

Who Knows

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes calm, sometimes teary. Right now, I'm crying my eyes out.

My body is all over the place. Sometimes pg symptoms, sometimes pd symptoms, sometimes no symptoms. The only thing constant is the cramping, but even that is not constant.

I tried to research D&C today, so that I could go in with at least some knowledge of what to expect on Friday if that's what the doctor thinks we should do. Started bawling. Currently holed up in my office, door closed.

JD is so depressed that he's barely functioning. He's going in for a kidney x-ray and an abdominal sonogram tomorrow to see if he's having a gall bladder attack. As for his foot surgery recovery, he's basically up and walking, for short periods of time. Otherwise, he's reading, watching TV or playing on the computer. He's whining and when he does speak, he's mumbling.

I have absolutely nothing to give him. Will he ever be healthy? Will he ever be able to be there for me? It just feels like everything was fine with him until we got married and now he's constantly breaking down physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, I really hate him. And utterly resent him. For everything. The infertility, the perversions, the inability to relate emotionally, the inability to keep a job, the inability/refusal to do anything housework-wise. I'm left to shoulder these burdens by myself.

I just spoke with BFF and she told me (as we've discussed many times) that JD will not change and cannot change. I either move on and try to have a family with someone else, or accept that JD will not and cannot be a man or any part of the man that I need and that that is the way it is.

Running the Numbers

In order to help keep score:

5/23/09 & 5/24/09: dIUIs

6/7/09: BFN on HPT

6/8/09: 16 days past iui ("16 dpiui"): Beta = 40.8

6/10/09: Beta = 78.9 (Based on what I've been told, so talk to your own doctor about this, the beta level, i.e., the amount of "pregnancy hormone" in your blood, should double every 48-72 hours for the first few weeks of pregnancy).

6/12/09: Beta = 113 (slower than normal rise)

6/15/09: Beta = 152 (inadequate rise)

6/16/09: Beta = 160 (inadequate rise); Ultrasound shows intrauterine sac

Next blood work & ultrasound: 6/19/09
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I spoke with my nurse this afternoon who agreed that it was good news that we were basically ruling out an ectopic, and that if the beta had not appreciably risen or lowered by Friday, that the doctor would want to discuss a D&C (scheduling it for Monday).

TMI ALERT:
The TP Tango is showing some brown-colored discharge. It seems like I'm going to start my period soon. My nurse said to be sure to mention that to the doc as they would likely hold back on intervening if it looked like my body was going to take care of this naturally.