Monday, December 14, 2009

The Irony Is Not Lost On Me

Tonight, I spent an hour in line at the post office for two stamps for two letters that had to be posted today.

I came home and checked my mail to discover a brochure advertising the ability to have stamps delivered to your door.

Yeah.  The irony is not lost on me.
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Yesterday, I was at the TOOTPU Cookie Exchange -- a gathering of a bunch of the DC-area IF bloggers to gossip, eat, drink and make merry.  I was the only one of us without kids or pregnant.

The irony is not lost on me.
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When a group of people get together, they start discussing what they have in common.  Well, everyone at the party but me, has their kids in common.  There was lots of talking of babies and Christmas and playgroups and the like.  (Probably only a couple minutes, I was in a bad emotional place so my perception is likely not accurate).  I completely lost my cool and started crying in the middle of our party.  I'm ashamed and embarassed.  I know that none of the girls judge me for it, but I judge me for it.

The irony is not lost on me.
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My uncle is possibly dying.  My father developed an infection in his leg due to his travelling to visit my uncle in the hospital and is now in and out of the hospital himself.

The irony is not lost on me.
___________________

I've had enough irony for awhile.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and going to try to snap out of it soon.

29 comments:

FunkyFrum said...

This is why I always use those automatic things at the post office. Standing in line is killer. But they do make you pay shippign and handling on those stamps they delivered, so you save cash by waiting in line!

Noelle said...

I am so sorry that everything is so shitty right now. I would have cried at that party, too. Please don't feel ashamed. You are in a very hard situation, and your depression only compounds that. I wish that I could offer you advice, but it feels like I am in the same place that you are. I guess the only thing I have to say is...keep on keeping on. That is all that we can do, right? I try to see each day that I make it, a victory. But because things are so hard right now, I reserve the right to come home every day and be pathetic by laying in bed and watching TV and pouting. Do what you have to do to make it through each day. I hope that you can see a little sunlight soon.

LJ said...

I know me saying that "I know how it feels" doesn't do jack shit because I'm over here while you're still over there in the suck that is the waiting. It even probably makes it worse, because I remember shit like that.

Anyhow, I'm thinking of you, and love you, and so sorry for any pain you had to go through the other day - truly.

Quiet Dreams said...

I hadn't thought of it until I read your post, but I (consciously or not) have been avoiding people with kids (other than for my job and my sisters' kids) for a while now. It's a lot easier to just not deal with it (and "it" is the record that starts playing in my mind about how I'm some kind of failure without kids).

I am so sorry that you are in a tough place. I hope for only good things for you.

annacyclopedia said...

Just abiding with you, Jendeis. Being on the other side of the river from everyone else and wanting so badly to cross over - it's a feeling I know well. And it really, really sucks.

Sending you big hugs.

Melissa G said...

It sucks. It really fucking sucks. Feeling alone and left behind- it never gets easier.

Not just two hours ago my Therapist reprimanded me for judging myself while I was in a very similar situation. Now hearing you say the same thing makes me realize she's right.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and your Uncle. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh I hate it for you...how heartbreaking to be around a group who knows exactly how you feel, yet nothing about how you feel at the same time. Big hugs and I'm proud of you for going even if you knew you'd be the only non-pregnant-or-with-kids-one there. I'm a wimpy hider-outer. I probably would have chickened out and completely isolated myself. That is probably why I don't have many friends. So...all that to say you are a good person...and I'm thinking of you.

m said...

if I had gotten my ass in gear and made it down to the TOOTPU, you would not have been the only one in that club, and your tears would have had some company - I am sorry. We're feeling very much in the "hey, what about us?" camp as all friends, real and internetted move over to that other side. And here we sit. Getting more and more bitter by the day.

I am so sorry you are stuck in the suck right now. Abiding with you. And feeling with you. You ain't alone, Jendeis. You are not alone.

Trinity said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending a hug...

Girl, Esq. said...

I'm so sorry you're in the "everything is crappy" place. I swear, it's times like that when something like the stamp issue puts you over the edge. You can almost function with the big stuff and then the smallest thing annoys you and you're gone. Hang in there and know there's lots of people out there who care about you. And never be embarrassed to cry in front of your friends...that's what they're there for. *Hugs*

Kimbosue said...

Hugs to you fir everything going on in your life right now.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I know there isn't anything I can say to make any of this stuff better, but please know I'm thinking of you and hoping things start to get better.

Idgie said...

I'm abiding with you as well...I am sorry things are grim right now. I would have cried right along with you had I been at the party. I know all too well that feeling of being left behind and left out. It sucks ass. (((HUGS))) to you. I truly hope it all turns around soon. Sending prayers of healing for your uncle and dad.

Anonymous said...

I am sorrry. Feel free to come hang out...
BFF

calliope said...

I puffy heart you and hate myself for not grabbing you to gab on Sunday. Instead I think I just molested your knee. um...
It fucking sucks and the damn holidays make the suck even worse.
xo

Orodemniades said...

I'm sorry. But, y'know, sometimes wallowing is the only thing you can do.

JJ said...

Lots and lots of big hugs....words like "I know how it feels" seem so silly to say....but please know we all do know--and we also cant fault you for wallowing and feeling blue...thinking of you!!

Suzy said...

I'm so sorry for all the "irony" in your life right now. It's so difficult even to go out to eat and see cute kids everywhere and not have any of your own.

Thinking about you.xoxo

Amanda said...

The irony all sucks. I'm sorry. (((hugs)))

Another crap thing about the post office: if you print out Priority Mail postage online you pay $4.85 for a small box & delivery confirmation is automatic. If have to walk to the desk and have them do the postage you pay more for the shipping and extra for the delivery confirmation. Boo!

~Jess said...

I get the stamps mailed to our house...I think I pay a $1 for it.

*hugs* It sucks...your completely justified...and we all know how that feeling sucks (kids or no kids). I'm thinking about you.

Paz said...

Here's ironic: I was there at TOOTPU, now a mom, but I have not lost that weight on my heart from the trying and the losses. Sorry for how you felt, I know it all too well. Still. Sorry.

I wish we had had spoken more that night. Almost everyone was new to me, I am not good that sort of thing anyway and my head was spinning with RL names, Internet names, blog details and the new faces...As I commented on Mel's blog, I have such regrets that I didn't get (take) the opportunity for a good one-on-one with each of you. Next time!

Me said...

And this would be why (most of the time) I hate irony.

Rotten said...

I think you are just allowed to have those kind of days. Life seems unfair and having your own pity party is understandable. I wish I could make it better.

sonja said...

Oh, Jendeis, this irony totally sucks. SUCKS. I am sorry you're feeling so down ... *hugs*

Photogrl said...

I'm SO sorry that your life is full of irony and pain right now.

Big, HUGE ((HUGS))!

Melissa G said...

I know it won't fix the crappy stuff that's going on, but there's an award for you on my blog! Go get it!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I now wish I had brought you stamps instead of a magazine. Though all the stamps in the house are 41 cents instead of 44.

There was no judgment with the tears. Empathy--but no judgment. And I'm sorry too for contributing to that pain.

Liddy said...

I am so sorry things are shit right now. Know that I am thinking a bout you and sending you big huge hugs.

Also my prayers are with you uncle and you dad. May they both get well soon.

theclam said...

When times are tough and things are shitty it's ok to wallow and induldge in a little bit of self pity.

Thinking of you.

xxx