Thursday, June 26, 2008

And On to the Next One

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. AF is definitely here and she's a lousy house guest.

I feel so much like the girl who cried wolf, or pregnant, as the case may be. Why should I be trusted? Why should I trust my body? I know that we're dealing with MF and I can't do anything to change those numbers, but my body keeps making me believe. Dr. Chai, who I saw this afternoon, said that I was so focused on becoming pregnant that anything could be turned into something that it wasn't. Basically, a cigar is just a cigar.

But those feelings were there. They didn't come out of thin air. I feel so let-down and cheated. I feel like I don't ever want to tell you about what ifs or tell John Dear or my mother or BFF about what ifs because it's just never happening. I feel like I want to eat all the food in the world and just stuff myself so that I don't have to feel anything.

13 comments:

Marie said...

I am so very sorry. This is what I use my blog for. If I want to self diagnose myself every month then I can do it on my blog. Do not feel bad we ALL do it. Take a look around at other 2ww waiters, we look for every symptom in the the book and you know what? That is ok. Don't worry if you think you have symptoms and even if you wish them into existance this is the place to do it!!

Don't give up hope or second guess how you are "supposed" to feel and what you are "supposed" to do.

Go ahead and eat a little (low-fat or regular) ice cream and nobody will look. (hugs)

LJ said...

Dammit! Well, you and I can rag together or as someone on DCist said "Ride the Red Line". I think she's visiting me too

Meghan said...

I'm so sorry. I really think its impossible to not get your hopes up when you want something THAT much. I always took it all out on my blog, that way I didn't have to put anyone else through my insane rollercoaster.

Indulge in a little something tonight, you've earned it and you actually burn more calories when that bitch AF is in town

Anonymous said...

Recall that your BFF thought she was going to die of a heart attack within a year (per doctor) but is still alive over a year later... the only heart attack come close is the fact that the Starbuck's man accidently gave her a double shot expresso coffee drink instead of her regular house brew this morning. It said so on the cup!
So if you think a non-pregnancy pregnancy bothers her, you must smoke crack... she had a fake death plan at the age of 31!!!

But I am sorry. I love you very much. You can tell me whatever the hell you want. I told you elephants here music and do little dances to it!

And you can tell me tommorrow you are pregnant, but have your period. Don't ever worry. Without hope, then there is no point to this crazy thing we call life. In fact, you belief that you will get pregnant naturally is wayless far fetched then the belief that I may be able to pay off my student loans someday!

Your BFF

Jen said...

I'm sorry! We've all been there before. Cry pregnant all you'd like, we'll all hope with you.

alison said...

I'm so sorry. :( I was convinced right along with you! It's ok to hope, don't ever quit that.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm sorry, Jendeis. I was really hoping this would be your magic month. I agree with everyone else, though - cry pregnant all you want. I'm starting to see that we have to enjoy the hope when it decides to visit us, so I figure we might as well have fun with it, even if we might get disappointed. I know how you feel about the food and I hope you can find a way to nurture yourself AND stay somewhat within your goals of healthier eating that you've set for yourself. I am not dealing with losing weight, but most comfort foods are off limits to me for health reasons, so I know how hard it is when you need something to get you through the difficult emotions. Hang in there and take it easy on yourself no matter what!
Big hugs.

Tricia said...

Oh hon, I am right there with you. Misery loves company and we seem to be the only two BBer's with BFN's this week. I'm sorry that you got your hopes up. Have a nice two point glass of wine and indulge a little. Hugs.

Cajunchic said...

I am so sorry. Your doctor sounds rather uncompassionate. You very well could have been pregnant. I had an extremely early miscarriage where this exact thing happened.

Fertilized said...

UGH.. This is so sad news Jendeis. I am so very sorry

theclam said...

SO sorry Jen! Sending you huge South African HUGS!!!

Leah said...

Well, shit. I will never, ever tire of your what ifs. I find it refreshing that you still have hope -- I was so evil, bitter and negative most of the time. Be nice to yourself today. Perhaps you should have 4 points worth of wine...

Amanda said...

I am sorry that it's not happening this month. Hang in there. Keep trying and don't give up hope.