Monday, December 8, 2008

Sign of the Times

For the past few weeks, Fairy Godmother (my therapist, for any new readers) has been tracking my depression on a number of different variables. I thought I'd share these to give an example of a psychoanalytic method as well as to memorialize it for myself.

First, Fairy Godmother had me take one of those standardized depression tests. This was a lengthier version of the ones you find online or in a depression medication advertisement.

We then picked out the subjects where I scored the highest (read: "You're Depressed, M---er F*&^er!") and are using those, along with ones that shape my particular situation to a log that we track each week at our sessions.

Depression Tracker 5000
(not available in stores)

Over the past week, you have been feeling ___ on a 1 - 10 scale. Here, 1 = not at all/very little and 10 = all the time/bring in the straitjacket.

General Depression
1. Downhearted and blue
2. Crying jags or needing to cry
3. Unending hopelessness

4. Feeling spacey
5. Unable to focus
6. Losing time

Inner Turmoil
7. Useless and not needed
8. I am BAD (broken/rotten/innately bad)
9. Others (and I) would be better off if I were dead
10. Suicidal ideation [comprises desires to kill myself, thinking about methods, and "storyboarding" (basically seeing/daydreaming about taking all the steps to complete a suicide)]

11. Feeling negatively about my marriage
12. Questioning whether I made the right choice to marry John Dear
13. Resenting John Dear for not being a true partner due to physical/emotional/mental disabilities

Logging these feelings each week has been helpful for Fairy Godmother and also for myself. It's very easy to only look at how I'm feeling on a particular day or in one particular episode, so the trackers force ask me to view all episodes in the context of an entire week.


nancy said...

I'm really glad you have a fairy godmother that you are able to believe in. ~hugs~

Anonymous said...

Fairy Godmother sounds very clever... I like that you are able to track what is setting you off Jen...

Sending you much love and HUGS!