Monday, December 31, 2007

The End and The Beginning

Back from vacation in sunny FL, which was a study in contrasts. Relaxation and rancor. Reading and resentment.

Why is it that we chose the dead of winter as our time to look back? Wouldn't it be more appropriate in spring when everything is reborn? Or in the fall when our efforts come to fruition, to harvest?

But maybe, our forebears were not so far off. Maybe it is only now, when everything is still and quiet, turned in against the cold, can such reflection take place. Maybe, right now, in "the dark, sacred night" is when we can turn to each other and commit ourselves, again.

I never dreamed that marriage would be a rededication each day. Will you stay? And again, as the day before and the day before that, I say yes.

I was afraid to say the words out loud because they can never be unsaid. But tonight, I told John Dear what he needed to hear. That I'm sad. And scared. And I don't know that we should even be discussing trying to bring a child into the world when we may not stay together.

So, we talked. And we cried. And talked some more. And we've committed ourselves to one another, again.

This year will start for us with eyes open and with hope.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."


Jen said...

What a beautiful post! Happy New Year to you. I hope 2008 is a good year.

hoping for a child said...

i think the same thing often...what am i doing trying to have a kid with this guy? i just want the kid so badly. and most the time...i want him to be the dad.