Self-Talk

I thought of a great post to write last night and I've forgotten it already, so I'm just going to recap my latest Weight Watchers' efforts.

I lost 0.8 lbs this week.  I was doing some negative self-talk around the whole weigh-in.  I had the stomach flu late last week, and felt that any loss wouldn't really count, cause it was due to illness as opposed to staying on the program.  Of course, if I had gained weight, I would have felt bad about myself, thinking "I can't even lose weight with the stomach flu!"  So, it was fortuitous that this week's topic at Weight Watchers was about positive vs. negative self-talk.

I'm trying to work on the voice in my head though.  I am happy with the loss, and before the flu, I really was working the program.  I've started using measuring cups when I eat at home, particularly to measure the amount of milk I'm putting into cereal, tea or coffee.  Apparently, a Jen quarter-cup is not equal to a Science quarter-cup.  :)

This week, I'm going to focus again on portion sizes and I'd also like to focus on water intake.  I'm really not drinking enough and it shows in my dry lips and skin.  I haven't been able to get our Wii set up yet, but I've gotten in a bunch of lovely walks outside.

Once More Unto the Breach and All That

I'm 35 now.  Thirty effing five.  I've been having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the change.  Some of this angst is because I'm now officially old and must admit that I will now never do some of the things I wanted to do in my life (be thin while I'm young, can't think of anything else, it must just be that).  More of the sturm und drang though comes from us getting back on the TTC bandwagon.

I made the appointment for the consultation.  It's real.  I'm actually signing up to go through all this another time.

I'm out of practice here -- there's so much going on in my head and I'm finding it difficult to articulate.  Hopefully, I'll be less rusty as I keep posting.  I would like to keep a record of this time -- not for my child(ren, hopefully) to read later, but more for myself -- to have it memorialized that I was here, I went through this, I wanted this.

I am in a better space to be starting a new IF journey.  I've lost a lot of weight since we first started trying.  Thanks to hyperemesis during the pregnancy and gallstones afterwards, I lost 70 pounds all tolled.  Of course, once my gall bladder came out, I started eating and eating and eating.  I'm still down 25 lbs though and I'm doing Weight Watchers to inculcate those healthy eating and exercise habits again.

We're also in a new (to us) house, in a new (to JD, but home to me) state.  Yay Maryland!!  It's lovely to be back on this side of the river.  I've got a 10 minute commute and it's just lover-ly.  Sure, our home has been invaded by packing boxes which multiply like Gremlins, but otherwise, I'm really happy with the house.

We'll see where we go from here, eh?

40 Weeks

Well, we're here.  No baby yet, but tons of excitement.

Early Saturday morning, I was having a lot of "contractions" that were very close together (1:30 apart for about an hour).  I knew it couldn't be the real thing because the contractions were unpleasant but not painful.  (After conferring today with my midwife and a friend who is a doula, it's likely that the contractions were my cervix effacing as opposed to dilating). 

What was worse than the contractions was the nausea.  It was back in full force.  It's been so long since I've had nausea (and it was also 3 AM), that I couldn't remember what to do and I am the Nausea Queen!  My body's response to any stimulus is nausea!  I was embarrassed for myself.  After finally realizing I needed to eat, I had a few small pretzels and made myself a cuppa tea.  The pretzels didn't help much, but once I started drinking the tea, my stomach seemed to settle down.

I've worried that the nausea would return for labor, and I guess I have confirmation now that it will.  I've spoken with both JD and our doula about this concern, stressing the need to make sure that I'm hydrating enough so that we can avoid the need for IV hydration.  We're also going to make sure to pack a few things that help me with nausea to bring in to the hospital.

So, that brings us to today.  At the midwives' office today, my blood pressure was pretty high for me (142/90).  I had my first cervical check -- one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.  I was 50% effaced and not dilated at all (maybe that's why the check was so painful).  Baby's heartrate was steady in the 150s.  A second bp check was still high, so I got sent to the hospital for a non-stress test and bloodwork.

I got hooked up to a fetal monitor and blood pressure cuff and the nurse had me lay down flat on my back on the gurney.  I wasn't able to sleep (there were so many alarm bells going off all over the place - not from me) but I was able to just lay down and rest.  They had me laying down for so long that my left hip started hurting (as it has done throughout the last couple months), so I managed to flip myself over to my side.  Apparently, my bp stayed high the whole time until I turned to my side, when it came down immediately into the normal range and stayed there.  Yeah, so I guess what they say about avoiding laying on your back when you're heavily pregnant is true and maybe the labor/delivery nurse should know that.  You know, just maybe.

My bloodwork and urine dip came back normal, so the midwife thought this was probably just pregnancy-induced hypertension.  I think it was life-induced hypertension, as they are currently replacing all of the sprinkler heads in our building, and they were supposed to come this morning and tomorrow* and you have to move everything 2 feet away from each sprinkler head so my house looks like a tornado went through it, and it's a sucky thing to go through when you're in full-on nesting mode.  There's been a couple of crying jags due to the stress and emotions and the drama of it all.  Of course, the contractors didn't even show up today.  I'm going to go down to the office tomorrow morning and see if our unit can be put on the priority list to get done because we can't clean up the place until after they are done and it's at least a 2-day process.

So, I get to do a 24-hour urine catch (hooray) and go back in to see the midwives on Thursday.

The hospital was packed today (Snowpacalypse babies in da house!) and triage was especially swamped.  Given the crowd, they are booking an induction date for me in case we need it.  I'm hoping we don't.

*The scheduling of the sprinkler work was not my idea.  The process started around Labor Day and they should have gotten to our unit by the end of September.  Unfortunately, there have been a lot of hiccups in the process and they've only gotten to us this week.

Why I Need Health Care Reform

This has nothing to do with the health reform bill that is going to be voted on in a few short hours. Instead, this has to do with the bureaucratic bastardos at my insurance company who are overruling my doctor's decision to put me on a subcutaneous pump with anti-nausea meds.  Their reasoning is that I'm trying to move (in my own words) from a handgun (Zofran) to a nuclear bomb (the pump). They want to see a longer demonstrated line of meds we've tried and that have failed.  The Zofran is keeping me from vomiting constantly, but does nothing to get rid of the constant nausea and dizziness.  Tried the Phenergan suppository (yuck) on Thursday night -- it made me feel sicker and I spent half the night in the bathroom. Let's cross that one off.

Now, I don't totally disagree with the insurance company's general reasoning.  It would be better to not go to the nuclear bomb if something smaller would work.  In my situation, however, I'm at such a dramatic lack of health, that we need to find the remedy that will be the most effective and work in the shortest amount of time.  Now is not the time for onesies-twosies.  I have missed two weeks of work, and have not left my bedroom, let alone my apartment in a week (that, to go to the doctor).

My doc, who I totally love, can't believe how difficult my insurance company is. She just keeps going over all the things we do have documented on my chart that speak towards getting the pump (weight loss, spilling ketones, threatening dehydration, can't keep any food down but toast, stopped all prenatal vitamins, stopped my happy pills (Zoloft) which leads to me crying while watching C-SPAN and a general lack of non-rational behavior, constant nausea, constant vertigo, etc.) Told my doc that they probably don't even care about the weight loss, because their thinking is probably well, she's so fat, that she's probably healthier now.  Just realized that I have now lost 15 lbs (unfortunately not documented medically) in 4 weeks. May bring this number up to the doc on Monday to add to the chart.

I've found that my apple juice/water has been helping to hydrate me.  I'm nowhere near hydrated, but am much better off than I was with the ginger ale.

My mom helped me to shower and wash my hair this past week.  G-D bless her.  Instead of standing up in the shower, I sat down, facing away from the faucet, and we used a handheld sprayer*, so I could tilt my head back rather than forward while washing my hair.  Feeling clean made me feel so much better.

*We bought and installed the handheld sprayer before JD's first foot surgery, since he wasn't able to get his foot wet for X weeks.  I forgot that we still had it because I don't use his shower normally.  For anyone having showering issues (for whatever reason) I highly recommend this, it was really cheap and we bought ours at Home Depot and installed it ourselves.  If we can do that, anyone can.

The House That Nausea Built

Please don't read if you are in a bad mental space, since this will mainly be bitching.  But, don't worry, I tell myself "eff off, you're pregnant, you arsehole" on a regular basis.

Have been laid up with the nausea since my last post, as in flat on my back, except for the retching, can't do anything, no, really, anything, except for listen to C-SPAN on the radio because I don't have a working TV in my bedroom, nausea.  Got in to see an OB earlier this week, who recommended we try a subcutaneous pump with anti-nausea meds as I'm spilling ketones and they are worried I'm becoming dehydrated.  Waiting for the insurance approval to come through.  Hope this comes through soon, because I haven't had my happy pills in quite a while and I started to cry while listening to President Obama speak about health care.  He's inspirational, he ain't that inspirational.  I need the happy pills.  Going to try grating them onto my toast.

If I never drink ginger ale again, it'll be too soon.  I'm currently subsisting on water mixed with apple juice, cinnamon toast (regular bread toasted with a little butter, cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it) once a day and white rice once a day.  There are some other things to try in my fridge (popsicles, Jello, Kozy Shack (rice pudding)), but something smells in there (or at least, I smell something in there, no one else does, so when I open the fridge I feel sick and then don't eat anything).

Too dizzy to shower.  The last time I showered, JD had to hold me up and I vomited anyway.  I am gross.  Going to see if I can get my mom to wash my hair in the sink.

My day is divided amongst four main segments:

1.) Moaning/Vomiting/Writhing while listening to C-SPAN Radio (not because of the C-SPAN, just cause I need a soundtrack)
2.) Rereading all of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series
3.) Thinking about what food I'd like to eat if I wasn't too nauseated and could actually eat something (hint: everything)
4.) Sleeping

Will now call doctor to see if they can encourage the insurance company to approve the dang pump.  Am concerned that the insurance company is just trying to wait out the first trimester, thinking that I'll stop being sick at week 12, so they've only got to stall another month.

Have not read blogs in many a moon, but I think about all of you and pray that you are doing OK.

Keyser Snowsze

The title was my favorite name in the running for the current snowstorms.  I think it was beaten out by Snowpacolypse or Snowmageddon, but I like the goth feel of Keyser Snowsze.
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I'm in my office today for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was really nice to have a break, but I had to get out of the house to get away from JD (who is still home from work).

We got a little over 29 inches by us, which I (90% me, 10% JD) shoveled off of my car and parking spot pretty quickly.  I went out for about 30 minutes on Saturday and then did another 45 minutes on Sunday and I was done!  I was motivated for bagels and also because BFF's dog had surgery last Thursday and was not doing well.  (She is since doing better - major thanks to SIL who thought to have us give the dog some Pepcid!).

JD did 5 minutes of shovelling on his own car (he wouldn't let me do anything).  So far, you can see the back of his car, but cannot get into the car.  (Apparently, bagels are not motivating factor for JD).  This car, currently encased in 29" of snow, is about to get another 20" thrown at it.  We may see JD's car moving again around April.
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This 2ww really hasn't been all that bad, basically because I think it's not gonna work.  Right now, I'm just going through the motions of the wait and waiting for my period/negative beta so we can get to another cycle and then hopefully, one that will work.

I am really dizzy right now.  The reason for this is:

A) I'm pregnant. (Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Excuse me while I die laughing)
B) My body is fucking with me.
C) Differentials in air pressure in my office.
D) Not enough caffeine in the hot chocolate this morning.
E) Any of or a combination thereof of B, C and/or D, but certainly not A.
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My unfulfilled due date is coming up soon - Saturday, to be exact.  I've been feeling pretty down about it, but I'm trying to hide it from JD.  If I remind him of it, he'll go all Sarah Bernhardt on me and I just can't deal with his DRAMA right now.

BFF and I came up with a plan to light candles for Shabbat on Friday night and to use that ritual internally as a memorial.
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Since I worked on MLK Day, I get to take off for President's Day.  Getting inspiration from Mel, JD and I will be spending the 3-day weekend in Hershey, PA (assuming Keyser Snowsze doesn't blow it for us).  I will hopefully be getting a chocolate massage, going to a chocolate brunch and will definitely be going to a hockey game on Valentine's Day.  Yay, chocolate!

Flickering Flame

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years) is dying.  The results of the biopsy of the liver tumor are inconclusive, but that doesn't matter.  She went into the hospital around New Year's and her salt and potassium levels were very low.  She is now at hospice where they are trying to keep her comfortable as she is in severe pain.

I have known her since I was 16 - half my life.  I am truly blessed to have had her in my life and I am who I am today in large part because of her influence.  I am alive today because of her.

I miss her already.  I knew that this would come eventually, she's 85 years old, after all, but I didn't want it to come ever.

My Fairy Godmother's name is Mary.  She taught me and so many others how to live.  Please take a moment to pray that her pain will ease and that she will be at peace soon.

Support

Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the last few days.  This negative was tremendously disappointing, given all of the symptoms I had been experiencing and the fact that I was not on Prometrium to give me false hope.

When I got my period on Friday, it was the full flow, there was no mistaking this for implantation spotting, and that has continued over the past few days.  It's obviously the real deal.

My nurse was wonderful and suggested that I have a follow-up appointment with my RE, in order to decide what's next.  In the meantime, we'll do another natural cycle.  I'm concerned about what the next step might be.  If it's IVF, I've got a ton of weight to lose in order to get down to my clinic's limits.  My nurse suggested we might do stimulated IUIs though, and I'm at the right weight for that.

Inspired by Mel and some of the other bloggers, I went and ordered the Wii and the Wii Fit Plus on Amazon.  The Wii came last week, and I'm hoping to receive the Fit part today (right in time for me to go away on a business trip early tomorrow).

I'm hoping to increase my activity (from zero to something) and I'm working with a fertility nutritionist on my food plan.  More on that soon.
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This weekend, I went out with family and BFF, got my hair done, and laughed myself silly at a TOOTPU brunch.  I also prepared to send out almost over $9,000 in claims to my insurance for stuff for which I paid out-of-pocket.  Here's hoping!

Period - 5 Days Early

Had been planning to write a post about the rules that I follow when I'm in the middle of a 2ww.  But, it's the end.  Went to the restroom an hour ago and it's all over.  I didn't know and also didn't have anything with me, so like a tween who's just gotten her first period, I've stained my underwear and my jeans (not visible, thank G-D).  I'm despondent and embarassed.

I really thought this was the one.  I wasn't on the Prometrium and was feeling all these symptoms.  Maybe I'm being punished for that.  I had hope and I shouldn't have.

I can't believe that is G-D's plan.  Perhaps it is that I am too fat.  I would like to swear off food entirely and just work out for three hours a day, but don't think that I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm such a fucking failure.  Why can't I do this?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This is the only thing I want, why can't I do it for that?  Don't I want it enough?

A Perfect Storm

I'm not referring to the possible 20 inches we're in the midst of receiving.  Instead, I'm talking about the fact that I've been hit with the illness and death of many loved ones.

My uncle died this morning.  We thought it would take much longer, but his numbers had been steadily decreasing and he went into multiple organ failure earlier this week.  He lived a long, fruitful life -- he got to see his own children grow up, marry and have their own children.
JD and I will try to drive up tomorrow in order to attend my uncle's funeral on Monday. I just feel like I'll be better off having my own car there.


My dad is devastated.  I did not have a close relationship with my uncle, but my heart aches for my father.  The infection in my father's leg seems to be lessening, although it is by no means gone.  My mother says that his leg looks 50% better than what they originally dealt with at the ER.

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years who I'm quite close to) told me last night that she likely has liver cancer.  We will find out after the new year if this is certain and what can be done about it.  I have dreaded losing her for a long time.  I don't want to face this.  She has had such a profound affect on my life and I don't want to lose her.  The good thing is that we will have time to say goodbye.

The Irony Is Not Lost On Me

Tonight, I spent an hour in line at the post office for two stamps for two letters that had to be posted today.

I came home and checked my mail to discover a brochure advertising the ability to have stamps delivered to your door.

Yeah.  The irony is not lost on me.
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Yesterday, I was at the TOOTPU Cookie Exchange -- a gathering of a bunch of the DC-area IF bloggers to gossip, eat, drink and make merry.  I was the only one of us without kids or pregnant.

The irony is not lost on me.
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When a group of people get together, they start discussing what they have in common.  Well, everyone at the party but me, has their kids in common.  There was lots of talking of babies and Christmas and playgroups and the like.  (Probably only a couple minutes, I was in a bad emotional place so my perception is likely not accurate).  I completely lost my cool and started crying in the middle of our party.  I'm ashamed and embarassed.  I know that none of the girls judge me for it, but I judge me for it.

The irony is not lost on me.
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My uncle is possibly dying.  My father developed an infection in his leg due to his travelling to visit my uncle in the hospital and is now in and out of the hospital himself.

The irony is not lost on me.
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I've had enough irony for awhile.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and going to try to snap out of it soon.

Bless the Brown Cows of the Desert That Give Us Hot Chocolate Milk

I had a Venti (read: horse trough) Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream from Starbucks.


It was the best fucking hot chocolate that ever was.


Amen.
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No ill effects from that part of Un-detox (Retox?) Day #1, but then I ate cheese and it was like the Yokohama Bullet Train.(*)(**) So, I'll be continuing the good decision made a year ago to only partake of cheese in rare circumstances.


For lunch, I had chicken and mashed potatoes and creamed spinach (I heart Boston Market). The mashed potatoes were OK, but the creamed spinach was an explosion of love and joy that I haven't experienced since the last episode of Glee.


I'm planning to refrain from dairy the rest of the day, though, so that I can sort of act like I was un-detoxing with moderation whatever that is.
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*Is there a bullet train to/from Yokohama?


**Please excuse my nastiness. I was born in a barn -- New Jersey.(***)


***Again, please excuse my insulting demeanor. I'm sure New Jersey is fine, really. No, really. They've got Bon Jovi doing their ad campaign, it can't be all bad.(****)


****Does my state even have an ad campaign? I mean, my real state, not the Shmomonwealth of Shmurshminia. I'm going with the absolutely no-evidence-basis, uneducated guess answer of: No - my state doesn't have an ad campaign. We don't need one. People know how awesome we are without Bon Jovi or Arnold. We have our own state cake! We have many malling options. Goldie Hawn is from here. Plus, our most well-known state song is about our lottery.(*****) Deal with it, people. You wish your state was that awesome. "It could be." If you lived here.


*****Five bucks says that Mel and Lindsay are currently humming our song.
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Um, I think the sugar (or the manic chapter of the depressive episode, take your pick) kicked in somewhere around Bon Jovi.

Negative Again

My nurse called at 10:45 to let me know that this cycle was another bust. I'm glad that she called so early in the day.

I asked her if we could skip the Prometrium next time around, seeing as how I was not on it during my first cycle (which was a positive till it was a negative) and ever since I've been on the Prometrium (three cycles), I've gotten straight negatives.

She responded positively and said that it was no problem to shake things up a bit and that after I got a positive, we could get a progesterone level and add in the Prometrium then, if I needed that support.

So that's what we'll be doing the next time around.

This blows.

It Was Negative

I went in for my beta at 8:30 AM. I did not receive a call until 3:30 PM. They made me wait all fucking day for this.

All these symptoms and it means absolutely nothing. I really thought this was it. It was all for nothing.

Thank You House

***Possible spoilers from House, so if you are planning to see it, come back later.***

Dear This Week's House,

Thank you for helping me to realize that, in order to act normal become sane get better, I must actually take my pills.

Unlike House's roommate, I was not refusing to take my pills this time because they stop me from being me. (Though G-D knows that we've gone down that road so many times they are dedicating a rest stop in my honor. Now with a Bob Evans!) I also was not not taking my pills out of some scheme to turn all the patients in the asylum against their doctors. Instead, I went through one of my periods of just not taking them.
Yes, this is stupid. And reckless, and unhealthy. Yes, this caused me to become a weeping, snivelling, ill-tempered, non-coping mess.

So, I'm back on - because I do want to get better. And with only one dose in me, I feel like I can actually handle life. I took my meds yesterday, I'm taking them today and I plan to take them tomorrow. That's as far as I'm going to go with my planning, because the longer term promises have not been working for me.

Treatment

Ever since my MIL mentioned the possibility of JD being hospitalized, I've been turning it over and over in my mind. Maybe JD needs more than just a change in medication and to find a part-time job. Maybe he needs to go to an inpatient treatment center for depression and chronic pain.

Or, maybe I watch too much "Intervention."

I broached the possibility with JD this morning over a quick phone call; just to say that it was something that I had thought about this weekend, and maybe we should look into it. He was indifferent, but said that right now, he's indifferent about everything, so maybe he's not the best judge. I said that what we're doing right now, obviously isn't working, so even if we decide this isn't the right thing for him and for us, at least we should look into it.

So, I looked up a couple of places online and now I'm at work worrying something that I never have before about JD's behavior -- whether or not he's suicidal right now, and whether he'll try to hurt himself while I'm not around.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I've been on vacation and so have taken a break from blogging. Now, after reading the 1000+ posts sitting in my reader (man, have you been busy!), I'm ready to rejoin the world.

The Highlights
-To start our vacation, JD and I went to a joint session with our therapists, this session will forever more be known as the "Sha Na Na Session" (aka the "Get a Job Session").* JD felt ganged up on, but I have no sympathy left and my impression of our therapists was that they have very little as well.

-JD and I had a very nice vacation at the beach. We only went to the beach one day, because both of us got burns. (I got burned where I missed sunblock coverage; JD got burned because he wouldn't get fully under the umbrella). We covered ourselves in aloe vera gel the rest of the week.

-I had the best massage of my life!! My back's been hurting me for the last month or so (a result of gaining so much weight in so little time), and after 5 minutes of massage, I didn't have any pain. If you ever travel around Bethany Beach, Delaware, please contact me for the greatest masseurs in the world.

-JD and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary in style by having breakfast at Bob Evans, cause we're classy like that. We did some book shopping and went out to dinner at a local country club. We picked the place because it reminded us of eating at Roy Yamaguchi's restaurant in Ko Olina on Oahu, but it was not the same thing. We'll go for different next year.

-After a week at the beach, I traveled with BFF to Las Vegas. She was going for work and we had a great time hanging out and observing court. It was nice to get real one-on-one time with her, learn more about her job and see some strong arguments of unconstitutional doings in the courts. I gambled a total of $1. I lost it all. I know, I'm such a risk taker.

The Lowlights
-I wound up gaining some weight back, putting me way over where I need to be for the IUIs. Given the scheduling of my vacation, done when I thought my cycle would be regular, it's almost like I set myself up for failure. Since I got back from Vegas (Wednesday), I've cut out carbs, seriously trimmed my portions and been exercising every day. Hopefully, I'll be close enough to the limit when I go in (likely this week) that they'll still let us go forward.

-This intense pressure to lose weight so that we don't lose another month/opportunity has not been great for my mental status.

-JD's depression is in overdrive. My MIL confided in me yesterday that while I was in Vegas, he was the worst that he's been in a long time and that she was worried that he would need to be hospitalized. Maybe that's not a bad idea. There has been talk of having JD switch meds. I just hope that the doctors come up with something that works and soon.

*Did you know that Sha Na Na performed at Woodstock? Me neither.

Quick Kills

The day is hardly begun and yet I've experienced this feeling twice. Two twisted knives in the heart, a pain so fast and hard, you draw in a quick breath. A pregnant woman at the bagel shop, so put together, so beautiful. I hate her. A check on a blogger I haven't heard from in a while. She's pregnant, in her second trimester. I hate her.

I hate these women. I hate any woman who has what I want. It seems like every pregnant woman and woman with a child is just flaunting it in front of me.

I've also been on the receiving end of some thoughtless comments in real life from people who should know better. People who have been through the pain of infertility themselves and/or know what I'm going through.

I hate who I've become. I'm worried that this is who I am now, and that I'll be this way forever.

Holiday Weekend

The weekend was fine overall. Some of the highlights/notables follow:

-I'm not a huge fan of driving over bridges. I have this fear that I will go crazy and drive off the side of the bridge. Yes, I'm crazy. Anyways, based on where we went through the E-Z Pass lane, I had to drive on the one lane of the westbound bridge that was going eastbound. AAAHHH! I was pretty nervous, but doing OK with my breathing exercises and JD saying, "You're OK. You're OK. You're OK." Well, I was OK until my eyes started tearing up, I got sunscreen in my eyes and was blinded. I started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!" JD grabbed the wheel and ripped off his shirt so that I could use it to wipe my eyes. Thank G-D he was there. I would've crashed into oncoming traffic or off the bridge otherwise.

-About 15 minutes after the bridge fiasco, The Boy goes crazy and starts running all over the car. JD and I are both "What the heck?!" The Boy jumps onto my lap and, as JD pulls him back over to his own lap, The Boy proceeds to poop on my left leg, the steering wheel, my right leg, the gear shift and JD's legs. Ew. Ewww. Ewwwww!!!! We were able to stop at a gas station a couple of miles down the road and clean up the car and ourselves.

-Dr. Chai was content to let me stay off the drugs while I felt that I was responding rationally and this weekend was really my test of that. Big FAIL. I was so filled with anxiety on Thursday that my mother said that she could actually see me shaking with stress. I felt like I was vibrating. After bursting into tears on Friday morning because my open suitcase had spilled out onto the floor (I thought it was closed when I moved it), I decided, along with the counsel of family and BFF, to get back on the drugs. The suitcase incident was followed by worry that BFF's boyfriend didn't like me because there weren't enough beds at the beach place and an incident with my mother because I felt that she liked everyone else better than me. It's not all in my head; what I mean is, there are actual examples I can point to, to show why I start thinking in a certain way, it's just that my head misinterprets and misjudges and just makes everything worse. My mother and I have talked about it and I feel better now. I am back on the drugs now and hoping for "normal" reactions soon.

-We had lots of wonderful things to eat all weekend. I read a lot. We got to see real fireworks! Not the lame-o ones that JD, wannabe pyro, sets off at inappropriately late hours, angering the neighbors, but a government-sponsored fireworks display! Yay!

-I don't feel like I was able to relax enough, but am hoping to do so soon.

Who Knows

My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes calm, sometimes teary. Right now, I'm crying my eyes out.

My body is all over the place. Sometimes pg symptoms, sometimes pd symptoms, sometimes no symptoms. The only thing constant is the cramping, but even that is not constant.

I tried to research D&C today, so that I could go in with at least some knowledge of what to expect on Friday if that's what the doctor thinks we should do. Started bawling. Currently holed up in my office, door closed.

JD is so depressed that he's barely functioning. He's going in for a kidney x-ray and an abdominal sonogram tomorrow to see if he's having a gall bladder attack. As for his foot surgery recovery, he's basically up and walking, for short periods of time. Otherwise, he's reading, watching TV or playing on the computer. He's whining and when he does speak, he's mumbling.

I have absolutely nothing to give him. Will he ever be healthy? Will he ever be able to be there for me? It just feels like everything was fine with him until we got married and now he's constantly breaking down physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, I really hate him. And utterly resent him. For everything. The infertility, the perversions, the inability to relate emotionally, the inability to keep a job, the inability/refusal to do anything housework-wise. I'm left to shoulder these burdens by myself.

I just spoke with BFF and she told me (as we've discussed many times) that JD will not change and cannot change. I either move on and try to have a family with someone else, or accept that JD will not and cannot be a man or any part of the man that I need and that that is the way it is.