Trust

Thank you so much for all the support over the last few days. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Monday and Tuesday were very good relationship days. "Good" in that I felt John Dear was trying to be a true partner in the marriage, doing household chores and allowing me to spend time with friends as needed. So, I moved over to the "Stay" side.

Yesterday, JD went to therapy. Now, due to the way that JD's mind works, the lessons of therapy that are discussed in his sessions are not always the lessons that he takes away. Imagine it as a game of telephone. Only it's all in JD's head. And his version of logic isn't really logic, but some weird stream of consciousness linking that masquerades as logic.

OK, so JD went to therapy and while we were discussing what he and his therapist had talked about, JD said that the lesson they talked about was that in order for JD to give up his genetic legacy (by using IUI with donor sperm), JD would have to get something in return for that compromise. I'm not really sure that quid pro quo works in this situation and I don't know that JD is really following this line of logic, so we're putting that on the back burner for awhile.

Turns out that the real crux of all this is that JD does not trust me. This has been an issue throughout our entire marriage. He thinks that I don't live up to my end of agreements or bargains that we make when I find the consequences inconvenient. Keep in mind, he's discussing the fact that I ordered steamed dumplings from Chinese delivery last year over his objections because it would not help me to lose weight as opposed to I just want to use donor sperm because I think having a child with Asperger's (and all of JD's other medical issues) would be inconvenient. I don't even think he's considered that last part. He just keeps harping about the freaking dumplings.

In trying to piece together the many trains of thought in this conversation, I came up with the following. JD is concerned that I will not respect him as the father of our child who is able to make disciplinary decisions and have them stick, because just like the pattern seen between his parents, and blowing up trivial things totally out of proportion, I don't care what JD says or what agreements we came to, I want what I want and the consequences be damned.

Realizing that that explanation was not terribly succinct, I will attempt a geometric proof.

Fact A) FIL did not stick by MIL's meted punishments to badly behaving children because he wanted to do what he wanted to do.
Fact B) Jendeis orders dumplings even though she shouldn't because she should be good to lose weight for baby; she doesn't care she just wants dumplings.

Since B is like A, therefore, Jendeis cannot be trusted and she will not stick by JD's meted punishments to badly behaving children. Because she will not respect JD's parenting, QED, Jendeis cannot be trusted.

He doesn't trust me, but "has faith that I will trust you."

When? Who knows? I have to "keep up my end of agreements to show that you can be trusted."

What about all the agreements that I do keep? That doesn't even matter? Basically, you'll trust me when you trust me and that's it and who knows when that might be.

How can he say he loves me, when he doesn't trust me?

I am back in the "Wavering" camp now.