Thursday, March 12, 2009

Letting It Out

I have to vent and it's a lot of pain and I'm just trying to get it out and I publish everything I write, so I couldn't just save it.
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I hate everyone and everything. Eff you, eff you, and eff you. You f--king people with your "problems" and your bitching and your whining. Eff you.

Is this what life really is? I am in emotional pain every moment of every day. I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but the idea of not being in pain is extremely appealing. I cannot believe that everyone else goes through this. How do you do this and not be a complete wreck like me? What is it that I'm doing wrong?

I don't think we're infertile anymore. How can we be infertile if we're not doing anything to get pregnant? I just think about time passing us by, me by, and the tears spill. In May, it'll be 2 years. Two f--king years.

But what does that matter? We probably won't have children. Hell, we may not even stay married. Our marriage is who knows where and everything in my life is on hold.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

28 comments:

FunkyFrum said...

Oh sweetie, I hope it gets better soon. If anyone deserves it, it is you.

Jill said...

It will get better. It might get worse first, and it might not be for a while, but it will get better eventually. And you will be a better person because of the pain you are going through right now. Sounds like a bunch of crap, I know, but I also know it to be true. Sending lots of hugs!

awakeintheworld said...

I am so, so sorry.
I am so sorry.

Jen said...

I'm sorry. Sending hugs.

A Few Good Sperm said...

I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there and I understand. Somehow you can get through this, I know you can! I get most depressed when I think too far ahead in the future (about all the "what if's"), so all I can suggest is take it one step at a time and soon things will get better.

Io said...

Shit, and here I just flippantly posted about my "problems" so on the off chance it contributed to making you pissed off, I'm sorry :(

I wish I could take some of your pain.

Fertilized said...

I hate this for you. I am so sorry

Jen said...

Oh hon. It sounds like things are more than just rough right now. I'm sending lots of (((Hugs))).

Almamay said...

Oh Jendeis, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I could really relate to your post. In fact I feel I could have written what you said a few times myself. I've been in that place, it's awful. I know there is nothing I can say so I'll just send you a (((hug)))

Shelby said...

Lots and lots of hugs coming your way. I just hope things start to look up soon. Love ya Jendeis!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I know you're angry right now and you are probably shaking after writing this. So I'm just giving you a hug. No good words.

Anonymous said...

Well. that is a very honest post- and you have been working on honesty! So A+ to you!

But seriously, I love and support you. I am not sure what triggered this, but i hope you are OK.

And I hate everyone and everythingtoo. We all do!

BFF

Lorza said...

I am so sorry. {{HUGS}} I can't say anything to help, but just know that I feel for you. I had a recent vent, and now it seems to trivial after reading your vent.

I am glad you are getting your feelings out- that is cathartic for me.

Good luck!!

Leah said...

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry you have been hurting for so long. I'm here if you need a distraction. xo

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I've felt these feelings many, many times recently. Everything can be so f'ed up all at once and it sucks. I'm sorry!

Dagny said...

Yep.

Been there.

36 months for me next month. I never, ever thought this would be me. I'm angry. For all of us.

It sucks.

I'm sorry. :(

xoxo

nancy said...

I don't know the right words to respond with. So just know I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry you feel so terrible. ~hugs~

A Decade of BFNs said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. (((((((huggs)))))))

Hillary said...

((hugs)) I am so sorry :(

Miss Schlegel said...

I know exactly where you're at. Exactly. It's horrible. I'm so sorry.

Liddy said...

Oh honey. HUGS to you!

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Email me if you want to talk.

Geohde said...

Jenedis,

I'll tell you a small secret. Every day I wonder just how it is the rest of the world look so generally happy and like they've got their shit together.



xx

J

cdone said...

It sucks. It all really fucking sucks.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm sorry and wish I could offer more than just words. I too wonder whether everyone is going through the same kind of sh*t and just handling it better or whether I've just been given a really huge pile of it. Sending you hugs and support.

Me said...

I really do understand. Remember that the darkest part of the night is just before the dawn.

theclam said...

Words don't suffice when faced with this. Just know that I'm sending you love and support right now.

Be good to yourself.

xxx

Sassy said...

I'm so sorry. Please know you're not alone. *hug*

luna said...

jendeis, so sorry you are in such pain and anguish. wishing you some strength.