And What Do We Got? A Cuisinart?

This post is going to be as scattered as my mind is right now. I'm all mixed up like a blender.

I wonder if this post talking about a possible end of my marriage is appropriate, given that it's my 200th post. I've been so eager to reach the point of 200, and now that I've reached this milestone, all I feel is confusion and hurt and sadness and shame and fear, and love and happiness and hope, a desperate, clawing, eternally springing hope.

Remember New Year's? I told John Dear everything that I had been holding back -- essentially, that I couldn't stay in a marriage that wasn't a partnership, that was more of a relationship of master & servant, of a parent & child. I told him how I woke up every day and asked myself whether that day would be the one where I decided to leave.

With tears running down both our faces, we recommitted to each other. JD promised that I would never have to feel that way again, that he would change and we'd be happy together.

As in all things, there's been a bit of backsliding. John Dear is being demanding and demeaning. Arguing with me and calling me names in front of others. This is not about his Asperger's. This is about JD not being an adult yet.

Well, I can't wait forever for him to change. I don't know if it is possible for JD to change or if he is, I don't know if I can stay here waiting for him for as long as it takes him to do so.

I figure there are three options:
1. John Dear doesn't change, I stay in the marriage, we (eventually) have children, and I stay somewhat happy, but mostly unhappy for the rest of our lives together.

2. John Dear works to change, I stay in the marriage, we (eventually) have children, and I stay mostly happy and hopefully completely happy for the rest of our lives together.

3. I leave. Who knows what happens after that?

I can't figure out whether or not I've explained this previously, but in case I haven't, John Dear has just started his "health sabbatical." This is 2 months for him to completely rehab the foot that he had surgery on in October 2007. He's been in steady pain since then, first recovering from surgery, then because he didn't start walking fast enough, then because his crutches were wrong, then because the physical therapists he was seeing were jokes, then because he had to walk "a lot" for his job (allegedly). Essentially, John Dear (with my support) quit his job due to health reasons because he was going to be fired due to his very poor attitude.

As Dr. Chai and I reasoned it out, you've got nothing to worry about but getting better, so go do it. See, his poor health and all of his other issues prevent him from being a true partner, and if he was able to better his health, all of his other issues would likely be ameliorated and our marriage would be a happy one. JD agreed with all of this reasoning.

So, he's got these 2 months to show me that's he committed to our marriage and to the family that we will have, that we share the same values, that I'm neither his mother nor his camp counselor, that I'm his partner -- his wife. After these 2 months, I can't say and he can't say that I didn't do everything, everything, to make this work.

All of the above was this past weekend and yesterday morning. Yesterday evening, I spoke to John Dear and told him a little bit of what I've been feeling, confining the conversation to his fighting and name-calling and my need for him to help. He has promised to change, knowing that I'm aware change is hard and won't happen immediately.

Last night was lovely. We had a fun time together talking and being with each other. It made me remember why we got together in the first place. So, what do I do with all that I was feeling this weekend? I was convinced that in 2 months, I would make the decision to leave. Now, I'm in this. I'll stay. But this is the real test. Can he change and stay changed? I'm not sure, and that's why I'm all over the place.