Treatment

Ever since my MIL mentioned the possibility of JD being hospitalized, I've been turning it over and over in my mind. Maybe JD needs more than just a change in medication and to find a part-time job. Maybe he needs to go to an inpatient treatment center for depression and chronic pain.

Or, maybe I watch too much "Intervention."

I broached the possibility with JD this morning over a quick phone call; just to say that it was something that I had thought about this weekend, and maybe we should look into it. He was indifferent, but said that right now, he's indifferent about everything, so maybe he's not the best judge. I said that what we're doing right now, obviously isn't working, so even if we decide this isn't the right thing for him and for us, at least we should look into it.

So, I looked up a couple of places online and now I'm at work worrying something that I never have before about JD's behavior -- whether or not he's suicidal right now, and whether he'll try to hurt himself while I'm not around.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I've been on vacation and so have taken a break from blogging. Now, after reading the 1000+ posts sitting in my reader (man, have you been busy!), I'm ready to rejoin the world.

The Highlights
-To start our vacation, JD and I went to a joint session with our therapists, this session will forever more be known as the "Sha Na Na Session" (aka the "Get a Job Session").* JD felt ganged up on, but I have no sympathy left and my impression of our therapists was that they have very little as well.

-JD and I had a very nice vacation at the beach. We only went to the beach one day, because both of us got burns. (I got burned where I missed sunblock coverage; JD got burned because he wouldn't get fully under the umbrella). We covered ourselves in aloe vera gel the rest of the week.

-I had the best massage of my life!! My back's been hurting me for the last month or so (a result of gaining so much weight in so little time), and after 5 minutes of massage, I didn't have any pain. If you ever travel around Bethany Beach, Delaware, please contact me for the greatest masseurs in the world.

-JD and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary in style by having breakfast at Bob Evans, cause we're classy like that. We did some book shopping and went out to dinner at a local country club. We picked the place because it reminded us of eating at Roy Yamaguchi's restaurant in Ko Olina on Oahu, but it was not the same thing. We'll go for different next year.

-After a week at the beach, I traveled with BFF to Las Vegas. She was going for work and we had a great time hanging out and observing court. It was nice to get real one-on-one time with her, learn more about her job and see some strong arguments of unconstitutional doings in the courts. I gambled a total of $1. I lost it all. I know, I'm such a risk taker.

The Lowlights
-I wound up gaining some weight back, putting me way over where I need to be for the IUIs. Given the scheduling of my vacation, done when I thought my cycle would be regular, it's almost like I set myself up for failure. Since I got back from Vegas (Wednesday), I've cut out carbs, seriously trimmed my portions and been exercising every day. Hopefully, I'll be close enough to the limit when I go in (likely this week) that they'll still let us go forward.

-This intense pressure to lose weight so that we don't lose another month/opportunity has not been great for my mental status.

-JD's depression is in overdrive. My MIL confided in me yesterday that while I was in Vegas, he was the worst that he's been in a long time and that she was worried that he would need to be hospitalized. Maybe that's not a bad idea. There has been talk of having JD switch meds. I just hope that the doctors come up with something that works and soon.

*Did you know that Sha Na Na performed at Woodstock? Me neither.

I Forgot

Forgot to mention that my period started yesterday afternoon. That may explain a teeny, tiny part of the craziness that's been goin' on 'round these parts for the last week.

I think that I've never been so happy for a CD 1.

Now, that it's CD 2, I'm remembering it's been a while since my last "regular" period and it seems that I've forgotten that periods are an absolute pain in the arse.

Wanting to kill people.
Re-remembering that I need to lose 7 more pounds to do Round #2
Depression.
Wanting to kill people.
Cramps.
Wanting to kill people.
Digestive issues.
Coming close to actually killing people.

She's dangerous, folks! You there, spending more than 30 seconds standing in place, saying "ooh, that looks good" while in line at the La Madeline counter -- whatta ya got a death wish or something! MOVE!!

To sum up, it's yay for CD 1, I need to lose 7 pounds in the next two weeks so that we can start Round #2, and don't stand in front of me in a food line unless you want to lose your life.

Quick Kills

The day is hardly begun and yet I've experienced this feeling twice. Two twisted knives in the heart, a pain so fast and hard, you draw in a quick breath. A pregnant woman at the bagel shop, so put together, so beautiful. I hate her. A check on a blogger I haven't heard from in a while. She's pregnant, in her second trimester. I hate her.

I hate these women. I hate any woman who has what I want. It seems like every pregnant woman and woman with a child is just flaunting it in front of me.

I've also been on the receiving end of some thoughtless comments in real life from people who should know better. People who have been through the pain of infertility themselves and/or know what I'm going through.

I hate who I've become. I'm worried that this is who I am now, and that I'll be this way forever.

Still Waiting

Got back late last night from a relaxing weekend at the beach. We spent all day at the beach on Saturday and even went into the water. It was so cold, but very little waves. JD and I both did a lot of reading and each of us finished one book and we also finished the audiobook that we had been listening to.

My sister brought her new boyfriend along, and I was excited to meet him. He was really nice and very funny. They made dinner for us on Saturday night and the food (burgers and corn on the grill) was fantastic! She was smiling the whole time that she was around him and I am very happy for her.

Still waiting for my period so we can get on this roller coaster again. This waiting-in-line ride stinks. The good thing about it not coming earlier is that now I don't have to worry that I'll be ovulating while on vacation. I'm just trying to use this time to take care of myself: eat healthfully, exercise on a daily basis and get plenty of sleep.

Stockpile

Amidst the negative things going on in our world (JD got a ticket yesterday for driving the wrong way down a one-way street (he was mixed up from a detour and got lost), and today he hit a car while he was backing up out of a parking space (everyone is fine, just cosmetic damage to the other guy's car)), some good things are actually going on.

I've been concerned about the number of vials of donor s.pe.rm that we have stored up. This concern has only increased with the miscarriage. DS is a commodity and our donor is a very, very hot commodity. Since we do back-to-back IUIs, we'll use 2 vials in every cycle, successful or not. When you would like more than 1 kid and don't know how many cycles it will take to get those kids, you want to store as many vials as you possibly can.

Today, we got a call from the bank that they were offering 5 (!) vials of our preferred type (they come in 3 types: ICI, IUI and IVF; our clinic prefers ICI, i.e., unwashed samples). That's the most they've ever offered us and I'm so excited! Luckily and gratefully, we were able to buy them all.*

We now have 10 vials in our stockpile and I feel like this is a good number to have. That with 10 vials, I can relax and trust that JD and I will be able to have the family that we've dreamed of for so long.


*Our bank offers a buyback provision of 50% back for vials that haven't left their storage facility. So, if we ultimately decide not to use some of the vials, we won't be out for all the money we paid.

Didn't Wanna

I didn't wanna get up. I didn't wanna exercise.

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to just get up and go to work.

But I didn't.

I got up. I walked for 30 minutes. I listened to the second half of the C-SPAN podcast that I listened to on Tuesday.

Go me!

Back on the Wagon

Remember how my clinic has a BMI limit in order to do treatments (44 for IUI; 42 for IVF)?

Remember how I changed my eating habits, started exercising regularly, did yoga and acupuncture and even did a detox diet to get down to the limit?

Remember how I was successful at that?

I wound up losing about 25 pounds between June 2008 and March 2009. I gained it all back within 3 months, so at the time of the miscarriage I was back to the starting point. I gained it all back because I allowed myself "some slack" (read: ate everything in sight and stopped exercising regularly). I don't do well with slack.

I'm back on the wagon now. I'm exercising daily (getting up early and walking for 30 minutes) and I'm eating healthfully. For me, I've found the easiest way to get back to eating healthfully is to change what I eat for breakfast. Instead of egg and cheese on a bagel/toast with a cup of coffee, I switch to Fage (Greek yogurt) with berries and nuts with a cup of tea.

What I eat for dinner has generally not been a problem, I eat pretty healthfully at dinner most days. I just try to make an extra effort to incorporate more veggies into whatever entree we're having.

Snacking has also not been a problem for me. I usually only have a snack in the late afternoon, and that's a cup of tea. If I need more, I'll have a Luna bar or a piece of fruit/veggies and some nuts.

Lunch is hard for me to change. I love sandwiches. Love them. Love, love, love them. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm just yielding myself to the fact that I have to eat a salad at lunch. A big salad with lots of veggies and a chicken breast or salmon fillet, but nonetheless, a salad. I'll have a cup of broth-based soup (chicken or vegetable) to go with it too.

The other thing that I'm doing is logging my food and my exercise. Once I've got the log more established, I'll show you what I'm doing.

I've already lost 6 pounds and I only have 7 more to go to get to the IUI limit. Of course, I'm hoping that all my healthy choices equal more pounds lost, so that I never have to go through this BS again, but we're thinking baby steps here.

Leaves & Twigs

Drifting ever more towards the crunchy side of things, I decided to buy one of the herbal tea formulas sold by my alternative fertility therapy place. Since I'm trying to get my cycle to come, I chose the appropriately named formula, Cleanse.

Suggested use: Use before or between cycles, or after a failed cycle.

What it's got:

Chamomile: Calms nervousness. Good digestive aid. Anti-inflammatory.

Milk Thistle Seeds: Liver and gall bladder support. Aids in the elimination of toxins.

Dandelion Root: Gentle diuretic. Liver, gall bladder and blood purifier.

Peppermint: Aids digestion. Anti-spasmodic. Expectorant and decongestant.

Organic Red Clover: Blood and liver purifier. Improves circulation.

Chrysanthemum: Clears and calms liver.

Lemon peel: flavoring.

I've had this tea before after acupuncture sessions, and I like it. To me, the chamomile flavor is pretty strong, but the peppermint gives it a nice bite.

I figure I'm theeees close to growing dreads, donning a hemp-fiber dress, Birkenstocks and naming myself "Moonglow."

Relaxation

Trying to find it. Today was about trying to find relaxation. Woke up early, had a nice shower, shaved and dressed quickly to get out of the house. Stopped at my fave bagel place for a sandwich and some coffee and drove up to my acupuncture appointment.


I've been concerned that I haven't gotten my period yet, as the timing is getting in the way of my vacation plans. I've been told that the first period after a miscarriage doesn't really follow normal cycle dates, but I'm trying to plan stuff here, people!

My acupuncturist was able to work on some areas that she said will promote my period coming. She also used some electrodes and heat to help the process. I hope that it helps; it was helpful to just lie back and focus on the image of ocean waves - taking away all bad things and cleansing me, and bringing in good things and relaxation.

I squeezed in a pedicure and then John Dear and I were off to Philly to pay a call on my sister-in-law's family (her brother passed away last week). I'm hoping that we don't get back too late tomorrow night, but I just want to be a help to my brother and sister-in-law.