Flickering Flame

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years) is dying.  The results of the biopsy of the liver tumor are inconclusive, but that doesn't matter.  She went into the hospital around New Year's and her salt and potassium levels were very low.  She is now at hospice where they are trying to keep her comfortable as she is in severe pain.

I have known her since I was 16 - half my life.  I am truly blessed to have had her in my life and I am who I am today in large part because of her influence.  I am alive today because of her.

I miss her already.  I knew that this would come eventually, she's 85 years old, after all, but I didn't want it to come ever.

My Fairy Godmother's name is Mary.  She taught me and so many others how to live.  Please take a moment to pray that her pain will ease and that she will be at peace soon.

Quo Vadis

Yesterday, JD and I met with the RE for our Quo Vadis meeting, aka "What's Next, Doc?"  My feelings on are all over the place.  I feel sad that we're even in this position (i.e., infertility in general and, specifically, about to embark on dIUI #6).  I feel angry that it's taking so long.  I feel positive that my doc is responding to us and our concerns.  I feel frustrated with my inability to stay away from gluten.  I feel embarassed that I have such a struggle with taking my meds.  I feel happy that I have rocked my Wii Fit Plus every day since we set it up (see my other blog for more details).

I told the doc that, given our record (5 dIUIs (3 with Prometrium), 1 miscarriage, 0 take home babies)  my hope level for this upcoming IUI is pretty low.  My unfulfilled due date is coming up in mid-February and I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it.  I'm ready to move to the next level.

From a completely biased position, it seems like my doc would like me to do unmedicated dIUIs from here to kingdom come.  (Those were probably not his exact words).  Really, he thinks that we should keep doing what we're doing for a little while more, but he was aware that we were not going to want to hear that.  My response was to semi-joke, "No, I want to hear what you would do, then I want to ignore that and do what I want to do."

His proposal was to do two more unmedicated cycles after #6 and then add meds, probably Clomid.  The idea of the meds would be to get my body to release more than one egg at ovulation, providing more targets for the sperm, thus increasing the odds of getting at least one baby out of this.  Of course, increasing the number of eggs also increases the chance of multiples, which JD wanted to discuss back, forth and sideways, but my feeling is that we should wait to cross that bridge if and when we get to it.

My compromise was to do #6 and #7 unmedicated, then maybe go for medicated cycles or another unmedicated round, depending on my thoughts then.

I'll start the OPKs tomorrow for Cycle #6.  Our power song for this cycle: "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Offspring (off my CAPS playlist).  Our inspirational song for this cycle: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, as adapted by Glee.

My MIL thinks this is the East Building

In the Arctic

Otherwise known as Florida. At my industry's annual conference, wheeling and dealing. Feet sore, jaw hurting from smiling and BS'ing. Love my life. :)

Support

Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the last few days.  This negative was tremendously disappointing, given all of the symptoms I had been experiencing and the fact that I was not on Prometrium to give me false hope.

When I got my period on Friday, it was the full flow, there was no mistaking this for implantation spotting, and that has continued over the past few days.  It's obviously the real deal.

My nurse was wonderful and suggested that I have a follow-up appointment with my RE, in order to decide what's next.  In the meantime, we'll do another natural cycle.  I'm concerned about what the next step might be.  If it's IVF, I've got a ton of weight to lose in order to get down to my clinic's limits.  My nurse suggested we might do stimulated IUIs though, and I'm at the right weight for that.

Inspired by Mel and some of the other bloggers, I went and ordered the Wii and the Wii Fit Plus on Amazon.  The Wii came last week, and I'm hoping to receive the Fit part today (right in time for me to go away on a business trip early tomorrow).

I'm hoping to increase my activity (from zero to something) and I'm working with a fertility nutritionist on my food plan.  More on that soon.
_________________________
This weekend, I went out with family and BFF, got my hair done, and laughed myself silly at a TOOTPU brunch.  I also prepared to send out almost over $9,000 in claims to my insurance for stuff for which I paid out-of-pocket.  Here's hoping!

Period - 5 Days Early

Had been planning to write a post about the rules that I follow when I'm in the middle of a 2ww.  But, it's the end.  Went to the restroom an hour ago and it's all over.  I didn't know and also didn't have anything with me, so like a tween who's just gotten her first period, I've stained my underwear and my jeans (not visible, thank G-D).  I'm despondent and embarassed.

I really thought this was the one.  I wasn't on the Prometrium and was feeling all these symptoms.  Maybe I'm being punished for that.  I had hope and I shouldn't have.

I can't believe that is G-D's plan.  Perhaps it is that I am too fat.  I would like to swear off food entirely and just work out for three hours a day, but don't think that I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm such a fucking failure.  Why can't I do this?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This is the only thing I want, why can't I do it for that?  Don't I want it enough?

My Husband the Geek

John Dear recently got a new computer game, Civilization IV.  In case you are unfamiliar with Civilizations I through III, this is a game where you become the leader of an ancient civilization and work to explore lands, increase your population and bring new technologies to your people.

Geek check: I really loved this game when I first learned how to play it in high school.  I have since moved onto bigger and better games like Minesweeper and Free Cell.

As with every new game, JD is dedicating all his free time* to playing.  For whatever reason, JD thinks I need to know how he's doing in the game.  The upshot of this is that every so often, JD will burst out laughing and announce to the room (well, me and The Boy**) that Rabbi Akiva has become the ruler of China or that Ghandi, the current leader of Britain, has formally adopted slavery.

I don't care how he's doing; those mines won't sweep themselves after all.


*the amount of which is considerable, considering his non-employed status.
**I'm quite sure that The Boy is not interested in the play-by-play either, but he never complains, so how would we know?

In Need of Wake-Up Ruffian

One of the nourishing decisions that I'm trying to make is to increase my exercise.  Through much trial and error, I've discovered that it is preferable for me to exercise early in the morning before I go to work.  When I leave the exercise time for the evening, it's just way too easy to slough it off and say, "I'm cold.  I'm hungry.  I'm tired.  I don't wanna do it."

Here's my problem.  I'm finding it ruheeelly difficult to wake up early in the mornings.  I hit the snooze button so many times this morning that even my clock gave up on me ever getting up and shut itself off.  Dude, my alarm clock gave up on me!  I am hopeless.

I think that I need somebody to come into my bedroom every morning and beat me up until I get out of bed.  My brother suggested an annoying song to wake up to, but I think my idea is better.

How do you make sure you get up for exercise?

PWHM - edition 4

Welcome to another edition of People Who Hate Me.  Today, it's really more of a thing or maybe I can go with the people behind the thing?  Do you think that's allowed?  Are the rules of PWHM that strict?  Anyways, the people who hate me today are the creators of Blogger's commenting system.

For several months, I've had trouble leaving comments at blogs hosted by Blogger.  I type my comment, press enter and then Blogger tells me that it can't publish my comment.  Then, I press enter again and a word verification comes up.  Then, I enter that and finally, FINALLY, the comment gets published.

This is utter BS and I call SHENANIGANS on the people of Blogger.  Does anybody else have this problem?  Is it just me?

Happy Delurking Week!  If Blogger ain't fouling you up with the whole comment-leaving thing, take a sec to say hi!

Books I Read in 2009

One of my favorite pastimes is to read.  I read anything and everything and I think that the 136 books on my 2009 reading list demonstrate that fact.  My favorites of the year are in bold.  What were your fave reads from 2009?

Cookbooks
Bob's Red Mill Baking Book by John Ettinger

The Sustainable Kitchen by Stu Stein
Gluten-Free Baking by Rebecca Reilly
The Chez Panisse Cafe Cookbook by Alice Waters
Barefoot Contessa at Home by Ina Garten
The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook by Ina Garten
Wheat-Free, Gluten-Free Cookbook for Kids and Busy Adults by Connie Sarros
Cooking Free by Carol Lee Fenster
I'm Just Here for the Food by Alton Brown
A Treasury of Jewish Holiday Baking by Marcy Goldman
Jewish Holiday Kitchen by Joan Nathan
Rachael Ray 30-Minute Get Real Meals by Rachael Ray
The Complete Book of Small Batch Preserving by Ellie Topp
Passover by Design by Susie Fishbein
Well Preserved by Eugenia Bone
The Bread-Baker's Apprentice by Peter Reinhart
Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon
Real Food for Mother and Baby by Nina Planck
Real Food: What to Eat and Why by Nina Planck
Rachael Ray's Big Orange Book by Rachael Ray
The Gluten-Free Gourmet Makes Dessert by Bette Hagman
The Gluten-Free Gourmet Bakes Bread by Bette Hagman
Light Jewish Holiday Desserts by Penny Wantuck Eisenberg
The Kosher Billionaire's Secret by Stacy Cohen

Fiction
The Devil's Queen by Jeanne Kalogridis
The Queen's Mistake by Diane Haeger
A Rogue of My Own by Johanna Lindsay
The Defector by Daniel Silva
The Brass Verdict by Michael Connelly
The Flanders Panel by Arturo Perez-Reverte
I am Madame X by Gioia Diliberto
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
An Echo in the Bone by Diana Gabaldon
The Last Coyote by Michael Connelly
A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving
Killing Floor by Lee Child
The Secret Bride by Diane Haeger
The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleen Kent
Echo Park by Michael Connelly
Fever 1793 by Laurie Halse Anderson
The Winter Rose by Jennifer Donnelly
Rashi's Daughters - Book III: Rachel by Maggie Anton
Angels Flight by Michael Connelly
Austenland by Shannon Hale
Lost Light by Michael Connelly
The Narrows by Michael Connelly
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
Nothing to Lose by Lee Child
The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff
Bad Luck and Trouble by Lee Child
The Other Queen by Philippa Gregory
A Fatal Waltz by Tasha Alexander
No Choice but Seduction by Johanna Lindsay
Luxe by Anna Godbersen
Temptation by Jude Devereaux
No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
Extreme Measures by Vince Flynn
And Only to Deceive by Tasha Alexander
Capital Crimes by Stuart Woods
Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson
Trunk Music by Michael Connelly
Ex Libris by Ross King
New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
The Known World by Edward Jones
The Golden Tulip by Rosalind Laker
A Good Year by Peter Mayle
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Triumph of Deborah by Eva Etzioni-Halevy
The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted by Elizabeth Berg
To the Tower Born by Robin Maxwell
The Garden of Ruth by Eva Etzioni-Halevy
The Darcys & the Bingleys by Marsha Altman
Protect and Defend by Vince Flynn
The White Queen by Philippa Gregory
The King's Grace by Anne Easter Smith
The Black Echo by Michael Connelly
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin
Stealing Athena by Karen Essex
The Concrete Blonde by Michael Connelly
The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier
The Black Ice by Michael Connelly
The Queen's Handmaiden by Jennifer Ashley
The Temptation of the Night Jasmine by Lauren Willig
Silk by Alessandro Baricco
A Poisoned Season by Tasha Alexander
Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
Midwives by Chris Bohijalian
Wicked by Gregory Maguire
The Closers by Michael Connelly

Infertility
Avoiding Miscarriage by Susan Rousselot
Natural Solutions to Infertility by Marilyn Glenville
After Miscarriage by Krissi Danielsson
Miscarriage: Why It Happens and How to Reduce Your Risks by Henry Lerner
Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope by Nina Beth Cardin
Navigating the Land of IF by Melissa Ford

Non-Fiction
Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
The Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich
Guests of the Ayatollah by Mark Bowden
In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson
The Chicks with Sticks Guide to Knitting by Nancy Queen
The Great Influenza by John M. Barry
The Maker's Diet by Jordan Rubin
The Coldest Winter by David Halberstam
Comfort Me with Apples by Ruth Reichl
The Judgment of Paris by Ross King
Why Women Should Rule the World by Dee Dee Myers
The Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start by Cheryl Forberg
Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer
Food Matters by Mark Bittman
Walking the Bible by Bruce Feiler
The Assault on Reason by Al Gore
Flapper by Joshua Zeitz
The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin
Made from Scratch by Jenna Woginrich
Fresh Food from Small Spaces by R.J. Ruppenthal
How to Keep Kosher by Lise Stern
Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison
Do Travel Writers Go to Hell? by Thomas Kohnstamm
Kosher for Everybody by Trudy Garfunkel
So Many Books, So Little Time by Sara Nelson
Smile When You're Lying by Chuck Thompson
Notes from a Small Island by Bill Bryson
Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynn Truss
Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin
Galileo's Daughter by Dava Sobel
Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Cambell-McBride
Kabul Beauty School by Deborah Rodriguez
In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan
The Case for Israel by Alan Dershowitz
The Lost Painting by Jonathan Harr
To Begin Again by Naomi Levy
The Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett
Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi
Going Kosher in 30 Days by Rabbi Zalman Goldstein
Julie and Julia by Julie Powell
The Indifferent Stars Above by Daniel Brown
I'm a Stranger Here Myself by Bill Bryson
Living Like Ed by Ed Begley
Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work by Katrin Bentley

Religious Works
The Bible (King James Version)
The Book of Psalms (ed. Robert Alter)
The Jewish Woman's Prayer Book by Aliza Lavie
The Committed Marriage by Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Talking to G-D by Naomi Levy

Word of the Year

I read on Alison's blog that an alternative to resolutions is to pick a defining word.  My past history with following through with resolutions is not so great (see: lose weight as the number 1 resolution for the past 20 years).  So, I'm going with the defining word method and we'll see where that takes me.

My word for 2010 is:

NOURISHING

I'm going to try and keep this motto in my heart and mind, trying to make decisions in line with what I think would be nourishing.  I'll be attempting to nourish my body, spirit, mind and hopefully, a healthy pregnancy this year.

In keeping with my nourishing decisions and inspired by Mel's Shrinking Ass, I'll be tracking my exercise progress at The New Plan.  I'll be taking it one day at a time, hoping to make good decisions, like trying to fit in exercise each and every day of 2010.