Thursday, February 5, 2009


Perseverate: to repeat something insistently or redundantly.

As I've said in previous posts, John Dear and I are now debating/deciding/going back and forth/perseverating on whether or not to try an IVF with JD's sperm or try an IUI with donor sperm.

My mentor advocated doing a pros and cons chart, so let's do that here.

IVF with JD's Sperm -- Pros

  • JD will be genetically related to our child. (As will his parents, sister and few remaining relatives).
  • No worries about whether JD will be able to love/connect with our child due to non-relation.
  • At a lower body weight, less health risk for Jen and baby during pregnancy, (pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, etc.).
  • No worries about how to broach subject with child or other family members.
IVF with JD's Sperm -- Cons

  • Child pretty much guaranteed to get all of JD's medical issues.
  • Major financial and emotional hardships due to child's medical issues.
  • Have to wait a longer time for Jen to lose more weight.
  • Weight loss is no guarantee that Jen won't have pregnancy risks.
  • Jen will have to be on lots of drugs that may hinder weight loss/put her over weight limit, screw with her emotions and mood, screw with her health.
  • Jen will have to miss work for monitoring, retrieval, transfer and recovery.
  • JD has to go through aspiration procedure (needles).
  • JD may require a longer recovery time than doctors anticipate (as is often the case).
  • Financial cost is high.
IUI w/ Donor Sperm -- Pros
  • Child won't have JD's medical issues.
  • We can start very soon.
  • No drugs needed (at least, not for this go round).
  • Financial cost is lower.
  • JD's family is one that has adoption in it and is unlikely to treat child or us any differently.
IUI w/ Donor Sperm -- Cons
  • Child not genetically related to JD.
  • Donor may not give/may not know full medical history.
  • Child may have genetic/medical issues no matter whose sperm we use.
  • JD has doubts as to whether he can love/connect with our child.
  • Worries as to how JD's family/others will deal with knowledge, will they treat our child less because our child is not genetically related?


Geohde said...

It's such a hard decision. We discussed donor sperm, but here the cost of IUI vs IVF isn't much different. Finance changes things.


Jill said...

You've got a really hard decision to make. Sending plenty of hugs and support

FunkyFrum said...

good luck

VA Blondie said...

You do have a difficult decision to make. When we went through this, I left the decision to Hubby. He had a hard time with the male factor diagnosis. I told him that I was willing to go with whatever he decided.

I do not know if that helps any, but that is how I dealt with it.

I will hold you in the light as you make this decision.

Tricia said...

You have a very hard decision on your hands. I will pray for you to make the best choice for you and JD. (((HUGS)))

~Jess said...

As VA said, it's not an easy decision: Ultimately I left the decision up to the husband. He, as do I, really wants to experience pregnancy. Since IVF wasn't an option for us, donor sperm it was.

You'll make the right decision for you guys. I'll be praying for you guys *hugs*

Julie From Inmates said...

Praying that you will have peace about your decision.


Jen said...

That is a hard decision to have to make. I'm sure you two will decide on what is best.

annacyclopedia said...

I know you know that I've been where you are, more or less. And all I can say is that I am wishing you clarity and peace as you go through this decision together, and I hope that you will be guided by your heart and your instincts to what feels like the best solution for your family. And I also wish for you to be gentle with yourself as you evaluate the pros and cons of each choice - for me, it brought up some feelings I wasn't very comfortable with, and I think I judged myself far too much. Thinking about money and your own health and own energy is just part of it all - so I hope you are able to just hold all of it alongside everything else and see yourself as someone going through a very difficult discernment process, and to let any judgment fall away and not bog you down. It sounds like you are doing that really well, but as I think back, that's what would have been most helpful to me at that time.

I will be keeping you in my prayers, as always.

Parenthood For Me said...


I am reaching out to my fellow bloggers to introduce myself. I am an adoptive mom who underwent IF for 4yrs. I started a non-profit
Parenthood for
Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those starting families through adoption or medical intervention. Education is a big part of our mission statement.
Also, I holding an essay contest as well.
Please visit my blog

Erica Schlaefer

LJ said...

I gotz no assvice for you girlfriend, but I know you'll make the right choice for you. Plus, I'll get a drink with you when you're pissed off about that choice in the short term.

~Hollie said...

I hope this helps, but I know a couple that had concerns with using Donor and when those twins came, there is absolutely NO DOUBT who their Daddy is! On all fronts. ANDDDDD its no body's business but Yours and JD's! The family I know will eventually tell their kids, when they feel the time is right.

This is a difficult decision as I was there about a year ago. I took 6 mos, lost weight. Did IVF, biochem pg, Did FET and got positive. We had already done 3 D-IUI's before moving to IVF.

Many prayers and love to you as you discern the right path for you.

Shelby said...

You have a lot of decisions on your plate. I'm certain that given the right amount of care, you'll make the right one. Best of luck!

'Murgdan' said...

These are the decisions we never thought we'd have to make...and yet here we all are.

I hope it becomes clearer for you, I think pro/cons lists are great by the way.

Fairion said...

It is a hard decision. For us, finances dictated that we at least try IUI before going with IVF. You list lower body weight as a pro under IVF - how does weight change between IVF and IUI?