Saturday, May 10, 2008

One Year

It has now been one year since we started trying to have a baby. Before we got on this bumpy ride, I always thought that the years seemed to speed up as one got older. Now, I think that things have slowed down for us. Another one of IF's affects -- it draws everything out. So, we haven't been trying for one year, we've been trying for 365 days.

Back in the good ol' naive days, I thought we would be pregnant in a month or two. John Dear and I discussed how we'd tell our families. We debated baby names. We thought my friends would be coddling me at a wedding in November because of my swollen feet and belly. And, nothing happened. Again and again.

AF in August came with a vengeance. Likely a fertilized embryo but failure to implant, the doctor told me. Common enough, you'll get pregnant next time.

But there hasn't been a next time and the days have been dragging by. SIL flaunts her fertility in my face, telling me that we are horrible people for choosing ART. MIL attempts to walk on eggshells and fails, spinning stories of how she will be a better grandmother for our kids.

If I could figure out what we're doing wrong, I would fix it. If I omitted something, a prayer, a sacrifice, I'd do whatever it takes.

But that's not how it works, we all know that. Know wonderful people who would be magnificent parents who struggle for such long periods of time just to add one to their family.

I don't feel positive right now, I don't feel negative. I'm numb. I just feel like I'm marking time.


annacyclopedia said...

The waiting is so hard when you don't know what you're waiting for, or when it might happen. I know so well that feeling of marking time and it is so hard - wanting something so much and not necessarily knowing all the steps I had to go through was one of the hardest parts.

You are not alone in this. And it's ok to feel numb sometimes. But I hope it passes quickly and something shifts in the situation so you can feel that things have progressed.

Jen said...

I'm sorry it is such an awful anniversary day. I hate how there is no reason for good people to suffer like this.

Antigone said...

I know I know. We've been at it for just about two years. And everything seems like it's been on hold.

It's so unjust. I, too, am sorry you have this anniversary under your belt.

Jen said...

I'm sorry you have to "celebrate" this particular anniversary. I feel your pain. For me, it feels like the days are dragging by, but the months and years are zooming past.
It's all so unfair.

Cajunchic said...

sorry you are dealing with this. I can not even imagine what it must be like. i have had friends who have dealt with the same issues and I saw the toll it took on them. Sorry you are dealing with such an insensitive SIL also.

I answered your question in the comment section of my blog.

Jen said...

The one-year mark is tough. I can only imagine it is made worse given the date and an insensitive SIL.