The End and The Beginning

Back from vacation in sunny FL, which was a study in contrasts. Relaxation and rancor. Reading and resentment.

Why is it that we chose the dead of winter as our time to look back? Wouldn't it be more appropriate in spring when everything is reborn? Or in the fall when our efforts come to fruition, to harvest?

But maybe, our forebears were not so far off. Maybe it is only now, when everything is still and quiet, turned in against the cold, can such reflection take place. Maybe, right now, in "the dark, sacred night" is when we can turn to each other and commit ourselves, again.

I never dreamed that marriage would be a rededication each day. Will you stay? And again, as the day before and the day before that, I say yes.

I was afraid to say the words out loud because they can never be unsaid. But tonight, I told John Dear what he needed to hear. That I'm sad. And scared. And I don't know that we should even be discussing trying to bring a child into the world when we may not stay together.

So, we talked. And we cried. And talked some more. And we've committed ourselves to one another, again.

This year will start for us with eyes open and with hope.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Positive Thoughts

Hi y'all! I'm in a much better mood today. Hooray! John Dear and I are having an on-going discussion of a magical power. John Dear's requested power is the power to kill without consequences (we had just gone through a horrendous commute and dealt with idiocy at the pharmacy). He would like death to be the default, so that you have to show him an affirmative reason why he should not kill you. For example, most politicians would not be able to give JD a good reason, so they would be killed.

I like that power, but think that resurrection capability should be standard, because everybody makes mistakes. JD thinks that the power doesn't work that way, but I told him that I'm making this power up, so now it does work that way. And I've read way more Harry Potter so I know how this works. Accio Christmas cookies!

The Hall of Whining

What follows is a list of things I currently want to whine about. Take it with a grain (or an entire shaker) of salt.

• My throat hurts.
• Someone is burning a gingerbread candle that used to smell good, but now makes the whole office smell like old and used-up car deodorizer.
• Everyone on the IF blogs is pregnant or has children. Oh, except for me, that is. How does that work exactly? (It's not that I don't enjoy and love reading these women's (and some men's) blogs, and I am truly overjoyed that those announcing pregnancies are getting their wishes, but jeez).
• John Dear is a bum*. He says that he loves me, but really he just wants a nurse/mother/servant. Those last statements were really not contradicted by him in counselling yesterday. This confirms his bum-osity.
• JD had a "fall" in physical therapy today and so, did not go into work. Because he is an irresponsible bum, he does not have contact information for any co-workers and so could not tell anyone that he would not be showing up at work today. As I expressed in counselling yesterday, I am worried that he will be fired. Yet AGAIN.
• Did OPK, which turned up negative. Basically expected. But really, what's the point? It's not like JD is likely to "complete the transaction" anyways.
• I have too many things to do!!!
• TiVo won't let me watch any of the premium channels we pay for. I need to call them up and fix this, but don't have time. (Oh, if you've gotten this far and know anything about TiVo and have hints, please let me know.)
• Whaa, waaa, waa. Nyah. Bleaaa.

*By "bum" I do not mean the common definition of a homeless idler, but instead refer to the biggest insult among my brother, sister and I when we were little. As in, "Jendeis is reading MY magazine! She's a bum!"

The Last to Know

Have you ever wanted to know what exactly is that green drink that they call Superfood? (Dmarie has been making it herself this past month). Just me who wants to know? Well, I'm telling anyways, because I just found out on a blog that I was reading for What Works for Me Wednesday (which you should really check out if you haven't yet).

Smooth and sweet, this gushing garden gulp is a blend of sweet apple juice and luscious purees of peach, mango, strawberry and banana, expertly blended with green foods including wheat grass, barley grass and wheat sprouts, plus other great stuff.

You know, that actually doesn't sound horrible. It might even sound, gulp, good. So, here's to Superfood (aka Green Crap)! You learn something new every day!

Seven Things

I have just been tagged by Carolyn (who should know that I could and would never, ever hate her) at Juggling Frogs to list seven random/unusual things about myself, and then force torture urge respectfully request seven others to write about themselves.

1. My current favorite bagel flavor is Everything (probably because I've been craving salt).

2. For Hanukkah, I got my father a black kipah with the 24 logo on it.

3. I took off work yesterday afternoon in order to run errands (pick up laundry, dry cleaning, make bed). I am so lame.

4. My immediate (or a little bit bigger, say "intermediate") family (some of whom are yet to be mentioned in my blog): John Dear, The Boy, Mom, Dad, Brother, The Princess (Brother's wife), Elle (my sister), Gramie, FIL, MIL, SIL, SIL's husband, SIL's kids, Fairy Godmother, BFF.

5. I know all the words to the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme song.

6. My hair is currently blonde, brown, and reddish.

7. My order at Starbucks: either a Grandé Skim Hot Chocolate w/ Whip, or a Grandé Chai Tea Latté. (But now I've discovered the Grandé Egg Nog Latté, which is awesome!)

List of Victims Loving Friends TaggedMel, Jen, Dmarie, Kristen, Hoping For a Child, Geohde, and Laura

Do You Hear What I Hear?

As a singer and a non-Christian, I feel it's my duty to discuss the state of Christmas music this holiday season. There are some Christmas carols and songs that are the most beautiful music in the world. Others...not so much.

Here are my favorites:

O Magnum Mysterium
-Because everything sounds better in Latin. Also, each voice part has its own separate melody, it's not just 3 voices accompanying the sopranos.

O Holy Night
-I first heard this song in Home Alone and immediately loved it. It's a carol that I hear rarely and have always wondered why this is?

Winter Wonderland
-Not technically a Christmas song, but you only hear it from September - Christmas (you know, the holiday season).

Here are songs that I truly dislike, and want to stick a fork in my brain and swirl it around when I hear it in the mall:

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time
-Much like the song that never ends, it gets in your head and stays there. UGH!

Do You Hear What I Hear?
-No, obviously, cause you think that this is something I should be subjected to.

The Little Drummer Boy
-May have to be moved out of this category as Peter from Family Guy changed it to: "I have these gifts for thee, they're up in my bum."

---

What songs do you give a thumbs up/thumbs down to?

The Seasonal Migration of Babies

Did you know that babies migrate with the seasons? Yes, much like Canadian geese and Monarch butterflies, babies pop up wherever I am with increasing frequency and to my utter confusion and frustration.

To wit, the DMV. The freakin' DMV? Are these infants getting driver's licenses or something? I mean, here I am, just trying to renew my husband's registration stickers because he is irresponsible and can't/won't do it himself (love that man o' mine), the one place that I figure will be baby-free and it's completely overtaken by babies! AAAHHH!

I've also figured out another reason why I should never go to the mall during the holiday season. Baby Stampede! Babies here, babies there, babies flippin' everywhere! Do you really need to bring your baby with you to Restoration Hardware? Is their opinion that important at Sephora? Why, in holy hell are people who take their babies into Victoria's Secret able to reproduce and not I?

This rant encouraged and brought to you by John Dear who reminded me to post it last night (so you can blame him).

Oh My God, My God

It's started again. As Winston Churchill put it, "the black dog." Borderline manic depression. I was pretty high this afternoon (emotionally, folks, calm down on that front); now I'm back in the pits.

Exhausted after a long day. But it doesn't stop there; if I become too exhausted, I start becoming depressed and feeling alone. The fact that John Dear has been asleep in the bedroom for an hour or more (without the CPAP and snoring to beat the band) sure doesn't help me feel that he's in sync to my feelings.

The posting helps though. Somehow, it's as if trying to straighten out my thoughts enough to put them down on "paper" calms me down, stops the pendulum from swinging.

My therapist thinks that this isn't the start of another cycle of mood swings, anyways. She tells me that this is milder -- a reaction to the stress of taking care of John Dear post-surgery. Maybe it is, but I still feel like I've been sucker-punched.

Must go to take The Boy for his last walk of the day. Usually, the night air and a C-SPAN podcast helps me to relax enough to go to sleep. I need the sleep, but more than that, I just really need to relax.

We received a large tax refund and I decided pretty much single-handedly that we will use that money to go with BFF on a nice vacation this summer. Maybe a cruise around the Greek Isles. Sure, I'm extremely prone to seasickness, but time with JD and BFF should be wonderful and a great thing to look forward to.

P.S. Speaking of nausea, "mal de mer" is so much more classy than "seasickness", don't you think?

A Single Step

If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, I think we are at mile marker 10, maybe 8, not sure. The important thing is that it be an even number. That's because I'm crazy and think that even numbers are good luck. How did I know that I'd do well on the bar? Because my seat number was even. Course, I can't remember it now, but I think there was a six and an eight, maybe two sixes and two eights? Anyways, it was even. (I do know that it was NOT Apple Orchard Banana Cat Dance 8663. If you don't know where that was from, please find out!)

All right crazy lady, let's get back to the story... The step that I took was in contacting a fertility clinic and asking for an appointment. The patient coordinator called today and we set up a consultation for January 4. AHA!! Also, an even number! Totally without thinking! I am awesome. Or crazy. Am I awesomely crazy or crazily awesome? Am I, in fact, both?

SO, we've got us an appointment at Generic Fertility Clinic (GFC). Jendeis, how did you pick GFC amongst the other FC's in your area? Well, my friends, picking an FC is complicated, involving algorithms, multiple analyses and so forth. That's why I basically picked GFC from almost-randomness. The choice was saved from utter randomosity by being the clinic who employs the husband of a woman who's a friend of a woman that I know "from February of last year..." Plus, I found out that a bunch of the DC Metro Stirrup Queens go there, so I was all for it. Now, after speaking to their wonderfully nice patient coordinator, I'm glad that I chose GFC.

Let's hope that GFC will help John Dear and I make 2008 the Année du Bébé (another even number, awesome!)

Creme de la Creme 2007

Attention my brother and sister IF bloggers: as I got the notice from Jen, so I spread the notice to you:

One of our fearless leaders, Mel, is putting together the Creme de la Creme list for 2007. This is a list of self-nominated best IF posts for this year. You can find out all about it (and how to contribute) by clicking on the button.