Sunday, September 14, 2008

Follow-Up

Thank you for your many thoughtful responses to Circular Logic, my post regarding the struggle between those dealing with primary infertility and those pregnant or parenting after IF.

I don't think I articulated all of my points well, so I'd like to follow up.

I don't think that anyone pregnant or parenting after IF should have to bury that experience inside them or never be allowed to talk about it simply because they are no longer dealing with primary infertility. Quite the opposite.

My point was that, as Mel says, "once an infertile, always an infertile." I don't feel that there is any need (from my point of view as a primary infertile) for someone pregnant or parenting after IF to repeatedly and self-consciously explain how grateful they are or somehow have to justify themselves over and over again.

Of course, you are grateful for your child. Of course, you will never forget the pain of going through BFN after BFN and missed placements and lost treatments and the rest. Couldn't we just take that as a given?

Now, when I am in a place where I can't read about kids or pregnancy, I don't read posts about those things. Instead, I save them for later for when I'm in a better place. I don't expect you to never write about your pregnancy or your children because I haven't reached that point in my IF journey; I just want you to understand, and I'm sure that you do, that, sometimes, I'm not always able to read your posts right at the time that they go up on your blog.

Not really sure how to end this post, so I'll just end it as I ended every rough draft of my master's thesis: "In conclusion, I conclude."

13 comments:

Manda said...

What I find interesting is that I am generally okay reading about toddlers and older children. Kids under about a year old? I can't do it right now. I just don't see the light at the end of my tunnel and I STILL have no faith it will happen for me. Reading about it happening for other people - no matter how grateful they are, no matter how hard they fought for it, no matter how much I love the blogger who is writing it - it just hurts. And then I feel guilty for not following those blogs anymore. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Tricia said...

I feel the same way. I wish that I didn't.. but, I do. I still read most of the posts.. albeit in a quicker way.. more like a skim. But, I don't comment as much. I just can't. I have nothing to say. I feel too bad for myself right now.

Jen said...

I never mind if someone isn't in a place to read me. I understand, since I was there before.

Shelby said...

I definitely understand! When I was going through my secondary IF journey, I couldn't go near babies. I couldn't read about them, or think about them. I'd cry because I couldn't have it. Yet I already had one child at home. While it is hard, it is sooo different already having a child. At least they're there to hug you when you cry.

It just all sucks. And I do find myself repeatedly explaining to others that I am not going to try for any more children after the struggle we went through to have Seth. Because you never know who you may be speaking to. I've actually come across 3 other women, in talking casually, who have gone through a long road to get their children. And it's nice to be able to drop that guard down a little and actually talk about htings that aren't spoken about.

I would never hold it against anyone if they couldn't read my blog. I know that my Tootpu gals know how greatful I am to have 2 healthy kids. And that most people in the IF community know it as well. I guess the reason I keep talking about it every so often is because I never want to take my children for granted. I went through hell and back to have my son, and I wish it wasn't hte case. But it was. And I think about that every day. Probably partially because I can never forget, and partially because I never want to forget. It's part of me, and part of my husband, and kids. They were there with me, in one way or another.

Ok, sorry for rambling a bit. Just needed to throw in my comments. You know I love you Jen!!

kirke said...

I know what you mean. Some days I can read blogs about pregnancy and babies. Some days I can't. It's just like how some days I give a nice smile to the pregnant lady walking in front of me at work. And some days I give her the finger behind her back.

Meghan said...

I think I missed how all this started but I would never be the least bit offended if someone couldn't read my blog right now or at any point. I do think the reason I talked about it so much was that I didn't want people to think I was a regular old pregnant lady...every part of the journey was colored by how we got there.

And I still can't talk to the girl at work who had an 'oops' and completely takes it for granted

Io said...

I have days I can't read blogs where people have kids already. And it doesn't usually bother me when they talk about their IF - I mean, that's why we're all here - but I think sometimes I want to have all the pain to myself. I feel so crappy sometimes about my situation that I want to wallow so completely in my misery that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I want the pain for myself and only myself. I don't want to read if you have kids, or if you can afford treatment, or if you only need clomid...
Granted, this is only once in a while that I am this selfish, but it happens. And then I get over it.

Delenn said...

Okay, I was going to post, but ya, know--Shelby beat me to it. Ditto what Shelby said.

Tricia said...

Ummm that Mah Jong link you gave me.. It's evil. I really don't think I will ever complete anything productive again!!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

My favourite part is the last line :-) My friend used to end every middle school report with the words "think about it." Josh and I love to end conversations with that.

Bean said...

Ok, so I'll also ditto much of what Shelby said. It seems to me that we all have our limits on what we can handle depending on our own situation. As my own child gets older I find that my ability to hear/read about other kids changes. When we first started down this horrible path I could handle toddlers and older kids, but not babies. Now that mine is pushing 6, even toddler news is difficult for me. BUT it also depends on the kids in question. Really good friends and the kids of any TOOTPUer -- well I'm generally thrilled to hear their stories! :)

Shinejil said...

I find I can usually enjoy concrete, actual children and even babies, but I hate people talking about planning pregnancy, being pregnant and how "empowering" it is, etc. The concepts and myths piss me off more than the flesh-and-blood people (on average). IFers are usually disabused of their myths on their rough roads to parenting.

I think we do need to have some kind of communal understanding that, yes, you've been through the fire and been burned and we will always recognize that, we who are still hopping up and down in the flames. That temporary silences and absences are just that: temporary.

By the way, I was so angry for you, the way you've been treated due to your weight. That response you got from the other RE's office was just shitty and so glib, somehow. Everyone assumes that because someone's overweight, they must have the health problem...

Geohde said...

I get your point, really I do.

It's not like I've woken up to two you-know-whats and forgotten what it took and how lucky I am. Many's the time I couldn't face reading about kidlets.....

J