Thursday, June 3, 2010

19 Weeks and the Ongoing Saga That Is JD's Search for a Job

Nothing really going on here, so I haven't felt that much motivation to update.  My nurse insists that what I think is gas is actually the baby.  I think that at least half of what I think is gas is, in fact, actually gas.  Who knows?

I'm still on the Zofran pump, but I'm in the middle of weaning off of it.  I seem to be doing ok on the weaning, so hopefully that continues and I can get off the pump soon.

JD is still without employment or a plan.  Some history: JD told me (in response to questioning, at some point in the last year) that he was happiest and most fulfilled in terms of work when he was programming, as opposed to the more computer administration stuff that he's been doing for the last several years.  To me, that says that what JD should be doing is programming.  Find the work that makes you happy.

Now, in our area, in order to find a job as a programmer, you need to know and have experience in Java.  JD does not have this.  Why?  1) He says that Java is a stupid, inefficient language.  2) He doesn't want to go to school anymore, he doesn't want to be graded, he doesn't want to be "judged" (his words).

Here's my trying to answer as rationally as possible to his BS:
1) If all you speak is Latin and everyone else in the world speaks English, wouldn't it make sense to learn English so that you could communicate with others?  I told JD that it was as if his college degree was in being a Roman gladiator.  Well, there are no more jobs available for Roman gladiators, so you've gotta do something about that.

2) There are few jobs or even kinds of jobs available that don't require some type of continuing education or need to learn new skills or improve upon current skills in your life.  Really, I think that if you foreclose any job that would require new learning, you limit yourself to retail.  I don't think that JD would enjoy or even be successful at a job in retail, but assuming that's what he wants to do, fine.  Now, apply for jobs.

After meeting with his therapist yesterday, JD came up with another reason for not taking a class: "It's not that you need to know Java, it's that you need to have work experience with Java."

OK, well, you're not going to get any work experience with Java if you don't freakin' know it, so why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?

He seemed yesterday as if he was on the precipice of agreeing to sign up for classes.  This morning, he said that he would be doing job searching today and when I asked about the classes, he said that he was still thinking about it.  When I asked what his therapist had said, JD told me that his therapist thinks he should "volunteer and network to figure out what he [JD] wants to do."  This is utter BS.  JD knows what he wants to do.  He wants to do nothing all day long.

As my Fairy Godmother once told me, "The problem with responding to JD in a rational manner is that he is not in his rational brain.  This is all emotional stuff for him."  But what do I do?  Rant and scream and cry?  That doesn't change his lazy, irresponsible ass either!

Any suggestions/comments you might have would be appreciated.


Jen B said...

I think I would have to ask myself, "How would I feel if JD never had a job again?"

"If so, is he capable of being a good stay at home dad?"

And most importantly, "Would I still be happy being married to him?"

To be frank, unless you have this situation buttoned up soon, things are going to get a lot worse.

Your baby is going to need you. If your husband isn't going to support you or the baby--in any capacity--then you need to get some answers and make a decision NOW. The time for pussyfooting around is over.

I know you have said JD has some issues BUT as a wife and a mother, you need someone who is going to be there for you. This is not a time for a father-to-be to go on a self discovery journey.

I don't know if you are merely venting or really need help.
I don't say these words flippantly. This is a very personal decision and you only can decide what your life will be about.

foxypopcorn said...

It is really hard having an unemployed husband. I know. It's been almost two years for us, and we think it will be at least a year until his industry recovers.. Unfortunately I don't have any advice or suggestions. I do have to give my husband some big props for being a pretty stellar house husband. If he is going to be at home, he'd better be doing all those home things!

On the other hand, I have a girlfriend who is finalizing her divorce to her husband who couldn't seem to keep a job, and got really depressed. It wasn't a life that she wanted. I am so sad for her, but she is happier than I've seen her in years.

I liked Jen's comment above about if you would feel if he didn't get a job. I've kind of decided that in our situation it would be okay with me and I think he would be a great stay at home dad (if we ever get there). But that is just us.

In any case, it sounds like you are feeling better! take care.

Me said...

Honestly, my husband's new old job and his new new job were both a consequence of ME sending his resume out. I literally spent two or three solid days over a few week period doing nothing but researching companies and getting HR contact info and sending his resume out via email and fax. I know it's sad that I had to do that, and I was uber annoyed at the time, but now that he's employed I honestly don't even care. I'm just glad he's working.

MrsSpock said...

I think if he hasn't become self-motivated by this point, it will likely not happen. There's nothing you can really do to change that. How do you feel about continuing to support him? If he remains unemployed, will he stay home and care for your child, or will he stay home while your child is at day care? How do you feel about both of those possibilities? Is he still contributing to your family and household in other ways even though he is not employed?

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, Jendeis! Frustration, ahoy!

I sort of agree with Jen - that now is not the time for networking. You probably nailed when you said that he knows what he wants to do, and that's nothing. So the question really is: can you handle that? Or maybe more precisely: what are you willing to live with?

Your fairy godmother seems to have had some good clarity about this, too - seems unlikely that you can reason him into changing. Whether you can do anything on the emotional side to support him in finding work or making the necessary changes - I guess that's the crux of the matter.

No real answers here. Just glad to hear from you and hope the zofran weaning is successful. And yay for 19 weeks!

Big hugs to you!

Liddy said...

Ooh tough spot.

Are you sure you were not writing about my husband? Are JD and E twins? E is exactly the same way. And Me (the commentator), I did the same thing- applying for jobs and searching out HR contacts- right now seeing that in a few months my husband will be without a job.

I am a strong believer of doing what you love, but if that is sitting on your butt doing nothing- than that is not a good option. And I am going to get pissed. I have this strange feeling that E will be doing this very shortly- saying that he wants to 'recover' and 'prepare'. I will be left towing the line.

And E too has that feeling of being judged while taking classes and he gets a 4.0 his last two semesters of college- WTF? Sorry soapbox there.

There is a question of willingness here, while you will have to answer what you are willing to do. I had to answer this, I was willing to apply for jobs for my husband and look for jobs for him, network for him- this got him a HUGE lead that he did not act upon. I was willing to take on more work (I do NOT recommend you do this) to make up the missing monies. I was willing to clean the house, cook dinner, do dishes, wash the laundry, and do all the other house work- while working a full-time job.

If there is an end in sight (the arrival of your and JD's baby, E's store closing)- what possesses them to not be able to see the whole clear picture? This really hits home with me.

Know that you can always give me a call to talk. I will listen. Take good care of yourself. Many many HUGS!

Orodemniades said...

Mr Oro is a programmer. It's all he's ever done, it's what makes him happiest, he has utterly no interest in doing anything else, ever.

Having said that, my husband knows something in the area of 20+ languages. When he needs to learn a new one, he doesn't take a class, he buys a book in the requisite are, studies the various communities online, experiments. If your hubster wants any advice (Mr Oro will probably commiserate on the Java), feel free to send me an email and I'll pass it on.

Orodemniades said...

Forgot to add that Mr Oro works in the oil industry but has been mostly unemployed since we moved to the US. So, it's been nearly 5 years.

sonja said...

I agree with Mrs. Spock's comment ... if he isn't self-motivated by this point, he is unlikely to become self-motivated. If you think he would make an awesome stay at home dad, then maybe that is the best plan for both of you? It allows you to remove this stress from the equation. However, if he would just sit at home and not really take care of chores and the baby the way you'd want you could be in for a serious problem. He has to do something, and that something could be a lot of different options, but he has to pick one and be productive at it to support you and your child.

sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Quiet Dreams said...

So glad you're feeling better and I hope you get to lose that pump! :)

We cannot control what other people do or don't do. All we can control is ourselves and our responses to others.


Anonymous said...

My degree is in Computer information systems. Which is a cute way to say business with a little computers. I detest programming per se, but lots of jobs require some language or another.

OJT Baby!!
On the Job Training. It is what I did and if he won't take classes, it's what he will have to do as well. Now I know SQL and PeopleCode.

Suck it up, Buttercup! You got a baby to pay for!

Anonymous said...

It seems that your husband is very confused about his life goals. Is he happily married? Is he excited about the baby or is he "acting-out" because it is not his desire to have a child by a sperm donor? Only he knows the answers to these questions. If his job tenure deteriorated since you have been married there may be issues within the marriage that have not been addressed. A strong and happy marriage may encourage him to better himself. If he is not excited about finding a job, he may not be excited about the new baby. I realize this may be very blunt advice but the more you push foward, the more he seems to rebel in his duties as a husband...

Possibly eliminate the therapists for a bit and just talk to each other. Really listen and see why he isn't happy. Surely he was happy while you were dating. You need to find the reason he is so depressed.

Good Luck!!

SassyCupcakes said...

Firstly, I'm so glad you are finally feeling better and are weaning off the pump.

Secondly, I'm sorry that you're going through this crap with JD now. This is so hard. Honestly, I couldn't stay married to JD as you've described him. I'd be the bitch that gives the ultimatum to either find a job or move out. It's one thing if you've both agreed that he's going to stay home and take care of the baby and the house, but if you need him to get a job to support his family then that's what he should be doing, Java or no Java.

Tomorrow my husband will be sitting an exam after work which includes Java. It's bullshit, he didn't need to study for the whole unit, but it's part of his Uni degree that he wants to do so he can possibly get an MBA one day. It sucks, it's boring, but he does it because that's what needs to be done. My husband is no super hero. But he does what needs to be done. If learning Java is what JD needs to do to get a job, then he should be doing it right now. Buy a book and start reading if nothing else.

But if you're right and he doesn't want to work, I think the other commenters are right in that you need to decide if that's something you can live with. I couldn't. But you are infinitely more patient and understanding than I am. You deserve to be happy in your life and your marriage. I know it's soo much more complicated than that, but if things need to change, then they need to change.

~Jess said...

Glad you're feeling better!

I'm with everyone else on this. JD needs to suck it up...we all have to do things in like that we don't like or feel stupid because we don't know how, but we deal. Hiding at home and mopping around isn't going to change that and sure as anything it's going to drive you nuts.

If JD is not willing to be a SAHD, then he needs to get his butt employed. If he is, then maybe that's something he can do instead, but if you think he would do the minimum care for your child while freeloading at home, then that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.

Hang in there sweetie! Oh, and I'm thinking that what you're feeling is the baby too :-)

foxy said...

Hi again,
I keep thinking about you and this post. There is so much honesty in the post, and in the conversation that it elicited. I hope that you are handling it all okay. I actually felt kind of bad after my earlier post for mentioning the D word. I've always been a strong believer that other people's relationships are just that - theirs. And that I can never really understand the complexities of other couples love for one another. And above all else I believe in love, and your ability to know what is best for you and your family.

It's been a few days and I just wanted to check in and let you know that you've been on my mind.

Delenn said...

My husband is a programmer and is currently using Java (which is doesn't really like, but he wanted the job). He took a pay cut so that he could take the job (to get out a nasty situation at his old job), with the proviso that he would get promoted (since he had tons of experience programming) once he took a Java standardized test and headed a project with Java. He has minimally studied for the test and is intending to take it. It can be done--if one has the ambition to do so.

However, I am with others on here--the way you have described JD here and in other posts--he needs a good swift kick in the ass or he is outta here! ;-)

Give me a shout out if you have any questions about programmer stuff on Java...

mckala7 said...

I've read a few of your posts... you are HYSTERICAL. I hope JD figures out his shiznit. I had to browbeat my hubby for 4 months before he finally realized he either needed to work two jobs or get a higher paying job because he was making half as much as I was and we already have two kids. So, I feel your pain.