Friday, March 21, 2008

A Decision*

Spurred by my last post and all of your wonderful thoughts and advice, a friend and I had a conversation about my thoughts/struggles during the past week. Thought of asking the friend permission to take my thoughts from that conversation to put down here, but didn't, then realized that I have a better handle on copyright and libel law than my friend and that it didn't matter anyway because I wasn't going to take anything that the friend had written for my post and that it was all my own material (slightly edited to protect the innocent) anyway. Still, I'm hoping my friend doesn't have a problem with this.

In essence, this week I'm really coming to the decision that, if possible, I'd want to move forward with having John Dear's biological child. I have been afraid that we would be dealing with all of JD's issues with Asperger's in addition to maybe a child with Asperger's who would have those same problems (in addition to the depression, the orthopedic issues, the asthma, the allergies and his complete inability to spell). But that's really not true. Our child won't (biologically-speaking) be a miniature JD. S/he will be a miniature combination of myself and JD (so, they're definitely screwed). Anyway, since we'd know what to look for, our child would benefit from having intervention (and more aggressive than JD's) at a much earlier age. Plus, our child wouldn't have some of the "interesting" family dynamics that JD still deals with, instead, our child will be screwed up by our dynamics. :)

Another factor that has helped me in my decision is looking at a sperm bank's web site this week. Just looking around, trying to educate myself. I put in the search criteria that I thought that we'd want (essentially, John Dear) and got one match. The clinic has the donors write essays and the staff gives their impressions. Well, the guy we got? He sounds a lot like JD, though a better writer and he's definitely taller, but he's JD. SO, why go with someone else when I've got the real version here? I'll be the one who teaches writing, my overuse of parentheses and run-on sentences and please, dear G-D, spelling. Hopefully, my family's genes will kick in for the height.

Asperger's may be the "trendy" disability right now (John Dear said as much in our counseling session), but just because it's trendy, doesn't mean that JD doesn't have it. As I pointed out to him, JD and I were both diagnosed with depression at a time when it seemed that every teen in America was. That doesn't make either of our struggles any less real.

In any event, this has nothing to do with John Dear's intelligence, which is very high; it has to do with his ability to move in the world and with people, socially. Should he be diagnosed with Asperger's, I believe that he would get help from people who know how to explain and practice social skills and not just leave it at well, you have no social skills (something that I blame his prior therapists for).

In addition, JD's drug cocktail needs serious evaluation. Even if he does not have Asperger's, his drugs aren't doing the trick for him right now. I'm not looking for the drugs to turn him into someone different, but I do think the drugs should have a greater affect on him and allow him to get to neutral. As I told him in counseling, "on your best days, and that's your very best days, you range between -5 and -10," I've never seen him at zero.

So, that's where I am. Moving forward with the thought that we will use JD's sperm, provided that that is a viable option. JD will call next week to schedule a time for an SA, and we'll see what happens from there.

*Any aforementioned decision(s) or quasi-decision(s) is subject to change with or without prior notice, written or otherwise, by the Deciding Party up to a point in time hereafter referred to as "The Point of No Return ("TPNR") which is currently at some unverifiable point in the future ("ASUPIF"). On or about TPNR, which is ASUPIF, all decisions or quasi-decisions will be assumed to be final and without redress, unless redress is possible, in which case TPNR was not actually TPNR, but instead "A Completely Arbitrary Point in Time" (ACAPT). TPNR will then move forward enduring a second stage of ASUPIF until TPNR can be established.

**Anna, please forgive me for my use of acronyms, we needed it for the funny.**


Jen said...

That sounds like a very good decision to me. :)

Io said...

Heh - I keep thinking about Anna each time I use an acronym now!
I think that that is a completely excellent decision - JD may have some issues, but A. Why doesn't? and B. Obviously there was something great enough about him that you wanted to marry him!

Fertilized said...

I am glad that you were able to come up with a decision and fast i might add. You have put alot of thought into this and you can see how wonderful of a decision maker you are. Can you spare a few of those decision making genes with me? I loved the acronyms! I work in government and nothing is complete w/o atleast 3 or 4 acronyms

annacyclopedia said...

I totally forgive you for these acronyms! I only don't like them when it slows me down in reading stuff - when I have to keep thinking of what they stand for.

The funny was worth it.

I'm glad you have come to a decision on this. It sounds like you're really following your heart.

LJ said...

Good that you've been able to talk it out and come to some decisions - even if they are just for right now.

*love the acronyms

Ahuva Batya said...

Your decision makes total sense to me, and it sounds well thought-out. It's a hard topic to struggle with, but I like your thinking that a child isn't a carbon-copy of mother or father; it's a whole new being the parents of which are only part of the outcome.

Antigone said...

I still question my own decision to have a biological child for similar reasons.

This is going to seem really out there but I thought this book was an interesting read when considering personality type.