Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Flat

I'm not sure if I ever wrote an update about my new doc. She will be working in concert with Fairy Godmother to try to keep me on this side of sanity. I will name this doc, Dr. Chai (b/c she was drinking one, not b/c she resembles one).

So, Dr. Chai was very nice and listened to my whole story, asking pertinent questions and not being at all judgmental-y, which is good, because I always felt that way about my former doc and never really opened up to her.

As this time of year is when my depression escalates, and is doing so like clockwork, Dr. Chai said that we should treat this more aggressively. To that end, she's upped my meds and we'll see where that takes us.

After 5 days of the increased dosage, it's taking me nowhere. I'm still living in Depression Village. That may be too happy. Depression Shanty? Depression Hut? I just feel so down. My face feels down. It feels like my eyes and nose are sliding down my head. It's like my face is pulling down away from my skull to look like St. Bartholomew's skinned flesh in the Sistine Chapel.

I'm listening to the same songs over and over. Checking the same websites over and over, compulsively checking whether or not there's an updated post that could take my mind off the here and now for a minute or two. I have made it a point to walk every day these past few days for at least 30 minutes. I don't experience much of a high, but I do know that I'm taking care of myself at a minimum level.

How can I overcome this depression when there are some many depressing outside factors in my life? It's not just my brain chemistry this time. There are problems with John Dear, with our families, with work. John Dear is not really in a position to be any help to me as he's all wrapped up in his own problems and own depression.

I'm not sure what to do with all this feeling, but I thank you for tolerating my ramblings.

10 comments:

Jen said...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. That sucks. I hope the medicine helps soon. I've heard that it can take a while for it to take effect completely.

Feel free to ramble here as much as you'd like- we'll listen!

Fertilized said...

Ramble on my friend. I wish i had ords to make all "this" go away and pull you out of depression hut

annacyclopedia said...

Ramble on, indeed. Apart from what you're already doing, it's really the only thing you can do - share, vent, let it out, hopefully get some perpective and peace in the process.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts, and wishing you much peace and some brighter days ahead.

FunkyFrum said...

sorry things are rough. i recommend pampering yourself to the max

JJ said...

Just letting you know you have been in my thoughts today--and you will continue to be in my prayers.

Leah said...

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Five days doesn't seem like enough time to realize the full effect of a dosage change. Hopefully it will kick in soon and help out. You are right, however, that with that many stressors in your life, it will be difficult for medication alone to make everything magically better. I promise that I always have my fingers crossed for you.

Thanks for stroking my ego and leaving your comment. You comment so frequently that I knew you were reading, but it's still nice to see who is out there. Thank you again for your support and I hope to see you at the next gathering!

Ahuva Batya said...

These kinds of cycles are horrible to deal with. I'm so, so sorry you have to bear that depression. You have friends who are here to listen and help you through it, to a better place.

Cajunchic said...

Hi thanks for stopping by my blog.

It is so weird but I was reading your post thinking that I could have written it myself. I am so there with you especially the paragraph about compulsively checking the same websites.

Io said...

Hypothetically, you might see somebody on This Week with George Stephan*poulos. I will be there, but they have to pre-screen my question so there is no guarantee I'll be picked.

Meghan said...

Hey there, sorry I haven't commented in awhile. Just got my new braces bunch address list and saw that I used to live in your building, apt 727. We moved right before it turned condo (totally bummed about that). We moved not too far away and are still back around there all the time. What a small world!

Sorry you're the meds aren't kicking in and you're not in the place you want to be. Wish I could be of more help, but if you ever need to chat, just let me know