Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Pits of Despair

I'm writing because I have to put these feelings somewhere. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll just drown in this poison of rage and depression that I'm feeling right now. My friend told me this morning that I'm a ticking time-bomb and that if I don't do something about this, that I'm going to explode.

I'm so enraged that it has just burned over into a depression. I want to scream, but if I start, I'm worried that I won't be able to stop. I want to run and cry and hit things and throw things. I just want to lay down and hide.

I am alone.

My husband is a child who never grew up; never learned the skills that are necessary as an adult. Like the fact that one must go to work and not just skip out early or refuse to go because you are tired or don't feel like it. This has been a problem with all of the jobs that JD has had since the time that I met him. He blames everything on everyone else -- they were mean to me, or they don't like me or understand me. TFB!!! Man up and go to your job!

How can we have children when there is only one adult in this marriage? I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I love JD. I know that. But I have nothing left. He is so self-centered -- everything is about him. I know now that it will never "be my time." I thought that we'd just get him over this hump and we'd get a break, but no. I'm expected to completely sublimate myself. I just want to run away. We are supposed to travel to a wedding this weekend. Will JD even go now? I do want him to be there with me.

I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow evening for our regular appointment. Hopefully, she and I can come up with some options.


Juggling Frogs said...

Hang in there Jendeis. You've both been through a lot lately.

TTC can be grueling. We have a need to plan our life and imagine our future. But that's hard to do when riding the Hypothetical Rollercoaster. Just when you find out it didn't work, you get a blast of hormones to make it feel even worse.

I'm really glad you have an appointment today. You are not alone.

Does JD have an appointment scheduled, too? How is he doing, post-surgery?

Jen said...

I am reading all the Creme de la Creme posts. Thanks for writing this. It helps to know I am not the only one who has these feelings.

Almamay said...

Found this post from Creme de la Creme. You are definitely not alone. There are plenty of marriages where there is only one adult. Mine is one of them!

shinejil said...

I was really touched by your frustration, because I had a similar problem in my first marriage and felt that I was expected to raise my husband as well as any future children. I'm sure there are ways to work with your guy, and I'm so glad you have a therapist on your side to give you some techniques. I wish I had had that.

It is very difficult to deal with IF, and even more difficult when your partner isn't able or willing to share the difficulty. My heart goes out to you and wishes you great happiness in 2008.

Kathy V said...

I came here via the creme. I believe each of us has a child locked somewhere deep in our inner souls. Some more thaan others. I think many men fall into the childlike ways more often though. You are not alone. Many of us been there.

kate said...

Another Creme de la Creme person. I think I can relate a little bit to what you are conveying here. My husband has a very different work ethic than I do (I'm probably more like your husband- I'll use any excuse ever to get out of a day of work). However, emotionally, he's extremely immature sometimes. I am constantly comforting him, and wondering when it will ever be my turn. He's so sensitive sometimes that I can't even bring up something relating to a possible mistake on his part without getting tears from him, and that sucks. I just want to be able to be the baby sometimes. I would love to be the one that gets taken care of, you know?

Anyhow, thanks for posting this. It was refreshing to read.