Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Quick Kills

The day is hardly begun and yet I've experienced this feeling twice. Two twisted knives in the heart, a pain so fast and hard, you draw in a quick breath. A pregnant woman at the bagel shop, so put together, so beautiful. I hate her. A check on a blogger I haven't heard from in a while. She's pregnant, in her second trimester. I hate her.

I hate these women. I hate any woman who has what I want. It seems like every pregnant woman and woman with a child is just flaunting it in front of me.

I've also been on the receiving end of some thoughtless comments in real life from people who should know better. People who have been through the pain of infertility themselves and/or know what I'm going through.

I hate who I've become. I'm worried that this is who I am now, and that I'll be this way forever.

22 comments:

~Jess said...

*hugs*

battynurse said...

Hugs to you. It sucks.

Jen said...

I'm sorry. It sucks.

Anonymous said...

Heck yeah! It's OK to feel that way!
BFF

JJ said...

Screaming into the universe for you...

Big hugs

Megan said...

The pharmacist asked me yesterday if I was pregnant, since I was buying prenatal vitamins. I left in tears.

Life sucks.

LJ said...

I totally curse at the universe for you. You still are getting the extra-special fuck-over by life, and that's not fair. If there is anyone I want a child for right now, it's you. And feel free to tell me to kiss your ass, slide down a banister of razor blades into a vat of lemonade. I can take it ;)

Becoming Whole said...

I wish I had much more to offer you than an internet hug.

Like a real hug.

Or dinner.

Or a drink or ten.

(And, um, btw, I think you've reached your quota on shitty things, so I'll be letting the universe know, kthxbai)

Fertilized said...

If it helps , hate away the pain! I am very sorry the universe is such an unpleasent place some times

Melissa G said...

All I can say is: thank god I am not alone... I'm sorry that we are in the same boat. I am unfortunately all to familiar with the disdain that you speak of.

It's like someone hands out a flyer with my picture and points the pods in MY direction...

Hugs.

Clare said...

Been there. Kudos to you for admitting it. At least if you acknowledge it, then you know it's not what you WANT to feel. You cant control it, IF sucks, it's cruel and destructive and sometimes it makes us feel things we're ashamed of. Thank goodness we have blogs to admit these things that we cant IRL! Hugs.

Meghan said...

Wish I had something to offer besides an "I'm sorry, this all fucking sucks, and you deserve better". if you ever need a safe place to vent, scream, or cry, just give me a call

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I would like you to tell LJ to kiss your ass, slide down a banister of razor blades into a vat of lemonade. Just because.

There is a great alley way outside White Flint that I know that is perfect for throwing plates. For yelling like crazy. For blowing off steam. And in doing so, you'd give anyone dining at the Cheesecake Factory a good cocktail story.

A hug, sweetie.

Michelle said...

I know how much all of this sucks. I think how you feel is completely normal! If not I am crazy right along with you.

I really wish people would think before they speak. it would make the world a better place.

((HUGS))

SassyCupcakes said...

I hear you. *hug*

Leah said...

Mel is cruel, please don't make LJ slice and torture her ass. Although if we set the whole thing to some appropriate music, we'd have a YouTube hit for sure.

I swear that I know how you feel. Despite the fact that I am now one of the people that you (rightfully) hate. It doesn't matter, I still love you. xo

Io said...

Dude, I am also a bitter angry biznatch some days. Big sloppy hugs and kisses and hopes that tomorrow is better.

nancy said...

I'm sorry. I understand how you feel, I was once there. ~hugs~

Panamahat said...

Yes. all of this. exactly.

Me said...

I feel ya sister.

Hillary said...

You said it so perfectly. Exactly.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Girl, I still feel this way sometimes. I wish I could say it gets better and it sort of does, but sometimes that feeling still overcomes me. I know that didn't help and hope you don't think I'm all shitty for saying it, but I want you to know you aren't alone by any means. Feel free to scream, spew, and vent anytime because "we've" all been there.