Tuesday, July 8, 2008

And What Do We Got? A Cuisinart?

This post is going to be as scattered as my mind is right now. I'm all mixed up like a blender.

I wonder if this post talking about a possible end of my marriage is appropriate, given that it's my 200th post. I've been so eager to reach the point of 200, and now that I've reached this milestone, all I feel is confusion and hurt and sadness and shame and fear, and love and happiness and hope, a desperate, clawing, eternally springing hope.

Remember New Year's? I told John Dear everything that I had been holding back -- essentially, that I couldn't stay in a marriage that wasn't a partnership, that was more of a relationship of master & servant, of a parent & child. I told him how I woke up every day and asked myself whether that day would be the one where I decided to leave.

With tears running down both our faces, we recommitted to each other. JD promised that I would never have to feel that way again, that he would change and we'd be happy together.

As in all things, there's been a bit of backsliding. John Dear is being demanding and demeaning. Arguing with me and calling me names in front of others. This is not about his Asperger's. This is about JD not being an adult yet.

Well, I can't wait forever for him to change. I don't know if it is possible for JD to change or if he is, I don't know if I can stay here waiting for him for as long as it takes him to do so.

I figure there are three options:
1. John Dear doesn't change, I stay in the marriage, we (eventually) have children, and I stay somewhat happy, but mostly unhappy for the rest of our lives together.

2. John Dear works to change, I stay in the marriage, we (eventually) have children, and I stay mostly happy and hopefully completely happy for the rest of our lives together.

3. I leave. Who knows what happens after that?

I can't figure out whether or not I've explained this previously, but in case I haven't, John Dear has just started his "health sabbatical." This is 2 months for him to completely rehab the foot that he had surgery on in October 2007. He's been in steady pain since then, first recovering from surgery, then because he didn't start walking fast enough, then because his crutches were wrong, then because the physical therapists he was seeing were jokes, then because he had to walk "a lot" for his job (allegedly). Essentially, John Dear (with my support) quit his job due to health reasons because he was going to be fired due to his very poor attitude.

As Dr. Chai and I reasoned it out, you've got nothing to worry about but getting better, so go do it. See, his poor health and all of his other issues prevent him from being a true partner, and if he was able to better his health, all of his other issues would likely be ameliorated and our marriage would be a happy one. JD agreed with all of this reasoning.

So, he's got these 2 months to show me that's he committed to our marriage and to the family that we will have, that we share the same values, that I'm neither his mother nor his camp counselor, that I'm his partner -- his wife. After these 2 months, I can't say and he can't say that I didn't do everything, everything, to make this work.

All of the above was this past weekend and yesterday morning. Yesterday evening, I spoke to John Dear and told him a little bit of what I've been feeling, confining the conversation to his fighting and name-calling and my need for him to help. He has promised to change, knowing that I'm aware change is hard and won't happen immediately.

Last night was lovely. We had a fun time together talking and being with each other. It made me remember why we got together in the first place. So, what do I do with all that I was feeling this weekend? I was convinced that in 2 months, I would make the decision to leave. Now, I'm in this. I'll stay. But this is the real test. Can he change and stay changed? I'm not sure, and that's why I'm all over the place.


Io said...

Oh honey, I wish I had something good to say, but anything will be inadequate. I hope that it gets better. ::hug::

Anonymous said...

I don't have any words to share with you, like io they would be inadequate. Instead please accept this hug.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Not to offer insensitive assivce, but would counseling (for him, or you, or both of you) help? Wishing you all the best. Big hugs!

annacyclopedia said...

Oh sweetie! This all sounds so hard. I've had some rough patches with Manny the past few years, but I don't think it's ever been quite as hard as what you're going through. I know you're doing all you can to make the situation better and to discern what is the right path for you. My experience is that sometimes doing all that work is very tiring and can sometimes mean that I take over for Manny and overcompensate so he doesn't have to do his work. It's a tough thing to balance, and I'm wishing you much peace and some silence in your heart to work through this and let the right answer come to you. I know you have so much wisdom that you will get through this and find what is right for you.

Tricia said...

I'm sorry that I have nothing wise to say, except that I am sorry that things are so hard. I pray that they get better. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Leah said...

Good grief, as if you don't already have enough to deal with thanks to IF and his other health issues. I have no assvice to offer, just a show of support. This sucks, and I hope you know the clear-cut answer in 2 months.

luna said...

I am so sorry you're dealing with this, and hope it all comes together in the best way possible over the next 2 months.

Anonymous said...

Leave. He won't change. L:et me tell you after 25 years of a bad marriage and mental abuse.

Jen said...

Well, happy 200th!

From my psychology background, I've seen that people rarely change long term without some kind of outside influence, like counseling. I hope that you and JD can work things out so that you both can be happy for the long term.

Cajunchic said...

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. I hope and pray that things work out for you eventually.

Meghan said...

so sorry you're dealing with all this crap (and I hope you're either ignoring or thinking horribly nasty thoughts to that anonomyous commentor). I hope that 2 months from now you have an answer that makes you happy, whatever that may be

Antigone said...

I'm still trying to get my own head clear about my marriage. What I do know is that no matter what the circumstance, it's damn hard.

Sunny said...

I wish I had words to encourage and to fix things. All I know is YOU are amazing. In the end you will know just what to do. HUGS!

LJ said...

Ugh, as if everything else wasn't enough, you have this too.

Let me know if you wanna lunch and vent.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie, I opened and closed this post all week and kept trying to think of the best thing to say. And, it is now Friday night and I still haven't found the words. But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and flooding a lot of hope into these next two months. And I'm here--even with the bridge!--if you need me.

Duck2 said...

I wish there was something I could write/say to make it all make sense.
My marriage too has recently been through the ringer, but, for different reasons all infertility related.
It's hard when things are not working.
But, as much as he was not a supportive partner(has difficutly accepting that i'm infertile), he never was demeaning to me. I was in a relationship for 6 years with a man who was demeaning, and insulting, and i was his mother, and he did not change while I was in a relationship with him, but, he has changed, and is a different person now(thanks to some help from therapists).
People can change, but, know your own boundries.
take care