Still Alive

First chance I've gotten to get online.  We're still alive and doing relatively well.  These first few days have been a muddled nightmare of sleeplessness, hormones, bossy in-laws and emotional breakdowns due to said sleeplessness, hormones, and bossy in-laws, etc.  Hoping we'll eventually get it together.

Our baby could have been named C-SPAN

Fitting for a total politics junkie mom, Raphael Max was born on Election Day at 6:38 PM.

He's 9 lbs 2 oz. and measures 21 inches long.

We're all doing well.

My higher BP numbers this week have landed me on modified bedrest while we wait for Baby to show up.  No shopping, no putting away of messes and lots of sitting being done around here.  While I grow into my couch, I thought I'd share with you some examples of the political ads in our area.
_____________________

How well do we know Jack Smith?

We recently learned that Jack Smith plays golf with Satan every single Sunday.

Jack Smith kills puppies for fun.

And last week, Jack Smith said that he hated America.

We can't vote for Jack Smith, cause we don't know Jack.
_______________________

Jimmy Jones says that he's one of us, but did you know that his real name was Vladimir Lenin?

As a Congressman, Jones sponsored a bill that would end life as we know it.

Not only is Jimmy Jones a Democrat, he also hangs out with people in the Democrat Party.

Sorry, Jimmy, you're not one of us at all.
_______________________

Any crazy political ads being shown in your area?

Surely I Must Be on TV

Why?  Because this morning, I used a seat belt to strap in a jug of pee to my car.  I'm on Candid Camera, right?  Where are the cameras?

One of the midwives called with the results this afternoon.  My pee is perfect (creatinine levels look good and protein levels are low) -- go me.

After the pee drop-off, I went to the store to buy a digital camera, thus guaranteeing that I will find the one that I can't find in my home.  Now to make sure that we remember to bring the camera with us...

I got home to find that all of the sprinkler heads have been replaced in my home.  Yay!  I had gone first thing this morning to the building manager to ask if our unit could be prioritized for the work.  Apparently, we were the first unit done today.  Thank goodness.  I believe the contractors have to come back tomorrow to check for leaks, so I can't put anything away yet, but there's light at the end of the tunnel now.

40 Weeks

Well, we're here.  No baby yet, but tons of excitement.

Early Saturday morning, I was having a lot of "contractions" that were very close together (1:30 apart for about an hour).  I knew it couldn't be the real thing because the contractions were unpleasant but not painful.  (After conferring today with my midwife and a friend who is a doula, it's likely that the contractions were my cervix effacing as opposed to dilating). 

What was worse than the contractions was the nausea.  It was back in full force.  It's been so long since I've had nausea (and it was also 3 AM), that I couldn't remember what to do and I am the Nausea Queen!  My body's response to any stimulus is nausea!  I was embarrassed for myself.  After finally realizing I needed to eat, I had a few small pretzels and made myself a cuppa tea.  The pretzels didn't help much, but once I started drinking the tea, my stomach seemed to settle down.

I've worried that the nausea would return for labor, and I guess I have confirmation now that it will.  I've spoken with both JD and our doula about this concern, stressing the need to make sure that I'm hydrating enough so that we can avoid the need for IV hydration.  We're also going to make sure to pack a few things that help me with nausea to bring in to the hospital.

So, that brings us to today.  At the midwives' office today, my blood pressure was pretty high for me (142/90).  I had my first cervical check -- one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.  I was 50% effaced and not dilated at all (maybe that's why the check was so painful).  Baby's heartrate was steady in the 150s.  A second bp check was still high, so I got sent to the hospital for a non-stress test and bloodwork.

I got hooked up to a fetal monitor and blood pressure cuff and the nurse had me lay down flat on my back on the gurney.  I wasn't able to sleep (there were so many alarm bells going off all over the place - not from me) but I was able to just lay down and rest.  They had me laying down for so long that my left hip started hurting (as it has done throughout the last couple months), so I managed to flip myself over to my side.  Apparently, my bp stayed high the whole time until I turned to my side, when it came down immediately into the normal range and stayed there.  Yeah, so I guess what they say about avoiding laying on your back when you're heavily pregnant is true and maybe the labor/delivery nurse should know that.  You know, just maybe.

My bloodwork and urine dip came back normal, so the midwife thought this was probably just pregnancy-induced hypertension.  I think it was life-induced hypertension, as they are currently replacing all of the sprinkler heads in our building, and they were supposed to come this morning and tomorrow* and you have to move everything 2 feet away from each sprinkler head so my house looks like a tornado went through it, and it's a sucky thing to go through when you're in full-on nesting mode.  There's been a couple of crying jags due to the stress and emotions and the drama of it all.  Of course, the contractors didn't even show up today.  I'm going to go down to the office tomorrow morning and see if our unit can be put on the priority list to get done because we can't clean up the place until after they are done and it's at least a 2-day process.

So, I get to do a 24-hour urine catch (hooray) and go back in to see the midwives on Thursday.

The hospital was packed today (Snowpacalypse babies in da house!) and triage was especially swamped.  Given the crowd, they are booking an induction date for me in case we need it.  I'm hoping we don't.

*The scheduling of the sprinkler work was not my idea.  The process started around Labor Day and they should have gotten to our unit by the end of September.  Unfortunately, there have been a lot of hiccups in the process and they've only gotten to us this week.

39 Weeks

I'm alive and fine.  Baby is still on the inside.  I just haven't had much to say in the last month.  I think about stuff to write and feel terribly guilty for not posting more often, but it's like I only have little things to say and then it's not worth it and then I go hide.

What's been happening?

-My office had an extremely low-key shower for me with cake and a few gifts.  It was really nice and I appreciated my co-workers accommodating my wishes about not having a huge blowout party.  These gifts happened to be the first baby items that we brought into our house, so that was a big thrill too.

-My sister and my BFF threw a Celebration of Awesome for me in lieu of a shower.  This was a gathering of the women in my family at a local hotel for a high tea and we had a wonderful time.

-I have it on good authority from several people that based on the way that I'm carrying/the baby's heartrate/the date of conception/the angle of Venus that the baby is definitely a boy/girl.  I am confident that the baby is a boy/girl.

-The baby dropped about 2 weeks ago in order to spare me the horrible heartburn (or, cause you know that's how anatomy works) and now I just feel like a 10 lb. (uneducated guesstimate, whatever it's heavy) weight is swinging between my legs when I'm walking.

-In other "Holy Crap, This Might Be Real, But Let's Not Tempt Fate" news, I have set up the Pack 'n' Play in our bedroom and my sister's boyfriend, a fireman, came over to install our car seat for us.  I am now driving around with an infant seat in my car.  I am praying that the fates are appeased by JD and I stubbing our toes on the much-larger-than-it-seemed-in-the-store Pack 'n' Play every time we walk by.  Prior to getting the car seat installed, we took the car to the car wash and they vaccuumed out the inside of the car and then we got to ride through the car wash and it's so beautiful now I don't even want to drive it.  Yes, I'm 5.

-Our house is a mess.  We are hopeless clutterers.  One day the crap will drown me in a tidal wave of junk mail and spare computer cables.  JD does not think my solution of burning down the house is a good idea (probably because he refuses to abandon our clutter-filled ways and/or wants to avoid being labeled an "arsonist."  He's small-minded like that).  Also, the front of the house has a weird smell that I'm pretty sure is not me because wouldn't I then smell the smell wherever I went and I don't so I think it's something in the house.  The smell might be from our houseplant; I don't think it's from stinkbugs cause they have a different smell.  I don't think we're hoarders, but I'm not as diligent as I could be about cleaning up and maintaining and JD won't do anything involving cleaning unless I'm cleaning at the exact same time (sometimes not even then).  I haven't found a solution yet, but I am ever hopeful.

-I love the show "Fringe."  I feel so good knowing that I hung in there through the stupid period because the show would come back to a place of even more awesome and it did.  I don't know why I'm still watching "Grey's" as it entered the stupid period long ago and it looks as if it'll never return.

-Will try to post more soon, even if it's just little things.  I've been following everyone's blogs, just not commenting very often.

I'm Not Discounting Ebola Yet

Finally back from all the High Holiday hoopla and the Bataan Death March that was our tour of the hospital where (knock on wood) we'll be delivering  [the maternity ward is a very short walk, but they made us hike over to the hospital wing 4,000 miles away where they'll be storing overflow post-partum cases.  They are anticipating an overflow due to all the babies who are about to be born because Keyzer Snowze happened 9 months ago, and apparently people who have sex during blizzards get babies.  (Silly rabbit, that's what cures IF)].

I had my second appointment yesterday with my new practice of midwives and it went really well.  Blood pressure is good; weight is good; baby is head down and is measuring right on time.  I'm spilling a little glucose, but the nurse thinks that's more attributable to the Starbucks Hot Chocolate I had yesterday morning, then anything to really worry about.

I also got a flu shot.  About three hours later, my throat started hurting and I started feeling really congested.  I've never had this kind of reaction to the flu shot before, so I'm thinking it's just the coincidental onset of a cold.  Or Ebola.  Cause you never know.  Now I have to hunt down whoever gave me this cold/Ebola  and kill them, since that's a proportional response.  (I just heard one of the admins coughing, so he and my MIL (who's had a cold since Rosh Hashanah) are now the prime suspects).

Speaking of the lack of proportional responses, my MIL and SIL seem bound and determined to keep me in the middle of their never-ending battle, with each complaining about the other to me.  I think they are both acting like immature hotheads, and I mean that in the most diplomatic way possible.  I do think that each of them would benefit from actually learning the lesson that it's possible to convey the same message in many different ways, some more offensive than others.  Given what I think is the generalized lack of understanding of conversational and social cues from undiagnosed and untreated Asperger's going on here, it's unlikely that either will learn this lesson, and that both people will invariably select the most offensive statement to use on any given occasion.

In other news, as I discussed with Calliope, LJ and Mel the other day, I'm now having nightmares related to my worries about SIL and her crazy intolerant very strong opinions on everything hand washing and the fact that her immediate family does not use any antibacterial products (which I'm OK with) and does not wash their hands with soap (which I'm not OK with).  One of the bloggers on Who Wants to Know recently did a post on these signs that you hang on a stroller or car seat to discourage random people with unwashed hands from touching the baby.  A little extreme?  Perhaps.  Would SIL respect the sign or my requests?  Given her previous behavior, that's a bit doubtful.  Suggestions for how to handle this would be appreciated.

Best Wishes for the New Year

After taking a realistic look (brought on by a vent of crazy) at the list of what I was going to make for the holidays and the list of what I would be able to make for the holidays, I severely pared down my cooking to-do list.  (Let us not mention that I now have ingredients for the former list sitting in my pantry -- maybe I'll cook some more next week).  Thank goodness that both my mother and MIL are understanding women whose price is beyond rubies.

Just wanted to take a moment before tonight to wish everyone a sweet and happy new year.  The poem below always moves me, so I like to include it each year in my new year greetings.

In the new year which now begins, these are my wishes for you:


May you experience no earthquakes, no hurricanes, no floods, and no dinnertime phone solicitations.
And if they come, may you have a flashlight, a radio, a cell phone, water, food, and a siddur [prayer book] ready, just in case.

May you see a good play, hear a great opera, and see no flashing police lights behind you.

May strangers greet you with smiles, and little children with sticky kisses.

May you have enough wealth to be able to give to tzedakah [charity], and enough left over to provide you with necessities:

May you have bread to eat and cake as well,

May you have a roof over your head and clothing to wear,
And may you help provide them for the hungry, the homeless and the ragged.

May your stocks come back,
And may your bank stay open,
And may your interest rate fall,
And may the IRS leave you a full 30% of what you earn to call your own.

May you banish all thoughts and conversations about the coming elections
For these next ten days,
So that you avoid fights with members of your family and your friends,
And may you remember that, no matter who is elected,
According to Hebrew National,
They all have to answer to a Higher Authority.

May you forgive the candidates for what they say about each other,
And may you remember that no one is as perfect as he claims to be,
And no one is as terrible as his opponent claims he is,
And forget the promises that they all make -- because they will, as soon as they are elected.

May you be able to decipher your electric bill, your telephone bills, your credit card bill, and your income tax forms,
And the tiny, tiny print at the bottom of all these documents,
Which says in essence that they don't mean what is written above in big print.


May you live long enough to be able to drive automobiles which do not run on fossil fuels.
And may this happen before you become an old fossil yourself.


May those of us who drive SUVs be blessed with enough wealth
To be able to fill them with gasoline enough,
To get to the corner store and back,
And may we not have to choose between having enough money with which to buy gas with which to get to the grocery store,
And having enough money with which to buy groceries when we get there.
And may our children, for the sake of whom we bought these vehicles in the first place
Never yell or fight but sit quietly buckled up, with their hands folded,
And never once ask us: Are we there yet?


May you learn how to control your television set,
And may you learn to cope with all the new buttons on the controls,
And may there be something worth watching when you finally figure out how to start your TV.

May neither you, nor your computer, ever be infected by a virus.

May peace reign over Israel,
And may its children not have to sleep in bomb shelters any longer,
And may all of its leaders, like Natan Sharansky, be people who have gone to prison BEFORE they ascended to high office, and not afterwards.

May the world become safe to live in for all of G-D's children,
And may some parents learn that it is not necessary to strap explosives onto the bodies of their children in order to attain paradise,
But that instead paradise can be found here on earth, if people will only learn to live together in peace.


May you stop rushing long enough to realize
How blessed we are
To be able to enjoy this amazing planet on which we live,
And may we try hard not to spoil it.


And whether you pray in the words of the machzor [a Hebrew prayer book],
Or in your own words,
May you feel the presence of G-D around you,
And may you love your G-D, with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your might,
And may you know that G-D loves you too,
And may G-D give you a shana tova u'metukah,
A good and a sweet new year.


Amen.
--Rabbi Jacob Pressman

50/50

Dizziness and nausea started last night and continued all through most of the day today.  Blech.  I'll mention it to my OB when I see her tomorrow, but she had told me that it was possible that the nausea might come back, so I'm not sure there's much to do beyond taking some Zofran if I need to.  (Also, her office called me today to let me know that the copy of my files was ready for pickup.  Yay!)

On the good side though, I was able to start cooking for the High Holidays.  Yay me!  I mixed together two batches of MyMahtha's Honey Walnut Coin Cookies and put them in the freezer.  I'll defrost the dough and bake off the cookies next week.

I Heart Lists

Because I just can't go into how infuriating my OB's office is (current threat level: firebombing = proportional response), I present you with a List of The New Classics as seen on books i done read.  I've probably done this before, but I heart lists.

If there's any that I haven't read that you recommend, let me know!

THE NEW CLASSICS

1. The Road , Cormac McCarthy

2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, J.K. Rowling
3. Beloved, Toni Morrison
4. The Liars' Club, Mary Karr
5. American Pastoral, Philip Roth
6. Mystic River, Dennis Lehane
7. Maus, Art Spiegelman
8. Selected Stories, Alice Munro
9. Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier
10. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Haruki Murakami
11. Into Thin Air, Jon Krakauer
12. Blindness, José Saramago
13. Watchmen, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
14. Black Water, Joyce Carol Oates
15. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers
16. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
17. Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez
18. Rabbit at Rest, John Updike
19. On Beauty, Zadie Smith
20. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
21. On Writing, Stephen King
22. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Díaz
23. The Ghost Road, Pat Barker
24. Lonesome Dove, Larry McMurtry
25. The Joy Luck Club, Amy Tan
26. Neuromancer, William Gibson
27. Possession, A.S. Byatt
28. Naked, David Sedaris
29. Bel Canto, Anne Patchett
30. Case Histories, Kate Atkinson
31. The Things They Carried, Tim O'Brien
32. Parting the Waters, Taylor Branch
33. The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion
34. The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold
35. The Line of Beauty, Alan Hollinghurst
36. Angela's Ashes, Frank McCourt
37. Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi
38. Birds of America, Lorrie Moore
39. Interpreter of Maladies, Jhumpa Lahiri
40. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
41. The House on Mango Street, Sandra Cisneros
42. LaBrava, Elmore Leonard
43. Borrowed Time, Paul Monette
44. Praying for Sheetrock, Melissa Fay Greene
45. Eva Luna, Isabel Allende
46. Sandman, Neil Gaiman
47. World's Fair, E.L. Doctorow
48. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
49. Clockers, Richard Price
50. The Corrections, Jonathan Franzen
51. The Journalist and the Murderer, Janet Malcom
52. Waiting to Exhale, Terry McMillan
53. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
54. Jimmy Corrigan, Chris Ware
55. The Glass Castle, Jeannette Walls
56. The Night Manager, John le Carré
57. The Bonfire of the Vanities, Tom Wolfe
58. Drop City, TC Boyle
59. Krik? Krak! Edwidge Danticat
60. Nickel & Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich
61. Money, Martin Amis
62. Last Train To Memphis, Peter Guralnick
63. Pastoralia, George Saunders
64. Underworld, Don DeLillo
65. The Giver, Lois Lowry
66. A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again, David Foster Wallace
67. The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini
68. Fun Home, Alison Bechdel
69. Secret History, Donna Tartt
70. Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell
71. The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down, Ann Fadiman
72. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon
73. A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving
74. Friday Night Lights, H.G. Bissinger
75. Cathedral, Raymond Carver
76. A Sight for Sore Eyes, Ruth Rendell
77. The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro
78. Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
79. The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell
80. Bright Lights, Big City, Jay McInerney
81. Backlash, Susan Faludi
82. Atonement, Ian McEwan
83. The Stone Diaries, Carol Shields
84. Holes, Louis Sachar
85. Gilead, Marilynne Robinson
86. And the Band Played On, Randy Shilts
87. The Ruins, Scott Smith
88. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
89. Close Range, Annie Proulx
90. Comfort Me With Apples, Ruth Reichl
91. Random Family, Adrian Nicole LeBlanc
92. Presumed Innocent, Scott Turow
93. A Thousand Acres, Jane Smiley
94. Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser
95. Kaaterskill Falls, Allegra Goodman
96. The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown
97. Jesus’ Son, Denis Johnson
98. The Predators' Ball, Connie Bruck
99. Practical Magic, Alice Hoffman
100. America (the Book), Jon Stewart/Daily Show

More on Records and EFM Stuff

So, I didn't have to get all lawyer-y on my doc's office - I just asked if a letter requesting my records for my own use would be sufficient, and they said yes.  Thank goodness.  I faxed in that letter yesterday afternoon, and I plan to follow up with them first thing tomorrow morning.  (I'll be picking up the records myself and delivering them by hand to the midwives' office to avoid any screw ups.  Well, to avoid screw ups by other people -- never discount my own ability to mess things up).  After getting off the phone, I basked in my utter rebelness, did a victory dance and told my assistant that "I fight for the forces of justice and goodness."

In answer to a few commenters' questions regarding the availability of a compromise with my doc, unfortunately, there really isn't one.  My doc wants me to be on continuous monitoring from the second that I walk in the hospital doors.  She wasn't even thrilled with the idea of my getting off of the monitor for bathroom breaks, let alone only being on the monitor for 10 or 20 minutes out of every hour.  Also, as I mentioned yesterday, at my hospital, if you're on the monitor, you're in the bed, and that's that.

I've got some issues with the whole idea of continuous monitoring in general (e.g., the monitors are notoriously inaccurate, and are even more so for overweight women), but am willing to do continuous monitoring with a wireless system, that would enable me to move freely during labor, while giving my care provider the information that they would like.

Hopefully, this will all work itself out in the coming days.

A Change Is Gonna Come - We Think

I saw my doc on Monday for my 30-week (yikes!) appointment.  Everything looks good, and I even managed to lose 4 lbs.  The weight loss is likely due to a slight return of nausea over the past two-week period.  My doc had warned me previously that this could occur in women who've had hyperemesis and that I should take the Zofran pills on an as-needed basis.  Most of my nausea was eased by a cup of tea and longer naps; there was really only one day where I needed the Zofran to get me out of the cycle.

I also went over our preferences for the birth with my doc.  JD and I are both hoping to have as "natural" a birth as possible, i.e., one that is as unmedicated as possible.  Our doc was mostly willing to work within our preferences, but absolutely balked on the question of external electronic fetal monitoring (EFM).  Apparently, the policy of our hospital and of our doctor (who only works out of this one hospital) is to have the mother on continuous EFM from the time she walks in.  At our hospital, this means that mom cannot get out of bed while she's in labor.  (Other hospitals have the capability to do wireless EFM, so that moms can move around, change positions, and even take a bath while remaining monitored; it's just that our hospital does not have this capability).

In our research and through our Bradley Method classes, JD and I have learned techniques to cope with labor and almost all involve being able to move freely and change positions as needed to encourage an easier labor and easier delivery.  It seems like we're at a deal breaker with our doctor, which just stinks.  If our doc delivered at any other hospital in the area, we could go on the wireless EFM and that would be fine with me.  But we can't, so it's time to investigate other options, even at this late stage in the game.

I contacted a local midwifery practice that delivers at a hospital only 30 or so minutes from us.  The nurse was pretty sure that they'd be able to take me on; I just have to go through a phone consult with one of the midwives to make sure that I'm not high-risk for their practice (I'm not).

Once that's done, they'll want me to meet all of the midwives in the practice, and I need to make sure that I get my records transferred over at least 3 business days before they meet with me.  The nurse highly recommended that I call my doc's office to inquire about their policy for transferring my records and the doc's office manager said, "Well, you have to give us at least 30 days, although we usually get it done before that."  WHAT?!  3 days vs. 30 days.  After looking at my records though, the office manager said it shouldn't take really long to get them together, since I only started with the practice during this pregnancy.

Still, before they start copying the records, they need a letter from me releasing me from their care.  I'm not ready to do that yet, because I don't know if the midwives will take me on.

I also didn't want my doc to know that I was thinking about changing practices until after the decision was made and I could write a letter explaining that I loved her, but that the EFM issue was a deal breaker for me (maybe this would give her leverage with the hospital).  This stinks.

I think I may have to get a little lawyer-y with the office manager and tell her I want a copy of my medical records for my personal records.  It's called HIPPAA, dude, I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to get my files cause they're MY files.

Anybody have any other ideas or experience in dealing with this?

Darth Vader GPS

(H/T to We Are THAT Family)

Shitteth Fanneth Meeth

Note Bene: everything is fine with the baby, and will be fine with me once I knock some heads.

I have tons and tons to post, but, as I think the title subtly hints, things are a bit crazed 'round these parts, specifically in the job sphere.  It involves the always pleasant People Who Hate Me and their sidekicks, People Who Are Freakin' Stupid and Need to Learn to Do Their Jobs.  See, if you don't tell me about something really important that needs to go in a document, I won't know it needs to go in said document and won't include it.  So, when you start yelling at me about the missing clauses, I can reference my 10 EMAILS TO YOU REQUESTING RELEVANT INFO.  Bums.

Heart Cake

In honor of the 300th (well, really 200th) edition of the Friday Roundup, Mel has asked everyone to post a cake photo and talk about what the ALI community means to you.

I consider myself truly blessed to have found this community and to have you in my life, and to share in your lives.  Blogging has served as a needed outlet for my stress, anxieties and depression related to our IF struggles, and it has been my readers and bloggy friends who have helped me to weather the storms and who have celebrated with me during happy times.

I fell in love with this heart cake by Amanda at I Am Baker when I first saw it, and hope one day to have the mad skillz to bake it.  (For anyone interested in doing so, Amanda has a tutorial on how to do so here).

Please join the party at Mel's by posting your own cake and/or commenting on one of the blogs in the Roundup!

Overachiever

This week, my doc sent me in for an estimated fetal weight scan.  (Acause of the two bellays, fundal height measurements aren't exactly accurate).  The result?  This kid is in the 91st percentile for weight, at an estimated 3 lbs., 6 oz. at 28 weeks.  My mom said her grandchild is an overachiever.

If the baby maintains this rate of growth, we're looking at about a 9 lb. baby.  Yes, I am growing the next Alex Ovechkin.

This large size (assuming that these estimates are accurate, many times they are not) doesn't bother me and I was not all that surprised.  I'm large and was a bigger baby (over 8 lbs.) and my siblings were both bigger babes as well (sis was the same as me; brother was over 9 lbs).  My only concern here is that I not be pushed into an unnecessary induction or c-section just because of my weight or the weight of the baby.  I'd greatly prefer to have labor start on its own and have an unmedicated birth.  Obviously, if me or the baby is in danger, we do what's necessary, even if that includes meds and/or a c-section.  I plan to sit down with my doc when I see her in 2 weeks, to discuss our preferences and how that will work with her practices and that of the hospital.

The good news is I've really been trying to do all that I can do to help us have that unmedicated birth that we want.  I've been walking every day and doing my Bradley-recommended exercises most days.  I've been pretty good at getting the right amount of sleep.  I'm drinking lots of water.  I'm doing really well at controlling my portions and making sure I'm eating good foods (ex: I'm having yogurt almost every day which has really helped with the heartburn).  I passed the 1-hour glucose test, yay!  I successfully limited my weight gain to 3 lbs. this month, yay!

This month, I'd like to keep my exercise up and work on doing the Bradley exercises every day.  I'm going to work on making sure I include a 20-minute nap at lunchtime, so I'm not worried about falling asleep on the drive home from work.  I'm also going to try and get back to meal planning, to make sure that I'm eating a good variety of proteins and fruits and veggies.  (Yeah, including grains has never been a problem for me).

Last, and definitely not least...JD got a job!  He started this week and is feeling very positive about what he'll be doing and the people with whom he'll be working.  We're both hoping that this job will be a good fit for him -- something that will be more of a longer-term situation.

I'm hoping to post more often than I have been, not only about the baby and how we're doing with cleaning out what will be the baby's room, but also with regard to how we're doing with routines, meals and exercise.  Thank you all for sticking with me through these lean-posting times.

27 Weeks

Just wanted to update on some stuff, so this post will be all over the place.

So, last week I thought I was having preterm labor, but it turns out that I was just on the toilet for so long that my digestive system started cramping.  I'm figuring (from the soreness) that I did the equivalent of 13 million situps, so you know, it's all good.

My mom and BFF have been helping me declutter my house most weekends and we've really been accomplishing a lot.  No before pictures, just imagine Theo Huxtable's room when he was in junior high.  I now have access to a sliding glass door that had been blocked with stuff, and we can now see carpet in the bedrooms!  We threw out a ton of stuff and were able to donate many huge bags of clothing and household items to Goodwill.  Mom and BFF each deserve gold stars!

Work has been really stressful lately, as I try to complete Mission Impossible.  Today I just completely broke down in tears and it was hard for me to calm down.  I think that I have been trying to do too much all by myself, and I really needed to ask for help earlier.  I now have some more help on the project and my boss was able to relax on the deadline when he realized just how much work this mission comprises.

I gained 6 pounds from Month 5 to Month 6, and my doc really wanted me to make sure that I not gain as much in subsequent months.  I've been trying to be really conscious of my food choices and increase my activity level, and I think I've only gained 2 lbs this month!  Hopefully, I can keep making good choices the rest of the pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday!  Yay her!  We got her an awesome gift, if I do say so myself; I just hope that it arrives on time.  :)

70,000

No, it's not the number of days since I posted.  It's the mileage on my car right now.  I was able to watch it turn from 69,999 to 70,000 on my way to work this morning.  It was a thrill.  :)

Nothing much going on here; I think that's a good thing.  Currently at 25 weeks and baby has decided that if it presses its fist as hard as it can against the side of my belly for an extended period of time, that it will "break on through to the other side."  So far the baby isn't listening to me, so I may be giving birth to a teenager.  Here's some bullet points for your amusement:

-Last weekend, we went up to see JD's family and, true to form, my SIL could not keep herself from making some truly obnoxious and hateful statements.  As I told JD later, this is sad in two ways.  First, the family is close and I'd love to have a good relationship with SIL.  I'm settling for guarded but cordial, and the fact that I'm settling stinks.  Second, if it were any other person, I'd just have nothing to do with them, but because this is JD's sister, I can't just totally avoid her or think of her as having died in some freak napalming incident.  That stinks too.

-This week, JD and I visited our preferred choice for a daycare center and everything went well.  Something had to, eventually, right?  I mean, it's the law of averages.

-Today, the junk company is coming to take away some large pieces of furniture that were living in what will be the baby's room.  The company recycles or donates the vast majority of the stuff that they collect, so I felt good knowing that the usable things (as opposed to JD's desk made of sawdust which won't last a move of 2 inches) wouldn't just end up in a landfill.  I would've preferred to have Goodwill or a similar organization get the stuff directly, but the charities in my area won't pickup from an apartment.  I figure I'm paying for the convenience of getting it all out at one time.

-I also had a freak out this week while researching pediatricians.  Saw the schedule for recommended vaccinations and my eyes almost fell out of my head.  It really seems like a lot of shots.  I got The Vaccine Book from the library, so I'll be going through that to start some initial research.  I'm also going to schedule an info session with the pediatrician group near us that I've found.  I'm pro-vaccine, particularly considering that the baby will be in daycare, but I'm concerned about the multiple shots for multiple diseases in very short periods of time.  Opinions/suggestions welcome here.

-The other thing I've started working on this week is getting us and The Boy signed up for some training on introducing dog and baby.  I still need to make appointments for the 1-hour glucose test (hooray) and a fetal scan at 28 weeks to get an estimated weight.  This last scan was recommended by my doctor as measuring fundal height on me (and my upper and lower bellies) won't be at all accurate for judging the size of the baby.

I'm being swamped at work, so I'll end this here.  Hope y'all are doing well.

Untethered

I'm writing this post without my constant companion of the last few months, my sub-Q pump providing anti-nausea meds.  Over the past several weeks, I had been weaning off the pump, hoping that the hyperemesis would have abated this late in the pregnancy.

My weaning went slower than the averages, driven by a few bouts of severe nausea from which I had to recover before dialing down the meds another level.  One of these bouts happened last week during a tour of our hospital's maternity ward, where I passed out and, eventually, vomited.  It sucked to pass out, but if you're gonna have to do that, where else but in the hospital?  We were able to do a "test drive."  :)  (The nurses checked out my blood pressure, which was fine, and the baby's heart rate, also fine.  After a consultation with my OB, we concluded that I hadn't eaten enough prior to the tour, and that the heat and humidity was getting to me.  I was discharged a couple hours after I checked in).

My insurance company had been working actively to get me off the pump since I reached 12 weeks, and had only dialed up the shrieking in the past few days.  Now, at least, getting me off the pump makes sense, since: a) my hyperemesis has abated, b) my nausea is, for the most part, under control, c) I'm no longer having issues with dehydration, since I'm able to eat and drink, and d) my weight has finally stabilized after a way too rapid weight loss in my first trimester (total weight loss of 45 pounds in 12 weeks; 35 of those happened in only 4 weeks).

So, I'm off the pump.  It's pretty cool, and I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to stay off of it.  :)

Thanks A**hats for Proving My Point

Way to go fat-hating anonymous commenters!  Many thanks for proving my point on my last post.

I welcome all constructive comments, from those that point out that my health might be improved by weight loss to those that disagree with my political stances.  When it comes to needlessly mean and unconstructive comments, however, I draw the line.  At the very least, if you're going to insult me, have the stugatz (i.e., the balls) enough to sign your name.  Don't just hide your m.u.d. (made-up drama) behind an "anonymous" shield.

From now on, this blog will not allow anonymous comments.  Want to comment?  Sign in with any account that Blogger allows (e.g., Blogger, Google ID, Open ID, Wordpress, etc.).

People Who Hate Me: The Fat Haters

Welcome back to another edition of People Who Hate Me, now with more hate.  Who's hating me this week?  The incompetent sonographer (we'll call her "Dum Dum") and her azhat supervisory doc at the testing site for my week 20 scan.  Why?  Because I'm fat, have bones and require the Zofran pump for my hyperemesis.

As you know, I'm receiving Zofran through a subcutaneous pump.  Here's how it works (in non-technical language):

1) Infusion site: This is a plastic disc about the size of a quarter that sticks to my belly.  The disc has a spiked, fixed tube on it that goes into my skin (hence: subcutaneous).

2) Tube: The disc is connected to a thin, 2 ft. long tube that attaches to a syringe of meds on the pump.

3) Pump: The pump is about the size of a remote control and you wear it in a purse-like bag with an arm strap.  You put a syringe of meds in the top of the pump and the pump's computer pushes on the syringe plunger, thus pushing the meds through the tube and into me, stopping me from doing my never-ending Exorcist imitation.

So, I can't stop the meds and remove the site for you, Dum Dum.  You are not worth continuous vomit.  You'll have to work around it.  This totally threw her.

Also throwing her was that I was fat.  Now, I am aware that extra padding does make it a little more difficult to do a sonogram; it does not, however, make a scan impossible.  In addition, I don't think it was my fat, I think it was Dum Dum's lack of knowledge of anatomy.  See, no matter how much you shove on my hip bone with the transducer, the bone will not move out of the way.  It's bone, that's how that works.

After Dum Dum finished the scan, we were sent back to speak with her azhat supervisory doctor.  He told us, "Your baby is really big.  It's something we're worried about and you should be too.  You're going to have to have a c-section because you're so big and because the baby is so big.  In fact, we've included a note on our report that the scan was technically difficult due to your fatness."

Fine, asshole, but is the baby okay?  Are all the parts in the right place?  Are all the parts there that are supposed to be there?  Oh, yes.  The baby is perfectly healthy.  F-ck you, you prick.

Thank goodness I was seeing my doctor that afternoon anyways.  She's awesome and was like, "don't listen to that asshole, he doesn't know what he's talking about.  You're measuring a few days ahead, the baby is a little larger than average (baby is 14 oz.) and you're not automatically going to do anything.  You're only at week 20.  The baby is fine.  Your weight looks great and your blood pressure is fine.  We can all calm down."  I love my doctor.

19 Weeks and the Ongoing Saga That Is JD's Search for a Job

Nothing really going on here, so I haven't felt that much motivation to update.  My nurse insists that what I think is gas is actually the baby.  I think that at least half of what I think is gas is, in fact, actually gas.  Who knows?

I'm still on the Zofran pump, but I'm in the middle of weaning off of it.  I seem to be doing ok on the weaning, so hopefully that continues and I can get off the pump soon.

JD is still without employment or a plan.  Some history: JD told me (in response to questioning, at some point in the last year) that he was happiest and most fulfilled in terms of work when he was programming, as opposed to the more computer administration stuff that he's been doing for the last several years.  To me, that says that what JD should be doing is programming.  Find the work that makes you happy.

Now, in our area, in order to find a job as a programmer, you need to know and have experience in Java.  JD does not have this.  Why?  1) He says that Java is a stupid, inefficient language.  2) He doesn't want to go to school anymore, he doesn't want to be graded, he doesn't want to be "judged" (his words).

Here's my trying to answer as rationally as possible to his BS:
1) If all you speak is Latin and everyone else in the world speaks English, wouldn't it make sense to learn English so that you could communicate with others?  I told JD that it was as if his college degree was in being a Roman gladiator.  Well, there are no more jobs available for Roman gladiators, so you've gotta do something about that.

2) There are few jobs or even kinds of jobs available that don't require some type of continuing education or need to learn new skills or improve upon current skills in your life.  Really, I think that if you foreclose any job that would require new learning, you limit yourself to retail.  I don't think that JD would enjoy or even be successful at a job in retail, but assuming that's what he wants to do, fine.  Now, apply for jobs.

After meeting with his therapist yesterday, JD came up with another reason for not taking a class: "It's not that you need to know Java, it's that you need to have work experience with Java."

OK, well, you're not going to get any work experience with Java if you don't freakin' know it, so why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?

He seemed yesterday as if he was on the precipice of agreeing to sign up for classes.  This morning, he said that he would be doing job searching today and when I asked about the classes, he said that he was still thinking about it.  When I asked what his therapist had said, JD told me that his therapist thinks he should "volunteer and network to figure out what he [JD] wants to do."  This is utter BS.  JD knows what he wants to do.  He wants to do nothing all day long.

As my Fairy Godmother once told me, "The problem with responding to JD in a rational manner is that he is not in his rational brain.  This is all emotional stuff for him."  But what do I do?  Rant and scream and cry?  That doesn't change his lazy, irresponsible ass either!

Any suggestions/comments you might have would be appreciated.

Two and a Half Hours

Which of the following best describes two and a half hours?

A.)  The average amount of time Jendeis spends at any one point in the bathroom nowadays.
B.)  The amount of time Jendeis and her mom spent at Mega Baby Superstore just looking at strollers.
C.)  The amount of time in a day that Jendeis is not either eating or sleeping.
D.)  All of the above.

Of course, D is the correct answer, but can you believe that B is correct?  Two and a half hours, people!  Just strollers!!

Based on prior experience, the plan was that me and my mom go initially and narrow the list down to a couple of finalists.  Then, I'll bring JD in and we'll make the final pick together.

Thank goodness that it was just me and my mom. I'm quite certain that if JD and I had gone together it would have turned into some sort of pregnancy/hunger hormone-induced steel cage match.  One of us would not have come out alive.

So, my mom and I spent two and half hours discussing the pros and cons and operations of several strollers amongst ourselves and with a very helpful (and patient) saleswoman, Shari.  The worst part of it is that despite all that time learning how to collapse the strollers and put them back together and put in the infant seat and take out the infant seat that I've completely forgotten all that information and will have to learn it all over again. 


Have decided that I'll need to make instructional stickers for us to emblazon all over the things to remind us how to do it.  Alternatively (or maybe in addition), I want Shari to make a YouTube video that I can refer to every time I have to do something with the stroller.  That's reasonable and not at all insane, right?  Right?

Fate, Don't Listen

Fate, don't listen to me, because I'm actively not tempting you right now.  The nausea has been improving.  So long as I eat something small every 1.5 - 2 hours, I seem to feel OK.  Bathroom issues also seem to be under control.  (Hey Fate!  I'm not tempting you or counting chickens or anything similar, so go somewhere else, OK?)

If things keep going like this, we're going to start weaning me off the pump this coming Monday.  We're going to wean really slowly, so I'm hoping that will minimize my body's need to feel vomitous 24/7.

Since things have been improving, I'm also trying to get back onto vitamins.  We're going with 2 Flintstones a day -- today I had Fred and Wilma.  Flintstones are especially appropriate in my case as, when I was growing up, I believed that the Flintstones were based on my parents (minus the talking prehistoric animals).

In cleaning the house progress, we removed two plastic shopping bags from the Room and went through them.  I designated what should be given away, trashed/shredded, or kept.  Those piles are currently in the living room.  This seems terribly inefficient.  We used to have two shopping bags full of stuff in a room -- now we have piles of stuff all over the living room.  I'm unclear as to when exactly we'll be removing these piles, so I'm thinking this ain't as good as it could be. 

Going to go put in a load of laundry, then we're going to get a new cooling pad for the laptop.  It's an exciting life, people!

The Weekly B*tch

15 weeks today - things are pretty much the same with the never-ending nausea.  I've been feeling really sick over the last 5 days, so my nurse threw the weaning plan out the window.  (Thank G-D).  The big difference here is that I have finally moved back to our place.  It was tough leaving Mom & Dad's, but it's nice to sleep in my own bed and watch HGTV 24/7.

Lemme vent: I'm getting a little concerned with peeved at resentful of (all of those) conpeevsentful of JD and his lack of job/not doing much around the house.  He has now been sleeping for most of the day.  When he's not sleeping, he's playing around on the computer.  To give him credit, he has been fetching stuff/food for me the past few days.  I'm just not thrilled with having to put up with his whiny, I don't feel good BS.  Given the history of the past few years, I feel like JD is not allowed to be sick for the rest of our lives.  I'm willing to be reasonable (ha ha) though and state that he is not allowed to be sick for at least the next year and a half.

I was able to bring up the issue of cleaning out the 2nd bedroom (what will be the baby's room).  Right now, that room is absolutely stuffed with clutter.  We're not really at Hoarders' level, but it wouldn't be a challenge to get there.  My mother came up with the following idea: JD and I set a deadline for ourselves to clean out all the stuff.  Once we hit the deadline, Goodwill comes in and gets everything that's left.  As expected, JD the Hoarder wasn't too thrilled with the idea that his stuff might be given away, but that's the point of the whole idea.  You get rid of your own crap, or it will be gotten rid of for you.  We haven't come to an agreement yet, but I feel good that there's been an opening salvo.

Still Alive

Thanks to all those who've been checking up on me.  Nothing much has changed around here -- still at my parents' (I seem to experience a backslide in health (not on purpose) every time I try to move back to my own home), still on the pump (back at my elevated level of meds after a disastrous experience trying to wean off last week prompted by my DA (dumb a**) insurance company), still crazy after all these years.

My days are pretty similar from one day to the next: eat oatmeal, drink water, read the paper, eat pears (diced or mashed; did you know pears have tons of fiber and can be used instead of prunes for relieving constipation?), check my work email, drink water, take The Boy and myself on a 30-minute walk, eat a handful of mini-pretzels, read book/magazine, drink more water, play online Sudoku/jigsaw puzzles, have JD make me a cuppa tea, nap, feel sick, realize I haven't eaten for 90 minutes and that's why I'm sick, eat a piece of raisin toast, drink more water, do another online puzzle while listening to a C-SPAN podcast, eat dinner with family, watch the Caps or 24, eat Jello, sleep.  Pooping is an event worthy of cheers and fistbumps.  This is sad.  I am hopeful that I will be able to do some short stints (a couple hours at a time) back at work next week.

Overall though, I'm doing much better now than I was a few weeks ago.  I'm at 14 weeks today and we're going to try weaning me off the pump again in about a week and a half.  I'm hopeful that that will go better than last week, but am pretty Zen about it.  If I have to stay on the pump, so be it.

Now Playing on WJEN: "Entering Bootytown" from the Music & Lyrics soundtrack.

"Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

I'm still alive.  But, to use Leah's words, I have been feeling like fried a**.  First, we had an interlude of antibiotic-induced projectile vomiting that lasted for 24 straight hours, then I ran out of IV fluids and the home healthcare people lost their brains and took 5 days to get me new baga, then it didn't really matter because after just one new bag, my IV got pulled out and all the King's horses and all the King's men could not put an IV into me again, then I traveled on the SS Constipation (motto: "This ship don't move") for about a week.  Oh, and John Dear lost his job again.  Life has not been pretty.

We have now been living with my parents for 2 whole weeks.  That's the only part that's been going well.

"Every day there's a new mini-tidal wave of crap to wade through"

Let's go through the bullets, shall we?

-Pregnant

-Hyperemesis

-Dehydration

-Continuous push of IV fluids & sub-q pump of anti-nausea meds

Now...
-Electrical fire in building forces power off for at least 14 days

-Going to move in with my parents

On the bright side, now I won't miss Passover.

Don't F**k with Me

That's what the insurance company learned this week.  :)

After several hours spent in the ER receiving IV fluids, a diagnosis of a UTI probably caused by severe dehydration, and a serious threat from my boss* that our company would find a new insurance company to work with, I'm currently at home wired to an IV with fluids and a subcutaneous pump providing Zofran 24/7.  YAY!

My home health care nurse showed up yesterday evening and spent about 2 1/2 hours with me, going through the routine, checking vitals and setting up everything, plus teaching me how to do everything myself.  I had been pretty worried about the realities of the pump, as I'm not a huge fan of needles (who is).  Turns out, the pump set is realitively nothing to worry about, especially compared to the fact that I passed out and vomited when my nurse got my IV in.  It's always an adventure here, folks.

Hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon.  I replaced the IV bag this morning, but am not sure that I did it correctly, so I'll be calling the nurses' line to have someone talk me through it.

*Did I mention that I work for my family's company and that my boss is my dad?  That's right, insurance company, keep f**king with me, watch what happens.

Why I Need Health Care Reform

This has nothing to do with the health reform bill that is going to be voted on in a few short hours. Instead, this has to do with the bureaucratic bastardos at my insurance company who are overruling my doctor's decision to put me on a subcutaneous pump with anti-nausea meds.  Their reasoning is that I'm trying to move (in my own words) from a handgun (Zofran) to a nuclear bomb (the pump). They want to see a longer demonstrated line of meds we've tried and that have failed.  The Zofran is keeping me from vomiting constantly, but does nothing to get rid of the constant nausea and dizziness.  Tried the Phenergan suppository (yuck) on Thursday night -- it made me feel sicker and I spent half the night in the bathroom. Let's cross that one off.

Now, I don't totally disagree with the insurance company's general reasoning.  It would be better to not go to the nuclear bomb if something smaller would work.  In my situation, however, I'm at such a dramatic lack of health, that we need to find the remedy that will be the most effective and work in the shortest amount of time.  Now is not the time for onesies-twosies.  I have missed two weeks of work, and have not left my bedroom, let alone my apartment in a week (that, to go to the doctor).

My doc, who I totally love, can't believe how difficult my insurance company is. She just keeps going over all the things we do have documented on my chart that speak towards getting the pump (weight loss, spilling ketones, threatening dehydration, can't keep any food down but toast, stopped all prenatal vitamins, stopped my happy pills (Zoloft) which leads to me crying while watching C-SPAN and a general lack of non-rational behavior, constant nausea, constant vertigo, etc.) Told my doc that they probably don't even care about the weight loss, because their thinking is probably well, she's so fat, that she's probably healthier now.  Just realized that I have now lost 15 lbs (unfortunately not documented medically) in 4 weeks. May bring this number up to the doc on Monday to add to the chart.

I've found that my apple juice/water has been helping to hydrate me.  I'm nowhere near hydrated, but am much better off than I was with the ginger ale.

My mom helped me to shower and wash my hair this past week.  G-D bless her.  Instead of standing up in the shower, I sat down, facing away from the faucet, and we used a handheld sprayer*, so I could tilt my head back rather than forward while washing my hair.  Feeling clean made me feel so much better.

*We bought and installed the handheld sprayer before JD's first foot surgery, since he wasn't able to get his foot wet for X weeks.  I forgot that we still had it because I don't use his shower normally.  For anyone having showering issues (for whatever reason) I highly recommend this, it was really cheap and we bought ours at Home Depot and installed it ourselves.  If we can do that, anyone can.

The House That Nausea Built

Please don't read if you are in a bad mental space, since this will mainly be bitching.  But, don't worry, I tell myself "eff off, you're pregnant, you arsehole" on a regular basis.

Have been laid up with the nausea since my last post, as in flat on my back, except for the retching, can't do anything, no, really, anything, except for listen to C-SPAN on the radio because I don't have a working TV in my bedroom, nausea.  Got in to see an OB earlier this week, who recommended we try a subcutaneous pump with anti-nausea meds as I'm spilling ketones and they are worried I'm becoming dehydrated.  Waiting for the insurance approval to come through.  Hope this comes through soon, because I haven't had my happy pills in quite a while and I started to cry while listening to President Obama speak about health care.  He's inspirational, he ain't that inspirational.  I need the happy pills.  Going to try grating them onto my toast.

If I never drink ginger ale again, it'll be too soon.  I'm currently subsisting on water mixed with apple juice, cinnamon toast (regular bread toasted with a little butter, cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it) once a day and white rice once a day.  There are some other things to try in my fridge (popsicles, Jello, Kozy Shack (rice pudding)), but something smells in there (or at least, I smell something in there, no one else does, so when I open the fridge I feel sick and then don't eat anything).

Too dizzy to shower.  The last time I showered, JD had to hold me up and I vomited anyway.  I am gross.  Going to see if I can get my mom to wash my hair in the sink.

My day is divided amongst four main segments:

1.) Moaning/Vomiting/Writhing while listening to C-SPAN Radio (not because of the C-SPAN, just cause I need a soundtrack)
2.) Rereading all of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series
3.) Thinking about what food I'd like to eat if I wasn't too nauseated and could actually eat something (hint: everything)
4.) Sleeping

Will now call doctor to see if they can encourage the insurance company to approve the dang pump.  Am concerned that the insurance company is just trying to wait out the first trimester, thinking that I'll stop being sick at week 12, so they've only got to stall another month.

Have not read blogs in many a moon, but I think about all of you and pray that you are doing OK.

Scratch That

Spent all yesterday vomiting. Nothing worked, including my tried and true Emetrol.

Got Zofran last night and have been sleeping since. Can't tell if I'm still sick or if it's just aches and pains from yesterday. Going to take another Zofran and go back to sleep cause if I'm sleeping, I'm not vomiting.

I Turned 33 And Didn't Throw Up

Not graphic, but short discussion of nausea below; followed by talk of tickers

Most of last week and this were marked by Nausea: In Extremis; with Monday being the absolute worst.  Thankfully, I have not thrown up yet.  I'm concerned that if I do throw up that my body will learn of that option and that I'll just never stop.  Keeping fingers crossed that my body does not learn of the option.

I went to the acupuncturist yesterday and that helped immensely.  I was nausea-free the entire session and for about 40 minutes afterward.  My nausea has been pretty mild this morning, so that's wonderful.  I'm certainly going back for more (acupuncture, not nausea) next week.  I'm also going to start seeing the nutritionist again, because I'm finding it hard to include fruits & veggies (and I miss them).

It was my birthday yesterday and my family celebrated with me by going out to a nice dinner with elaborate dishes and sauces.  I celebrated with a plain, grilled chicken breast and buttered egg noodles.  It was wonderful.

I broke down and ordered Preggie Pop Drops, and, since I can't find any of my Sea Bands (acupressure wristbands for motion sickness), a new set of those.  Here's hoping.

Tickers
During this IF journey, I've often been jealous of others' pregnancy tickers and dreamed of the day when I could install my own on my blog.  Now is my chance to have my own ticker, but I've been too afraid of triggering some Evil Eye by posting such.  Instead, I've been going to the site every single day to watch the ticker progress.

Well, I'm going to take the plunge, but will have the ticker at the bottom of the blog so that I don't scare myself or others.  If you want to look, please do.  I'll be peeking through my fingers.

Everything's Fine

Went for my ultrasound this morning and everything checks out fine.  No heartbeat yet, but both I and my doc thought it was probably too early for that.

I'll be going back next week for another ultrasound.  In the meantime, I really need to make an appointment with my acupuncturist for help with nausea and personal calm.

More In-Depth Pregnancy and Birth Talk Below
_________________________________
He asked me if I had an OB yet, but said, "Don't worry, you're not ready to graduate yet; it's just something you need to start doing."  When I mentioned that I was thinking about homebirth, he replied, "Nice knowing ya."  He gave me a little talk about why he thought being in a hospital with an OB was best, given several factors, including: the time and money we'd spent in getting to this point, and the rate of c-sections for someone with my weight.  I said, and this is true, "No decision has been made, but it is something I'm thinking about."

So, now I've got to start this search in earnest.  A happy medium may work for me.  There is a midwife practice in a sort-of-nearby county that practices exclusively at a local hospital.  There's also a midwife practice that has a birth center and affiliations with some of the local hospitals.  I'll be investigating those and more.

My mother had all three of her children at hospitals using natural childbirth methods, so I grew up with this mindset.  The hospitals in our area, however, seem to be very pro-inducement and very pro-c-section (I remember reading that one of our hospitals has something like a 70% c-section rate).  I'd like to avoid these procedures and meds if at all possible.  The most important thing, of course, is my health and the health of the baby, but I'd like to have as little intervention as possible.

Sock It To Me!

Holy Sockerooni!  I received multiple socks from two different awesome bloggers!  First, I received these cute ankle socks from Soapchick. 

Don't you just love them?  My faves are the zebra ones - I'm in love with the mix of green, black and white.

Next, I received these knee-hi socks from Alana.

I love these!  Look at the stripey ones in the middle!  These socks are keeping my tootsies warm at night - they are so great.

Alana also included a wonderful description of the socks in her card and I wanted to reprint that here:

The hearts represent friendship and blog love as found in the IF community.
The stripes represent pillars of strength - they way we IFers build one another's support system.
The beige is a reminder that though IF sometimes gives us feelings of "blah," we will unite and move onward with our lives.

I couldn't have put it better myself.  Thank you girls for these lovely socks!  And thanks to every one of you readers who has held me up and supported me through our long journey to build a family.  I know that I couldn't have made it without you cheering me on and drying my tears.  I love you all.

Wanna see the other lovely socks travelling around our community?  Go see Kym's master post at I'm a Smart One!

You Thought I Was Crazy Before?

I'm quite certain that my crazy has expanded exponentially the past few days, but I think I've succeeded at keeping it internalized, or at the very least, keeping the crazy worries to myself.

Feel free to skip this list of lists of current concerns (now in new and improved anal-retentive outline form!), but know that if you skip it, you're missing a lot of mocking and schadenfreude opportunities:

I.)  My House Is A Giant Mess and We're All Gonna Die
    A.)  My house is terribly, terribly cluttered.  Would it be easier to just move?  Forget selling the current house, just moving.
    B.)  We have a second bedroom that is going to be the baby's room, but currently serves as:
           1.)  JD's cave (which he doesn't spend time in since he got his laptop, but is, nonetheless, stuffed with all his crap, including the closet);
           2.)  Main storage area;
           3.)  Guestroom;
         which boils down to making me feel like moving is the better option.
    C.)  Where did all this crap come from?  Firebombing is starting to sound like a good idea.

II.)  I'm an IFer and Am Unable to Relax About Anything
       A.)  General concerns about every twitch and ache, wondering if they spell miscarriage or just gas.
       B.)  Worries that I'm gaining pounds by the second since the only thing that stops nausea is eating.  Saltines are working right now, but isn't that a lot of carbs?  Maybe too many carbs?  I haven't hurled yet, but I've been close a couple times.  The nausea is pretty constant, but most times I can will it to a dull roar.
       C.)  Need to exercise again, but can I really use the Wii Fit?  Will start walking again, damnit.
       D.)  Think that homebirth may be the right thing for me (right now, it all depends on my health and the baby's health), but am concerned about these issues:
              1.) Will I be too loud in our condo while laboring?  (Maybe we should move?)
              2.) Will the midwife be sympathetic to an IF couple and their concerns?
              3.)  Need to reread Nina Planck's Real Food for Mother & Baby, but am in the middle of another book and I should really finish that one first, but every time I'm reading the other book, I'm thinking of how I need to read the Planck book.
      E.)  What if I get so big that I can't wipe my own ass?
      F.)  What if I kill someone because they say/do something stupid?  What if that is JD?  My MIL?  My SIL?  Random passersby?
      G.)  Is there any way for me to lose weight so that I will look like a cute pregnant person with an actual baby bump, and not someone who's just fat and gotten fatter?

III.  Miscellaneous Worries
       A.)  My hair looks bad (need to get my highlights retouched, like NOW) and feels like straw.
       B.)  I don't feel that I look my best right now and I feel sad about that.
       C.)  JD refuses to get me anything on my Amazon wishlist for my birthday because he "doesn't like any of those ideas."  Hello?!  I'm the one who wants those things!  He's a bum.
       D.)  Passover is in a little over a month and I'm screwed.  House needs to get cleaned and need to get rid of four tons (ok, maybe just 4 lbs) of flour and yeast.  Will need to bake bread 24/7.  Must quit job in order to bake bread.
       E.)  Some guy was driving around the John Mayer concert last night with megaphones attached to his car, screaming about how John Mayer is a "bigoted racist."  Does anyone know what this is in reference to?

Other than that, I'm actually being pretty calm about all this.  :)
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Now Playing on WJEN:  "Birdhouse In Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants

This Might Be Real

Thanks to all those who checked in on me yesterday.  I got pulled into a meeting at work and when I was at home, got wrapped up in "Cradle of Persia" (this computer game that I play that's kind of like Bejeweled, only awesome, well, awesome for me).  Anways, I didn't get to blog last night.  My 2nd beta number was:

127

Can you believe it?!?!?!  This might actually be IT.

Here's my chart.  I am above-average, as we knew all along.  (grin).

I go back in on Saturday for a 3rd beta and for an ultrasound next Thursday.

I told both my parents on Tuesday, and we told JD's mom last night.  She asked us not to tell JD's dad as he would not be able to keep this on the DL.

My mom told my sister, and I'm a little peeved about that, since hello, it's my news to tell and I specifically hadn't talked to my brother because I hadn't talked to my sister.  So my mom says, "But she got it out of me!"  And I said, "How?  Because she was on the phone with you?"  And my mom said, "Yes!"  Oh well.  As for everyone else in the family and the wider world, I'm just waiting until I feel right about it.

WJEN - on your FM dial

A recent conversation (before the beta)...

Jendeis: You know how I hear music in my head all the time?

JD: Okaaay.

Jendeis: When I'm pregnant, do you think that the baby can hear the music?

JD: Um...

Jendeis: You know, cause I can hear the music inside me and the baby would be inside me.  Is it like internal radio?  Is it like the baby is listening to WJEN?

JD: Well, I don't think...

Jendeis: Because I'm starting to worry that that's the case, and if we're pregnant this cycle, then I think our child came into being during a very long marathon of "Who Let the Dogs Out?".

JD: I don't think that biology works that way, hon.

Jendeis: But it almost doesn't matter if there's no internal radio, because every time I think about "Who Let the Dogs Out?", I wind up humming it or whistling it and the baby would definitely be able to hear that, right?

JD: You used to say sane things.  I miss that.

Oh My Stars & Garters

I went in for my beta this morning...

57.1

Yay(!)  <-- That is the yay of someone who is guardedly optimistic.  :)

Apparently, six (as in cycles) was the lucky number for us.

I go back in on Thursday for my second beta.  Thank goodness I have stuff DVR'd (last night's figure skating, 24 and House) to get me through the next 2 days.

We're Here!

Yay!

Keyser Snowsze

The title was my favorite name in the running for the current snowstorms.  I think it was beaten out by Snowpacolypse or Snowmageddon, but I like the goth feel of Keyser Snowsze.
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I'm in my office today for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was really nice to have a break, but I had to get out of the house to get away from JD (who is still home from work).

We got a little over 29 inches by us, which I (90% me, 10% JD) shoveled off of my car and parking spot pretty quickly.  I went out for about 30 minutes on Saturday and then did another 45 minutes on Sunday and I was done!  I was motivated for bagels and also because BFF's dog had surgery last Thursday and was not doing well.  (She is since doing better - major thanks to SIL who thought to have us give the dog some Pepcid!).

JD did 5 minutes of shovelling on his own car (he wouldn't let me do anything).  So far, you can see the back of his car, but cannot get into the car.  (Apparently, bagels are not motivating factor for JD).  This car, currently encased in 29" of snow, is about to get another 20" thrown at it.  We may see JD's car moving again around April.
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This 2ww really hasn't been all that bad, basically because I think it's not gonna work.  Right now, I'm just going through the motions of the wait and waiting for my period/negative beta so we can get to another cycle and then hopefully, one that will work.

I am really dizzy right now.  The reason for this is:

A) I'm pregnant. (Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  Excuse me while I die laughing)
B) My body is fucking with me.
C) Differentials in air pressure in my office.
D) Not enough caffeine in the hot chocolate this morning.
E) Any of or a combination thereof of B, C and/or D, but certainly not A.
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My unfulfilled due date is coming up soon - Saturday, to be exact.  I've been feeling pretty down about it, but I'm trying to hide it from JD.  If I remind him of it, he'll go all Sarah Bernhardt on me and I just can't deal with his DRAMA right now.

BFF and I came up with a plan to light candles for Shabbat on Friday night and to use that ritual internally as a memorial.
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Since I worked on MLK Day, I get to take off for President's Day.  Getting inspiration from Mel, JD and I will be spending the 3-day weekend in Hershey, PA (assuming Keyser Snowsze doesn't blow it for us).  I will hopefully be getting a chocolate massage, going to a chocolate brunch and will definitely be going to a hockey game on Valentine's Day.  Yay, chocolate!

Rainbow Connection

A bunch of items, none of them long enough for a single post...

-There's a rainbow on my living room ceiling.  The rainbow is cast from a glass sculpture that JD and I purchased on our honeymoon.  I know that rainbows are just scientific phenomena, but they always give me hope.  I wish that this rainbow would be a sign for me.

-JD started a new job last week.  The commute is much better and we hope it will be a good fit for him.  JD's biggest complaint is that he has to wear a tie most days.  As a programmer, he usually was not expected to be dressed so formally.  I think he looks sexy, told him so, and he replied, "You think dumb looks sexy."  When I related this to BFF, she said that I should have told him, "Yes, well that's why I'm married to you."  :)

-This weekend, BFF and I went on a girls' weekend with my sister and her best friend, my mother and my grandmother.  We drove out to the beach and had a great weekend despite the snow.  We laughed ourselves silly.

-While driving out to the beach on Friday night, I received a call from my Fairy Godmother's daughter.  My Fairy Godmother passed on Thursday.  Mary's death was as I would have wished it -- peaceful and surrounded by her children and the love that we all have for her.  There are times when I feel her presence.  She must be looking over my shoulder and watching.

-I'm going in for the first procedure of Cycle Six now.  New motto: "Cycle Six: It's More Than Five, But At Least It's an Even Number!"  I'm usually pretty good about maintaining zen for the first week.  It's in the second week of the wait that the Hope-o-Meter goes all over the place.

-I'm looking for a good shampoo and conditioner.  I have really thick, coarse hair that paradoxically is oily yet feels like straw.  Any suggestions?

Flickering Flame

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years) is dying.  The results of the biopsy of the liver tumor are inconclusive, but that doesn't matter.  She went into the hospital around New Year's and her salt and potassium levels were very low.  She is now at hospice where they are trying to keep her comfortable as she is in severe pain.

I have known her since I was 16 - half my life.  I am truly blessed to have had her in my life and I am who I am today in large part because of her influence.  I am alive today because of her.

I miss her already.  I knew that this would come eventually, she's 85 years old, after all, but I didn't want it to come ever.

My Fairy Godmother's name is Mary.  She taught me and so many others how to live.  Please take a moment to pray that her pain will ease and that she will be at peace soon.

Quo Vadis

Yesterday, JD and I met with the RE for our Quo Vadis meeting, aka "What's Next, Doc?"  My feelings on are all over the place.  I feel sad that we're even in this position (i.e., infertility in general and, specifically, about to embark on dIUI #6).  I feel angry that it's taking so long.  I feel positive that my doc is responding to us and our concerns.  I feel frustrated with my inability to stay away from gluten.  I feel embarassed that I have such a struggle with taking my meds.  I feel happy that I have rocked my Wii Fit Plus every day since we set it up (see my other blog for more details).

I told the doc that, given our record (5 dIUIs (3 with Prometrium), 1 miscarriage, 0 take home babies)  my hope level for this upcoming IUI is pretty low.  My unfulfilled due date is coming up in mid-February and I'm feeling increasingly anxious about it.  I'm ready to move to the next level.

From a completely biased position, it seems like my doc would like me to do unmedicated dIUIs from here to kingdom come.  (Those were probably not his exact words).  Really, he thinks that we should keep doing what we're doing for a little while more, but he was aware that we were not going to want to hear that.  My response was to semi-joke, "No, I want to hear what you would do, then I want to ignore that and do what I want to do."

His proposal was to do two more unmedicated cycles after #6 and then add meds, probably Clomid.  The idea of the meds would be to get my body to release more than one egg at ovulation, providing more targets for the sperm, thus increasing the odds of getting at least one baby out of this.  Of course, increasing the number of eggs also increases the chance of multiples, which JD wanted to discuss back, forth and sideways, but my feeling is that we should wait to cross that bridge if and when we get to it.

My compromise was to do #6 and #7 unmedicated, then maybe go for medicated cycles or another unmedicated round, depending on my thoughts then.

I'll start the OPKs tomorrow for Cycle #6.  Our power song for this cycle: "You're Gonna Go Far Kid" by The Offspring (off my CAPS playlist).  Our inspirational song for this cycle: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, as adapted by Glee.

My MIL thinks this is the East Building

In the Arctic

Otherwise known as Florida. At my industry's annual conference, wheeling and dealing. Feet sore, jaw hurting from smiling and BS'ing. Love my life. :)

Support

Thank you so much for all of the support you've given me over the last few days.  This negative was tremendously disappointing, given all of the symptoms I had been experiencing and the fact that I was not on Prometrium to give me false hope.

When I got my period on Friday, it was the full flow, there was no mistaking this for implantation spotting, and that has continued over the past few days.  It's obviously the real deal.

My nurse was wonderful and suggested that I have a follow-up appointment with my RE, in order to decide what's next.  In the meantime, we'll do another natural cycle.  I'm concerned about what the next step might be.  If it's IVF, I've got a ton of weight to lose in order to get down to my clinic's limits.  My nurse suggested we might do stimulated IUIs though, and I'm at the right weight for that.

Inspired by Mel and some of the other bloggers, I went and ordered the Wii and the Wii Fit Plus on Amazon.  The Wii came last week, and I'm hoping to receive the Fit part today (right in time for me to go away on a business trip early tomorrow).

I'm hoping to increase my activity (from zero to something) and I'm working with a fertility nutritionist on my food plan.  More on that soon.
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This weekend, I went out with family and BFF, got my hair done, and laughed myself silly at a TOOTPU brunch.  I also prepared to send out almost over $9,000 in claims to my insurance for stuff for which I paid out-of-pocket.  Here's hoping!

Period - 5 Days Early

Had been planning to write a post about the rules that I follow when I'm in the middle of a 2ww.  But, it's the end.  Went to the restroom an hour ago and it's all over.  I didn't know and also didn't have anything with me, so like a tween who's just gotten her first period, I've stained my underwear and my jeans (not visible, thank G-D).  I'm despondent and embarassed.

I really thought this was the one.  I wasn't on the Prometrium and was feeling all these symptoms.  Maybe I'm being punished for that.  I had hope and I shouldn't have.

I can't believe that is G-D's plan.  Perhaps it is that I am too fat.  I would like to swear off food entirely and just work out for three hours a day, but don't think that I'll be able to keep it up.  I'm such a fucking failure.  Why can't I do this?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  This is the only thing I want, why can't I do it for that?  Don't I want it enough?

My Husband the Geek

John Dear recently got a new computer game, Civilization IV.  In case you are unfamiliar with Civilizations I through III, this is a game where you become the leader of an ancient civilization and work to explore lands, increase your population and bring new technologies to your people.

Geek check: I really loved this game when I first learned how to play it in high school.  I have since moved onto bigger and better games like Minesweeper and Free Cell.

As with every new game, JD is dedicating all his free time* to playing.  For whatever reason, JD thinks I need to know how he's doing in the game.  The upshot of this is that every so often, JD will burst out laughing and announce to the room (well, me and The Boy**) that Rabbi Akiva has become the ruler of China or that Ghandi, the current leader of Britain, has formally adopted slavery.

I don't care how he's doing; those mines won't sweep themselves after all.


*the amount of which is considerable, considering his non-employed status.
**I'm quite sure that The Boy is not interested in the play-by-play either, but he never complains, so how would we know?