Monday, February 16, 2009

Wavering

Warning: This post is private and personal. If you know me or John Dear IRL, please keep this to yourself or refrain from reading this post. Thank you.

Things are not good. No, let me just put it out there. My marriage is not good. It's never been great, but it's been not good for awhile. There have been two times where it has been bad enough for me to say, things have to change or I'm gone. Each time, JD has tried to change, tried to be more of an adult and a partner to me, but the backslide inevitably comes. Bad things come in threes, so this one is it.

JD is a child. He wants a mother, not a wife. If he could crawl up inside me and live there, he would. He's appointed me to be the captain of this ship, but also the cook, the maid and the cruise director. JD is the tourist who doesn't have to lift a finger, but feels that I should grovel at his feet with gratitude should he deign pick up a towel.

Yet at the same time as he yearns to continue his childlike existence, remaining responsibility-free, he has an overarching desire to control me. Me, who like JD, grew up in a situation with a controlling parent where I did not have control over anything. I chafe at his restraints. I am not a caged bird who sings.

About a month ago, I had a revelation during meditation time in my yoga class. I heard a voice inside me that said, "You will never be whole as long as you're with JD." I tried to argue, "No, no, I will work to be as whole as I can be, creating the whole life for myself that I lack in my marriage." But the voice just pronounced, "You will never be whole as long as you're with JD."

This week, we meditated on our deepest desire. Bubbling up within me, "I want to be free."

When I saw Fairy G-dmother this week, she said that our recent joint session really opened her eyes about JD and the fact that he would never, could never change. She said, "Jen, I love you and I will support you whatever you choose to do. But, your life will not be all that it could be if you stay with him. JD will not get better. Your life now will be your life a year from now, five years from now, fifteen years from now. If you choose to stay with JD, we'll work on keeping you as whole as possible and getting the support that you need from others."

Could I leave? Yes, and I would be OK. I worry about JD. How he would handle it. Would he be all right? Plus, I love him. Shouldn't love be enough to conquer all of these foes? I know that it isn't, but shouldn't it?

Would our marriage be falling apart if we didn't have to deal with IF? Maybe yes, maybe no. I'm confident that all of these weaknesses that IF has exposed would eventually come to the surface. Perhaps they would not have shown themselves all at once, in this unending ocean, where I get figuratively smacked by the waves again and again and again. The tantrums. The physical illnesses. The chronic pain. The mental illnesses. The terrible sex life and his weird fetishes. The inability to hold down a job. The infertility. Maybe, if it had happened slowly, and we had been able to live the dream that we had, I wouldn't be thinking the way that I do. That I just can't do this anymore. That I have to leave him. That I have to save myself.

But I want to stay. I want to be with him. If I haven't left by now, after all that we've gone through, why would I leave now?

34 comments:

LJ said...

Oh sweetheart...when you bring the lasagna, I have some wine with your name on it to share..

Me said...

This post gave me goosebumps. The Man and I just got in a fight this weekend where I told him that I felt like "we're slipping into the old paradigm". This is SO hard.

noswimmers said...

Oh hun...I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this...it has to be so hard.
I don't know what I can do/say to make anything better, but please let me know if I can.
((HUGS))

Hillary said...

I have no words of wisdom but just want to say I'm sorry. The situation sounds really difficult. **hugs**

Liddy said...

Oh Honey. I have no words for you. But please know that my thoughts are with you. **HUGS** Email me if you want to talk.

My Reality said...

I wish there was an easy answer for all of this, but there isn't. I will be thinking of you.

Jen said...

I don't have any answers or advice, but I'm sending love.

luna said...

oh jendeis, I'm so sorry things at home with JD are so hard. wishing you peace, strength, and clarity as you consider your next steps.

Playful Professional said...

I'm sorry. I don't know the situation, but I do know that sometimes things are worth a little work, but sometimes even the most work isn't enough.

Fertilized said...

I am sorry. These topics are brutal. Sending you the best thoughts I have for you

barrenisthenewblack said...

I'm really sorry. It sounds like no matter what you decide, you've dedicated your whole heart and soul to making the best decision for both of you. I'm here...email, phone, in person. Let me know.

kirke said...

This is such a tough spot to be in. There is no easy answer. I know I can't say anything to make this better.

Tricia said...

Oh hon... I am so sorry your are going through this. I have nothing to say but, I am sending some love.

JamieD said...

I am so, so sorry. I wish there was a perfect answer and I wish I knew what it was.

No situation is the exact same, but my first husband sounds similar to JD - he wanted a mother and not a wife. At one point, my mom told me that he was who he was and he would never change so I needed to decide right there if I could life with that. It was the best advice I ever got.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie, I don't know when you know the right time; when you say it doesn't matter that I didn't leave in the past but I'm going to leave now. I have a feeling it is a lot like that moment in yoga--you simply know that leaving hurts less than staying, even though leaving hurts a great deal. And when both choices look equally bad, I think it's best to wait and see which way the scale tips.

Searching for Serenity said...

All I've got for you today is one gigantic *HUG*.

Thinking of you.

~Jess said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, having to question and doubt. I have no advice, only kind words.

If you need anything (seriously) let me know *hugs* Take care of yourself.

annacyclopedia said...

Sweetheart, I feel for you so much. Mel is right - you'll know when you know, and there is no need to rush yourself. This is a huge life decision you are facing. I am hoping you can be gentle with yourself and not judge whatever comes up for you.

As always, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for peace, clarity, and healing. I want you to be free, too - in whatever form feels right to you.

Jill said...

Only you will know if/when you should leave. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, though, the only person who can save you is you, and the only person that can save John Dear is himself.

((hugs))

Shelby said...

Sending lots of hugs. I can't imagine how hard it is to make such a huge choice, but know that in the end we'll be here to support you. Regardless.

~Hollie said...

I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers that the road you need to take will be revealed to you, Pronto!

Chelle said...

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you find your way soon.

((HUG))

Pepper said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Much of it sounds familiar to me, as I'm sure it does to many. Your Fairy GM is a wise, wise woman indeed.

I won't offer advice, but I will offer something I learned about myself that may or may not help you answer the question of why you haven't left yet. I've been in relationships that I knew weren't healthy and/or going anywhere. I chose to stay simply because I wasn't ready to let the relationships go. It would've hurt too much. But the idea of ending things was like a seed that had been planted: it was always in the background, sometimes dormant, sometimes germinating. And then, when it was time, I was ready. I'd grown accustomed to the idea and already dealt with some of the pain associated with a breakup.

Sometimes a person just isn't ready to let go and has to sit with an idea for a while to get more accustomed to it, to see if it feels right. The decision isn't made one way or another and that's okay.

Wishing you much comfort and wisdom as you sort out the right path for you.

Geohde said...

Marriage is hard. Mine ain't perfect either. I wouldn't presume to offer assvice, but I'm always up for a virtual cuppa tea,

xx

J

nancy said...

What worries me is how much harder it is with children. And for you not to have a nervous breakdown, you need a husband who helps. So that aspect alone worries me for your future.

I'm just throwing that as another aspect to think about. I can't tell you what to do, as I don't think anyone can. But we will be here to help you with the support when you need it.

Anonymous said...

I am here for you.
BFF

Ms Heathen said...

It sounds like you are in a very difficult and painful situation, jendeis.

I am thinking of you, and wishing you strength.

theclam said...

It sounds like it's a tough tough place to be in Jen. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The thing is, I think at the end of the day you need to be happy - truly happy. Whatever that takes.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.


xxx

Somewhat Ordinary said...

There is a lot sucky marriage stuff going around in the IF blog world right now. I won't even pretend to offer advice since I'm in a weird place with my marriage as well. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

DrSpouse said...

I'm really really sorry to hear you are going through this - no answers for you, just thoughts.

Princess Jo said...

Marriages/Relationships are tough, and I agree, lots of people in the IF community are going through similar stuff right now. And it sux.

I hope you can find a way that works for you, and your husband. But remember, whatever you decide make sure it is ultimately, what is best for you.

And I myself have fought the madness that is depression: and let me tell you girl that you are not alone. Never forget it. I am always here willing to have a chat whenever you need it.

Jo
(Here from LFCA: found out you were my "Clicker" today! Woot)

Karen said...

Oh, honey, you know I'm here for you - and I'm relatively local, so if you need anything, I can be there. (And, hey, bonus! Totally with the not pregnant, so I'm absolutely your drinking buddy!)

I don't know how you know when the right time is to walk away, or when the right time is to keep trying. I think you just... find it in yourself, like that moment in yoga, or when all signs are pointing you where you need to be. I think you just find it.

Call me if you need anything, babe. My number's in the TOOTPU googlegroup page.

Fairion said...

Dealing with IF is extremely hard. It either brings you together or tears you apart. You have my deepest sympathies

Mountain Girl said...

I can understand some of what you are going through. I love my dh, but I don't think I've ever been "head over heels!" I've given up alot for him - my father doesn't care for him at all nor does he care to have a relationship with just me. We have a very rare and occasional sex life and it's usually to make HIM happy. We can't have children and we're "older." I'd love to adopt, but he's not on that page yet. I am the only one working and I "get to" pay all of the bills! And most of the chores! My deepest sympathy and I know you'll make the right decisions, etc. for you.