ICLW - Day 7

Hosea wins Top Chef? Man, that was unlikely. Hosea is a very lucky man that the judges only considered the meal in front of them for their decision.* Otherwise, the Fish Chef's mediocre performances would have found him out on his arse.

I had been rooting for Carla, the cheftestant who resembles (to me, at least) a Fraggle. I wasn't rooting for her because of her Fraggle-ness, I feel that she's a gifted chef who delivers when it counts. Plus, she's from DC. Hootie Hoo!

I think Carla's problem, however, was in listening too much to Casey. Why would you discount your own ideas for someone who didn't even win the dang competition? Didn't Richard lose last season on a sous vide dish?

I completely agree with the analysts at Television Without Pity that Stefan was never a villain, though the production "elves" tried to twist the editing to make it seem that way throughout the season. His behavior towards Carla during and after the final challenge proves how caring a person he is.

Anyway, congratulations to Hosea on his win and many good wishes to Carla and Stefan. I hope to hear great things about you in the future.

* A criterion that the show's fans have been screaming about and pestering for since the beginning of the show. Now? Now, they decide to do the right thing? Also, many, many thanks to Tom Colicchio for pointing out to Toby Young that he was being a little twerp for wanting a dessert when the rules specifically stated that the cheftestants didn't have to do a dessert.

Comments Left At:
1. Schroedinger's Zygote
2. Baby OCD
3. I Think I Hear Your Mother Calling
4. The Great Big If
5. Chez Perky

Comment Returned To:
1. Here is to another day

ICLW - Day 6

I didn't stay up to watch Governor Jindal's response to President Obama's address. Wonder if I should have, as it's making big rounds on the political blogs as to how bad it was. Should try to see if I can find it on YouTube; or I could just watch Jon Stewart's take on it.

Comments Left At:
1. Maybe I Will Have a Glass
2. Who Shot My Stork?
3. A Mother in Israel
4. A Few Good Sperm
5. Antigone Lost

Comment Returned To:
1. Awake in the World

Global Warming Protest

ICLW - Day 5

For an intro to my blog, click here.

While I was up in Bahstahn (gotta say it like a native), John Dear had dinner with his parents. I think this did a lot of good as they were able to discuss specifics without me there and talk about JD's concerns. His parents told him that all they wanted was for JD to be happy and that in whatever manner our children came into our family, they were our children and our family. JD told me that he now understands that what would make him happy is having a child, not a genetic link to a child. So, JD is on board with using donor sperm.

Now, we just have to decide if we're both in this marriage. We're not going to try and have a baby while we're unsure about US.

I've been talking this through with some close friends, BFF, my Fairy G-dmother and my mother. Right now, I'm working through the angle of whether or not JD would be a good parent to our child. I think he would be good at the fun stuff, but he can also be scary with his moods. Plus, his lack of logical thinking and reason/reasonableness isn't a good trait to have when being a parent.

I don't know how this will turn out.
________________________________

Comments Left At:
1. Ima on (and off) the Bima
2. Barren Is the New Black
3. This Side of Eternity
4. Happy to Be at Home
5. Mulberry Spot

Comment Returned To:
1. Baby Making Journey
________________________________

Looking for tips and hints on decorating, kids, cooking and more? Just looking for interesting blog posts? Stop by the Works for Me Wednesday blog carnival hosted every Wednesday by We Are That Family.

ICLW - Day 4

Back from freezing Boston to chilly DC. Now, I'm trying to catch up on all the blog reading that I missed this weekend and yesterday.

Comments Left At:
1. The Meatless Chulent
2. Israeli Kitchen
3. Smitten Kitchen
4. Life in the White House
5. Eggs on Sunday

It looks like I only read food blogs, but it's not true. :)

Comment Returned To:
1. A View on My Life

ICLW - Day 3

For an intro to my blog, please see my post here.


Greetings from sunny but verrrry cold Boston! Up here to teach a class at my alma mater on real estate investment. Specifically, I'll be talking about tools once can use to turn bad deals into good ones.


Let me say a big "Yay!" for the expected but hopeful win of Slumdog Millionaire for Best Picture. I watched the show till I fell asleep, somewhere around Best Song (yay "Jive Ho"!).


Sarah Jessica Parker, please meet me at Camera 1. Dude, you are 42. You were not getting married last night. When James Bond has to give you a wide berth due to your dress, it's too large. Stop this nonsense. Thank you.


And now for the blogs...


Comments Left At
1. Conceive This!
2. MoJo Working
3. The Great Big If...
4. The New Life of Nancy
5. Before there were more


Comment Returned At
1. Dragondreamer's Lair/The Fertile Infertile

IComLeavWe - Day 2

Hello! For an intro to my blog, please check the post below this one.

Yesterday, John Dear and I attended the Best Picture showcase at our local movie theater. We saw all five movies nominated for Best Picture (Milk, The Reader, Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon). I am definitely rooting for Slumdog Millionaire (or, as the host of the show says it "Melonaire"). We were at the theater from 10 AM on Saturday till just after midnight today. It was so much fun!!

Since I didn't get any computer time yesterday, I'm doubling up on comments today.

Comments Left Today for these Bloggers
1. Stirrup Queens
2. Baby Smiling in Back Seat
3. Dragondreamer's Lair/The Fertile Infertile
4. Musings of a Fat Chick
5. Portraits in Sepia
6. Trying for a Baby
7. Life and Times of Kimbosue
8. LaRay's Crazy World
9. There's a Baby at the End of This, Right?
10. Sticky Feet (Part Deux)

Comments Returned Today
1. Making Me Mom
2. Beautiful Mess

IComLeavWe - February - Day 1

Welcome and hello to my regular readers and those stopping by from IComLeaveWe.

A short intro for those not familiar with my story: John Dear (JD) and I have been married for 3.5 years and trying to have a kid for almost 2.

IF-wise: we are hampered by severe male-factor (low, low, low motility), and our clinic will not do ART on women whose BMI is resting somewhere between Dayum and Fluffy. I have successfully lost 20 pounds since our diagnosis date. I would like to pursue IUI with donor sperm to avoid John Dear's genetic, medical issues; he's still considering.

Life-wise: JD is currently between jobs (again). Our marriage has fallen on some very hard times. I'm waiting for Candid Camera to jump out of a closet as my life turns into a country-western song.

Come join in the fun and follow along!!

Anyways

While I sort out my personal life, please enjoy a pic of one of the coolest cakes ever!! Many thanks to KimC who posted about this on her blog.

Recipe and picture from Betty Crocker - here

Trust

Thank you so much for all the support over the last few days. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Monday and Tuesday were very good relationship days. "Good" in that I felt John Dear was trying to be a true partner in the marriage, doing household chores and allowing me to spend time with friends as needed. So, I moved over to the "Stay" side.

Yesterday, JD went to therapy. Now, due to the way that JD's mind works, the lessons of therapy that are discussed in his sessions are not always the lessons that he takes away. Imagine it as a game of telephone. Only it's all in JD's head. And his version of logic isn't really logic, but some weird stream of consciousness linking that masquerades as logic.

OK, so JD went to therapy and while we were discussing what he and his therapist had talked about, JD said that the lesson they talked about was that in order for JD to give up his genetic legacy (by using IUI with donor sperm), JD would have to get something in return for that compromise. I'm not really sure that quid pro quo works in this situation and I don't know that JD is really following this line of logic, so we're putting that on the back burner for awhile.

Turns out that the real crux of all this is that JD does not trust me. This has been an issue throughout our entire marriage. He thinks that I don't live up to my end of agreements or bargains that we make when I find the consequences inconvenient. Keep in mind, he's discussing the fact that I ordered steamed dumplings from Chinese delivery last year over his objections because it would not help me to lose weight as opposed to I just want to use donor sperm because I think having a child with Asperger's (and all of JD's other medical issues) would be inconvenient. I don't even think he's considered that last part. He just keeps harping about the freaking dumplings.

In trying to piece together the many trains of thought in this conversation, I came up with the following. JD is concerned that I will not respect him as the father of our child who is able to make disciplinary decisions and have them stick, because just like the pattern seen between his parents, and blowing up trivial things totally out of proportion, I don't care what JD says or what agreements we came to, I want what I want and the consequences be damned.

Realizing that that explanation was not terribly succinct, I will attempt a geometric proof.

Fact A) FIL did not stick by MIL's meted punishments to badly behaving children because he wanted to do what he wanted to do.
Fact B) Jendeis orders dumplings even though she shouldn't because she should be good to lose weight for baby; she doesn't care she just wants dumplings.

Since B is like A, therefore, Jendeis cannot be trusted and she will not stick by JD's meted punishments to badly behaving children. Because she will not respect JD's parenting, QED, Jendeis cannot be trusted.

He doesn't trust me, but "has faith that I will trust you."

When? Who knows? I have to "keep up my end of agreements to show that you can be trusted."

What about all the agreements that I do keep? That doesn't even matter? Basically, you'll trust me when you trust me and that's it and who knows when that might be.

How can he say he loves me, when he doesn't trust me?

I am back in the "Wavering" camp now.

Wavering

Warning: This post is private and personal. If you know me or John Dear IRL, please keep this to yourself or refrain from reading this post. Thank you.

Things are not good. No, let me just put it out there. My marriage is not good. It's never been great, but it's been not good for awhile. There have been two times where it has been bad enough for me to say, things have to change or I'm gone. Each time, JD has tried to change, tried to be more of an adult and a partner to me, but the backslide inevitably comes. Bad things come in threes, so this one is it.

JD is a child. He wants a mother, not a wife. If he could crawl up inside me and live there, he would. He's appointed me to be the captain of this ship, but also the cook, the maid and the cruise director. JD is the tourist who doesn't have to lift a finger, but feels that I should grovel at his feet with gratitude should he deign pick up a towel.

Yet at the same time as he yearns to continue his childlike existence, remaining responsibility-free, he has an overarching desire to control me. Me, who like JD, grew up in a situation with a controlling parent where I did not have control over anything. I chafe at his restraints. I am not a caged bird who sings.

About a month ago, I had a revelation during meditation time in my yoga class. I heard a voice inside me that said, "You will never be whole as long as you're with JD." I tried to argue, "No, no, I will work to be as whole as I can be, creating the whole life for myself that I lack in my marriage." But the voice just pronounced, "You will never be whole as long as you're with JD."

This week, we meditated on our deepest desire. Bubbling up within me, "I want to be free."

When I saw Fairy G-dmother this week, she said that our recent joint session really opened her eyes about JD and the fact that he would never, could never change. She said, "Jen, I love you and I will support you whatever you choose to do. But, your life will not be all that it could be if you stay with him. JD will not get better. Your life now will be your life a year from now, five years from now, fifteen years from now. If you choose to stay with JD, we'll work on keeping you as whole as possible and getting the support that you need from others."

Could I leave? Yes, and I would be OK. I worry about JD. How he would handle it. Would he be all right? Plus, I love him. Shouldn't love be enough to conquer all of these foes? I know that it isn't, but shouldn't it?

Would our marriage be falling apart if we didn't have to deal with IF? Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm confident that all of these weaknesses that IF has exposed would eventually come to the surface. Perhaps they would not have shown themselves all at once, in this unending ocean, where I get figuratively smacked by the waves again and again and again. The tantrums. The physical illnesses. The chronic pain. The mental illnesses. The terrible sex life and his weird fetishes. The inability to hold down a job. The infertility. Maybe, if it had happened slowly, and we had been able to live the dream that we had, I wouldn't be thinking the way that I do. That I just can't do this anymore. That I have to leave him. That I have to save myself.

But I want to stay. I want to be with him. If I haven't left by now, after all that we've gone through, why would I leave now?

Food Fantasy

I've got lots of ideas on what I'd like to eat when I end this detox diet. Actually, I've got so many ideas that I'm undecided. Wanna help me choose? Pick a category below and, if you wish, explain/defend your answer.

This poll will close on Sunday, 2/15 at 10 AM EST.

My Detox Diet

I'm on Day 10 of a 28-day detox diet. It blows, but it's working. My nutritionist recommended it to help flush out any toxins which prevent me from losing weight or help me to gain weight. (Um, I believe that I might be the toxin since I eat a lot. We have found the toxin and it is us).

Anyways, the point of the diet is to cut out various food groups one by one to eliminate the toxins and then carefully add the groups back to see what might be affecting your body in a negative way. So, the first stage you cut out coffee, tea, sugar, dairy products (including eggs) and red meat. Then, you cut out all meat, so your protein is from nuts, beans and the shakes. In Stage 3, where I am now, you are only eating veggies, fruit, their shakes and brown rice.

The diet is careful to state that it is not about weight loss, it's about eliminating toxins. Yet, since I'm eating much less than I normally would, I'm losing weight pretty quickly. I've lost 5 pounds since last week, putting me at my lightest weight since before law school.

I think it's been helping both John Dear and me to refrain from eating so much meat and eggs. Certainly, I think it's going to help our cholesterol levels. I just wish I could get JD to get on the couscous/quinoa bandwagon (Hi, grain addict here). After I'm done with this diet, I do think that I'd like to include more beans and meatless meals in our meals on a regular basis.

What's Goin' On

So, time flies when you are accomplishing little at work. I'm behind on posting and there's a bunch of topics to write about.

First, thank you for the encouragement, wishes, hopes and prayers for us sent from my last post. It helps to know that there are good thoughts being sent into the universe in our direction.

John Dear and I had a joint session with both of our therapists on Sunday to discuss the IVF vs. IUI topic. I think it went as well as I thought it might. JD did not agree at the session to pursue donor sperm; on the other hand, he did say that he would consider it.

I think that JD's therapist made a lot of persuasive points for JD. The most significant point was in noting that JD had fears about being a father in general and that these concerns would not be erased if we happened to use JD's sperm. To paraphrase the good doctor, "JD, you're a worrier. It doesn't matter whose genes this kid has, you're going to worry about it."

So, in the past few days, I've seen JD continuing to wrestle with the issue, but he seems to be settling down more on the donor sperm side. He's begun to actively talk about what he would do with our kids, how they would play on the computer together, how The Boy and our kids would get along and even asked me about specifics of how the IUI and donor sperm process works. I think that these are good signs and things are looking up.

Perseverating

Perseverate: to repeat something insistently or redundantly.

As I've said in previous posts, John Dear and I are now debating/deciding/going back and forth/perseverating on whether or not to try an IVF with JD's sperm or try an IUI with donor sperm.

My mentor advocated doing a pros and cons chart, so let's do that here.

IVF with JD's Sperm -- Pros

• JD will be genetically related to our child. (As will his parents, sister and few remaining relatives).
• No worries about whether JD will be able to love/connect with our child due to non-relation.
• At a lower body weight, less health risk for Jen and baby during pregnancy, (pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc.).
• No worries about how to broach subject with child or other family members.

IVF with JD's Sperm -- Cons

• Child pretty much guaranteed to get all of JD's medical issues.
• Major financial and emotional hardships due to child's medical issues.
• Have to wait a longer time for Jen to lose more weight.
• Weight loss is no guarantee that Jen won't have pregnancy risks.
• Jen will have to be on lots of drugs that may hinder weight loss/put her over weight limit, screw with her emotions and mood, screw with her health.
• Jen will have to miss work for monitoring, retrieval, transfer and recovery.
• JD has to go through aspiration procedure (needles).
• JD may require a longer recovery time than doctors anticipate (as is often the case).
• Financial cost is high.

IUI w/ Donor Sperm -- Pros

• Child won't have JD's medical issues.
• We can start very soon.
• No drugs needed (at least, not for this go round).
• Financial cost is lower.
• JD's family is one that has adoption in it and is unlikely to treat child or us any differently.

IUI w/ Donor Sperm -- Cons

• Child not genetically related to JD.
• Donor may not give/may not know full medical history.
• Child may have genetic/medical issues no matter whose sperm we use.
• JD has doubts as to whether he can love/connect with our child.
• Worries as to how JD's family/others will deal with knowledge, will they treat our child less because our child is not genetically related?

Midwest Conference on Family Building

For Mandy:

The Midwest Region of RESOLVE is holding its Annual Family Building Conference on Saturday, February 21st in Minneapolis.

The conference includes:

• FREE giveaway -- over $20,000 of prizes to be given away (including 2 IVF cycles, half off an adoption study, and much MUCH more!!)
• 19 infertility and adoption workshops
• FREE expert advice from Reproductive Endocrinologists, Adoption Agencies, Alternative Therapy Practitioners, Attorneys, Psychologists and other fertility and adoption specialists
• Keynote speaker Michele Tafoya, one of the most respected reporters in television sports, will share her experiences with infertility and adoption
• Largest conference of its type in the Midwest

For more information, please visit the Conference's page on RESOLVE's website.

Under Threat of Violence

BFF is quite ticked with me as I have not been updating regularly. Apparently, her position as one of Liberty's Champions (she's a lawyer too) requires that she read my updated blog constantly.

Nothing happening here and that's really all the news. Nothing is happening. I'm

1. Still alive
2. Still in my depression
3. Still trying to lose weight
4. Still trying to decide between IVF with John Dear's sperm and an IUI with donor sperm
5. (and therefore) Still no baby
6. Still uncertain about my marriage (giving some explanation to #2, but giving confusion to #4 and #5)
7. (which is mostly unrelated to) Still having an unemployed husband in a terrible economy.

Boo hoo, woe is me. How do I blow raspberries at myself?