Um, uh, hm

A cold, a cough, congestion, Chinese food and crappy TV. Happy New Year!

New Year's resolutions? I'm not gonna be fooled by that crap again. No resolutions; I give them too much power.

My three wishes for 2009 (because good things come in threes too)

1. Health (mental and physical)
2. House within 15 minutes of company ready (see FlyLady)
3. Happiness (2008 was a 6.5; I'd like to make 2009 at least a 7).

Much love and good wishes to all who are following my journey. I thank G-D for all of you each day. Happy New Year!!

Patient Zero

Not that all colds start with me, just that I got the cold first in my house. John Dear swears that he has illness too, but he may just trying to be a part of my world.

Stayed home from work today. JD is taking care of me, making endless cups of tea, dealing with my whining and now making me chicken noodle soup. He's also watching four million episodes of Jon & Kate + 8. Voluntarily. He rocks right now.

It snowed for literally 1 minute this morning, though the sun was shining and the skies were blue. I took some pictures, but don't think they came out. It was weird.

I hope to post new year's wishes (not resolutions) today, but first, I must drink my tea and eat my soup.

May we all have a happy and healthy (soon, please) new year in 2009!!

Back Home

John Dear and I are back home from our Caribbean cruise vacation with my parents and my sister. A lovely time -- only 24 hours of really bad sea-sickness and 1 major panic attack (induced from very rough seas and me not taking my meds - will I ever learn?). I had a massage and also had my first acupuncture treatment! Fabulous and will definitely do it again.

JD was off his meds all week, at the instruction of his doctor, so that they could determine a new baseline for him. Except for one instance of miscommunication, when he blew up, but quickly calmed down, he was wonderful. More like himself than I've ever seen him. I always suspected that he was wrongly medicated and I'm pretty sure this week proved it.

Am now catching up on everyone's news - over 600 posts for me on Google Reader. Yikes! Hoping that everyone out there continues to have happy holidays and a very happy new year.

Not Sure

SIL sent me a long email last night and I'm not really sure where she's going with it. Maybe vacation brain came to me too early. Wanna take a crack at explaining? I'm interested to hear your comments.

Backstory: SIL is all about homebirth, breastfeeding et al. She had an easy time of conception, pregnancy and midwife-assisted births (one at a birth home, one a homebirth) of both her children. Over Thanksgiving, SIL confessed her worries to me that ART = bad things. Later, I sent her a link to Mrs. Spock's post about the Great Birth Debate because I thought SIL would find it interesting.

Now, SIL has sent me the following email, and I just don't get it. Do you?

---

From: SIL
To: Jendeis
RE: The Great Birth Debate

Okay,
I put the last two paragraphs up front so I can try to explain my rant. Its
probably going to make you cry. I do it because I can’t think of any other way to emphasize that woman put herself where she ended up. Its a nasty
self-fulfilling circular event and I don’t know how to pull people out of it by being nice.
---
I’m not being nice. I’m sorry. I know this is so hard for you guys. I just can’t begin to explain how much of the labor is mental. And it is a real issue. You can think/worry you’re baby to death. **Name Removed** did. She wished and wished for a miscarriage and it didn’t happen. Instead she got a full term baby with a heart defect who died shortly after birth. It stank for her, knowing she’d killed her baby. Just like women can wish themselves into an induction/section.

I’m not saying I think you can wish yourself pregnant. That is a whole different issue. I’m just saying that when you hang out with the infertile/preemie/overdue/section/formula crowd you set yourself up for issues. It stinks that you have to work harder to have a baby and then even harder to keep it out of the miasma of substandard care that is the American standard. I do know of one very good birth therapist? I guess you’d call her. Someone who can help you unearth and work through your birth issues. We all have them. I think everyone should have the chance to work with someone who can help them – it would be better prenatal care than anything you’ll find in an MDs office.
---
So lets recap [Mrs. Spock's post]. Infertile = failure. Baby won’t position = failure. Finds an excuse that baby is in dire trouble (kick counts) = failure to get to term. Induction = failed. C/s and fails to breast feed. Great she followed down the path and now thinks if she has another kid she wants another section. Why even bother, right.

She’s an ICU nurse. She dwelled on all that could go wrong. She found reasons she needed to work with and OB and be delivered in a hospital. Doesn’t say what type of birth/delivery her doula had. Thrush sucks, yeah. But 3 weeks doesn’t strike me as all that committed. Did she say, try pumping and bottle feeding breast milk – see if that helped her nipples? Did she, change her diet and give up all white flour and sugar – yeah its hard but what’s it worth to double your baby’s chance of surviving their first year?

She bought a ticket on the failure/hospital/OB train and rode it all the way.

I’m not on board with this give women choices. Let them decide where they feel safer. That is a load of crap in my opinion. Women don’t feel safer in a hospital. Women choose hospital care because its cheap and easy and lets them be one of the crowd. If we made homebirth free and hospitals $10,000 to walk in the door suddenly people would feel safer at home. If we lived somewhere most women had homebirths it’d be the hospital birthers that would stick out.

Same with the bottle. Oh, “I went to a LLL meeting. Oh I tried. It just didn’t work.”

Maybe she’s the Mom who came to one meeting with her kid at 2 weeks on
a pacifier, who had just been with the LC the day before who told her Throw out every pacifier in the house.” And we told her constant contact, skin to skin and nursing as often as you can will increase your milk supply. So she kept her infant, awake strapped in the car seat for 2 hours with a pacifier in its mouth and never touched it – just put the pacifier back in. Or the other one who came in same issue but concerned about latch. She nodded and repeated, “Hold them, constant contact as she sat on the floor feeding a bottle. Told the leaders, “Oh that would be great for you to check her latch while she’s nursing.” Unbuckled her kid – burped her and strapped her back in. Then when the baby was hungry 30 minutes later she mixed up a fresh batch of formula and fed that without touching her kid. So they can say LLL failed them but they tried. I’m see too many selfish lazy b_____ that claim it for me not to suspect that’s the majority. (I count my own mother among those to selfish to do the right thing.)

Its like someone who does crappy work and misses their deadlines saying
don’t fire me I come in on time and leave on time. Yeah, you’re in the office
but if you’re staring into space and not working it doesn’t count.

There is an enormous mental component. And it terrifies me what I see
thrown at most women. It comes from all directions, everyone has horror stories. Everyone asks, “How are you doing?” Come on! What’s the implication? Do you ask healthy women that or cancer victims?

I’m not saying infertility doesn’t suck. I’m saying that its puts you
even further back on the path to believing in yourself. It sets you up to trust the medical community and to believe that you need their care. Maybe some infertility cases do. But if the pregnancy is healthy why should a fertility treatment pregnancy be different from a non-fertility treatment pregnancy?

And I think kick counts are bogus crap. I know plenty of women who had
a busy day forgot to do their counts, got nervous and realized the baby wasn’t moving which freaked them out more (of course the baby stops moving when you’re freaking out!!!). When you have a midwife you ignore it, pray and eventually its fine. When you have an OB you have an induction and formula feed and thank G-d you were in the right place for them to save your baby.

You think I’m jaded and disgusted with what I see the fertility treatment pregnancies go through? You should see what the poor SOBs that are
having affairs or feel guilty about their previous abortions put themselves
through. Best way I know to have a seriously painful labor with a 3-4th degree tear and end up on anti-depression meds.

I’m not being nice. I’m sorry. I know this is so hard for you guys. I just can’t begin to explain how much of the labor is mental. And it is a real
issue. You can think/worry you’re baby to death. **Name Removed** did. She wished and wished for a miscarriage and it didn’t happen. Instead she got a full term baby with a heart defect who died shortly after birth. It stank for her, knowing she’d killed her baby. Just like women can wish themselves into an induction/section.

I’m not saying I think you can wish yourself pregnant. That is a whole
different issue. I’m just saying that when you hang out with the
infertile/preemie/overdue/section/formula crowd you set yourself up for issues. It stinks that you have to work harder to have a baby and then even harder to keep it out of the miasma of substandard care that is the American standard. I do know of one very good birth therapist? I guess you’d call her. Someone who can help you unearth and work through your birth issues. We all have them. I think everyone should have the chance to work with someone who can help them – it would be better prenatal care than anything you’ll find in an MDs office.

Dream Interpretation

I had a dream last night that a co-worker of mine had 10 kids, lived in one of my company's properties in Indiana and I had to drive them all around in an old brown station wagon (you know, the one with wood panelling) to meet a school bus.

What was going on in my brain last night?

Had to Share

Click to read the whole thing.

This Little Light 'o Mine

...thinks you might be a little full of sh*t.

But let me explain. With encouraging noises from friends and my nutritionist, I signed up for a Yoga for Fertility class. I attended the first class last night. I had never taken a yoga class before, so I was excited to go. I also thought that since the class was dealing with a bunch of sensitive infertiles that the guru? leader? yogi? instructor would be a little more forgiving with someone who has absolutely no idea what they are doing.

Overall, I had a really good experience. The class was small - only 7 people + the teacher. We took off our shoes before we were allowed to enter the dim, candle-lit room. Our teacher had already set out mats and blankets and yoga blocks (foam blocks the size of a Kleenex box, used to help maintain poses) for us.

First, the teacher talked in general about the class and then told us her fertility journey. She discussed the different levels of the body/mind/soul that we would try to reach and that inside, was our own bliss, our inner light.

We each then talked about where we were in our own journeys and why we were in the class. Lots of sympathy and nodding and a few tears from each of us. All of the students are women and I'm the only one who is dealing with male-factor. I expected to be the only one who was not currently in treatments or in between treatments and I was correct in that.

Then, our teacher had us line up on one side of the room, close our eyes and think about a positive moment in our lives. After a few seconds, she had us open our eyes, cross over to the other side of the room and think about a negative moment in our lives. We did this about three or four times.

After that fourth time, I'm thinking, "Come on already!" Now, the happy moment was tinged by the sad moment I had just been feeling, and (typical of me), there was no happy moment affecting any of the sad. Finally, she stopped us and explained that life is like that walk we just did. There are good sides and bad sides and in between is yoga, allowing all feelings and centering yourself. Mental exhale of frustration from me. Fine; but that was a long way to go for a small payoff.

Our teacher then lights a sage branch and explains that, one at a time, we should walk over to our area of the negative wall and wave the branch around, because the smoke is supposed to be cleansing and will remove the negativity in the area. You can also wave it around any part of you that feels the need to be cleansed.

Took a long time to do this, and I feel like everyone is trying to take this seriously, but not really believing any of it. I did like smelling the sage everywhere in the room. It kind of forced you to breathe deeply, and that seemed like a good effect.

Finally, our teacher led us through some basic poses and the salutations that we would be doing. She took care to make sure that I was positioning myself correctly (I was the only one who had no previous yoga experience), but she didn't make a big deal of singling me out, which I liked.

At the end, she instructed us to keep finding that light inside of ourselves over the course of the next week and had us say "namaste" (meaning: I honor the divine light in me and I honor the divine light in you) to each other.

I really liked it, but the teacher often let herself run away with the ethereal, spiritual stuff. I'm not sure if I'm just the biggest cynic in the room or that we were all so desperate to find some peace in this journey that we were willing to do anything it took. I certainly feel that way sometimes.

I don't know if yoga will be the way that I connect with my inner light, but I can see that it could become a useful tool for me. So, to all of you, namaste.

Jumpstart Eating Plan

As I posted previously, I've been meeting with a nutritionist connected with my fertility clinic in order to lose weight quickly but healthfully.

I've been successful using her methods, but we're trying to jumpstart my weight loss and get ahead of impending holiday parties and a cruise vacation at the end of the month. (In case you have not been on a cruise, cruises are just one gigantic, 24 hour-a-day operating buffet).

So, I was concerned about maintaining my weight loss, let alone continuing it throughout the month of December. Here's what the nutritionist has me on now.

NO WHEAT

NO DAIRY

NO SUGAR*

I thought I'd die, but it's actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be. My typical day is:

Breakfast
--Smoothie made with whey protein powder, rice milk, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup of other fruit, some ice cubes

Snack (optional)
--Apple w/ handful of no-salt added whole almonds

Lunch
--Same as Breakfast

Snack (optional, but this is where I invariably need snack)
--Luna bar

Dinner
--Protein + veggies

The second smoothie can be had for dinner and regular food for lunch, but I usually wind up having regular food for dinner.

Drinks on the plan = water or herbal tea. This killed me, because I am a cup o' joe a day girl. Plus milk and sugar. The first day, I didn't even realized why I had the migraine and nausea from hell. So, I've been drinking 1 cup of black coffee (yuck) every day since then.

I've been doing the plan for a week now. Hopefully, I can keep it up until we go on the cruise. We slept through Weight Watchers on Sunday, so I have not been able to weigh myself. Yet my clothes are looking and feeling huge on me, so I'm positive that I'm making progress. Yay!

*Except fruit

Sign of the Times

For the past few weeks, Fairy Godmother (my therapist, for any new readers) has been tracking my depression on a number of different variables. I thought I'd share these to give an example of a psychoanalytic method as well as to memorialize it for myself.

First, Fairy Godmother had me take one of those standardized depression tests. This was a lengthier version of the ones you find online or in a depression medication advertisement.

We then picked out the subjects where I scored the highest (read: "You're Depressed, M---er F*&^er!") and are using those, along with ones that shape my particular situation to a log that we track each week at our sessions.

---

Depression Tracker 5000

(not available in stores)

Over the past week, you have been feeling ___ on a 1 - 10 scale. Here, 1 = not at all/very little and 10 = all the time/bring in the straitjacket.

General Depression
1. Downhearted and blue
2. Crying jags or needing to cry
3. Unending hopelessness

Focus/Disassociation
4. Feeling spacey
5. Unable to focus
6. Losing time

Inner Turmoil
7. Useless and not needed
8. I am BAD (broken/rotten/innately bad)
9. Others (and I) would be better off if I were dead
10. Suicidal ideation [comprises desires to kill myself, thinking about methods, and "storyboarding" (basically seeing/daydreaming about taking all the steps to complete a suicide)]

Marriage
11. Feeling negatively about my marriage
12. Questioning whether I made the right choice to marry John Dear
13. Resenting John Dear for not being a true partner due to physical/emotional/mental disabilities

---

Logging these feelings each week has been helpful for Fairy Godmother and also for myself. It's very easy to only look at how I'm feeling on a particular day or in one particular episode, so the trackers force ask me to view all episodes in the context of an entire week.

Virtual Shower for Antigone

Welcome to another site of the virtual shower for Antigone Lost.

Let's shower her with good wishes and gifts for Perseus' impending arrival. I hope that all of our wishes and prayers in the universe help Antigone to healthily finish her pregnancy and have a safe and happy labor and birth.

Remember also to send out good vibes to Antigone as she takes the LSAT tomorrow! I know she will do fabulous - cause she has sure rocked all of her practice exams!

December Scattergories

Not just the situation in my brain, but a game hosted by Calliope:

SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or let Callie know if you play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on & use your imagination! Use the first letter of the answer to the first question to come up with answers for the rest.

1 )What is the name of your favorite Holiday themed song? O Holy Night

2) Something on your wish list. Oil or Candle-burning Menorah

3) Something you plan on baking. Old-Time Cookie Bars

4) Something you plan on giving. One major ass-whupping to SIL for her IF insensitivity

5) Something you plan on avoiding eating. Onions, Bloomin', that is

6) Something you plan on adding to the chorus of ‘12 Days of Christmas’. One Hundred Mothers-in-law nagging

7) Something you plan on returning/ re-gifting. Open-toed shoes (don't fit)

8 ) Something you wish was stuffed into your stocking (heh). Oprah's favorite things

9) Some place you wish you could travel to this month. Oslo

10) Something you will decorate with. One menorah