Thursday, February 19, 2009

Trust

Thank you so much for all the support over the last few days. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Monday and Tuesday were very good relationship days. "Good" in that I felt John Dear was trying to be a true partner in the marriage, doing household chores and allowing me to spend time with friends as needed. So, I moved over to the "Stay" side.

Yesterday, JD went to therapy. Now, due to the way that JD's mind works, the lessons of therapy that are discussed in his sessions are not always the lessons that he takes away. Imagine it as a game of telephone. Only it's all in JD's head. And his version of logic isn't really logic, but some weird stream of consciousness linking that masquerades as logic.

OK, so JD went to therapy and while we were discussing what he and his therapist had talked about, JD said that the lesson they talked about was that in order for JD to give up his genetic legacy (by using IUI with donor sperm), JD would have to get something in return for that compromise. I'm not really sure that quid pro quo works in this situation and I don't know that JD is really following this line of logic, so we're putting that on the back burner for awhile.

Turns out that the real crux of all this is that JD does not trust me. This has been an issue throughout our entire marriage. He thinks that I don't live up to my end of agreements or bargains that we make when I find the consequences inconvenient. Keep in mind, he's discussing the fact that I ordered steamed dumplings from Chinese delivery last year over his objections because it would not help me to lose weight as opposed to I just want to use donor sperm because I think having a child with Asperger's (and all of JD's other medical issues) would be inconvenient. I don't even think he's considered that last part. He just keeps harping about the freaking dumplings.

In trying to piece together the many trains of thought in this conversation, I came up with the following. JD is concerned that I will not respect him as the father of our child who is able to make disciplinary decisions and have them stick, because just like the pattern seen between his parents, and blowing up trivial things totally out of proportion, I don't care what JD says or what agreements we came to, I want what I want and the consequences be damned.

Realizing that that explanation was not terribly succinct, I will attempt a geometric proof.

Fact A) FIL did not stick by MIL's meted punishments to badly behaving children because he wanted to do what he wanted to do.
Fact B) Jendeis orders dumplings even though she shouldn't because she should be good to lose weight for baby; she doesn't care she just wants dumplings.

Since B is like A, therefore, Jendeis cannot be trusted and she will not stick by JD's meted punishments to badly behaving children. Because she will not respect JD's parenting, QED, Jendeis cannot be trusted.

He doesn't trust me, but "has faith that I will trust you."

When? Who knows? I have to "keep up my end of agreements to show that you can be trusted."

What about all the agreements that I do keep? That doesn't even matter? Basically, you'll trust me when you trust me and that's it and who knows when that might be.

How can he say he loves me, when he doesn't trust me?

I am back in the "Wavering" camp now.

14 comments:

alison said...

Wowza. I really loved your geometric proof - I imagine I would have to do the same thing to get A to equal B sometimes. In fact I do with j, but there not about things as serious as this. Personally? I think it's a copout that he "doesn't trust you". I mean he trusts you to, say, not leave your front door unlocked when you leave your house so that all of his things don't get stolen. And he trusts you to take care of him around the house. But he doesn't trust you to agree with him on disciplining children who are just a twinkle in your eyes at the moment? I know I'm not saying anything novel, but I am agreeing with you entirely. Sorry that things have to be so confusing, but I don't think you're in the wrong by any stretch of the word. *hugs*

annacyclopedia said...

Whew, Jendeis. It sounds like it would be really exhausting to try and distill something that makes any kind of sense from all that. Weird stream of consciousness masquerading as logic, indeed.

Offering my thoughts and prayers for you in lieu of further opinions on JD's behaviour in all this (although there are many, I seriously doubt they are either relevant or helpful)

LJ said...

You are so strong, even when you think you're in the deep of it. I don't know the right answer for you, but either way, I'm here for you :)

Antigone said...

What about sesame balls? Can you have those? Cause if you can I would love to have lunch with you in a couple weeks. (I'm out of town until the first week of March).

P.S. the word verification is "palin". i'm not making this up. i'll even save you a screenshot.

nancy said...

Oh jeez. You so don't need this. What a hard situation you are in with hard decisions to make and hard issues to live with. Sending you some strength to do whatever it is that makes ~you~ happy.

(p.s. - did you get the prize?)

Fertilized said...

Oh My friend - I just am sorry. I type sentences out, then I erase them. I wish I kne what to say and how to say it best. But I am sorry is the only thing that seems right.

momofonefornow said...

based on your last few posts I am certain that we have married the same man. Mine is even named Jon. I totally get the whole not really following the same line of logic that everyone else in the world follows. That is my dh to a T. It makes me completely insane!!!!

theclam said...

I really wish there was something I could tangibly do (like give you a big hug, I believe hugs heal all ails) to help you out right now. This must be so incredibly tough for you right now.

You're in my thoughts Jen.

xxx

Melissa said...

Thank you for your encouragment!

I can't believe this non-sense you are going through. It really sucks. I know that sometimes you just want to shake them to death (husbands that is) to get them to understand. As the others have said, I really don't know what to say except that you need to do what is best for you. You both need to be a team when the baby is born and if you are not "together" now what good will that be for the baby? I don't know though, I say all of these things because I am not in that situation. Hang in there...stay strong! And just keep trying to talk to him.

Karen said...

Well. It's not like you got FRIED dumplings. I mean COME ON! you got STEAMED dumplings!

And um... you, hello? you have MFI. not FFI. Right? So, um, losing weight is kind of secondary to having a baby.

But all of that is beside the real point. The REAL point is that this is all crazy talk. I *love* steamed dumplings and I'll share my steamed dumplings with you any time.

Me said...

My husband doesn't trust me as much as he should either. He also doesn't respect me as much as he should. His opinion is ALWAYS more valid than mine. If he doesn't hear/remember something I said then it's because I didn't say it. ANd if I don't hear/remember something he said then it's because I wasn't listening. How is it that I'm always wrong in both scenarios? Because I can't be trusted and thus am not respected. It's bullsh!t.

Jill said...

I don't really feel like writing a book in your comments section, and I wanted to email you yesterday, but didn't get the chance. Know that I'm thinking of you,and you'll be hearing from me in the next couple of days :) Until then, hang in there, babe!

twondra said...

Here from L&F. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

Tammy
www.twondra.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

He DOES get something in exchange for "giving up his genetic legacy." It's called a "baby."

You have a really difficult decision ahead of you. You are going to have to decide what you want out of this life, and what's most important to you. We only get to do this once.

I'm thinking of you, and pulling for you.