Knew That Was Weird

So, remember how I left the voice mail, but it wasn't my nurse's voice, just an automated response?

Yeah, that was cause it wasn't her phone number. Have no idea's whose it was -- well, someone in the universe just got a chuckle. :)

Called the main line, got the correct number and left a message. Should hear back from nurse today or tomorrow.

Heart in Throat

I'm about to call the nurse at Giant Fertility Clinic to talk to her about doing dIUIs. Feeling so nervous, I'm about to freak the eff out.

Pray that I don't babble over the phone and sound like a complete idiot. Alternatively (and more realistically), pray that in spite of my babbling and sounding like a complete idiot, my nurse takes pity on me and tells me what we need to do to start treatment.

UPDATE: Called and got voice mail (computer-generated, so I don't really know if it was my nurse's). Left a message, hoping it was my nurse's voice mail, but I still haven't heard from her. It's CD 1 -- let's get the show on the road!

The Pledge

A new spin on the pledge that's circling the finance industry: (left hand raised - go lefties!) I refuse to take part in this depression.

To wit:
1.) I am wearing high heels.
2.) I am wearing makeup.
3.) I took my meds AND vitamins (good for pre-conception, pregnancy and beyond)
4.) I brushed my teeth AFTER breakfast AND used the window cleaner-tasting prescription mouthrinse after.
5.) I am wearing my reading glasses.
6.) I am doing my work as opposed to reading blogs (well, I was, until this break).
7.) Tonight, I will walk with BFF's dog (whom we're dogsitting) on a newly-checked Google Pedometer route of 1.3 miles. (Not sure if The Boy can go on this route, it might be too long for his little legs).

This Is How We Do It - Matzah Style

The great and powerful Kym asked me to elaborate on how my family and John Dear's family celebrate Pesach (Passover), and me, I'm a giver, so here's a rundown.

Note: The following addresses how we celebrate Pesach in our own way. Please don't let me know that we're doing things incorrectly or not in accordance with halachah (the rules).

The Story
As I learned in Hebrew School, Pesach is the Jewish celebration that commemorates our time as slaves in Egypt and that, after the ten plagues, the Jews escaped from bondage into the desert and, eventually, into Israel. The holiday is called "Passover" because the Angel of Death passed over the homes of the Jews (whose doorways had been marked with lamb's blood) during the last plague (the Killing of the First-Born).

We eat matzah during Pesach to remember that, when the Jews escaped Egypt, they did not have time to allow their bread dough to rise and so, packed the dough on their backs to back in the hot, desert sun. The dough baked into flat crackers, so now we have matzah.

No Chametz
During the eight days of Pesach, those who observe do not eat or drink anything that contains chametz (From Chabad: Any food that's made of grain and water that has been allowed to ferment and "rise." Any food that contains grain or grain derivatives can be, and often is, chametz. ) In fact, we clean our homes so that no trace of chametz is present (or seal cabinets with chametz in it so that we can't get into it during Pesach). This observance can (and in my house does) even extend to using different dishes, silverware, kitchen utensils, pots and pans, and glasses. We also use tablecloths so that our plates and food are not touching tables that might have absorbed or been touched by chametz, and cover counters and refrigerator shelves for the same reason.

My family is less observant and when we were growing up, our matzah-eating was confined to the Seder (the ritual dinner celebrating Pesach). Now that we are older, my siblings and I are more observant and keep to the no-chametz rule (though I'm probably the most observant of the three of us).

Generally speaking, JD's family is more observant during holidays than mine is, so when we married, and because my faith motivated me to do so, I became more observant.

The Seders
The first two nights of Pesach (and I think the last one, but we never observed it) we have seders (ritual dinners). At the seder, we read from a booklet called a haggadah that guides us through the prayers and the retelling of our time as slaves in Egypt and the escape from bondage. JD's family uses a traditional haggadah, while my family uses a compilation of a traditional haggadah and a nursery school haggadah that my mom put together.

In addition to matzah, there are several other traditional Pesach foods. We eat gefilte fish, (several kinds of fish mashed up and formed into fish meatballs), with matzah and horseradish. We also have chicken soup with matzah balls. My family traditionally has brisket and potato kugel (potato pudding) as well.

On the table, as the centerpiece, will be the seder plate. This is generally a large platter with places for the symbols of Passover:

1. Salt Water (symbolizing the tears of the slaves);
2. Parsley or other leafy green (another vegetable can be used - JD's family uses canned potatoes; which we eat dipped in the salt water);
3. Hard-Boiled or Roasted Egg (a symbol of the life cycle);
4. Roasted Lamb Shank (represents the sacrifice of the lamb at the Holy Temple in Jerusalem);
5. Bitter Herbs (commonly horseradish, a reminder of the bitterness of slavery);
6. Charoset (pronounced ha-row (like a boat)-set; a mixture of diced apple, nuts, raisins and honey that symbolizes the mortar mixed to build the pyramids).

We also have a cup of wine on the table for the Prophet Elijah who is supposed to visit every seder and drink from his cup.

For me, the highlight of our family seders is the talking, joking, singing and laughing that goes on throughout the meal. Oh, and the food, let's not forget that. :)

Pesach Prep

Here's why it would pay me to be organized and post lists in my house that John Dear would read: I now have 10 boxes of matzah. Ten! And not the good kind, the drier than a stale rice cake kind that JD likes. We only went through two of those boxes last year! So now I've got a matzah overload. Will have to make matzah brei for the entire building to get rid of this.

The following is more for my memory, but I'm posting the list to make myself accountable.

Total Days till Pesach: 13

Prep List for Pesach (in the order they appear in my head)
-Figure out where we're going for seders
-Discuss with Mom and SIL what we should bring
-Make meal plan and grocery list for all of Pesach
-Arrange with BFF to take chametz
-Clean out fridge
-Clean out silverware drawer
-Kasher silverware
-Find Pesach box (with Pesach dishes, pots and pans) in big living room mess (but might be in JD's office mess)
-Clean living room after spare furniture is given away this weekend
-Clean dining room table and cover
-Clean kitchen table and cover
-Buy tablecloths
-Tape cabinets shut (blue painter's tape is in living room, I think)
-Figure out what I've got left in house to use as meal plan for week before Pesach to use chametz (BFF gets what's left).
-Check if I need Pesach cooking utensils (might be in Pesach box)
-Pull unopened sugar and tea packages for use during Pesach (Rabbi says OK to use)
-Wash all dirty dishes and empty dishwasher before taping up cabinets!! (Lesson from experience)
-Figure out whether I need to cover kitchen counters or if I can just clean them
-No food in outer rooms after this Friday - make sure to remind JD about this on Monday morning
-Check if I need foil pans for kugels
-Redo clothing organization diagrams for JD and hang up (this has nothing to do with Pesach, just came to me)
-Clean oven and stove
-After turning kitchen, clean new crockpot for use during Pesach
-Big food processer is still kosher for passover; stop worrying about it
-Need (shoot! Computer crashed and now I don't know).

Deep Thoughts - The James Joyce Version

Not enough to merit separate posts, so here's a bunch of little stuff together.

--John Dear and I drove up to NY this weekend to visit his aunt and uncle and we had a nice time. Saw Hair. I'm glad I saw it, but I didn't really enjoy it. Voices were gorgeous, but you couldn't understand the words and the songs were not memorable (except for "Aquarius" cause up until an age that I will not mention because it is embarrassing I thought that the song was about my mom because she's an Aquarius). The nudity was not artistic as I believe was the case when the show first came out, it just seems gratuitous now. Just, OK everyone, strip!

--Incidentally, this was my first look at an/many un.circ'd you-know-whats. Looked odd to me. When I mentioned this to JD, his response was, "Um, I really wasn't looking that closely."

--Also, the naked human body is a beautiful thing, but there was a whole lot of not-beautiful (male and female) going on.

--Been off my pills for three days because I couldn't find them. Thought I had left them in my office desk drawer, but it turns out that I had put them in my new toothbrush bag (dentist has me brushing and using prescription-strength Listerine-type stuff after breakfast, which I keep in a bag that goes in my work bag) so the pills were with me all along, I just hadn't looked closely in the bag. Emotional freakouts occurred late last night (partially attributed to low blood sugar) and this morning, but I figure they will go as soon as the pills kick in.

--Took JD's car to work today since he volunteered to take my car in for an oil change. Also took my car keys with me, so JD is home all day with no car. That and the ensuing parade of horribles (he's got no car, no job, he's not going to do anything all day but play the effing computer, he's such a f*ckup) were the emotional freakout this morning.

--In order to be emotionally honest, I told him with the caveat that without the pills there was no real voice of moderation in my head, that I almost felt like he should just take any job so that I wouldn't hate him for not doing anything. (And it's not that he's not doing anything, just that the house is so bad and he's doing the bare minimum. And he says it's that he doesn't know what to do or that he needs my help for what goes where or what to throw away/giveaway and I'm like be an adult, suck it up and just do it). SO, I gave him a rundown on things that needed to be accomplished and didn't require a car; hopefully, he'll do some of those.

Got to the end of that?! Nice job. Understood it? You get a gold star!!

Nothing Doing

Nothing really going on here, so I haven't been posting.

Last weekend, John Dear took me for a belated birthday mini-break to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. It was grey, rainy and cold. We wound up having a nice time, though. We talked through a lot of kid things and how JD would establish a connection with our kids, even though he would not have a genetic bond with them. I believe that as soon as the kid is born, he'll feel a bond with them, but I'm trying to help JD work through his anxieties.

It is difficult to be emotionally honest, but things have been a lot better since I have been practicing it. During yoga, my vision during meditation was of a photo of JD and I laughing into the camera with two kids in strollers. Things are going well.

Sober

Or something like that. I've now taken my pills for 2 days in a row.

Yeah, I figured out that the Lifetime movie rant-style that I was doing was due to an over-absorption of serotonin in my system. So, while I've got problems (don't we all?) it doesn't seem so dire now.

So, I'm listening to this very apt and funny song from Avenue Q, "It Sucks to Be Me." Take a look and a listen...

Letting It Out

I have to vent and it's a lot of pain and I'm just trying to get it out and I publish everything I write, so I couldn't just save it.
___________________________________

I hate everyone and everything. Eff you, eff you, and eff you. You f--king people with your "problems" and your bitching and your whining. Eff you.

Is this what life really is? I am in emotional pain every moment of every day. I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but the idea of not being in pain is extremely appealing. I cannot believe that everyone else goes through this. How do you do this and not be a complete wreck like me? What is it that I'm doing wrong?

I don't think we're infertile anymore. How can we be infertile if we're not doing anything to get pregnant? I just think about time passing us by, me by, and the tears spill. In May, it'll be 2 years. Two f--king years.

But what does that matter? We probably won't have children. Hell, we may not even stay married. Our marriage is who knows where and everything in my life is on hold.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

Apparently, I Can't Handle the Truth

This past Friday, Fairy G-dmother and I worked on my issues with being completely honest with John Dear (for more on the issues, see yesterday's post here).

We started off our session with a reading from a book of John Gray (of Mars & Venus fame). I found the reading extremely helpful and if the copyright powers that be will permit me, I'd like to quote some meaningful sections here.

From Feelings First by John Gray (1984):

The Essential Key to Love: Telling the Complete Truth

You must be able to share and express the complete truth about yourself and your feelings.

Telling the complete truth is different from being honest or not lying. Many times you tell the truth but leave out the important parts -- your feelings.

---

The Warning Signs
There are four warning signs in every relationship that signal when the emotional connection is weakening and you are proceeding rapidly towards the loss of love in that relationship.

1. Resistance
2. Resentment
3. Rejection
4. Repression

---

Resistance -- In any normal human relationship there will be certain levels of resistance between two people. Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You start criticizing them in your mind, and you may notice yourself pulling away a little bit. The way most people handle Resistance is to ignore it and pretend it's not there, e.g., "Oh, it's no big deal."

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance. It is intense dislike and blame of the other person for what they are doing. Resentment is usually accompanied by an internal experience of anger and tension. You are separating from your partner emotionally. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of stage two, Resentment.

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.

Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away. You may leave the room, you might storm out of the house, or you might just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person or pay attention to them.

The signs of Rejection are: not wanting to be with your partner; always polarizing with whatever point of view they take; fantasizing about other people or having affairs. Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. You cannot be near or relate to your partner without feeling all of your accumulated tension and resentment, so you just push them away in order to get some relief. During this stage, your [se.x] life will deteriorate tremendously if it hasn't already. If you end a relationship while it is in the Rejection stage, the breakup will be painful and bitter.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of Rejection and resolve them with your partner, your Rejection builds up and turns into the next level of separation, Repression.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four R's. It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to 'keep the peace' for the sake of the family or to look good to the world. Repression is a state of emotional numbness. You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable. The numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring. You may feel physically tired much of the time.

Some people are such experts at repressing their feelings that they move automatically from Resistance right down to Repression in a few moments without even realizing what they are doing.

---

Every time you express the complete truth about your feelings and get back to the love inside, you are increasing your ability to love. Every time you
suppress the complete truth and automatically repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

Couch Time

Not only am I the crazily funny, yet funnily crazy whackadoo that you've all come to know and love, I am also a lying liar who lies. Before getting up in arms, sit a spell and I'll 'splain this.

When I was young, my father was a (how should I put this?) volatile figure. Frequent and unexplained mood changes, rages, and the like. Imagine the textbook behavior of an alcoholic, but no alcohol, solely emotional mindscrewing. I developed into the textbook child of an alcoholic -- someone who ranks all of their needs last (if at all) and willing to do or say anything to please their loved one. Essentially, a liar.

Here's the problem with that. Well, a problem with that. How do you (John Dear) rely on a spouse (Jendeis) when they play emotional three-card monte with you? Sure, it's nice to know that they are trying to please you and make you happy, but their behavior is not conducive to secure feelings about the state of your relationship. Add in the fact that your mind (JD's) doesn't really unravel emotional issues so well and you get "a full on Monet," something that looks fine at first glance, but up close is a big ol' mess.

So, that's what we're working on now. Baby stuff (having one, doing treatments, whether or not to use donor sperm) is all on hold until "we" feel "we" can be honest with one another.

Honestly? I'm 85% in (committed, stay together, have a family), 5% out (as in, this is too hard, it shouldn't be so damn hard) and 10% ida know, I'll do whatever you tell me to do.

More on the importance of emotional honesty tomorrow...

Lem 'n' Ada

Does anyone else remember the Strawberry Shortcake cartoons? I had a Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag when I was little and I loved it to death. My friend had some of the dolls and they smelled like cakes and pastries!

Jess from Life in the White House tagged me with the Lemonade Stand Award!

This one is for those who use the lemons in their lives to make lemonade, or who help do the same for others.

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:
1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.
2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

This blog has made the rounds of the IF community, so I'd like to take the chance to nominate some bloggers who inspire me outside of the family-building sphere.

What Was I Thinking?
Ima On (and Off) the Bima
Baking and Books
The Meatless Chulent
Juggling Frogs
The Rebbetzin's Husband
Jew Wishes
Leah in ChicagoAccidentally Jewish
The Simple Cajun Life
Bake at 350

24 - Gotta Love It

The following post discusses last night's episodes of 24, so if you don't want to be spoilered, look away, look away!

---

OH MAH GAWSH! What an exciting two hours. They are finally bringing back the suspense.

My only problem with the episodes last night is that the writers seem to be pulling ideas from other books and movies. Not an original thought left, I guess. For example:

• Underwater divers swimming through dark waters to gain secret entrance to a location -- seen in The Rock
• President being locked into underground bunker while terrorists take over the White House and try to break in -- seen in Vince Flynn's excellent novel, Transfer of Power
• Lone agent and important personage (here, Aaron Pierce and Olivia Taylor) hiding from terrorists in the White House -- also seen in Transfer of Power
• President is punched for speaking impudently to terrorists -- seen in Air Force One

These were just an example. Can you come up with any others?

Snow Day Birth Day

32. Thirty freaking two. I think I'm a grownup now.

At least it's a snow day. :)