Speedy Delivery

We picked up two vials from the bank this morning and just dropped them off at our clinic.

Jendeis: Swim fast, boys!

John Dear: Run silent; run deep.

We're Doing This Again

And, we're on to the Georges Cinq episode of As the Inseminations Turn.  Just got the surge today, so I'll be going in tomorrow and Wednesday for 5.1 and 5.2.  Way to fit in another chance before 2009 ends, body!

Since all of the hullaballoo of the past few weeks, see below, I forgot to call in for vials to be shipped from the cryobank to our RE's office.  Oops.  We're going to have to pick those up tomorrow morning and bring them with us.  Pray that whatever saints and angels control traffic in the DC area are smiling down on us tomorrow, as we'll have to completely cross the city in order to do this.

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In other news, my office was painted last week while I was sick (the being sick was incidental, it would've been painted if I was not sick too).  The walls are now a lovely shade of blah, much better than the dismal light blah that used to be on the walls (complete with scuffs, scratches and giant holes in the plaster).  In honor of my new office, I've completely changed the layout.

This is how my office originally looked:

The above picture doesn't really convey how cramped I was in my section of the room.  The new new way gives me a lot more space and gives me more space for piles.

This is how my office looks now:

Cool, huh?

The only thing that is really taking some getting used to is that my computer is in a new spot (sort of).  It used to be on my Desk, right next to the Phone Desk.  Now, it is on the Table with Piles of Paper right next to the Phone Desk.  It's nice to have more room, but now, when someone walks into my office, they can see what's on my screen.  I will have to be much more "subterfugeous" about my blog reading now.  Yeah, right.

I'm home and I'm sick

Just a bad cold, but it just sucks to be sick.  It all started with a sore throat on Monday and just progressed from there.

We drove up to NJ on Sunday and my uncle's funeral was on Monday.  It was a graveside service and I thought it was really moving.  The rabbi did a good job to keep it meaningful, but didn't prolong things in the 30°F cold.

We then went to my aunt & uncle's house for shiva (part of the Jewish mourning ritual).  For those who do not have experience with this, it would remind you of a wake -- lots of people, lots of talking, lots of food.

JD and I drove back home on Tuesday morning, so that he could make his follow-up appointment with the pain clinic.  I futilely attempted sleep in the waiting room.  Really, all I accomplished was to watch court shows.

Hopefully, I'll be more exciting tomorrow.

I'm on the left

Necessities

A Perfect Storm

I'm not referring to the possible 20 inches we're in the midst of receiving.  Instead, I'm talking about the fact that I've been hit with the illness and death of many loved ones.

My uncle died this morning.  We thought it would take much longer, but his numbers had been steadily decreasing and he went into multiple organ failure earlier this week.  He lived a long, fruitful life -- he got to see his own children grow up, marry and have their own children.
JD and I will try to drive up tomorrow in order to attend my uncle's funeral on Monday. I just feel like I'll be better off having my own car there.


My dad is devastated.  I did not have a close relationship with my uncle, but my heart aches for my father.  The infection in my father's leg seems to be lessening, although it is by no means gone.  My mother says that his leg looks 50% better than what they originally dealt with at the ER.

My Fairy Godmother (my therapist of many years who I'm quite close to) told me last night that she likely has liver cancer.  We will find out after the new year if this is certain and what can be done about it.  I have dreaded losing her for a long time.  I don't want to face this.  She has had such a profound affect on my life and I don't want to lose her.  The good thing is that we will have time to say goodbye.

The Irony Is Not Lost On Me

Tonight, I spent an hour in line at the post office for two stamps for two letters that had to be posted today.

I came home and checked my mail to discover a brochure advertising the ability to have stamps delivered to your door.

Yeah.  The irony is not lost on me.
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Yesterday, I was at the TOOTPU Cookie Exchange -- a gathering of a bunch of the DC-area IF bloggers to gossip, eat, drink and make merry.  I was the only one of us without kids or pregnant.

The irony is not lost on me.
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When a group of people get together, they start discussing what they have in common.  Well, everyone at the party but me, has their kids in common.  There was lots of talking of babies and Christmas and playgroups and the like.  (Probably only a couple minutes, I was in a bad emotional place so my perception is likely not accurate).  I completely lost my cool and started crying in the middle of our party.  I'm ashamed and embarassed.  I know that none of the girls judge me for it, but I judge me for it.

The irony is not lost on me.
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My uncle is possibly dying.  My father developed an infection in his leg due to his travelling to visit my uncle in the hospital and is now in and out of the hospital himself.

The irony is not lost on me.
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I've had enough irony for awhile.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and going to try to snap out of it soon.

Fullness, Resolve and Hot Air Balloons

We stood in our new house and knew that this was the home we would raise our family in. The stars had finally aligned and the time was finally right to add a little one to our family. We were, at long last, both ready. And, this house felt right. It even had the most perfect little nursery. In fact, from the moment we laid eyes on that room, we knew that it was meant to be our baby's room. It wouldn't be long until that cozy, beautiful, joyous room was filled with the cries and laughter of baby.

Month after month, the room lost more and more of its beauty, its joy, the coziness that a baby would have brought. Instead, it slowly became cold, empty and taunting. We stopped calling it "the nursery" and referred to it as "the purple room." We decided that it might be less painful if it were less empty, so we started storing some things that that might otherwise have found their way to the attic. That made it less empty, but nothing more. It still silently taunted us.
On the day that we got the toughest news of our journey so far, I decided that it was time to take a stand. I could no longer take the silent taunting. There was that voice from somewhere in my head, that the nursery seemed to symbolize, that said we wouldn't be parents and this would never be a nursery. It was time to find a symbol of my own. I would, in my own quieter way, stand on the rooftops and proclaim to the Heavens that this would still, one day, someday soon, be a nursery.

My next act required nothing less than the effort of climbing to the rooftop...a trip to the children's department at Ikea....to buy a crib mobile. There were many things about this that seemed crazy. How weird it is to buy a crib mobile for a room without a baby, much less a crib.

And yet, this symbolic act, on this toughest day, was so powerful for me. I chocked back tears as I walked through the cribs, stuffed animals, changing tables and high chairs. But, I got all the way to the checkout line and then all the way home without tears, without a breakdown. It was all so raw, in the wake of our first bad news, that I had yet to be able to cry. I had yet to mourn the loss of our chance at a natural conception.

I got home and was grateful to find that I had the house to myself. I paused at the door to the nursery, mobile in hand, and took a shielding breath. I didn't bother doing anything special to hang it. Why did it matter where it hung if there was no crib to hang it over? I found a random nail the old owner's had left in the wall and hung in there.

As soon as it was hung, I fell in a heap on the floor and cried. For the first time, I cried about the emptiness, the stillness, the left-behind feeling, the loss of "conception by romantic evening," and, mostly, the unknown. I sobbed. And then, when I had cried all I could cry, there was nothing left but resolve. I said, aloud to this empty room--to the baby that will someday, somehow call it home--that we would not give up until our baby, from whatever path was necessary, found its way here.



The nursery still serves as a halfway point to the attic, rather than a haven for baby. It is still absent the sounds of babies' laughter or tears. But, it taunts me less than before. Mot days, it's less of a cruel reminder and more of a source of determination. Most days, I smile at the dreams my mobile represents, rather than cry at the empty room. This lone baby item, my hot air balloon crib mobile, is a silent reminder of what will be. In many ways, that room is filled will our hopes and dreams and everything we want for our family.

As it turns out, our nursery isn't quite as empty as it once seemed.
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This post is brought to you by Geohde's Great Cross-Pollination. Can you guess the author? You can find my Cross-Pollination post for today at Lin's blog, Our Someday Family.

Bless the Brown Cows of the Desert That Give Us Hot Chocolate Milk

I had a Venti (read: horse trough) Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream from Starbucks.


It was the best fucking hot chocolate that ever was.


Amen.
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No ill effects from that part of Un-detox (Retox?) Day #1, but then I ate cheese and it was like the Yokohama Bullet Train.(*)(**) So, I'll be continuing the good decision made a year ago to only partake of cheese in rare circumstances.


For lunch, I had chicken and mashed potatoes and creamed spinach (I heart Boston Market). The mashed potatoes were OK, but the creamed spinach was an explosion of love and joy that I haven't experienced since the last episode of Glee.


I'm planning to refrain from dairy the rest of the day, though, so that I can sort of act like I was un-detoxing with moderation whatever that is.
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*Is there a bullet train to/from Yokohama?


**Please excuse my nastiness. I was born in a barn -- New Jersey.(***)


***Again, please excuse my insulting demeanor. I'm sure New Jersey is fine, really. No, really. They've got Bon Jovi doing their ad campaign, it can't be all bad.(****)


****Does my state even have an ad campaign? I mean, my real state, not the Shmomonwealth of Shmurshminia. I'm going with the absolutely no-evidence-basis, uneducated guess answer of: No - my state doesn't have an ad campaign. We don't need one. People know how awesome we are without Bon Jovi or Arnold. We have our own state cake! We have many malling options. Goldie Hawn is from here. Plus, our most well-known state song is about our lottery.(*****) Deal with it, people. You wish your state was that awesome. "It could be." If you lived here.


*****Five bucks says that Mel and Lindsay are currently humming our song.
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Um, I think the sugar (or the manic chapter of the depressive episode, take your pick) kicked in somewhere around Bon Jovi.

Negative Again

My nurse called at 10:45 to let me know that this cycle was another bust. I'm glad that she called so early in the day.

I asked her if we could skip the Prometrium next time around, seeing as how I was not on it during my first cycle (which was a positive till it was a negative) and ever since I've been on the Prometrium (three cycles), I've gotten straight negatives.

She responded positively and said that it was no problem to shake things up a bit and that after I got a positive, we could get a progesterone level and add in the Prometrium then, if I needed that support.

So that's what we'll be doing the next time around.

This blows.

Made a Menu

Monday means I'm down to the last week of the 2ww and the last week of my detox. Yay!

Since we're currently out of Dream Dinners till our next session, I had to make our meal plan the old-fashioned way, aka stare at food blogs till I find something that a) fits with my detox, b) looks good, and c) doesn't look too complicated.

This week, I'll be borrowing heavily from A Year of Slow Cooking. I highly recommend this site for anyone looking for slow cooker ("CrockPot") recipes.

Here's the plan:

Monday: Angelhair rice pasta with meat sauce (ground turkey, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce)
Tuesday: Applesauce Chicken (CrockPot) w/ steamed broccoli
Wednesday: Hoisin Drumsticks (CrockPot) w/ brown rice and stir-fried veggies
Thursday: Indian Chicken Curry (CrockPot) w/ quinoa
Friday: Holiday Party at our building
Saturday: Dinner Out OR Fish w/ spiced quinoa mix & steamed veggies
Sunday: Salsa Chicken (CrockPot) w/ brown rice

Food, Folks, Fun, Fearsome Anger, Fehr Scores, Furniture Care

I hope that everyone in the US had a happy Thanksgiving, or at the very least, you've survived the long weekend. To everyone else around the globe, hope you had a nice weekend!

Our Thanksgiving was pretty good. We spend odd years with my family, so of course, that's always great. I successfully stayed on detox diet, but it really sucked to not eat stuffing or the four million desserts that were served.

For Thanksgiving, I had:
-Turkey (expertly made by my mom)
-Salad
-Butternut Squash Soup (also made by my mom, which I thought was awesome and everyone else thought demonstrated how long it's been since I had good food)
-Quinoa with Dried Fruits & Nuts (made by me)
-Butternut Squash Brown Rice Pasta Bake (made by me, not successful, will not be repeating)
-Baked Apples with Oats & Almonds (made by BFF, so I had my own dessert, yay!)

I did prevail upon my mom to give my containers of stuffing, green bean casserole and the pumpkin bread made by the Princess (my brother's wife), all of which are residing in my freezer awaiting post-detox feasting.
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On Friday, BFF and I finally made it to the tailor's, to get a bunch of stuff altered (hems, zippers, what have you). We then got lunch and braved the mob at DSW to get some shoes. Then, we just hung out at her house. We always have such a great time together and it was nice to just chill.
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Saturday, SIL and her family came over to use our pool. Then, we all met up with JD's parents to have lunch and celebrate SIL's birthday. My in-laws have now successfully ruined another one of my favorite restaurants. All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. Nothing is ever right. I love them, but sometimes they really suck. Then, we had to sit at the mall's play area with them and four million little kids and babies to watch my nephews frolic in the chaos. It was not fun.

The night improved though, because we had Chinese food and I watched Eric Fehr (whom I met at Hockey 'n' Heels) score a goal 10 seconds before the end of the third period, helping the Caps win in an overtime shootout against Montreal. Yay!
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Sunday was spent in lounging around, picking price stickers off our china, washing our china, putting away our china (one day my house will be clean and organized; I hope) and watching TV. Oh, and we had Thai for dinner.

Four's On Board

We went for dIUI 4.1 yesterday and 4.2 will be on board today. My acupuncturist wasn't available this week, so I'll be seeing a different acupuncturist today after the procedure. I hope that I get the same peaceful feeling even though the acupuncturist is different.

Last night, JD and I met my parents to go see The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock. It was a really fun and heartwarming movie -- perfect for the holiday season.

I'm taking the day off work today. With the scheduling of the dIUI, it wouldn't make sense to go into work afterwards. I'll probably do some housework, watch a movie or two and read blogs.

Ooh, I also need to cook for Thanksgiving, since I did a total of zero work this weekend.

Comme Ci, Comme Ca

Nothing much going on here. Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm still here and doing OK.

JD is also doing OK. A month into his new job, he's concerned that he doesn't really know what he's doing (the code is something that he's not familiar with), but he does think it's cool that he got paid to watch Mission Control launch Atlantis.

Yesterday, my friend, BB, and I went to Hockey 'n' Heels, a Caps event for women. It was awesome! We got to go out on the Caps' practice ice with some players and try to score a goal, win a faceoff, and learn stickhandling. Then, we got to try on some equipment (pads and gloves and helmets, oh my), we spoke to 2 TV analysts, then we got time with Bruuuuce "Gabby" Boudreau, the head coach, who taught us about prescouting teams with game films. Will show pics as soon as BB sends them to me.

I'll be cooking and freezing some detox-allowed food for Thanksgiving this weekend. I'm planning to make: quinoa with dried fruits and nuts, whipped/mashed sweet potatoes with pumpkin and a butternut squash-brown rice pasta bake. I'll let you know how those turn out and provide recipes after the weekend.

In TTC news, I'm just waiting around for the ovulation thang, so we can get going with IUI #4, also known as There's No Place Like Nausea-town for the Holidays.

WFMW - Evaluating

At the end of every year, most people take stock -- of their lives, their families and themselves. Have you done that with your blog?


This year, there is a new tool to help you take stock of your blog, assess your best posts of 2009, and meet new bloggers. The Golden Haiku is hosted by Mel of Stirrup Queens. Every blogger from every corner of the blogosphere can join and should!


As Mel writes, "we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or have ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers and all of us deserve to be celebrated."


For more information and to sign up, please visit Mel's introductory post here.

*************

For those whose blogs deal specifically with adoption, infant loss and/or infertility, you can also sign up for the Creme de la Creme, a similar blog carnival just for the ALI community.

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This post is part of the Works for Me Wednesday blog carnival every Wednesday at We Are THAT Family.

Yoga for Fertility Retreat - DC Area

Hi all! Just wanted to put in a plug for a Yoga for Fertility Retreat taught by my yoga teacher!
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Join us for this day long retreat into the healing power of Yoga for Fertility...
Yoga for Fertility Retreat
Sunday, December 6th 8 AM-4 PM
Pulling Down the Moon -- Rockville, MD

Join Pulling Down the Moon Instructor Sara Shelley for a day long retreat exploring the healing power of yoga for fertility. At this unique event you will learn the program that literally thousands of women have used to help them get pregnant since 2002. At this retreat you will learn:

Asana - a specific yoga posture practice to increase blood flow, reduce tension and detoxify body tissues.

Pranayama - yoga breathing techniques to manage stress and improve the overall vitality of your body and mind.

Meditation - an in-depth exploration of the "yoga way" of coping with negative thoughts and emotions.

In addition, we will explore teachings from yoga philosophy that will help you frame the fertility journey in a manner that reveals your personal strengths, reinforces the joy of everyday life and empowers you to create the family you're meant to have. Through this experience you will also join the positive, healing community of Pulling Down the Moon and enjoy the community of the amazing women who use our programs.

PDtM Yoga for Fertility is appropriate for any level, any stage of the fertility journey, during medicated or natural cycles, and is unlike any other yoga experience. Register online or call 301-610-7755 for more information.

**Retreat Participants can take an advantage of a 20% discount for our services (yoga, massage, nutrition, acupuncture), when they schedule their appointment for December 5th or 6th.**

When: Sunday, December 6, 2009. 8 AM - 4 PM

Where: Pulling Down the Moon, 15001 Shady Grove Road, Suite 210, Rockville, MD 20850

Details: $150 covers the cost of the one-day workshop, a light lunch, and PDtM's DVD Yoga Practices for Fertility.
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If interested, please sign up and please tell your fellow IF sisters about the retreat!!

Day of Detox

To follow up on yesterday's post, I thought I'd give an example of a typical day on my detox diet.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with rice milk and berries

Mid-Morning: Detox shake; Clementine

Lunch: Quinoa-Vegetable Soup & rice crackers and Superfruit shake

Teatime: Detox shake; Apple

Dinner: Pecan-crusted chicken breast with brown rice mix and broccoli

It is entirely do-able, but requires planning. The only problem I've had has been in getting off caffeine. I had some bad migraines the first two days, but only had a light headache yesterday afternoon.

It's also hard thinking about having to do this over Thanksgiving. Yet, there will always be a reason not to do this, so I've just gotta do it now. For Thanksgiving, I will be making a quinoa and dried fruits dish to have in place of stuffing (my favorite food, waa!) and my mom is going to give me some stuffing to freeze that I can have once I'm off the detox. I'm also going to try and see about making some mashed potatoes, dessert and maybe, bread that I can eat as well.

In Which I Drink Chalky Liquids

For the past couple of months, my weight has been yo-yo'ing up and down -- I gain a lot during the 2WW and then have to lose it all before the next cycle. In order to get past that, I'm going to try something new. Well, I've done it before, but this time it's sort of different.

Anyways, remember how I started seeing a nutritionist for fertility and did a detox diet and lost about 25 pounds earlier of this year? Well, my nutritionist moved and I had completed the detox and then I started cycling, so I was just eating like normal (normal for me, not normal for average humans). Guess what? I gained weight. duh. Then, we got pregnant, had a miscarriage, waited to cycle again, yada, yada, yada. I went low carb for the few weeks before the next IUI, then would gain the wait back, then lose, etc., etc.

So, I'm trying to get off that train. There's a new nutritionist in town (read: my integrative care for fertility place) and I'm starting a new and improved, fertility-friendly detox with her. "Fertility-friendly" in that you can be on this while cycling, even while pregnant.

It's a lot of cutting out of bad foods and incorporating good foods and drinking supplements and downing vitamins.

What I'm On:
-My standard happy pills (1/day)
-Prenatals (6 horse pills/day)
-Vitamin D (2/day)
-Probiotics (1/day)
-Chalky Liquid shake #1 (Nutritional Support for Healthy Body Composition) (2/day)
-Chalky Liquid shake #2 (Organic Superfruits and Greens dietary supplement) (1/day)

Food I Can Eat:
-All fruits and vegetables
-All beans and legumes (except soy)
-Rice, oats, quinoa, amaranth, teff, buckwheat
-Lean proteins (chicken, fish, lamb, turkey, small amounts of lean red meat)
-Healthy oils (olive, flaxseed, sesame, almond, pumpkin, etc.)
-Condiments (vegetable salt, sea salt, vinegar, tamari, herbs & spices, brown rice syrup, fruit sweetener, stevia, limited amounts of honey)
-Herbal tea, non-caffeinated tea, green tea
-Water, unsweetened juice

Foods I Am Not Eating:
-Caffeine
-Sugar
-Wheat & Gluten
-Dairy
-Eggs
-Beef
-Soy
-Standard Bad Foods (anything fried, processed or fried & processed)

Healthy Fat Giveaway

So, in my quest towards Real Food, otherwise known as SOLE (sustainable, organic, local, ethical) food, I've been investigating healthy fats. I have moved almost entirely away from all vegetable oils and margarine. For us, it's cold expeller-pressed olive oil and butter from grass-fed cows all the way, baby.

Something that I have wanted to try though is frying in beef tallow. Did you know that beef tallow (rendered fat from cows) can be a healthy fat? If you get your meat or tallow from happy cows raised in a healthy environment, the fat is good-for-you! Per U.S. Wellness Meats' blog, one of the reasons to switch to grass-fed beef is that it is high in omega 3s (the "essential fatty acid") and CLA (an anti-carcinogen shown, among other things, to increase lean body mass, prevent arteriosclerosis and slow or halt diabetes).

Right now, Kelly the Kitchen Kop, a Real Food blogger, is hosting a giveaway of a tub of healthy beef tallow from U.S. Wellness Meats. The 36-pound tub is normally sold for almost a hundred bucks, but you could get it for free to make all sorts of deliciousness. Go on over, start reading and enter the giveaway today!

HA!

Everyone I know must read this. NOW. It made me spit out my drink and most of my internal organs with laughter.

Then, come back here and tell me your thoughts on: a) how it absolutely stinks that Glee was not on this week, b) this week's episode of Top Chef, and c) my inability to keep off any of the weight I lose.

Donor Insemination Research Project

H/t to Somewhat Ordinary (she has a private blog) for the idea.

Recently, Mel posted in the LFCA about a donor insemination research project. In case you missed the blurb, I'll repost it here.

This is "a research project examining the way in which the Internet is used to facilitate donor insemination; to negotiate access to donor sperm, to establish kinship ties or as a support network, for example. The experiences of anyone invested in sperm donation are sought: this could be women/couples who have been recipients of donor sperm, children from donor sperm or the sperm donors themselves."

I recently contacted the researcher and she told me that she would be looking to start the research soon, but wanted to make sure that she had enough participants.

If you have used or are using donor insemination to help build your family, I encourage all of you to please contact the researcher here. I'm hoping that we can get a large number of DI bloggers to participate.

It Was Negative

I went in for my beta at 8:30 AM. I did not receive a call until 3:30 PM. They made me wait all fucking day for this.

All these symptoms and it means absolutely nothing. I really thought this was it. It was all for nothing.

Giant289Pig

Please forgive me for interrupting the current programming with a surprise part 3 of our four hundred thousand, seven hundred and ninety two part series...

People Who Hate Me

So, I had to reset a password. The site sent me a temporary password to log in with. Yeah. The title above is my temporary password. They don't even know me and they're calling me a giant pig. Effers.
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In other news, I commented at:

The Pitter-Patter (on her BFN)
The Baby Chase (on her pregnancy after IF)
On (In)fertile Ground (on being lapped)
Local Nourishment (on an awesome reusable grocery bag)
Into the Light Again (asking a question about knitting)

I returned a comment to:
Grace by Inches (aka Girl, Esq. who I know IRL!!) (on making good choices for herself)

Slog Going

Add cons.tip.ati.on to the list of symptoms at 11-12 dpiui (days past the IUI). Ugh. Was laid up last night on the couch with cramps from it, even though I ate an apple and spent all of Glee and Top Chef sipping water.

I'm meeting my mom today for lunch, and we usually go to this restaurant with fabulous veggie burgers. Seriously, they are the best veggie burgers EVER! I'm hoping that the beans in them will help. I'm also counting on the french fries for awesomeness.

Been following the basic routine today of being nauseated except when I'm eating. To paraphrase Sam the Blue Eagle, I'm a weirdo.
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Here's where I've commented today:

Three Is a Magic Number (on Top Chef and organic gardening)
The Privileged Infertile (on her recent weight loss. Go Alison!)
The Pioneer Woman (on some awesome Pac Man jewelry)
I Never Thought It Made Sense Anyway (on the fact that she is a strong, awesome woman)
Banking On It (on side effects from Pr.ome.triu.m)

I returned a comment to:
The Desire of My Heart (on depression and MF results)
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Edited to add: the title of this post should be "Slow Going," but apparently, I can't type. Is that another symptom?

Disc 27!!

Warning: This post is going to be all over the place.

Coming down the home stretch for the end of this two week wait. My beta is scheduled for Monday morning. I've been feeling increasingly dizzy over the past three days and the amount of nausea that I have has also increased. There's also intermittent breast tenderness in there too (though definitely not as much before I miscarried).

I went to acupuncture and yoga yesterday. I think the acupuncture helped the dizziness. We were doing guided imagery in yoga though, and at one point, my teacher started talking about the ocean and a lotus blossom floating in the waves. Nausea City, people. Of course, then, for absolutely no reason, I started thinking about fried chicken and the nausea subsided. Darn, now I want fried chicken!
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This post's title refers to the fact that after a long, hard slog, I have finally made it to the last disc in my audiobook on the Korean War, The Coldest Winter by David Halberstam. DISC 27, baby!

I am a history buff, but generally concentrate on much earlier periods in Europe -- pretty much anywhere from the Middle Ages through the late 19th century. In my high school history class, we never got past the early stages of World War II, so I've always felt lacking in knowledge of the 1950s - 1970s.

David Halberstam's The Coldest Winter came highly recommended as a good study of the reasons for and actions during The Korean War. I genuinely enjoyed the book, but don't think it translates very well as an audiobook. Halberstam makes frequent digressions to talk about the personal histories of the main figures and this makes the reader lose place and confuse context.

I would like to give huge marks to the narrator, Scott Brick, who has a great, clear voice and speaks with just the right amount of feeling.
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So far, so good. John Dear is doing good at his new job. He's been getting up and out the door early to get to work on time, and he's determined to pull his fair share of the household responsibilities.

There are a few kinks that we need to work out, but I think that everything is going well (knock on wood).
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Today marks the start of IComLeaveWe for October. This comes at the perfect time to distract myself from the 2ww.

Here's where I've commented today:

One Day Two Day (it was her birthday! three weeks ago. whoops.)
Kitchen Stewardship (in response to an anti-abortion post)
Ship Full of Pirates (on her lemon curd recipe)
Not the Jet Set (on her baking mix recipe)
Simply Sugar & Gluten-Free (on her pumpkin dog biscuits recipe)

I returned a comment from:
Who Shot My Stork? (on the one day I happened to be productive)

First Day

Today is JD's first day of work at his new job. Thank G-D.

Since I got up early to help him get out of the house on time, I was able to accomplish a ton last night and this morning.

Last night I:
-Filled and ran the dishwasher
-Filled the tea pot for the morning
-Set out mugs, teabags and spoons
-Set out our clothes for the morning
-Charged JD's phone
-Set up my bags and bag of dry cleaning by the door

This morning I:
-Made the bed
-Made tea
-Emptied the dishwasher
-Put all the breakfast dishes, spoons, etc. in the dishwasher
-Brought in the dry cleaning
-Deposited checks at the bank and took out money
-Brought The Boy to day care

I wonder if I can keep this level of effectiveness up?

WFMW: Fertility Help

I have always been a tea drinker, but never got into herbal teas until we started struggling with infertility. Now, I try to incorporate various blends to help with my overall health and fertility. I use ARTeas (assisted reproductive technology teas) from my integrative care center and I believe you can buy them on their website.

During my current two week wait, I'll be drinking an Implantation blend. Here's what's in it:

Lemon Citrus - for flavor
Wild Yam Root - Supports liver and balances hormones
Skullcap - Supports heart and essence; calms the mind
Chamomile - Calms nervousness; good digestive aid; anti-inflammatory
Red Raspberries - Good uterine tonic
Black Haw - Uterine tonic; may help in preventing miscarriage
_________________

Need ovulation predictor kits or pregnancy tests? You can get 10 for FREE from this website! (Hat tip to Hillary from Making Me Mom for passing on this offer.)

_________________

Want to see more helpful hints and tips? Check out the What Works for Me Wednesday blog carnival this week and every week at We Are THAT Family.

I'm Kreativ!

I just got the Kreativ Blogger award from ma chere Clare of The Pitter-Patter. Thank you very much!

The Rules:

1) Thank the person who gave you this award.

2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4) Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6) Link to your nominees' blogs.

7) Leave them a comment letting them know they've been nominated.

The Things:

1) I eat sandwiches and Reese's cups in circles -- all the way around the edges, then I eat the middles.

2) A song on the radio that I heard when I was 5 scared me off of listening to the radio for the next 7 years. It was "Muskrat Love" by The Captain & Tenille.

3) I totally beat John Dear's 5 and 6 year old nephews at Disney DDR. I told the family I was keeping my amateur status for the Olympics.

4) I have become an utter Gleek.

5) My shoe obsession: ballet flats.

6) I have six articles of hockey memoribilia in my office (two bobbleheads, one clapper, two posters, one wristband).

7) I'm working towards keeping kosher and have cut out pork and am now working to cut out shellfish.

My Nominees:

1) Dreaming of Quiet Places

2) On (In)fertile Ground

3) No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat

4) Baby Making Journey

5) Baby OCD

6) Flotsam

7) The Privileged Infertile

PWHM - Part 2

Thank you for all of your good wishes for John Dear and myself. We really appreciate all your good thoughts. :)

It's time for part 2 in our four hundred fifty seven thousand part series...

People Who Hate Me

The people hating me today are the makers of Pr.om.etri.um. I just started it this morning and am already feeling incredibly dizzy and nauseated.* Blech. My mind keeps going to the group vomit scene in The Office. I could've totally nailed that scene. Heh.

In other news, we saw our RE today who told me that a) we do have a plan in case this cycle is negative (4 more OPK-predicted dIUIs) and b) I can get a flu shot. So, I'll be doing that on Wednesday and hopefully not puking.

I woke up at 6 AM so that I could get my walking in before work. It was freezing. I did not know this before going out, so wasn't wearing a jacket. It became fall in like a day and a half here. I am an iceberg; I am awesome.

*Just for my own notes: I had regular nausea early this morning upon waking. Heartburn around 10 AM. Major nausea throughout lunchtime. Dizziness starting after lunch and continuing this afternoon.

Good News

John Dear has a JOB!

He'll be starting next Monday, doing the computer contracting that he used to do, only this time with a Pigs In Space vibe, as opposed to the Secret Squirrels vibe that he had concentrated on. We're both sooooo excited! Hooray!

I'm hoping that doing good things for ourselves (exercise, eating good, pain management, prayer, etc.) is helping us to turn things around and bring good things into our lives.

Oh, and dIUI #3 is on for tomorrow and Sunday. I've got my lucky socks, jewelry and acupuncture all lined up. Let's do it!

Due to the vagaries of scheduling, our "follow up" with the RE is for Monday. What are we going to discuss? I'd just like to know what the plan is if Project Insemination - Season 3 is not a success.

One Word Meme

I'm pretty sure I did this meme before, but I like it, so deal.

Answer the questions below with only one word.


1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2. Your hair? Highlighted

3. Your mother? Friend

4. Your father? Close

5. Your favorite food? All

6. Your dream last night? Scary

7. Your favorite drink? Tea

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Reading

11. Your fear? Electrocution

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Maryland

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren't: Boring

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. Wish list item: Canner

17. Where did you grow up? Maryland!

18. Last thing you did? File

19. What are you wearing? Work

20. Your TV? TiVo!

21. Your pets? Boy

22. Friends? Best

23. Your life? Ongoing

24. Your mood? Hopeful

25. Missing someone? Girls

26. Vehicle? Hybrid

27. Something you're not wearing? Heels

28. Your favorite store? Container

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. Last time you laughed? Three

31. Last time you cried? Therapy

32. Best friend? Bombacita

33. Place that you go to over and over? Clinic

34. Person who emails you regularly? Mentor

35. Favorite place to eat? Paradou

PWHM Series: Part 1

Welcome to the introduction of a new series, dear Readers, the first edition of our special report:

People Who Hate Me

Part 1: My Accountant
I'm pretty sure that my accountant hates me because I am sending her the docs to do my 2008 tax return today. Yep, that's right. She's getting 1 week to do my return.*

I'm not even certain if I have all the necessary docs in the package that I'm sending to her. I'm feeling pretty guilty about it, but I figure 1) better some info than none, and 2) better late than never.

There are some things that I am really on the ball about and some things where I utterly am not. When it comes to taxes, the ball is on another continent. I am not on it, under it, over it or in it.

I have good intentions for our 2009 taxes though. I got a green box at the Container Store to store all my financials papers in so they'll all be in one place. My goal is to get all the information (except for the company docs) into the accountant by April, 2010.


*Due to the way that finances are calculated in the company for which I work, I am not able to file my tax returns till October 15th, even though most returns in the US are due April 15th.

Pain Management

So, while I get over a bad cold, I thought I'd update on John Dear's medical issues.

Last week, he had his first appointment with a chronic pain management clinic. Thank G-D his doctor certified him for this. The aim here is not to eliminate JD's pain (we're not sure if it will ever be eliminated), but to bring it down to a manageable level so that he can work and live.

They put him on two new meds - painkillers that work a lot like modern anti-depressants. Here's how in layman's terms: modern anti-depressants, your Zolofts, your Prozacs, work by preventing the brain from absorbing too much serotonin (a chemical that works on emotions). When the brain absorbs too much serotonin and doesn't leave enough floating around, you get depressed.

JD's new meds work in a similar fashion. They prevent his brain from absorbing too much "painotonin". When the brain absorbs too much painotonin and doesn't leave enough floating around, you get pain.

So far, the meds really seem to be working. The other day, JD remarked, "You know, my foot is at a two on the pain scale. I don't remember the last time I was at a two!"

I'm trying to be guardedly optimistic. There's a long way to go. So much of JD's emotional work has been put on hold because of his pain. I think that, with the management of this pain, he's going to have to face some real demons. But, I have hope. We're finally moving forward.

Mad IFers' Tea Party (Recipe Inside!)

Today is the Mad IFers' Tea Party, hosted by Clare at The Pitter-Patter. Go over to her site to sit and have a cuppa and some treats with us! (Also, happy 30th birthday to my brother, who never got his wish to be older than me, but did grow much taller than me).

In honor of the party, I'm virtually baking a favorite cookie recipe, Honey Walnut Coins. I bake these cookies for Rosh Hashanah, and they are a perfect cookie for fall and go especially well with a good cup of tea or coffee.

Honey Walnut Coins (as adapted from My Mahtha)
Makes 48 cookies -- Pareve or Dairy

2 sticks (8 oz.) unsalted butter or margarine, at room temperature
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for shaping
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
1/3 cup honey, plus 1/4 cup (warmed until liquid) for brushing
1/4 cup sugar
3/4 tsp. salt

Preheat your oven to 350° F. Spread the walnuts in a single layer on a rimmed baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes.

In a food processor, pulse flour, salt and 3/4 cup of the toasted walnuts until finely chopped.

In a mixer, beat the butter on medium-high speed until fluffy, about 3-5 minutes. Add sugar and beat until pale and fluffy, about 2 more minutes. Beat in 1/3 cup honey. Reduce speed to low. Add the flour mixture and beat until just combined (dough will begin to come together). Shape into a disk and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate for at least 1 1/2 hours (up to 2 days).

After dough has been chilled for proper time, preheat your oven to 325° F. Let the dough stand at room temperature for about 10 minutes. Pinch off about 2 teaspoons of dough and roll into a 1-inch ball. Repeat, spacing balls about 1 inch apart on greased or lined baking sheets.

Dip the flat bottom of a glass in flour and use to flatten the cookie balls to 1/2 -inch thick discs. Periodically re-flour the bottom of the glass so that it does not stick to the cookie dough. Press one of the remaining toasted walnut pieces into the center of each cookie.

Bake, rotating sheets about halfway through, until edges are pale golden, about 20 minutes. Transfer cookies to wire racks and brush cookies with warm honey.

Let cool and serve. Cookies can be stored in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks.

Note: I first made these cookies using a mixture of half white and half whole-wheat flour. If you choose to do this (meaning, you didn't do it because you didn't check how much white flour you had on hand when you started baking), I'd increase the amount of honey in the batter a little to keep the dough more fluid and less dense.

Champagne Supernova

That's what I feel like -- just overwhelmed and like I'm about to burst into a million pieces. I'm not getting anything done at work or home. I'm spending all day at work reading blogs. My desk is a mess. I can't think. My home is a mess. I can't think.


I'd like to take the day off work tomorrow, but go in secretly and work on setting up files and organizing my office. I'd love to do the same thing at my house, but JD is there and will be up in my grill nonstop, like always.


Last night, my yoga nidra class (back with my awesome teacher, yay!) was a private class for me, since the other women in the class couldn't make it. So, my teacher centered a lot of the meditation on mindfulness and being aware of the moment. I've lost that calm in less than 24 hours.


I think I'm going to try setting a timer and working for that amount of time, so that I can feel like I've accomplished something, anything.

I'll be OK, just needed to vent.

Thank You House

***Possible spoilers from House, so if you are planning to see it, come back later.***

Dear This Week's House,

Thank you for helping me to realize that, in order to act normal become sane get better, I must actually take my pills.

Unlike House's roommate, I was not refusing to take my pills this time because they stop me from being me. (Though G-D knows that we've gone down that road so many times they are dedicating a rest stop in my honor. Now with a Bob Evans!) I also was not not taking my pills out of some scheme to turn all the patients in the asylum against their doctors. Instead, I went through one of my periods of just not taking them.
Yes, this is stupid. And reckless, and unhealthy. Yes, this caused me to become a weeping, snivelling, ill-tempered, non-coping mess.

So, I'm back on - because I do want to get better. And with only one dose in me, I feel like I can actually handle life. I took my meds yesterday, I'm taking them today and I plan to take them tomorrow. That's as far as I'm going to go with my planning, because the longer term promises have not been working for me.

The Icemen Cometh

Last night, JD and I went to the Caps' preseason home opener. The playing was less than stellar. I know, I know, preseason doesn't count, but it stinks to see your team playing so badly.

Poor Ovechkin. He wants to win and do well so badly that he starts playing every position. Not a good situation.

Matt Bradley looked like he was playing well, and I especially enjoyed seeing our new man, Mike Knuble (lately of the Flyers - boo). Knuble is everything that the Princess (my brother's wife, who is a diehard Flyers fan - boo) said he was -- a gate crasher, someone who is just going to plant himself in front of the opposing team's net and score and score. We desperately need a pro at doing that, since we really only had Brooks Laich starting to play that role last season.

It was also good to see a goal from Keith Aucoin (from Waltham, Massachusetts - home of my alma mater!). Hoping to see great things from him in the future.

Here's a toast to the new season. May the Caps win the Cup, rock the red and play better than they did last night and may the Penguins get their wings clipped. Here, here!

Carrot-Zucchini Kugel Recipe

I got this recipe online (from who knows where - thank you who knows where, whoever you are!) a couple years ago and it's been a hit whenever I make it.

For those who keep kosher, the recipe can be pareve or dairy depending upon your preference, and can even be made without leavening (that is, pesachdik) for Passover (Pesach).

Carrot-Zucchini Kugel

6 packed cups coarsely grated zucchini (approx. 3-4 medium zucchini)
3 cups finely minced onion (I use a bag of frozen diced onion OR grate 1 onion with the other veggies)
3 Tbsp. butter or margarine, plus 2-3 Tbsp. of small pieces for the top
3/4 to 1 tsp. salt
3 packed cups coarsely grated carrot (approximately 5 medium carrots)
3 large eggs, beaten
3/4 cup matzo meal OR fine bread crumbs
6 Tbsp. flour OR matzo meal
1 tsp. baking powder (omit for Pesach)
Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 375°. Place the grated zucchini in a colander. Salt it lightly, and let it stand 15 minutes. When time's up, squeeze out as much moisture as you can.

Sauté the onions in 3 Tbsp. butter with 3/4 tsp. salt over medium heat until the onions are soft and translucent (5-8 minutes). Remove from heat.

In a large bowl, mix together the zucchini, sautéed onions and grated carrot. Beat in the eggs and the matzo meal (or bread crumbs).

Add the flour, baking powder and pepper. Mix well.

Spread the batter into a well-greased 9 x 13 baking pan. Place the thin slices of butter here and there on the top surface. Bake for 1 1/4 hours, uncovered.

Note: This recipe freezes well. After the kugel has completely cooled off (VERY IMPORTANT), I use a layer of plastic wrap, then a layer of aluminum foil, pressing both wraps gently onto the surface of the kugel to ensure a tighter seal.

Wishes for the New Year

(Reposted from last year because I love this poem so much).

In the new year which now begins, these are my wishes for you:

May you experience no earthquakes, no hurricanes, no floods, and no dinnertime phone solicitations.
And if they come, may you have a flashlight, a radio, a cell phone, water, food, and a siddur [prayer book] ready, just in case.

May you see a good play, hear a great opera, and see no flashing police lights behind you.

May strangers greet you with smiles, and little children with sticky kisses.

May you have enough wealth to be able to give to tzedakah [charity], and enough left over to provide you with necessities:

May you have bread to eat and cake as well,

May you have a roof over your head and clothing to wear,
And may you help provide them for the hungry, the homeless and the ragged.

May your stocks come back,
And may your bank stay open,
And may your interest rate fall,
And may the IRS leave you a full 30% of what you earn to call your own.

May you banish all thoughts and conversations about the coming elections
For these next ten days,
So that you avoid fights with members of your family and your friends,
And may you remember that, no matter who is elected,
According to Hebrew National,
They all have to answer to a Higher Authority.

May you forgive the candidates for what they say about each other,
And may you remember that no one is as perfect as he claims to be,
And no one is as terrible as his opponent claims he is,
And forget the promises that they all make -- because they will, as soon as they are elected.

May you be able to decipher your electric bill, your telephone bills, your credit card bill, and your income tax forms,
And the tiny, tiny print at the bottom of all these documents,
Which says in essence that they don't mean what is written above in big print.

May you live long enough to be able to drive automobiles which do not run on fossil fuels.
And may this happen before you become an old fossil yourself.
May those of us who drive SUVs be blessed with enough wealth
To be able to fill them with gasoline enough,
To get to the corner store and back,
And may we not have to choose between having enough money with which to buy gas with which to get to the grocery store,
And having enough money with which to buy groceries when we get there.
And may our children, for the sake of whom we bought these vehicles in the first place
Never yell or fight but sit quietly buckled up, with their hands folded,
And never once ask us: Are we there yet?

May you learn how to control your television set,
And may you learn to cope with all the new buttons on the controls,
And may there be something worth watching when you finally figure out how to start your TV.

May neither you, nor your computer, ever be infected by a virus.

May peace reign over Israel,
And may its children not have to sleep in bomb shelters any longer,
And may all of its leaders, like Natan Sharansky, be people who have gone to prison BEFORE they ascended to high office, and not afterwards.

May the world become safe to live in for all of G-D's children,
And may some parents learn that it is not necessary to strap explosives onto the bodies of their children in order to attain paradise,
But that instead paradise can be found here on earth, if people will only learn to live together in peace.

May you stop rushing long enough to realize
How blessed we are
To be able to enjoy this amazing planet on which we live,
And may we try hard not to spoil it.

And whether you pray in the words of the machzor [a Hebrew prayer book],
Or in your own words,
May you feel the presence of G-D around you,
And may you love your G-D, with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your might,
And may you know that G-D loves you too,
And may G-D give you a shana tova u'metukah,
A good and a sweet new year.

Amen.

--Rabbi Jacob Pressman

Yeah, That's a No

Spotted all day yesterday and started a full flow today. I'm thinkin' this cycle is a Negator Skeletor.

Trying not to think about it and stay busy with work and holiday preparations. Tonight's cooking plan: baking up the My Mahtha Honey-Walnut Coin Cookies (I made the dough yesterday), and baking another of Sugarlaws' Apple-Banana Cakes.

I've been able to stay on the lower-carb diet throughout the past 4 weeks and will be continuing that, (with some allowances made for holiday food) hoping to keep my weight down for the next cycle and avoiding the possibility of gestational diabetes (fingers broken from crossing them for the gestational part).

I'm definitely looking forward to being able to exercise again. I've had to refrain since I started spotting, and, miracle of miracles, I actually miss it!

Resting & Cooking

Who knows what my body is doing? I sure don't. The pink streaks stopped after two hours yesterday.

I kept taking my Prom.etri.um, thinking it can't hurt to keep taking it.

My nurse confirmed my thoughts that this really could be anything: random spotting, my period, who knows. She said that I should keep taking the Prom.e.tri.um and I should not exercise or do anything strenuous and that hopefully, we'll get a great beta result. The beta will remain on Friday morning as previously scheduled.

Will be on my feet a lot all this week at night since I'm doing lots and lots of cooking for Rosh Hashanah. I'm going to try to modify my actions so that I'm taking good breaks and putting my feet up as much as I can.

Yesterday, I made two Carrot-Zucchini Kugels (pudding/casserole). I had hoped to get in a Potato Kugel in there, but I started cooking too late in the evening to throw that in as well. I'll cook that tonight and I also plan to make an Apple-Banana Cake recipe that I found at Sugarlaws.

Tomorrow, I plan to make Honey-Walnut Cookies from a Mahtha (aka Martha Stewart) recipe that went over well last year. Thursday night, I'm planning to make two different versions of challah, one from Baking & Books, the other from The Meatless Chulent.

Wish me luck!

TP Tango

TMI Post - so look away if you wish...

So, we're 11 dpDIUI (that's 11 days past the donor IUI, well, 10 or 11, depending on where you start counting). I've been feeling increasingly dizzy, and increasingly nauseated. I also have intermittent bouts of breast tenderness.

I've been trying not to compare this 2 week wait to my last one since:
1) This time, I'm on prometrium (progesterone suppositories) and that may change things;
2) I can't remember when I started feeling early pregnancy symptoms and in what intensity last time;
3) Every pregnancy is different; and
4) Last time, we really didn't get a great outcome, so why measure using that yardstick?
Of course, it's impossible not to compare symptoms.

When I just went to the bathroom, I got some yellow/pink streaks and a very small red clot. Not sure if that means something or anything. I haven't called my nurse because what's she gonna do? It's wait-and-see mode here.

Any suggestions? Should I be calling my nurse?

Beta (pregnancy blood test) is scheduled for Friday morning, 8:30 AM.
________________________
Edited:
An hour later, a trip to the bathroom revealed red streaks. On a regular cycle, I'd be getting my period today (my ovulation was much later than expected), so I'm pretty sure that this is the end for this cycle.

No use in calling my nurse today, as she doesn't return calls after 3:30 and, clearly, this ain't an emergency.

Updating 101/1001 Project

I am now less than 1 year away from the deadline of my 101 Things in 1001 Days Project (see the list on my left sidebar). Given the time restraints, I'm reevaluating some of the Things that are not possible and replacing them with Things that are possible.

Here's what I'm changing:

15. Take an obedience class with The Boy, JD and me
I find that this not really necessary anymore, I'll be replacing this with Organize front hall closet.

43. Reach 200 lbs
Such a loss would not be healthy in the remaining time frame, I'll be replacing this with See dermatologist for skin cancer check.

44. Reach 180 lbs
Such a loss would not be healthy in the remaining time frame, I'll be replacing this with See a personal trainer to start a weight training regimen.

45. Reach 160 lbs
Such a loss would not be healthy in the remaining time frame, I'll be replacing this with Start buying grass-fed meat and pastured poultry.

79. Go horseback riding
Not possible at current weight (at local places), I'll be replacing this with Go apple picking.

86. Take a dance class with JD
Not possible given JD's health issues, I'll be replacing this with Preserve a food by canning.

91. Make a quilt
No proper equipment, I'll be replacing this with Complete a Needlework Project.

93. See all of my company's properties (seen 20/56)
Not possible to finish due to economic constraints, I'll be replacing this with Make homemade yogurt.

Tasks (Updated!)

G-D put me on this earth to complete a certain number of things.

Right now, I am so far behind that I will never die.

I'm pretty sure that the above will be my motto for the next few weeks. What follows is lists, lists and more lists. (Of course, all of the below is so that I don't drive myself crazy in the 2WW. We went in for dIUI 2.1 and 2.2 on Thursday and Friday last. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to plan anything. I don't even want to think about it. Except I do.)

The List of Lists
1) JD's Birthday List
2) Holiday List
3) Chez Jendeis List
4) Clean the House List (an offshoot of the Chez Jendeis List)

JD's Birthday List
-Get JD a birthday present!! (His birthday is on Saturday).
-Figure out plans for JD's birthday
-Call hot air balloon company and make an appointment (if not Saturday, push to October).

Holiday List (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur)
-Use up freezer food to make room for holiday food
-Buy groceries for holidays
-Start cooking for holidays

Chez Jendeis List
-Find tax stuff and send to accountant NOW
-Clean the house!!
-Make grooming appointment for The Boy
-Make yearly physical appointment for The Boy
-Pay bills
-Go to bank to deal with expiring CDs
-Move monthly mortgage savings to car payment
-Buy china cabinet
-Buy forks
-Buy new pillows
-Update 101/1001 list by eliminating tasks that will not/can not be completed and replacing them with tasks that can be completed

Clean the House List
-Put dishes in dishwasher
-Clear off my bathroom counter
-Clean bathrooms
-Have JD clear off his bathroom counter
-Laundry
-Pick up dry cleaning
-Have JD empty his suitcase
-Find new cleaning service
-Clean off coffee table and bring to Mom & Dad's
-Put rubber discs on sofa legs
-Organize front closet
-Put plastic drawers in front closet

John Dear Talks

"Sex, drugs, rock and roll...you've given it all up for chicken."
--JD on my recent unexplicable craving for chicken every day

"Isn't this whole thing a science? Why do we use the only fertility clinic staffed by liberal arts majors?"
--JD in response to my answer that I could not predict the exact date of ovulation because it's not an exact science


There's a third one we wanted to post, but we can't remember.

Ka-Ching!

Onto some good news, shall we? For once, the economic downturn/depression/housing bubble burst has come up with a silver lining. For the fourth year in a row, our property value, and therefore, our estimated property taxes, have fallen. This means that our mortgage company will be escrowing less money, lowering our monthly payment. Plus, we got a check for the extra leftover in the escrow account. Ka-ching!

So, there's two unanticipated sources of cash -- the savings on our monthly payment and the escrow check. Last year, trying to follow Dave Ramsey's advice and working towards debt-free-but-the-house, I took the monthly savings and put it towards an increased car payment each month. I will probably do that again this year.

As for the escrow check, I believe that it will go towards the purchase of the (angels singing) China Cabinet.

Treatment

Ever since my MIL mentioned the possibility of JD being hospitalized, I've been turning it over and over in my mind. Maybe JD needs more than just a change in medication and to find a part-time job. Maybe he needs to go to an inpatient treatment center for depression and chronic pain.

Or, maybe I watch too much "Intervention."

I broached the possibility with JD this morning over a quick phone call; just to say that it was something that I had thought about this weekend, and maybe we should look into it. He was indifferent, but said that right now, he's indifferent about everything, so maybe he's not the best judge. I said that what we're doing right now, obviously isn't working, so even if we decide this isn't the right thing for him and for us, at least we should look into it.

So, I looked up a couple of places online and now I'm at work worrying something that I never have before about JD's behavior -- whether or not he's suicidal right now, and whether he'll try to hurt himself while I'm not around.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

I've been on vacation and so have taken a break from blogging. Now, after reading the 1000+ posts sitting in my reader (man, have you been busy!), I'm ready to rejoin the world.

The Highlights
-To start our vacation, JD and I went to a joint session with our therapists, this session will forever more be known as the "Sha Na Na Session" (aka the "Get a Job Session").* JD felt ganged up on, but I have no sympathy left and my impression of our therapists was that they have very little as well.

-JD and I had a very nice vacation at the beach. We only went to the beach one day, because both of us got burns. (I got burned where I missed sunblock coverage; JD got burned because he wouldn't get fully under the umbrella). We covered ourselves in aloe vera gel the rest of the week.

-I had the best massage of my life!! My back's been hurting me for the last month or so (a result of gaining so much weight in so little time), and after 5 minutes of massage, I didn't have any pain. If you ever travel around Bethany Beach, Delaware, please contact me for the greatest masseurs in the world.

-JD and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary in style by having breakfast at Bob Evans, cause we're classy like that. We did some book shopping and went out to dinner at a local country club. We picked the place because it reminded us of eating at Roy Yamaguchi's restaurant in Ko Olina on Oahu, but it was not the same thing. We'll go for different next year.

-After a week at the beach, I traveled with BFF to Las Vegas. She was going for work and we had a great time hanging out and observing court. It was nice to get real one-on-one time with her, learn more about her job and see some strong arguments of unconstitutional doings in the courts. I gambled a total of $1. I lost it all. I know, I'm such a risk taker.

The Lowlights
-I wound up gaining some weight back, putting me way over where I need to be for the IUIs. Given the scheduling of my vacation, done when I thought my cycle would be regular, it's almost like I set myself up for failure. Since I got back from Vegas (Wednesday), I've cut out carbs, seriously trimmed my portions and been exercising every day. Hopefully, I'll be close enough to the limit when I go in (likely this week) that they'll still let us go forward.

-This intense pressure to lose weight so that we don't lose another month/opportunity has not been great for my mental status.

-JD's depression is in overdrive. My MIL confided in me yesterday that while I was in Vegas, he was the worst that he's been in a long time and that she was worried that he would need to be hospitalized. Maybe that's not a bad idea. There has been talk of having JD switch meds. I just hope that the doctors come up with something that works and soon.

*Did you know that Sha Na Na performed at Woodstock? Me neither.

I Forgot

Forgot to mention that my period started yesterday afternoon. That may explain a teeny, tiny part of the craziness that's been goin' on 'round these parts for the last week.

I think that I've never been so happy for a CD 1.

Now, that it's CD 2, I'm remembering it's been a while since my last "regular" period and it seems that I've forgotten that periods are an absolute pain in the arse.

Wanting to kill people.
Re-remembering that I need to lose 7 more pounds to do Round #2
Depression.
Wanting to kill people.
Cramps.
Wanting to kill people.
Digestive issues.
Coming close to actually killing people.

She's dangerous, folks! You there, spending more than 30 seconds standing in place, saying "ooh, that looks good" while in line at the La Madeline counter -- whatta ya got a death wish or something! MOVE!!

To sum up, it's yay for CD 1, I need to lose 7 pounds in the next two weeks so that we can start Round #2, and don't stand in front of me in a food line unless you want to lose your life.

Quick Kills

The day is hardly begun and yet I've experienced this feeling twice. Two twisted knives in the heart, a pain so fast and hard, you draw in a quick breath. A pregnant woman at the bagel shop, so put together, so beautiful. I hate her. A check on a blogger I haven't heard from in a while. She's pregnant, in her second trimester. I hate her.

I hate these women. I hate any woman who has what I want. It seems like every pregnant woman and woman with a child is just flaunting it in front of me.

I've also been on the receiving end of some thoughtless comments in real life from people who should know better. People who have been through the pain of infertility themselves and/or know what I'm going through.

I hate who I've become. I'm worried that this is who I am now, and that I'll be this way forever.

Still Waiting

Got back late last night from a relaxing weekend at the beach. We spent all day at the beach on Saturday and even went into the water. It was so cold, but very little waves. JD and I both did a lot of reading and each of us finished one book and we also finished the audiobook that we had been listening to.

My sister brought her new boyfriend along, and I was excited to meet him. He was really nice and very funny. They made dinner for us on Saturday night and the food (burgers and corn on the grill) was fantastic! She was smiling the whole time that she was around him and I am very happy for her.

Still waiting for my period so we can get on this roller coaster again. This waiting-in-line ride stinks. The good thing about it not coming earlier is that now I don't have to worry that I'll be ovulating while on vacation. I'm just trying to use this time to take care of myself: eat healthfully, exercise on a daily basis and get plenty of sleep.

Stockpile

Amidst the negative things going on in our world (JD got a ticket yesterday for driving the wrong way down a one-way street (he was mixed up from a detour and got lost), and today he hit a car while he was backing up out of a parking space (everyone is fine, just cosmetic damage to the other guy's car)), some good things are actually going on.

I've been concerned about the number of vials of donor s.pe.rm that we have stored up. This concern has only increased with the miscarriage. DS is a commodity and our donor is a very, very hot commodity. Since we do back-to-back IUIs, we'll use 2 vials in every cycle, successful or not. When you would like more than 1 kid and don't know how many cycles it will take to get those kids, you want to store as many vials as you possibly can.

Today, we got a call from the bank that they were offering 5 (!) vials of our preferred type (they come in 3 types: ICI, IUI and IVF; our clinic prefers ICI, i.e., unwashed samples). That's the most they've ever offered us and I'm so excited! Luckily and gratefully, we were able to buy them all.*

We now have 10 vials in our stockpile and I feel like this is a good number to have. That with 10 vials, I can relax and trust that JD and I will be able to have the family that we've dreamed of for so long.


*Our bank offers a buyback provision of 50% back for vials that haven't left their storage facility. So, if we ultimately decide not to use some of the vials, we won't be out for all the money we paid.

Didn't Wanna

I didn't wanna get up. I didn't wanna exercise.

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to just get up and go to work.

But I didn't.

I got up. I walked for 30 minutes. I listened to the second half of the C-SPAN podcast that I listened to on Tuesday.

Go me!

Back on the Wagon

Remember how my clinic has a BMI limit in order to do treatments (44 for IUI; 42 for IVF)?

Remember how I changed my eating habits, started exercising regularly, did yoga and acupuncture and even did a detox diet to get down to the limit?

Remember how I was successful at that?

I wound up losing about 25 pounds between June 2008 and March 2009. I gained it all back within 3 months, so at the time of the miscarriage I was back to the starting point. I gained it all back because I allowed myself "some slack" (read: ate everything in sight and stopped exercising regularly). I don't do well with slack.

I'm back on the wagon now. I'm exercising daily (getting up early and walking for 30 minutes) and I'm eating healthfully. For me, I've found the easiest way to get back to eating healthfully is to change what I eat for breakfast. Instead of egg and cheese on a bagel/toast with a cup of coffee, I switch to Fage (Greek yogurt) with berries and nuts with a cup of tea.

What I eat for dinner has generally not been a problem, I eat pretty healthfully at dinner most days. I just try to make an extra effort to incorporate more veggies into whatever entree we're having.

Snacking has also not been a problem for me. I usually only have a snack in the late afternoon, and that's a cup of tea. If I need more, I'll have a Luna bar or a piece of fruit/veggies and some nuts.

Lunch is hard for me to change. I love sandwiches. Love them. Love, love, love them. I'm finally getting to a point where I'm just yielding myself to the fact that I have to eat a salad at lunch. A big salad with lots of veggies and a chicken breast or salmon fillet, but nonetheless, a salad. I'll have a cup of broth-based soup (chicken or vegetable) to go with it too.

The other thing that I'm doing is logging my food and my exercise. Once I've got the log more established, I'll show you what I'm doing.

I've already lost 6 pounds and I only have 7 more to go to get to the IUI limit. Of course, I'm hoping that all my healthy choices equal more pounds lost, so that I never have to go through this BS again, but we're thinking baby steps here.

Leaves & Twigs

Drifting ever more towards the crunchy side of things, I decided to buy one of the herbal tea formulas sold by my alternative fertility therapy place. Since I'm trying to get my cycle to come, I chose the appropriately named formula, Cleanse.

Suggested use: Use before or between cycles, or after a failed cycle.

What it's got:

Chamomile: Calms nervousness. Good digestive aid. Anti-inflammatory.

Milk Thistle Seeds: Liver and gall bladder support. Aids in the elimination of toxins.

Dandelion Root: Gentle diuretic. Liver, gall bladder and blood purifier.

Peppermint: Aids digestion. Anti-spasmodic. Expectorant and decongestant.

Organic Red Clover: Blood and liver purifier. Improves circulation.

Chrysanthemum: Clears and calms liver.

Lemon peel: flavoring.

I've had this tea before after acupuncture sessions, and I like it. To me, the chamomile flavor is pretty strong, but the peppermint gives it a nice bite.

I figure I'm theeees close to growing dreads, donning a hemp-fiber dress, Birkenstocks and naming myself "Moonglow."

Relaxation

Trying to find it. Today was about trying to find relaxation. Woke up early, had a nice shower, shaved and dressed quickly to get out of the house. Stopped at my fave bagel place for a sandwich and some coffee and drove up to my acupuncture appointment.


I've been concerned that I haven't gotten my period yet, as the timing is getting in the way of my vacation plans. I've been told that the first period after a miscarriage doesn't really follow normal cycle dates, but I'm trying to plan stuff here, people!

My acupuncturist was able to work on some areas that she said will promote my period coming. She also used some electrodes and heat to help the process. I hope that it helps; it was helpful to just lie back and focus on the image of ocean waves - taking away all bad things and cleansing me, and bringing in good things and relaxation.

I squeezed in a pedicure and then John Dear and I were off to Philly to pay a call on my sister-in-law's family (her brother passed away last week). I'm hoping that we don't get back too late tomorrow night, but I just want to be a help to my brother and sister-in-law.

Infected

My now-not-so-beloved has downloaded a virus onto my laptop. AGAIN. Brought it into work and they said it was fixed. Guess what? It's not.

Now I've got to lug it in again. Grr. (And on my white suit day too (see the comments)).

Outwardly, I've been very calm. I mean, what can you do? Things happen. I do think, however, that JD has finally gotten the message and the reason why I do not want him working (read: playing some stupid computer game) on my computer.

I told him yesterday that I wanted to get him his very own laptop for our anniversary (coming up at the end of August). He said that he hadn't come up with an idea for a gift for me. I said, "You don't understand. That is the gift for me."

Darn it. I should at least get a china cabinet out of all this. This is the one I have my eye on. Isn't it beeyooteeful? And only for the cost of a fertility treatment or two.

***

Work has been insane and I'll be travelling on Sunday for a shiva call (my brother's wife's brother passed away unexpectedly last week) so I may not be posting much in the coming days.

Life Imitates Art?

When I was sick, I watched The Other Boleyn Girl, a guilty pleasure of a book and certainly the movie is a guilty pleasure too. The part where two sisters compete for the same man applies here. Apparently my unconscious brain took a bit of time to process the movie, because I dreamed last night that I encountered a roommate from college owning a boutique in West Virginia and she was living with my boyfriend from high school. And then he kissed me right in front of her! And she was OK with this! (Thus proving, in dream logic, that 1) he should not have broken up with me, and 2) this roommate was a false friend who used me for what I could do for her).

BTW, I'm feeling better now. :)

Karma is an A-hole

Funny coming off the heels of my last post, maybe karma is out to get me. I've lost 3 pounds. How? I just spent the majority of the last 48 hours in the bathroom. Ugh.

After the first 24 hours, I had considered going to the emergency clinic, but was worried that I wouldn't be able to find a bathroom fast enough. I finally found relief after multiple doses of Pepto, cups of tea, a hot shower and A&D (my lifesaver, must buy stock in it).

Insult to injury: we only had that recycled, 1/2-ply, feels-like-rubbing-your-patootie-with-a-broken-piece-of-the-Berlin-Wall toilet paper and it hurt me. A lot. Eff global warming, I need my Charmin.

Spending today at home resting and mainlining Gatorade.

Outraged

I just read this article, Women Overcomes Obesity to Adopt Child, and I am absolutely livid. An overweight woman who has endured infertility and multiple miscarriages is told that she cannot adopt because she is too fat.

"They said I wouldn't really have a chance to adopt the child I wanted
unless I lost the weight," [Melanie] King told the Daily Mail. "I was told because I
wanted to adopt a young child, I needed to be active enough to run around
and look after them.”

Sure, alcoholics and crack addicts are allowed to be parents, and neglectful parents at that, but G-d forbid that a fat person be allowed to have children.

Fat is the only thing that people feel that it's OK to joke about now, and I am just sick of it. From this article to movies like Shallow Hal, Norbit and The Nutty Professor, we loudly proclaim the message that it's OK to make fun of fat people and that fat people are dirty, disgusting and bad. (Yes, I am aware that these movies try to teach a lesson of tolerance and inner beauty, but that lesson is given short shrift in order to answer the immediate demands of making fun of fat people who wear large underwear and break chairs).

Desperate to build her family, Mrs. King embarked on a drastic and dangerous liquid diet. She was able to lose 112 pounds, and thereby become eligible to adopt a child, but at what cost? Who knows what damage her body endured or what the lasting effects of this torture will be?

I too have been told that I would need to lose weight in order to build my family. Not because I am not active enough to keep up with children, but because my clinic's insurance is worried about the possible side effects to anesthesia in obese people. Not because I would be a bad parent, but because an insurance company is more concerned about an amorphous risk. I call this "amorphous" because we are using IUIs, which don't require anesthesia, so these rules are simply there to prevent me, someone with no infertility factors, from being able to determine when and how I will build my family.

As long as I am healthy and active, i.e., blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar are in the normal range and I eat healthfully and exercise regularly, then the only thing that my fat prevents me from doing is wearing designer clothes and competing in the Olympics. My fat should not prevent me from building my family. It's no one else's business but mine.

Open Letter to a New Yoga Teacher

Dear Yelling Stressball,

I attended your class last night with some trepidation. I have been taking similar classes at this center for the past year and have greatly enjoyed the classes. Yet, they have all been under the auspices of the same instructor, Awesome Lady, and I was hesitant to take a class with a different instructor, since, as we all know, WE FEAR CHANGE.

I'm not sure if you were aware, but the meditation class that you taught last night, and indeed, most yoga practices, are considered to be stress relievers, not stress-inducers. If your plan was, in fact, to increase my stress level greatly, then I must wish you a hearty congratulations, because you were amazingly successful. If stress inducement was not actually your aim, might I suggest a different profession? Boot camp drill sergeant, perhaps?

Unfortunately, I don't find myself in need of additional stress at the moment. When I do find myself relaxed for a long period of time, I'll make sure to give you a call. Till then, I'll be skipping your yogic stress classes.

Sincerely,
Jendeis

Vacation?

Please excuse the below which is not well-drafted, whiny and tends to the run-on sentences.

An ongoing issue: JD doesn't have opinions about things. Or maybe he does, but he really doesn't care, so it's basically a lot of, "Well, what do you wanna do?" But when I hear that, I think he really does have an opinion, but he's going with what I want so he can then throw it back at me that we never do what he wants to do.

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Anyways, because JD has been without an income for a year and doesn't want to spend the money and is not a planner and even though I am a planner, I've been working my arse off, we find ourselves with no vacation plans. This stinks. A whole lot.

I am, however, determined to go on vacation this summer. Just where we go is the real question. Due to JD's issues with pain and his inability to walk for long distances, we can't go anywhere that we'd be sightseeing. So, strike off anywhere new.

I hate that we can't go anywhere new because, in my bring-on-the-parade-of-horribles mind, it means that we will never go anywhere new, never travel anywhere and be stuck at home forever and ever and never go on vacation and I'm just stuck. Plus, I really, ruheaallly need some time off and if I don't get it, I might start having to kill people.

Again, I might be overthinking this.

My parents have a house at the beach, so we may spend a week there, or, we may go to a resort in the mountains that takes our credit card points. I just wish that I didn't have to plan everything and that life was easier. Don't we all?

Enough of the whining! Where do you think we should go?