Trying to Get Down to the Heart of the Matter

First, thank you to everyone who reached out to me recently with a kind word or description of your own experience. I felt (and still feel) so much love and support from all of you and feel blessed that I have you in my life.

The major issue that I have been struggling with is that I believe that John Dear has Asperger's Syndrome, a neurological disorder on the autism spectrum. Commonly misdiagnosed as ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), those with Asperger's "show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see."

This definition doesn't even tell the half of it. John Dear has very few social skills, has trouble remembering to look people in the eye while speaking or being spoken to, has great difficulty in interpreting facial cues, and has many problems in making/keeping friends. He is quite literal and can be very rigid in his thinking. They say that marriage takes work, but being a wife to John Dear is much more than a full-time job.

As a kid, JD was diagnosed as having ADHD, but I've always felt that his issues were more than just ADHD. After much talking and planning, I was able to discuss this openly with JD in a joint therapy session with his therapist and mine. I framed my talking around the issue that JD has been misdiagnosed and that his prescribing doctor (not his therapist) has not treated him therapeutically, medically or medicinally according to the protocols for his actual issues. Side note: I think that she's barely treated him at all beyond seeing him as a cash cow that she never has to deal with besides writing 2 prescriptions every quarter. I believe that her "treatment" borders on malpractice.

JD has agreed to undergo diagnostic testing and a psychopharmacological review of his current medications.

But, so what? So, he was misdiagnosed with something, where's the issue? Here's the crux of the issue (not yet discussed with John Dear): supposing we can obtain JD's sperm for use in an IUI, should we use it? Should we run the risk that our child/children will also have Asperger's and its attendant difficulties for the child and the family? Asperger's can be carried genetically, but is not always done so. Additionally, Asperger's can be passed from mothers to their children, but also from fathers to children, so it is not strictly an X-chromosome-linked disease. Currently, there are no genetic/blood tests available to determine whether or not a person has Asperger's; it is all based on diagnostic testing.

Perhaps we should look into donor insemination, a method that would reduce the risk of a child developing Asperger's or any of the medical issues (yeah, he's got more) that John Dear has. I love my husband. No matter what, I want him to be the father of our family. I think he would be a wonderful father and it's one of the reasons that we married. I don't want to hurt John Dear, but as my therapist and I discussed previously, having a healthy baby is more important than potentially hurting JD's feelings.

I can't really come up with a good concluding paragraph to this post, so I'll just stop here. I'm open to and would welcome hearing your thoughts on the matter, whether you've only just stopped by, read this blog regularly or know me in the real world.