Thursday, August 7, 2008

Jung and the Magic 8 Ball

Is it weird that I've never had a racy dream about my husband? Ever? I've had my share and they range from men whose face never quite comes into focus to friends to co-workers to boys who I had a crush on in 6th grade (only in the dream they were grown up, I assure you, I'm not into 12 year old boys).

I recently found a site that does a Gaelic Tarot Card reading (can't find the link anymore). Asked whether John Dear and I would have a baby this year or next, the signs were negative. Of course, when I was thinking of my question, I spent a lot of time revising, so that the English would be correct or so that the cards would know that I was thinking of the year between August 2008 and August 2009, rather than just the year 2008, as it's a little late for that. Maybe the cards were thrown off by my revising? In any event, asked two separate ways, the cards came back with different answers for my future, the Hermit and the Stargazer. Neither of these sounded all too promising.

Spurred on by Antigone's post this morning and Mrs. Spit's helpful link, I determined to ask the Magic 8 Ball whether we might have a baby this year or next. Apparently, signs don't look too good for John Dear and I to have a baby this year or next, but it is likely that I will become pregnant in 2009. Will John Dear be the biological father of the baby? No. Will we use a sperm donor? Unlikely.

Well, how is this going to work Magic 8 Ball? Am I going to have an affair? No. Will I sleep with someone else? Maybe. Will I sleep with unnamed coworker that I had a dream about last night? Very likely. Isn't that an affair, Magic 8 Ball? Plus, he's married, and so am I, so that ain't happening. Magic 8 Ball is stupid.

The rationalist in me (a large part of my mind) is saying, "um, hello? You are actually thinking that the outcome of your life is determined by a computer randomizer?" I know, I know, it's so crazy, and I shouldn't allow myself to get depressed about something so silly, but what if? What if the cards and the Magic 8 Ball are right?

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but things are not right. I'm sleepy all the time, yet I'm sleeping 10-12 hours a night. I'm turning inward and through my own making and the fact that I'm not awake, John Dear drifts further and further away from me.

Actually, the cards and the Magic 8 Ball are right, we won't have a baby this year. I'm unlikely to get pregnant this year too. I have to lose a little over 40 more lbs to do IVF and realistically, I won't be able to drop that before November 2008. Then, LovelyRE says I'll need to go on The Pill and Lupron and all that jazz so that they can control my cycle in order to do IVF. Even if we do get pregnant on our first go round with IVF, we may not even have a baby in 2009.

It seems like everyone else has babies or is pregnant or is at least well on their way to becoming pregnant. I hate this. I hate that I'm too fat to go ahead now. I hate that my husband and I can't have a baby naturally. I hate that my husband has so many illnesses and ailments besides the baby-making related ones. I hate that our very young marriage has had to go through so many trials already. I hate that I've ever had to contemplate divorce. I hate that the fact that my husband and I can't have a baby naturally almost spurs me to dream about scenarios with other men, men who would be able to give me children. I just hate all of this.

UPDATE: Not only am I not able to have a baby, I also can't subtract. I have a little over 30 lbs to lose, not 40.

14 comments:

A Decade of BFNs said...

I hope the 40lbs melts off of you and you are able to start IVF real soon. Sorry DH is so ill. And please oh please step away from the 8 ball lol

FunkyFrum said...

i'm sending you thoughts of lots og yummy calories free chocolate.

Jill said...

I've never had a "racy" dream about my husband, either!!! I hope the extra weight melts off quickly!

Shelby said...

Step away from the magic 8 ball!

I don't often have racy dreams about my husband either. Others? Absolutely! From friends, to co-workers, to people I used to know, to strangers, to people on TV. Oh yeah.

I know you're going through a rough time right now, and I'm thinking of you. If you ever want to grab coffee, let me know!! I'm a great listener.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm hating it all right along with you, friend. And I mean I hate many of the things on your list that are in my own life. Especially that the whole situation makes me crazy enough to doubt my marriage and wonder if it would all be better with someone else. My craziest moments come when I'm out in public and people watching, just looking at guys and thinking about their sperm, whether they have any and how good it is, and how I might be able to magically use it to get pregnant. Like I said, crazy.

You're so not alone in this, Jendeis!

Jen said...

Come to think of it, I don't think my racy dreams ever involved my hubby either. I think it's because the dream wouldn't feel very racy that way. I guess dreams are for living out experiences that you either never got to or wouldn't normally dare to.

You know it just isn't fair that you have so many obstacles in your path to having a baby. At the same time, you are making AMAZING progress in terms of overcoming them, and you should be very proud of that.

Io said...

Ha! What Anna said - I sometimes look around and see potential sperm donors. And I also feel alone a lot in terms of treatment - I can't even join in the two week waiting or the ultrasounds or any of that. I hate feeling left behind. ::hugs:: You are doing an amazing job with your weight and you will get there.

Faithful Infertile said...

Please put down the Magic 8 ball & slowly step away. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time here lately. Just know there are many people pulling for you. Remember, that which does not kill us makes us stronger. Hang in there!!!

Marie said...

Don't feel bad about the 8 ball I am going to take a looksy right now.

I actually listened to a woman on Pogo tell me that I will get pregnant with twins by next year. She doesn't know me of have seen me and I spent a couple days in a euphoric stupor because some lady on an internet gaming site has a hunch that I am going to have twins.

We all do this. And...I am still going to look at the 8 ball.

Hang in there chickie!!

Marie said...

If I listen to that damn 8 ball I will never have another child. It sucks don't go back there. I think it is broke.

Jen said...

The Eight Ball told me you are good to go for November 2009. So, that would be positive test in what, February/March-ish?

theclam said...

Oh my friend, you are SO not alone in this hateful place we find ourselves... Try not put too much store in the magic 8 ball - it is just a load of crap that helps make the situation worse!

HUGS to you!

Tricia said...

Oh hon I am so so sorry you are having a hard time. Don't feel bad about the racy dreams. I have them about other people all the time. I don't know why. Maybe because IF takes such a toll on the relationship. Please don't be so sad. Why don't you try taking fish oil capsuls? One time when I was going through a funk my mom started shoving them down my throat and low and behold... I was happy again. They are also really healthy too!

Try and smile and do something for you and John Dear together this weekend.

LJ said...

I don't have racy dreams about my man either...or my fake boyfriend. Sigh.