Sign of the Times

For the past few weeks, Fairy Godmother (my therapist, for any new readers) has been tracking my depression on a number of different variables. I thought I'd share these to give an example of a psychoanalytic method as well as to memorialize it for myself.

First, Fairy Godmother had me take one of those standardized depression tests. This was a lengthier version of the ones you find online or in a depression medication advertisement.

We then picked out the subjects where I scored the highest (read: "You're Depressed, M---er F*&^er!") and are using those, along with ones that shape my particular situation to a log that we track each week at our sessions.

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Depression Tracker 5000

(not available in stores)

Over the past week, you have been feeling ___ on a 1 - 10 scale. Here, 1 = not at all/very little and 10 = all the time/bring in the straitjacket.

General Depression
1. Downhearted and blue
2. Crying jags or needing to cry
3. Unending hopelessness

Focus/Disassociation
4. Feeling spacey
5. Unable to focus
6. Losing time

Inner Turmoil
7. Useless and not needed
8. I am BAD (broken/rotten/innately bad)
9. Others (and I) would be better off if I were dead
10. Suicidal ideation [comprises desires to kill myself, thinking about methods, and "storyboarding" (basically seeing/daydreaming about taking all the steps to complete a suicide)]

Marriage
11. Feeling negatively about my marriage
12. Questioning whether I made the right choice to marry John Dear
13. Resenting John Dear for not being a true partner due to physical/emotional/mental disabilities

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Logging these feelings each week has been helpful for Fairy Godmother and also for myself. It's very easy to only look at how I'm feeling on a particular day or in one particular episode, so the trackers force ask me to view all episodes in the context of an entire week.