Flickering Flame

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years) is dying.  The results of the biopsy of the liver tumor are inconclusive, but that doesn't matter.  She went into the hospital around New Year's and her salt and potassium levels were very low.  She is now at hospice where they are trying to keep her comfortable as she is in severe pain.

I have known her since I was 16 - half my life.  I am truly blessed to have had her in my life and I am who I am today in large part because of her influence.  I am alive today because of her.

I miss her already.  I knew that this would come eventually, she's 85 years old, after all, but I didn't want it to come ever.

My Fairy Godmother's name is Mary.  She taught me and so many others how to live.  Please take a moment to pray that her pain will ease and that she will be at peace soon.

Quo Vadis

Yesterday, JD and I met with the RE for our Quo Vadis meeting, aka "What's Next, Doc?"  My feelings on are all over the place.  I feel sad that we're even in this position (i.e., infertility in general and, specifically, about to embark on dIUI #6).  I feel angry that it's taking so long.  I feel positive that my doc is responding to us and our concerns.  I feel frustrated with my inability to stay away from gluten.  I feel embarassed that I have such a struggle with taking my meds.  I feel happy that I have rocked my Wii Fit Plus every day since we set it up (see my other blog for more details).

I told the doc that, given our record (5 dIUIs (3 with Prometrium), 1 miscarriage, 0 take home babies)  my hope level for this upcoming IUI is pretty low.  My unfulfilled due date is coming up in mid-February and I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it.  I'm ready to move to the next level.

From a completely biased position, it seems like my doc would like me to do unmedicated dIUIs from here to kingdom come.  (Those were probably not his exact words).  Really, he thinks that we should keep doing what we're doing for a little while more, but he was aware that we were not going to want to hear that.  My response was to semi-joke, "No, I want to hear what you would do, then I want to ignore that and do what I want to do."

His proposal was to do two more unmedicated cycles after #6 and then add meds, probably Clomid.  The idea of the meds would be to get my body to release more than one egg at ovulation, providing more targets for the sperm, thus increasing the odds of getting at least one baby out of this.  Of course, increasing the number of eggs also increases the chance of multiples, which JD wanted to discuss back, forth and sideways, but my feeling is that we should wait to cross that bridge if and when we get to it.

My compromise was to do #6 and #7 unmedicated, then maybe go for medicated cycles or another unmedicated round, depending on my thoughts then.

I'll start the OPKs tomorrow for Cycle #6.  Our power song for this cycle: "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Offspring (off my CAPS playlist).  Our inspirational song for this cycle: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, as adapted by Glee.

My MIL thinks this is the East Building

In the Arctic

Otherwise known as Florida. At my industry's annual conference, wheeling and dealing. Feet sore, jaw hurting from smiling and BS'ing. Love my life. :)

Support

Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the last few days.  This negative was tremendously disappointing, given all of the symptoms I had been experiencing and the fact that I was not on Prometrium to give me false hope.

When I got my period on Friday, it was the full flow, there was no mistaking this for implantation spotting, and that has continued over the past few days.  It's obviously the real deal.

My nurse was wonderful and suggested that I have a follow-up appointment with my RE, in order to decide what's next.  In the meantime, we'll do another natural cycle.  I'm concerned about what the next step might be.  If it's IVF, I've got a ton of weight to lose in order to get down to my clinic's limits.  My nurse suggested we might do stimulated IUIs though, and I'm at the right weight for that.

Inspired by Mel and some of the other bloggers, I went and ordered the Wii and the Wii Fit Plus on Amazon.  The Wii came last week, and I'm hoping to receive the Fit part today (right in time for me to go away on a business trip early tomorrow).

I'm hoping to increase my activity (from zero to something) and I'm working with a fertility nutritionist on my food plan.  More on that soon.
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This weekend, I went out with family and BFF, got my hair done, and laughed myself silly at a TOOTPU brunch.  I also prepared to send out almost over $9,000 in claims to my insurance for stuff for which I paid out-of-pocket.  Here's hoping!

Period - 5 Days Early

Had been planning to write a post about the rules that I follow when I'm in the middle of a 2ww.  But, it's the end.  Went to the restroom an hour ago and it's all over.  I didn't know and also didn't have anything with me, so like a tween who's just gotten her first period, I've stained my underwear and my jeans (not visible, thank G-D).  I'm despondent and embarassed.

I really thought this was the one.  I wasn't on the Prometrium and was feeling all these symptoms.  Maybe I'm being punished for that.  I had hope and I shouldn't have.

I can't believe that is G-D's plan.  Perhaps it is that I am too fat.  I would like to swear off food entirely and just work out for three hours a day, but don't think that I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm such a fucking failure.  Why can't I do this?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This is the only thing I want, why can't I do it for that?  Don't I want it enough?

My Husband the Geek

John Dear recently got a new computer game, Civilization IV.  In case you are unfamiliar with Civilizations I through III, this is a game where you become the leader of an ancient civilization and work to explore lands, increase your population and bring new technologies to your people.

Geek check: I really loved this game when I first learned how to play it in high school.  I have since moved onto bigger and better games like Minesweeper and Free Cell.

As with every new game, JD is dedicating all his free time* to playing.  For whatever reason, JD thinks I need to know how he's doing in the game.  The upshot of this is that every so often, JD will burst out laughing and announce to the room (well, me and The Boy**) that Rabbi Akiva has become the ruler of China or that Ghandi, the current leader of Britain, has formally adopted slavery.

I don't care how he's doing; those mines won't sweep themselves after all.


*the amount of which is considerable, considering his non-employed status.
**I'm quite sure that The Boy is not interested in the play-by-play either, but he never complains, so how would we know?