Doogie Howser Theme Song Here

I set out this week to discover something.

What I discovered...I am awesome.

Iron Commenter in Week 1. WOO!

I'm so tired I'm worried I will fall out of the chair. :)

The Line in the Sand

John Dear and I woke up early and got our butts to the local Weight Watchers meeting. John Dear wasn't too enthused by anything that went on, but he's not a real rah-rah person anyways. I really liked the meeting leader. I'll take funny over dry facts anyday. We'll both be starting the Core Plan. JD - because he has been successful on Atkins in the past and this is a similar kind of discipline. Me - because you supposedly lose weight faster on Core and I'm down with that. Once losing a significant amount I may switch to the Flex Plan (the one where you count points all the time), because I am a Bread Lovah.

BFF and I (along with practically every female in Northern Virginia) saw Sex & The City last night. I went with no expectations and I really liked the movie. It's not a cinematic achievement, but who is going for that? I'm going for the funny and the fashion. Some girls got real, real dressed up for the show, like stilettos and sequined dresses, dressed up. Hi, no. I'm at the movies.

JD, at my request, is out of the house for a couple of hours so that I can clean in peace. Instead of totally cleaning though, I'm also checking blogs and having to draft letters for work due to some situtations that need my attention ASAP.

We'll be meeting up with his parents for dinner tonight, so we've got a pretty full day.

Where I've Commented Today (so far, I'm just keeping track of the first 5 + 1):
1. Sweet Baby Dreams
2. Infertility Bites
3. Our Box of Rain
4. Life After Infertility and Loss
5. Happy Hopefuls

I Returned A Comment Here:
1. Off My Mind But From My Heart

NP (Now Playing):
"Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray, How to Save a Life

For the Record

Where I've Commented Today:
1. Larisa at The Waiting Womb
2. Still Passing Open Windows
3. Meghan at A Little Sweetness
4. Andrea at Are You Listening?
5. Pamela Jeanne at Coming 2 Terms

Comment I Returned Today:
1. Rachel at Long Distance Infertility

Saw the following meme going around and thought I'd do it rather than burst into tears every few seconds.

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): BFF
C - Cake or Pie: Both
D - Day of Choice: Wednesday
E - Essential Item: Sunscreen
F - Favorite Color(s): Green
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Neither, Swedish Fish
H - Hometown: Washington, DC suburbs
I - Indulgence(s): Gramie's Ladyfinger Cake (recipe here)
J - January or July: January, I like the cold
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Washington Capitals hockey
M - Marriage Date: 08/20/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 brother, 1 sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: Electrocution, Stupid People
Q - Quote: "Some see things as they are and ask, "why?" I dream things that never were and ask, "why not?"
R- Ring size: 10 (I have fat baby fingers)
S - Season: Fall
T- Tag 3 Friends: Anyone who'd like to do this
U - Unknown fact about me: I take pride in the fact that I'm left-handed.
V - Very favorite stores: Sephora, Lane Bryant, Uncommon Goods
W - Worst Habit: Being a Very Worried Walrus
X-ray or Ultrasound: Ultrasounds
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): All Thanksgiving side dishes
Z - Zodiac: Pisces

On Hold

Summary: Well folks, put your pom-poms away. It ain't happening any time soon.


So, we get to Giant Fertility Clinic and the receptionist takes us back right away. "Score!" I think. "Things are going to go well today."


Think again. We're brought to the inner waiting area, essentially a line of chairs outside the doctor's individual offices, put there to wait for the doctor. Another woman (we'll call her "Betty") is eventually brought to wait alongside John Dear and I. Several GFC staff members walk by and they all know Betty. One of the nurses shrieks with pleasure at seeing Betty and rushes out to show Betty pictures of her kids. Betty and the nurse discuss the children animatedly and loudly right next to us. Then, Betty shows off pics of her kid and much discussion ensues.


I can't help it. Tears just leak out of my eyes and then I'm crying. Trying to cry as silently as possible. When the nurse finally goes away, Betty notices that I'm crying and tries to comfort, saying that LovelyRE is so great and that Betty and her husband had been trying for years and that they finally had a baby and it's so tough, but just to keep going cause it will happen. I could barely respond. I'm sure Betty and her husband went through the ringer, but come on. You're at a G.D. fertility clinic for Pete's sake! Have some sensitivity and discuss children without other couples around.


Eventually, LovelyRE pulls us back into her office. After some blustering by JD about how Uro2 was kind of a dick about things, LovelyRE goes through the SA results with us. Here are the numbers of what I remember.

Size of Sample: 0.3 mL (normal size: 2.0 - 5.0 mL)
Count: Normal

Motility: 2% (normal: 40% or greater)

Morphology: Normal

Total Motile Sperm: Can't remember, but waaaay low

Viability: 4%

Given the fact that there was such a small sample, it may be that the numbers do not constitute a representative sample and are therefore not accurate. So, a second SA is in order.


Assuming that the numbers are a representative sample, conception the old-fashioned way with these numbers is not impossible, but we're looking at a 1-2% chance of ever getting pregnant.


LovelyRE says we are no longer candidates for IUI. We must go straight to IVF w/ ICSI. That pushes our chances to 40%. Which is a hell of a lot better, but I thought we'd be able to do an unmedicated IUI cycle and it would just be the turkey baster, boom, kid, we're outta there.


So, IVF. As I might have mentioned in an earlier post, GFC has a BMI limit on IUI and IVF. To do IUI, your BMI can't be higher than 42. To do IVF, your BMI can't be higher than 40.

My BMI right now is 46.3. As you can see on the ticker at the bottom of my blog, I've got 40 pounds to lose. I was thinking all day that it was 50, so I guess 40 is an improvement. I have tried to lose weight my whole life; this is just another reason to do so.

John Dear and I had already committed to going to a Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday morning. My brother has volunteered to join me in my quest to increase my exercise and my mentor is going to join Weight Watchers so that she can help me too. No more spring baby. To do this in a healthy manner, I can only lose about 2 lbs. a week. That puts us in mid-October before we can even start an IVF cycle. And that's if I do lose 2 pounds a week. So, I'm thinking that realistically, the earliest we'll get pregnant is December. Ach, it seems so far away from us and we've already been trying for so long.

Getting back to the play-by-play, I was crying, JD was sniffling. It wasn't a great scene. After LovelyRE was done with us, we go down the hall with Nurse so that she can give us literature on IVF and put more salt in the wound.

"Did you need any more pre-natal vitamins?"

"Um, no. I stopped taking those when it seemed that we weren't getting to the pre-natal part of things."

"Oh, well, you're going to have to go back on those about 2-3 months before you start trying to get pregnant, because folic acid is very important and you've gotta make sure you're getting enough of that, so 2-3 months before you try to get pregnant, OK?"

"Two to three months before we started trying to get pregnant was over a year ago."

Silence.

We left. I dropped off John Dear at the house to take The Boy out for a walk before he went to work. I went to work, because there's crazy going on at work and I just couldn't stay home and be in my head.

Gotta go now. John Dear and I will be going to the gym when I get home.

Clicker of Steel

The Iron Commenting thing is going strong. Since we have our appointment with LovelyRE at 11:30 today, John Dear and I are taking the morning off from work. I'm hoping to get lots of commenting done today!

Our appointment today is, I guess, a follow-up since we have completed all the preliminary blood tests, Day 3 u/s, HSG and SA. Hopefully, LovelyRE will have a game plan for us. I'm on Day 4, so I want to get started right away! Do you think we could get an IUI in this cycle?

Many thanks to Jen of Here We Go Again for letting me know that I got the Comment Record idea from Sassy at Cupcakes and Conundrums.

Where I've Commented Today:
1. Gabrielle at Daily Tomorrow
2. Naomi at Surviving Single Motherhood
3. Sara at Gas Passer
4. M at My Sanctuary
5. Allison at Our Own Creation (please click at Allison's blogs for A New Day)

Comment I Returned Today:
1. Gabrielle at Fertility Notes

Exhibit 1

Got the idea to do this from another Lovely Lady doing NaComLeavMo, but now I can't remember who it was! Whoever you are, bless you for giving me the idea.

Blogs Commented on Today:
1. Fertilized
2. Operation Baby
3. Here We Go Again
4. If I Only Had Super Powers
5. Where the Kudzu Grows (not a NaComLeavMo participant)

Comment I Responded To:
1. Mommy Sparklykatt

I originally thought that I should not set myself such a high goal, but I am going to try to become an Iron Commenter. An Iron Commenter pledges to leave a comment on every NaComLeavMo participating blog at least once a week during the month. I did my proportionate bunch of blogs last night and hope to do so again tonight. I've loved visiting some many new and interesting blogs, in addition to following more of the lives that I read about everyday. Woohoo!

Clockwork

Apparently, everyone is having a holiday in honor of my Day 1. Go me. Here's how I'm feeling: well, sh*t, that sucks. Moving on. No crying, no prolonged moroseness. At least my body didn't prolong this and make us think I was pregnant by being late. I expected AF today and she came.

John Dear has thrown himself with gusto into his Woe is Me routine. I think he's playing the I'm Not a Real Man remix and I just really don't want to hear that song again and don't have the patience right now to sit with him and console him, so I'm just leaving him to himself right now.

We had already had an appointment with Lovely RE scheduled for Thursday, so hopefully we can get this show on the road this cycle.

The plan is to leave the beach (Bethany Beach, DE) after breakfast. The iPod is loaded up with the additional tracks of the book I'm listening to, as well as a new book, so we're ready for traffic.

TO all my regular readers and those coming here from NaComLeavMo, thank you for stopping by and good luck to you in this month of commenting!

Absolute Happiness

Do you remember the times in your life when you felt absolute happiness? You know, the time where you were so filled with joy that it felt that your heart would burst?

I feel this way whenever I'm lost in a good book. I also get this feeling when I'm laughing with BFF. I had it on the day that John Dear and I got engaged. (I probably would've had it on our wedding day, but I was sick and hopped up on Dramamine most of the day).

I feel it in less momentous occasions. This week's season finale of Grey's Anatomy. Right at the end, where Meredith and Derek got together. Bliss. Nirvana. The first year's season finale of Friday Night Lights when the team wins the state championship. My heart exploded in joy.

This weekend at the beach has been so peaceful. I've finished two books in two days and will hopefully finish another today. John Dear and I both had massages yesterday. We'll probably go to the outlets and maybe see a movie today. I'm at peace and I'm happy.

My Dream Garden

I have a hope that, in the future, when John Dear and I have our "big house and live in the suburbs," I will be able to have a large garden. This dream exists without much support as I have little to no gardening skills. But, I'm working on that. I successfully kept living plants alive all last summer. So what if they were geraniums, so easy to keep alive that my mother calls them "idiot and Jendeis-proof"? I kept 'em alive.

I'd like to have flowers and herbs, along with some fruits and vegetables. Here's how my garden would grow (that is, what I'd grow):

Broccoli	Celery	Carrots	Cabbage
Lettuce	Potatoes	Garlic	Zucchini
Strawberries	Blueberries	Rhubarb	Tomatoes
Lavender	Mint	Rosemary	Dill
Basil	Parsley	Cilantro	Chives

Azaleas	Crocuses	Daffodils	Irises
Pansies	Peonies	Roses	Tulips

Ooh, I got so wrapped up in the HTML that I forgot about cucumbers and cantaloupes and maybe a pumpkin and some turnips. I'll need marigolds to keep bugs away from the garlic. And maybe I'll have a bean pole with some string beans or morning glories.

Now, I understand that this isn't realistic (certainly not with a full-time job or a gardener on staff). Remember, this is just the dream. For now, I'll just have to settle for the farmer's market and planting my petunias and geraniums.

If Only I Were Motivated

The following is a list of things I would accomplish if only I were motivated to do so:

1. Clean up my office, have a better filing system and keep it that way.
2. Clean up my house and keep it that way.
3. Go to a Weight Watchers meeting and stop paying them for not going to meetings.
4. Go to the garden store for annuals and redo the pots on my balconies that currently have dead plants in them.
5. Start the Aero Grow I received for my birthday.
6. Bake bread in the bread maker I received for my birthday.

Instead, I'm going to the beach. I think I made out on that deal. (grin).

Stuck

Jendeis had many plans to post today, but is currently stuck in this wicket:

(Dress + Hose + Body-shaper-created-by-Satan-that-has-bra-hooks-between-the-legs) + Bathroom = Annoyingness

Same Stuff, Different Day

Nothing much going on here in Funkytown. I did move my office over the weekend, so now I'm rockin' a large corner office that's closer to all the other people I work with. I had been way down the hall with all the accounting people.

I'm getting used to the quiet on this side of the office. Previously, I had people yapping outside my door all day. Now, I really don't hear anything but the soft whooshing of the A/C. It sounds like the ocean, but more like when you put your ear up to a shell.

Have been very productive today, but that is juxtaposed with the feeling that I'm in a daze or bubble, with my head hovering over my body.

Ah, the middle of the 2ww.

On Kumbaya-ness

In her post today, Mel wrote about some negative feelings that have been swirling around the IF blogosphere lately. I wasn't sure how to express my thoughts succinctly enough for a comment, so I thought that I would write a post on the subject.

There are two competing arguments here: one is that if you don't have something nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all. The other, as Alice Roosevelt Longworth so eloquently put it, is that if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, come sit by me. Yes, misery does love company, and jealousy much more so.

Each blogger posts for her own reasons, but I would venture that one of them is to give voice to her feelings. Only on your blog are you truly able to vent your rage and frustrations with the world.

Those lucky enough to be pregnant after IF or to parent after IF try often to remind those of us not in that category that they remember and understand the pain of infertility. They write that an individual's pain is incomparable -- it cannot be compared across lives.

I agree that the pain of infertility cannot be compared from one person to another. It is all different and there really can be no hierarchy of pain. But this recognition and understanding does not end my pain. It is important to understand that too.

Those lucky ones should not have to stifle their joy in their children simply to be sensitive to the unlucky ones. Conversely, those of us here on the still trying side shouldn't have to bite back our tears or doubts or questions in order to refrain from hurting those of us who have moved to the other side. Understand please that I am not advocating ad hominem attacks. Instead, I would have us assume that negativity can and does have a healthy, cleansing place in our world and that we should not rail against it.

Sloop John B

Let me go home. Why don't you let me go home?

Two posts in one day, wahoo! I so don't want to be at work right now. I have accomplished very little in the office today, though I did fully use my procrastination urge to rearrange my Favorites tab.

This weekend, I will be moving my office to a bigger and better one down the hall which is great, but it means I'm going to have to move all my stuff too. Blech. Right now the only solution seems to be to just blow up my current office and walk away. One of the assistants came into my office to hand me my mail and just laughed at the piles on my desk. Well, they really aren't piles any more as they have all kind of merged and converged and now it just looks like the Himalayas with valleys and plateaus and peaks and all that.

Would like to just chuck all these papers but the problem with being a lawyer is that you generally have to keep all the papers. Dang lawyers.

Hope to post again when I've made progress. Tally ho!

Then There Were Two

While listening to C-SPAN this morning, the host discussed the results of a new poll. It turns out that 8 out of 10 Americans believe that this country is going in the wrong direction.

John Dear's response? "That leaves Bush and Cheney. Yeah, that's right."

Oh, I so totally agree. I work as a lawyer for a housing company and it is a mess in my industry right now. Even though my company doesn't sell homes (we do rentals), we're still in the toilet and having to tighten our belts like everyone else out there.

There are two general sides to the housing bailout debate. One, let's help the poor people who were tricked into these subprime mortgages and have the banks forgive the majority of the loans. On the other hand, home buyers should be responsible for understanding the terms of their mortgages and aren't we just punishing those who have kept up with their mortgage payments all along?

I think both sides have merit (typical lawyer who won't pick a side, heh, heh, heh). I don't, however, think that it is "the rest of us" who are going to have to pay for this loan forgiveness. It's the people we are trying to help! Loan forgiveness is taxable income, people! The IRS will be going after the very people who don't have any money now to pay income taxes on the write-down of their loans.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but look forward to hearing ideas from both sides of the aisle. I just hope we come up with something that actually solves the problems and does so soon.

Menu Plan

Since my Dream Dinners appointment was rescheduled, I find myself having to come up with a menu for the week. Otherwise, we'll just order in all week and it'll be a huge health and financial disaster. So, here's the plan and we'll see if we stick with it.

Monday - Meatloaf w/ baked potatoes and green beans
Tuesday - Steak w/ turnip oven fries and broccoli
Wednesday - Paprika chicken with sour cream gravy w/ couscous
Thursday - Chicken and veggie stir-fry w/ jasmine rice
Friday - Spaghetti and meatballs w/ salad

One Year

It has now been one year since we started trying to have a baby. Before we got on this bumpy ride, I always thought that the years seemed to speed up as one got older. Now, I think that things have slowed down for us. Another one of IF's affects -- it draws everything out. So, we haven't been trying for one year, we've been trying for 365 days.

Back in the good ol' naive days, I thought we would be pregnant in a month or two. John Dear and I discussed how we'd tell our families. We debated baby names. We thought my friends would be coddling me at a wedding in November because of my swollen feet and belly. And, nothing happened. Again and again.

AF in August came with a vengeance. Likely a fertilized embryo but failure to implant, the doctor told me. Common enough, you'll get pregnant next time.

But there hasn't been a next time and the days have been dragging by. SIL flaunts her fertility in my face, telling me that we are horrible people for choosing ART. MIL attempts to walk on eggshells and fails, spinning stories of how she will be a better grandmother for our kids.

If I could figure out what we're doing wrong, I would fix it. If I omitted something, a prayer, a sacrifice, I'd do whatever it takes.

But that's not how it works, we all know that. Know wonderful people who would be magnificent parents who struggle for such long periods of time just to add one to their family.

I don't feel positive right now, I don't feel negative. I'm numb. I just feel like I'm marking time.

Howzit

"Everything that's happening now is happening now." That's pretty much how I'm feeling these days. The drugs have definitely kicked in and I'm feeling pretty good. Dr. Chai and I decided yesterday that my only stressors right now are situational as opposed to chemical/emotional. So, we're going to continue doing what we're doing.

Dr. Chai did make an interesting suggestion. She suggested that perhaps John Dear should take off a month or two, basically a "health sabbatical." This would be time for JD to get his health back and do whatever he needs to do in order to achieve that (physical therapy, doctor's appointments, etc.). I was concerned about a negative reaction when I broached it last night, but JD was receptive and we were able to discuss it and his job prospects thoroughly and rationally.

One of the reasons behind the sabbatical, which I have not discussed with JD yet, is to make a determination of whether we can work this out. Our marriage has been difficult, perhaps more so than most, and JD's health and emotional problems have contributed to its lack of partnership. As I discussed with Dr. Chai, if John Dear were able to get his health back -- an achievement that is entirely within his control -- the emotional problems would be manageable quirks and we could have a happy marriage. I will be discussing this aspect of the sabbatical with Fairy Godmother tonight to determine how I want to approach it with John Dear.

WFMW: What Doesn't Work for Me

This week is a special edition of Shannon's carnival, Works-for-Me-Wednesday. Instead of posting what works for you, you are supposed to post something that does NOT work for you.


It is really hard for me to remember to comment on people's blogs, both on those I read and those who have been gracious enough to comment on mine. So that's what doesn't work for me.


In order to turn that around, a bloggy friend of mine, Mel, has decided to start NaComLeavMo (National Comment-Leaving Month) where participants pledge to leave five different comments on blogs that they read and pledge to return at least one comment a day to someone who has commented on their own blog. For more information, just click the button on my sidebar or visit here. Though this idea started in the IF (infertility) community, we would like to have blogs and readers of all shapes, sizes and persuasions join us. Come on blogosphere, let's go comment crazy!!

Final Words: I'm on Drugs

So, not really my final words; you get the point.

A gold star to anyone who can tell me where the post title is from. Dr. Chai responded like Batman summoned by that spotlight in the sky -- quickly and effectively. Now, I'm on a different cocktail, similar to one that I've been on in the past. (Shh, come closer, I don't want to tempt fate, so let's just keep this between us...I think it's working). Mona Lisa smile!!

Fog has cleared, joy is coming back. Time for happy songs! Right now, that's all about Sublime and Shakira. Don't know why, it just is.