Flat

I'm not sure if I ever wrote an update about my new doc. She will be working in concert with Fairy Godmother to try to keep me on this side of sanity. I will name this doc, Dr. Chai (b/c she was drinking one, not b/c she resembles one).

So, Dr. Chai was very nice and listened to my whole story, asking pertinent questions and not being at all judgmental-y, which is good, because I always felt that way about my former doc and never really opened up to her.

As this time of year is when my depression escalates, and is doing so like clockwork, Dr. Chai said that we should treat this more aggressively. To that end, she's upped my meds and we'll see where that takes us.

After 5 days of the increased dosage, it's taking me nowhere. I'm still living in Depression Village. That may be too happy. Depression Shanty? Depression Hut? I just feel so down. My face feels down. It feels like my eyes and nose are sliding down my head. It's like my face is pulling down away from my skull to look like St. Bartholomew's skinned flesh in the Sistine Chapel.

I'm listening to the same songs over and over. Checking the same websites over and over, compulsively checking whether or not there's an updated post that could take my mind off the here and now for a minute or two. I have made it a point to walk every day these past few days for at least 30 minutes. I don't experience much of a high, but I do know that I'm taking care of myself at a minimum level.

How can I overcome this depression when there are some many depressing outside factors in my life? It's not just my brain chemistry this time. There are problems with John Dear, with our families, with work. John Dear is not really in a position to be any help to me as he's all wrapped up in his own problems and own depression.

I'm not sure what to do with all this feeling, but I thank you for tolerating my ramblings.

AARRRGGGHHH!!

I'm so mad I could just spit. John Dear just called me at 11 AM to say that he had just woken up! Apparently, he took a sleeping pill last night and rather than waking up when the timer (that he requested me set) rang at 7:30 AM, he just slept through it.

He's already on probation at work for not being there. Thing is, he completes his hours, but does that at odd times due to doctor's appointments and physical therapy sessions. He doesn't understand "face time", a concept which is becoming increasingly important in his career.

This was the one day that he was going to go in on time, because he has other appointments scheduled during the rest of the week. How do I get him to take ownership of this? This is now another job that he will probably lose because he can't get himself in to work on time. AAAAaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhh!!!

Pretty Good News

John Dear's SA results are back. Count is good, morphology is good, but motility is low. How low? Well, TPTB aren't telling us. All they will tell us is that the number may not even be accurate because the sample was smaller than they normally like to work with. We're supposed to follow up with Uro2 before going on to a follow up with LovelyRE.

Nurse says that if we have to have anything low, that motility is the way to go, because then you just go with IUI and that's the end of the issue. We knew that we were heading in that direction anyways, just cause of the delivery problems, so no big shocker there.

Nurse says that she and LovelyRE will be coming up with possible solutions for how to get John Dear's donations ready for an IUI, perhaps having him do donations that they will freeze and use at the proper time.

It looks like our train is finally getting ready to leave the station and other appropriate metaphors here. Off to a quarterly statement meeting. Woo.

How to Save the World

Happy Earth Day everyone! Here's what I've done today to save the world one day at a time:

• Ran my dishwasher late last night on light wash and no air dry
• Ran my washer late last night on the cold setting; cleaned the lint trap in my dryer and ran it late last night for 40 minutes (the exact amount of time it takes to get a full load dry)
• Packed a change of clothes for tonight in an overnight bag, not a plastic bag
• Picked up The Boy's poo in a biodegradable bag and threw it in the trashcan
• Drove my hybrid Escape to work
• Listened to an audio book borrowed from the library rather than buying a new one
• Drank my coffee out of a mug instead of a Styrofoam cup
• Reused my plastic cup for water instead of taking a new one

Tonight, I'll be using public transportation to attend the hockey game and will use my Smart Card instead of using a paper fare card to board the train.

How have you saved the world today? Remember how much little changes in your life can make a huge difference!

Blah

Summary: Spring marks the start of Jendeis' annual depression. Woo.

Stream of consciousness --

Been feeling guilty about not updating in a while, but the spirit has not moved me. The first two nights of Passover were nice - first night spent with my family and last night spent with John Dear's family. Now I'm over Passover. I just want to stuff my face till I'm numb. Today is CD 1. It's been raining on and off for the past two days.

John Dear was able to bring in a sample from home on Wednesday, so we should have the SA results tomorrow. Should've been Friday or today, but Nurse is out of the office.

Had to explain to some co-workers why having a bulletin board in the lunchroom with pics of all the babies in the company might not be the greatest idea. After some explaining, they totally got it, and it will be converted to families (however they be defined) - and how we're all one big family.

My shrink is retiring (not my therapist, just my shrink), so I have to find a new one to prescribe for me. Made myself call one this morning. My therapist (aka Fairy Godmother) made me promise to call this one and at an appointment tell her everything. Because I wasn't real open with the shrink who's retiring, just told her the minimum. I don't see why I have to tell her anything, since I tell Fairy Godmother everything.

Blah.

Shining light is that the CAPS are still in it. If they win tonight in Philly, they force a Game 7 (winner takes all) back here in DC.

Still, blah.

N.I. - Negative Impact

So, that's a no go for this morning on trying to get a sample for SA. I think trying it this way is just not the way to go and it's very depressing and frustrating. Neither Dr. Az-hat nor Uro2 discussed TESE or MESA or any similar kind of lower-impact retrieval method. Does anyone out there know why they wouldn't suggest those methods over a biopsy? Thought of calling my RE to try to set up an appointment with her to discuss this, but my nurse said a couple weeks ago that such a meeting is usually done after HSG and an SA and John Dear's work isn't really pleased with the fact that he misses a lot of face time due to physical therapy and doctor's appointments. I'm just confused and don't know what to do. Someone tell me what to do and I'll do it.

My gramie has been going through some difficult medical issues in the past couple of weeks. She's currently staying with my folks. I'm hopeful that she'll be able to get back on her feet soon.

BFF has a landlord who seems like a nice guy but is a complete flake. Missing in her apartment: heat, a/c, oven, kitchen cabinets, usable kitchen counters, cable and Internet (both of which she has to pay for), electric outlet covers and switchplates. She will likely have to move out at the end of the month, which means another move. At least this time we can use local movers and I trust my local movers.

Non-Specific Title Here

Sitting at home, attempting to recuperate from a busy weekend. Ran around with BFF, running errands and preparing for her movers to (FINALLY) get here from Florida. Went to the CAPS game on Saturday night, where they clinched the Southeast Division title!!!! Didn't get nearly enough sleep this weekend and I've got a wicked sore throat, so I'm putting myself to bed early.

Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm alive and despite a fight with some black liquid eyeliner (um, the eyeliner won, but I still rocked it), I'm doing OK.

THIS WEEK:

• New sofa and chairs will be delivered tomorrow! Yay! No more Skeletor couches!
• Must fit in some cleaning for Pesach in, as I don't want to leave it all for the last minute. Will leave kitchen for next week, but would like to finish off the rest of the house this week.
• My company is having their annual conference this week so I may not be posting, but I'll try to update as soon as I get a chance.
• The CAPS start their playoff run against the Philadelphia Flyers* on Friday night (I have to be at my stupid conference). Would consider polygamy to be married to all the CAPS. Or at least a select few.
• Hoping that John Dear will be able to do an SA soon. Pretty much everything is waiting on that.

CAPS, please meet me at Camera One: OK, you guys can definitely beat the Flyers because you've done it time and time again. Plus, they suck, you are the team of destiny and we are all believers. Finally, you must beat the Flyers because The Princess (my brother's wife) is from Philly and is a Flyers fan and she sent an email last night talking smack about you. I responded in a very sportswomanlike manner and replied that I hope the match up is good and may the best team win. I have to warn you, though, if you lose to the Flyers, I will seriously reconsider you as several of my husbands. In closing, I'll paraphrase from that cinematic classic, Necessary Roughness, "I don't want to put any undue pressure on you guys, but Gennaro's final words were, 'Win, or I'll die.'"

Don't Stop Believin'

I swore I wouldn't let this happen again. I've fallen hard. I'm back on the Zamboni. I can't quit them.

Last night and Tuesday were the greatest games I've ever seen played. The Verizon Center was shaking it was so loud. Screw Detroit. Washington is the new Hockeytown, USA.

Alex Ovechkin and Cristobal Huet high five (Photo by AP - Nick Wass)

One more to go. Don't Stop Believin'!

Let's Go CAPS!!!!!!

Busy Busy Bee

Been working much "overtime" (in quotes, because the lovely HR people have told me that I'm exempt) due to the housing crunch, credit crisis and overall tidal waves of BS that I have to wade through each day. Did manage to fly down to Miami and help BFF move up here - yes, we drove. No, we did not die. So, it's all on the upside.

Must now go into a meeting where we will all speak rather loudly since people will agree with you more if you shout at them. Great logic folks.

Before I dash, may I urge you to turn over some of your hard-earned dollars or precious time to Team On The Road. Click on the button on my sidebar to donate and the title below it to read a beautiful article by Mel on the subject.