Not only am I the crazily funny, yet funnily crazy whackadoo that you've all come to know and love, I am also a lying liar who lies. Before getting up in arms, sit a spell and I'll 'splain this.
When I was young, my father was a (how should I put this?) volatile figure. Frequent and unexplained mood changes, rages, and the like. Imagine the textbook behavior of an alcoholic, but no alcohol, solely emotional mindscrewing. I developed into the textbook child of an alcoholic -- someone who ranks all of their needs last (if at all) and willing to do or say anything to please their loved one. Essentially, a liar.
Here's the problem with that. Well, a problem with that. How do you (John Dear) rely on a spouse (Jendeis) when they play emotional three-card monte with you? Sure, it's nice to know that they are trying to please you and make you happy, but their behavior is not conducive to secure feelings about the state of your relationship. Add in the fact that your mind (JD's) doesn't really unravel emotional issues so well and you get "a full on Monet," something that looks fine at first glance, but up close is a big ol' mess.
So, that's what we're working on now. Baby stuff (having one, doing treatments, whether or not to use donor sperm) is all on hold until "we" feel "we" can be honest with one another.
Honestly? I'm 85% in (committed, stay together, have a family), 5% out (as in, this is too hard, it shouldn't be so damn hard) and 10% ida know, I'll do whatever you tell me to do.
More on the importance of emotional honesty tomorrow...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Couch Time
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9 comments:
Hang in there. Always thinking of you. :-)
You have my thoughts
This is cleverly written. I always enjoy your crazily funny, yet whackadoo posts. I'm thinking about you, chica.
Abiding with you, Jendeis, as you figure all this stuff out.
*hugs*
This is the problem with frickin infertility. Most people plan to have babies. Then they have babies. Then they're occupied, for the foreseeable future, with caring for babies. From conception to college they just don't have that much time to think, with their stupid show-offy baby brains.
Infertile people get WAY too much thinking time. They are forced to make decisions and analyze their relationship in a way neither Mother Nature or even Freud ever intended.
Honestly, I think most coupled-up people have at least a 5% get-me-outa-here drive. I certainly do. It lives with me, muttering and tempting, sometimes screwing with my self-esteem, sometimes making considerable sense.
You are not a liar. You are an exceedingly honest person struggling with the ramifications of life's slings and arrows.
I hope you work it out a bit, but please don't feel you need to work it out entirely. For a start, that would just be boring. For a second, it would remove on of life's great pleasures — the bit where you get to go, "Oh, what the hell? Let's do it!"
I don't know if this even makes sense to your predicament. If it doesn't, please instead accept this sloppy smooch on the cheek.
*SMOOCH*
You rock.
With you all the way Jen while you figure this situation out. Hang in there.
xxx
If you want my opinion, I don't think you're a liar. Everything you write seems very honest.
Thinking of you through all this
Its not lying- it's fear. Fear of being hurt. You hide your emotions so that you will be loved, but in fact need to loveyourself more... to believe that you are loved unconditionally. But don't blame yourself for the "three card monte"- I think sometimes you need to in order to protect yourself. But now is the time to be honest. You owe yourself and JD that before you think of other measures.
And I don't think this is about "overanalysizing." You are in an extremely difficult marriage wherein infertility is the least of your problems.
BFF
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