Everything's Fine

Went for my ultrasound this morning and everything checks out fine.  No heartbeat yet, but both I and my doc thought it was probably too early for that.

I'll be going back next week for another ultrasound.  In the meantime, I really need to make an appointment with my acupuncturist for help with nausea and personal calm.

More In-Depth Pregnancy and Birth Talk Below
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He asked me if I had an OB yet, but said, "Don't worry, you're not ready to graduate yet; it's just something you need to start doing."  When I mentioned that I was thinking about homebirth, he replied, "Nice knowing ya."  He gave me a little talk about why he thought being in a hospital with an OB was best, given several factors, including: the time and money we'd spent in getting to this point, and the rate of c-sections for someone with my weight.  I said, and this is true, "No decision has been made, but it is something I'm thinking about."

So, now I've got to start this search in earnest.  A happy medium may work for me.  There is a midwife practice in a sort-of-nearby county that practices exclusively at a local hospital.  There's also a midwife practice that has a birth center and affiliations with some of the local hospitals.  I'll be investigating those and more.

My mother had all three of her children at hospitals using natural childbirth methods, so I grew up with this mindset.  The hospitals in our area, however, seem to be very pro-inducement and very pro-c-section (I remember reading that one of our hospitals has something like a 70% c-section rate).  I'd like to avoid these procedures and meds if at all possible.  The most important thing, of course, is my health and the health of the baby, but I'd like to have as little intervention as possible.

Sock It To Me!

Holy Sockerooni!  I received multiple socks from two different awesome bloggers!  First, I received these cute ankle socks from Soapchick. 

Don't you just love them?  My faves are the zebra ones - I'm in love with the mix of green, black and white.

Next, I received these knee-hi socks from Alana.

I love these!  Look at the stripey ones in the middle!  These socks are keeping my tootsies warm at night - they are so great.

Alana also included a wonderful description of the socks in her card and I wanted to reprint that here:

The hearts represent friendship and blog love as found in the IF community.
The stripes represent pillars of strength - they way we IFers build one another's support system.
The beige is a reminder that though IF sometimes gives us feelings of "blah," we will unite and move onward with our lives.

I couldn't have put it better myself.  Thank you girls for these lovely socks!  And thanks to every one of you readers who has held me up and supported me through our long journey to build a family.  I know that I couldn't have made it without you cheering me on and drying my tears.  I love you all.

Wanna see the other lovely socks travelling around our community?  Go see Kym's master post at I'm a Smart One!

You Thought I Was Crazy Before?

I'm quite certain that my crazy has expanded exponentially the past few days, but I think I've succeeded at keeping it internalized, or at the very least, keeping the crazy worries to myself.

Feel free to skip this list of lists of current concerns (now in new and improved anal-retentive outline form!), but know that if you skip it, you're missing a lot of mocking and schadenfreude opportunities:

I.)  My House Is A Giant Mess and We're All Gonna Die
    A.)  My house is terribly, terribly cluttered.  Would it be easier to just move?  Forget selling the current house, just moving.
    B.)  We have a second bedroom that is going to be the baby's room, but currently serves as:
           1.)  JD's cave (which he doesn't spend time in since he got his laptop, but is, nonetheless, stuffed with all his crap, including the closet);
           2.)  Main storage area;
           3.)  Guestroom;
         which boils down to making me feel like moving is the better option.
    C.)  Where did all this crap come from?  Firebombing is starting to sound like a good idea.

II.)  I'm an IFer and Am Unable to Relax About Anything
       A.)  General concerns about every twitch and ache, wondering if they spell miscarriage or just gas.
       B.)  Worries that I'm gaining pounds by the second since the only thing that stops nausea is eating.  Saltines are working right now, but isn't that a lot of carbs?  Maybe too many carbs?  I haven't hurled yet, but I've been close a couple times.  The nausea is pretty constant, but most times I can will it to a dull roar.
       C.)  Need to exercise again, but can I really use the Wii Fit?  Will start walking again, damnit.
       D.)  Think that homebirth may be the right thing for me (right now, it all depends on my health and the baby's health), but am concerned about these issues:
              1.) Will I be too loud in our condo while laboring?  (Maybe we should move?)
              2.) Will the midwife be sympathetic to an IF couple and their concerns?
              3.)  Need to reread Nina Planck's Real Food for Mother & Baby, but am in the middle of another book and I should really finish that one first, but every time I'm reading the other book, I'm thinking of how I need to read the Planck book.
      E.)  What if I get so big that I can't wipe my own ass?
      F.)  What if I kill someone because they say/do something stupid?  What if that is JD?  My MIL?  My SIL?  Random passersby?
      G.)  Is there any way for me to lose weight so that I will look like a cute pregnant person with an actual baby bump, and not someone who's just fat and gotten fatter?

III.  Miscellaneous Worries
       A.)  My hair looks bad (need to get my highlights retouched, like NOW) and feels like straw.
       B.)  I don't feel that I look my best right now and I feel sad about that.
       C.)  JD refuses to get me anything on my Amazon wishlist for my birthday because he "doesn't like any of those ideas."  Hello?!  I'm the one who wants those things!  He's a bum.
       D.)  Passover is in a little over a month and I'm screwed.  House needs to get cleaned and need to get rid of four tons (ok, maybe just 4 lbs) of flour and yeast.  Will need to bake bread 24/7.  Must quit job in order to bake bread.
       E.)  Some guy was driving around the John Mayer concert last night with megaphones attached to his car, screaming about how John Mayer is a "bigoted racist."  Does anyone know what this is in reference to?

Other than that, I'm actually being pretty calm about all this.  :)
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Now Playing on WJEN:  "Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants

This Might Be Real

Thanks to all those who checked in on me yesterday.  I got pulled into a meeting at work and when I was at home, got wrapped up in "Cradle of Persia" (this computer game that I play that's kind of like Bejeweled, only awesome, well, awesome for me).  Anways, I didn't get to blog last night.  My 2nd beta number was:

127

Can you believe it?!?!?!  This might actually be IT.

Here's my chart.  I am above-average, as we knew all along.  (grin).

I go back in on Saturday for a 3rd beta and for an ultrasound next Thursday.

I told both my parents on Tuesday, and we told JD's mom last night.  She asked us not to tell JD's dad as he would not be able to keep this on the DL.

My mom told my sister, and I'm a little peeved about that, since hello, it's my news to tell and I specifically hadn't talked to my brother because I hadn't talked to my sister.  So my mom says, "But she got it out of me!"  And I said, "How?  Because she was on the phone with you?"  And my mom said, "Yes!"  Oh well.  As for everyone else in the family and the wider world, I'm just waiting until I feel right about it.

WJEN - on your FM dial

A recent conversation (before the beta)...

Jendeis: You know how I hear music in my head all the time?

JD: Okaaay.

Jendeis: When I'm pregnant, do you think that the baby can hear the music?

JD: Um...

Jendeis: You know, cause I can hear the music inside me and the baby would be inside me.  Is it like internal radio?  Is it like the baby is listening to WJEN?

JD: Well, I don't think...

Jendeis: Because I'm starting to worry that that's the case, and if we're pregnant this cycle, then I think our child came into being during a very long marathon of "Who Let the Dogs Out?".

JD: I don't think that biology works that way, hon.

Jendeis: But it almost doesn't matter if there's no internal radio, because every time I think about "Who Let the Dogs Out?", I wind up humming it or whistling it and the baby would definitely be able to hear that, right?

JD: You used to say sane things.  I miss that.

Oh My Stars & Garters

I went in for my beta this morning...

57.1

Yay(!)  <-- That is the yay of someone who is guardedly optimistic.  :)

Apparently, six (as in cycles) was the lucky number for us.

I go back in on Thursday for my second beta.  Thank goodness I have stuff DVR'd (last night's figure skating, 24 and House) to get me through the next 2 days.

We're Here!

Yay!

Keyser Snowsze

The title was my favorite name in the running for the current snowstorms.  I think it was beaten out by Snowpacolypse or Snowmageddon, but I like the goth feel of Keyser Snowsze.
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I'm in my office today for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was really nice to have a break, but I had to get out of the house to get away from JD (who is still home from work).

We got a little over 29 inches by us, which I (90% me, 10% JD) shoveled off of my car and parking spot pretty quickly.  I went out for about 30 minutes on Saturday and then did another 45 minutes on Sunday and I was done!  I was motivated for bagels and also because BFF's dog had surgery last Thursday and was not doing well.  (She is since doing better - major thanks to SIL who thought to have us give the dog some Pepcid!).

JD did 5 minutes of shovelling on his own car (he wouldn't let me do anything).  So far, you can see the back of his car, but cannot get into the car.  (Apparently, bagels are not motivating factor for JD).  This car, currently encased in 29" of snow, is about to get another 20" thrown at it.  We may see JD's car moving again around April.
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This 2ww really hasn't been all that bad, basically because I think it's not gonna work.  Right now, I'm just going through the motions of the wait and waiting for my period/negative beta so we can get to another cycle and then hopefully, one that will work.

I am really dizzy right now.  The reason for this is:

A) I'm pregnant. (Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Excuse me while I die laughing)
B) My body is fucking with me.
C) Differentials in air pressure in my office.
D) Not enough caffeine in the hot chocolate this morning.
E) Any of or a combination thereof of B, C and/or D, but certainly not A.
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My unfulfilled due date is coming up soon - Saturday, to be exact.  I've been feeling pretty down about it, but I'm trying to hide it from JD.  If I remind him of it, he'll go all Sarah Bernhardt on me and I just can't deal with his DRAMA right now.

BFF and I came up with a plan to light candles for Shabbat on Friday night and to use that ritual internally as a memorial.
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Since I worked on MLK Day, I get to take off for President's Day.  Getting inspiration from Mel, JD and I will be spending the 3-day weekend in Hershey, PA (assuming Keyser Snowsze doesn't blow it for us).  I will hopefully be getting a chocolate massage, going to a chocolate brunch and will definitely be going to a hockey game on Valentine's Day.  Yay, chocolate!

Rainbow Connection

A bunch of items, none of them long enough for a single post...

-There's a rainbow on my living room ceiling.  The rainbow is cast from a glass sculpture that JD and I purchased on our honeymoon.  I know that rainbows are just scientific phenomena, but they always give me hope.  I wish that this rainbow would be a sign for me.

-JD started a new job last week.  The commute is much better and we hope it will be a good fit for him.  JD's biggest complaint is that he has to wear a tie most days.  As a programmer, he usually was not expected to be dressed so formally.  I think he looks sexy, told him so, and he replied, "You think dumb looks sexy."  When I related this to BFF, she said that I should have told him, "Yes, well that's why I'm married to you."  :)

-This weekend, BFF and I went on a girls' weekend with my sister and her best friend, my mother and my grandmother.  We drove out to the beach and had a great weekend despite the snow.  We laughed ourselves silly.

-While driving out to the beach on Friday night, I received a call from my Fairy Godmother's daughter.  My Fairy Godmother passed on Thursday.  Mary's death was as I would have wished it -- peaceful and surrounded by her children and the love that we all have for her.  There are times when I feel her presence.  She must be looking over my shoulder and watching.

-I'm going in for the first procedure of Cycle Six now.  New motto: "Cycle Six: It's More Than Five, But At Least It's an Even Number!"  I'm usually pretty good about maintaining zen for the first week.  It's in the second week of the wait that the Hope-o-Meter goes all over the place.

-I'm looking for a good shampoo and conditioner.  I have really thick, coarse hair that paradoxically is oily yet feels like straw.  Any suggestions?