Friday, January 8, 2010

Period - 5 Days Early

Had been planning to write a post about the rules that I follow when I'm in the middle of a 2ww.  But, it's the end.  Went to the restroom an hour ago and it's all over.  I didn't know and also didn't have anything with me, so like a tween who's just gotten her first period, I've stained my underwear and my jeans (not visible, thank G-D).  I'm despondent and embarassed.

I really thought this was the one.  I wasn't on the Prometrium and was feeling all these symptoms.  Maybe I'm being punished for that.  I had hope and I shouldn't have.

I can't believe that is G-D's plan.  Perhaps it is that I am too fat.  I would like to swear off food entirely and just work out for three hours a day, but don't think that I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm such a fucking failure.  Why can't I do this?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This is the only thing I want, why can't I do it for that?  Don't I want it enough?

26 comments:

S said...

I'm sorry. :-(

I can relate; I started 4 days early last cycle myself.

No words of wisdom to offer, just abiding with you.

Melissa G said...

That sucks.


But for a giggle: Alright rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.

Thought that one would be appropriate.

Melissa G said...

What a second. Five days is REALLY early... I'd throw in a test for good measure.

Thinking of you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

5 days early! WTF?

You are NOT a failure! You are not a FAILURE! YOU are not a failure. I don't know why things keep turning out like this, but it has nothing to do with not wanting it badly enough. I'm thinking of you as always and giving the universe the finger for making you go through this again.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. call me.

bff

Elisabeth said...

Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best,
Elisabeth

Jo said...

Ugh. This bites. And I'm with you 100% -- this is NOT God's plan. I don't think it's anyone's plan really -- but it doesn't help to think that we just keep coming up on the wrong side of the odds either.

YOU are a fabulous friend, a wonderful support to many in the ALI world, a good cook, and the best wife JD could ever hope for. All in all, I'd say you are most definitely NOT a failure. I totally get that feeling, though, and the frustration when our bodies refuse to cooperate.

Sending tons of hugs and bloggy love your way.

Jo

Jen said...

Oh no sweetie, I'm so sorry. If only it were about wanting it enough. Try not to blame yourself, because this really is not your fault.

LJ said...

You are so not a failure in any way shape or form. I am so devastated for you and just want to come snuggle up with you and give you things to throw at brick walls.

You are beautiful, inside and out, and that's the fucking truth.

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry. I have been following your blog for a while now - and there is nothing about you that makes you a failure.

AJ said...

I am so sorry.
You are not a failure. You did everything you should. You are not too fat.
God has no interest in killing babies or keeping you from getting pregnant. Sorry you had your period.

Quiet Dreams said...

So sorry. So incredibly sorry.

You are absolutely not a failure. Life is not fair. Life has a major fairness-fail.

R.J. said...

So sorry to hear your news. It just sucks, and there is no reason for the sucking. I started spotting 2 days ago too and this cycle is a bust for me as well. I've been thinking the same thoughts as you, and I just feel more and more desperate. Just want you to know you're not alone.

calliope said...

fuck fuck fuuuuuuck
this shit just never makes sense.
I am sorry infinity.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

sonja said...

Oh no ... I am so sorry, Jendeis. This totally and completely sucks, especially coming so early as a total shock. This sucks, sucks, sucks, SUCKS.

Paz said...

I know those feelings. I am sorry.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry.. this If world is just so ridiculously unfair.
Do not blame yourself. And Do Not - Not eat or Work out 3 hours a day.
I wish I had the words to make it better. Thinking of you today.

Rotten said...

You are not a failure! I am so sorry this keeps happening. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh honey I'm so so sorry. You are not a failure. You are not too fat. And this has nothing to do with you not wanting it enough. I'm so sorry it sucks so bad...and that it has drug on for so long.....

...I wanted to try to say something to make you feel better...but I see you've already been offered movie vouchers in exchange for sharing your pain, and so I'm sure the hurt is all but healed now.

(sorry for that bit of sarcasm).

I'm just sorry.

~Jess said...

Oh Jen.....I'm so sorry....this sucks more than I can say...and there's nothing I can say to make it or you feel better.

*hugs*

DrSpouse said...

I'm really sorry to hear this, too, I have no idea if this would help or if it's something you have already tried, but it strikes me you are being really really hard on yourself for not being able to do something (dieting) that almost everyone finds pretty much impossible and I'm wondering if it might be good to find some way to feel better about that part of life (your body/food/dieting) e.g. counselling on that issue?

Everyone feels that "dieting would be easy with willpower" but it doesn't work for almost everyone so they conclude they have no willpower. In fact, it basically doesn't work full stop.

I know it's also easy to think "if I had willpower I could get pregnant" but again it doesn't work that way as many of us know!

You aren't an awful person, you come across as a sympathetic and thoughtful person. You aren't a failure, we like you!

Me said...

WOAH! You need to check the self loathing girlfriend! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Infertility is not a punishment for not being deserving enough. It's random crap luck. That's it. Please, please, please tell me that deep down in your heart you know that?

Meghan said...

I hate that infertility makes smart, beautiful amazing women (like YOU) doubt and hate themselves. You are in no way a failure. I'm sorry though that the dumb bitch showed up at all. Hugs to you

my word prediction is 'rested'...hope you are...

JC said...

Hi, thanks for commenting on my blog! =)
I'm sorry AF came early, what a b*! You are not a failure, although we all feel that way from time to time. I was crying to my hubby earlier today about being a failure too. =( IF sucks!!!

Kimbosue said...

You are NOT a failure!
Are you sure its not implantation bleeding? Could you still do an HPT just in case?

SassyCupcakes said...

I'm so sorry. I've asked myself those same questions 1000's of times. I so wish I had the magic answer that could fix everything for you, but please know that you deserve everything you dream of and it's revoltingly unfair that it's so fucking hard.

I really struggle with the "don't I want it enough?" I try to think of it like, some people don't want it at all and still get it, so why not me? It still makes me cringe though. I worry we'll be denied to adopt because I don't want it enough but I don't see an alternative.